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Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is testifying against Michael. I just hope this doesn’t turn Michael off of women forever.

Do you realize she’s the first person to testify that Michael hasn’t seen naked?

There was one embarrassing moment while she was testifying when she was asked to point out the man she was married to for three years. She pointed to Latoya.

The Navajo Nation is debating a law that would outlaw gay marriage. This law would be a disaster to Skipping Bull and Shopping Bear. The two gay Native Americans.

Letterman

A big celebrity birthday today. Saddam Hussein turns 68! Saddam says he’s just a simple man and all he wants for his birthday is the Robert Blake jury.

Due to the price of gasoline Dominos Pizza is now charging a $1.00 fee for their deliveries. Don’t worry though – your pizza will still arrive piping cold!

Conan

The Michael Jackson trial is the big news right now. Today two of Michael’s lawyers got into a shouting match in the parking lot. The lawyers got so childish that Michael started hitting on them.

According to a new poll First Lady Laura Bush’s approval ratings are at 80%. Her husband’s are now at 47%. When Laura heard this she said, "It’s like our grades in college.”

81 Percent Supports End Of Filbusters

"If you doubt whether the framing of a poll question can influence the outcome," FNC's Brit Hume asked, "consider this. When a Republican poll said quote, 'Even if they disagree with a judge, Senate Democrats should at least allow he President's nominations to be voted on,' 81 percent said they agreed."

In addition, a Rasmussen survey found that when asked "should the Senate rules should be changed so that a vote must be taken on every person that the President nominates to become a judge?", 56 percent responded affirmatively.

FNC's Brit Hume on Tuesday night pointed out how the wording of a Washington Post/ABC News poll led to its finding of overwhelming opposition to blocking Democratic filibusters of judicial nominees, an observation made in Tuesday's CyberAlert, and Hume noted how differently-worded polls led to opposite results.

The April 26 CyberAlert recounted: ABC and the Washington Post touted how a new poll found two-thirds opposed to a rule change to end Democratic filibusters of judicial nominees, but the language of the question led to the media's desired answer.

"An ABC News poll has found little support for changing the Senate's rules to help the President's judicial nominees win confirmation," World News Tonight anchor Charles Gibson trumpeted Monday night.

The Washington Post's lead front page headline, over a Tuesday story on the poll, declared: "Filibuster Rule Change Opposed." But the questions in the poll failed to point out the unprecedented use of a filibuster to block nominees who have majority support.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Bolton Stamp

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Have you heard the news? Elton John, our good friend Elton John, announced he will be getting married later this year. I don’t think President Bush knows Elton John. Like today He said, "Hey congratulations! Who’s the lucky gal?”

See I’m hooked up to a taser and if I do any Bush jokes, the first lady can zap me from backstage.

It’s official - Elton John’s publicist said that the singer is going to marry his long time companion. Elton said that after Prince Charles and Camilla’s wedding he thought people were ready for same sex marriages.

I was reading about our new pope. The new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th said that he prayed he would not get elected. And today Hillary called the Pope and said, "Hey can you pray for me in 2008?”

New Jersey officials are encouraging all state government workers there to lead healthier lifestyles because the state is spending too much money on health insurance. In fact, they say the healthiest thing you can do is….get out of New Jersey.

How disgusting is this? here it is folks, this is the end of the world….A restaurant in Decatur, Georgia is now serving a double bacon cheeseburger that is served between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We are now officially ancient Rome. This is the end of our civilization as we know it. In fact, they don’t know how many calories are in this thing because nobody can count that high!

Direct TV announced it’s coming out with satellite as an option is the Cadillac Escalade. The Escalades have incredible stereos in them, refrigerators, now satellite TV. Do you realize they’re just one bathroom away from being a mobile home?

Andy Rooney is at it again – last night on "60 Minutes” he blasted three commentators for appearing on the CBS Evening News without wearing ties. He says he can remember when he started, reporters always wore ties and a powdered wig and buckles on their shoes.

Letterman

It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City today. Absolutely beautiful! It was so nice I saw a hearse with the sun roof down.

It was so nice in New York City today I saw construction workers giving the Statue of Liberty her annual bikini wax.

It’s prom season. I remember my prom. It was terrible. I went with my cousin. I don’t know who was more embarrassed – me or him?

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Least Popular Prom Themes:

10. Prelude To A Hangover

9. I Only Have Eyes For Your Hot Friend

8. Eternally Seacrest

7. Welcome To The World Of Herpes

6. Tomorrow We Work At Arby's!

5. Save The Last Dance For The Creepy Shop Teacher

4. A Magical Evening With Robert Blake

3. Next Stop - Teen Pregnancy

2. Night In Rome.., I mean, The Gymnasium

1. Enchantment Under House Arrest

Conan

I can’t believe this is a news story. Paris Hilton was in the news today because she burned herself from the exhaust from her new Ferrari. After getting burned she said, "That’s hot.”

Miller

Newly elected Pope Benedict XVI said on Monday that he had prayed to God that he would not be elected. The new pope then went on to emphasize the power of prayer.

However, when he was chosen, Pope Benedict shelved his doubts and like all good Germans, simply followed orders.

You know, God truly does work in mysterious ways when Robert Blake's prayers are answered and the pope's aren't.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

The experts keep telling us that the weather keeps effecting the price of gas. When it’s cold and wet we use more heat. When it’s warm and sunny people travel more. So really the only time when the price of gas will go down due to weather is when it snows in hell!

Letterman

The allergy season has hit New York City. For example I was at a funeral up in Queens and they had a sneezeguard over the casket.

I think it’s all the rat dander.

Things are so bad that the crack dealers are now selling antihistamine.

Letterman's Top Ten


Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay:

10. "Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him."

9. "Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?"

8. "We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries."

7. "For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."

6. "What a lovely bouquet from Osama."

5. "When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me."

4. "Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"

3. "Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!"

2. "Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."

1. "A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"

Say No to Filibuster Compromise

We need to change this rule. We need to stop the filibustering of judges. That's what needs to happen here. And the Democrats think, "Uh-oh, the Republicans might actually do it," when they previously have thought the Republicans wouldn't have the guts to do it.

Now they're scared to death the Republicans do have the guts to do it. So now, "Hey, let's compromise. Let's compromise. Let's compromise. You've been talking about compromise, okay, we'll give you five if you take away two."

Rush: It's a silly idea. It wouldn't solve the issue to gloss over it and leave it to be decided later. And you don't want the Democrats to be able to do this during Supreme Court nominations. That's why this stuff has gotta be done, it's gotta be dealt with, the rule in the Senate has to be changed, no filibustering of judges.

Future conservative presidents would be told in the face of another liberal filibuster of judges, "Even Bush compromised and withdrew several conservative nominees." In other words, this would always be a sword to hold over a president's head.

Rush: Time to Teach Liberals a Lesson

You can't have a compromise that leaves the Democrats with an opportunity to bring it back later for Supreme Court nominations. What kind of a silly compromise would that be?

Karl Rove Says No to Filibuster Compromise

WASHINGTON — Karl Rove rejected a compromise with Senate Democrats Monday on long-stalled nominations for the federal judiciary.

Rove, deputy White House chief of staff, dismissed suggestions from Democrats that they might drop threats to use filibusters to prevent votes on Bush's judicial nominees if the president would withdraw a few of the most controversial names.

“We believe that every judicial nominee deserves an up or down vote,” Rove said. “The process is not well served by these political games.”

Rove said Bush tried to end the stalemate when he renominated just seven of the 10 nominees who had been blocked last year. But “I saw no change in tone” among Democrats, he said. “The flamethrowers … came out within moments.”

Scholars Removing Christ from A.D., B.C.

In certain precincts of a world encouraged to embrace differences, Christ is out.

The terms "B.C." and "A.D." increasingly are shunned by certain scholars.

Educators and historians say schools from North America to Australia have been changing the terms "Before Christ," or B.C., to "Before Common Era," or B.C.E., and "anno Domini" (Latin for "in the year of the Lord") to "Common Era." In short, they're referred to as B.C.E. and C.E.

The life of Christ still divides the epochs, but the change has stoked the ire of Christians and religious leaders who see it as an attack on a social and political order that has been in place for centuries.

For more than a century, Hebrew lessons have used B.C.E. and C.E., with C.E. sometimes referring to Christian Era.

The terms B.C. and A.D. have clear Catholic roots. Dionysius Exiguus, an abbot in Rome, devised them as a way to determine the date for Easter for Pope St. John I. The terms were continued under the Gregorian Calendar, created in 1582 under Pope Gregory XIII.

Although most calendars are based on an epoch or person, B.C. and A.D. have always presented a particular problem for historians: There is no year zero; there's a 33-year gap, reflecting the life of Christ, dividing the epochs. Critics say that's additional reason to replace the Christian-based terms.

"When Jews or Muslims have to put Christ in the middle of our calendar ... that's difficult for us," said Steven M. Brown, dean of the William Davidson Graduate School of Jewish Education at the Jewish Theological Seminary in New York City.

Candace de Russy, a national writer on education and Catholic issues and a trustee for the State University of New York, doesn't accept the notion of fence-straddling.

"The use of B.C.E. and C.E. is not mere verbal tweaking; rather it is integral to the leftist language police -- a concerted attack on the religious foundation of our social and political order," she said.

"I find it distressing; I don't like it," said Gilbert Sewall, director of the American Textbook Council, which finds politics intruding on instruction. He said changing terms accepted for centuries because of a current social movement could threaten other long-held principles.

In a 2000 national resolution, the Southern Baptist Convention condemned the new terms as "the result of the secularization, anti-supernaturalism, religious pluralism, and political correctness pervasive in our society."

"Is that some sort of the political correctness?" said Tim Callahan, of the Professional Association of Georgia Educators, an independent group with 60,000 educator members. "It sounds pretty silly to me."

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Embarrassing moment for President Bush today. He called the Pope to wish him a happy Passover.

I was reading some interesting facts about the new Pope, Pope Benedict XVI. According to "The New York Post”, did you know the new Pope has never had a drivers license? Hey, he should come to California, he’s an immigrant. We’ll give him one for free.

Today is Earth Day. Michael Jackson said even though earth has its problems, he’s still glad he moved here.

I don’t think President Bush really gets Earth Day. He helped pick up garbage at the park, but the "litter stick” he was using was made of baby seal bone and freshly cut Red Wood.

The 212-year-old New York Stock Exchange is merging with an all-electronic company so it will become high speed with faster trades. This way, instead of waiting hours, you’ll be able to lose their money within seconds.

Tonight our guests are country star Alan Jackson and "American Idol” judge Randy Jackson. We have every musical Jackson not currently on trial.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

The Pope’s brother George said today that is "concerned” that the burden of being Pope may be too tough for his 78 year old brother. He’s worried a 78 year old man may not have the energy to be a public figure leading millions of people. Oh yeah? What about Regis?

Did you hear about the stock market today? Up 206 points. It’s like they were playing the Lakers.

Happy birthday to Queen Elizabeth. She is 79 years old today. She is in great shape. Boy she doesn’t look a day older than Camilla.

Former Senator Bob Dole is on the program tonight. He has a terrific new book out called "One Soldier’s Story”. It’s really great. In fact, President Bush said, if he actually read books, this would be the one he would get.

A 53 yr-old hippo at the Berlin Zoo has been put on medication to cure her of her sex drive. She’s a hippo with an overactive libido. And today Bill Clinton said, I think I know her.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

This morning on the United States Senate floor this morning John Kerry blasted the administration for high gas prices. He said gas is so expensive, he may have to marry Bill Gates.

This new Pope of course is German. When President Bush heard that he said, "Only in America”.

Did you see that huge crowd they had in Saint Peter’s Square? They were holding up all kinds of handmade signs. Here’s my question; where was that ‘John 3:16’ guy? You know what guy, he wears that wig, he shows up at every sporting event, football baseball and he holds up that big sign "John 3:16”. Finally the most religious event of the decade comes along there’s a huge crowd and nobody can find the guy.

The new Pope has pledged to take care of the poor and those without hope. Like anyone with money in the stock market.

I’m sure you know by now how they picked the pope. if you see black smoke, they haven’t reached a vote; if you see white smoke, they have reached a vote; and if you should see black smoke disguised as white smoke, that means they voted michael jackson guilty.

Iran announced today they have stopped broadcasting the al Jazeera network in that country. They’re also thinking of dropping WB. I guess "Reba” is not a big hit over there.

Electronics experts say that by 2009 people will be able to watch tv programs on their cell phones. So we are now exactly 4 years away from the largest car accident is history.

Business news – U.S. Airways and America West are in talks to merge….to form one really crappy airline.

Letterman

It’s been cold here in New York City. It was so cold today Bill was happy to get the third degree from Hillary.

President Bush is on an important trip to Europe. Today he met with Russian President Vladimir Putin, he was forceful saying that he wants to see signs of democracy flourishing in Russia. And Putin wanted Bush to show him his yo-yo tricks.

President Bush says that an attack on Iran is ridiculous. You know what that means – we’re going to attack Iran.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

We have a new pope! Cardinal Ratzinger of Germany is now the most powerful Catholic in the world. Well, second most powerful if you count Mel Gibson.

When I heard the new Pope is German, I thought - "My God! Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t be stopped! First Governor, now Pope!”

The cardinals say they have to be very careful in the process of electing a pope because this person will be interpreting God's law for them - you know, kind of they way Republican leaders do for us in this country.

Well now the pope’s election is over, at least we won’t have to put up with any more of those negative cardinal campaign commercials. Those were awful. All the papal swift boat ads.

According to a new poll, 7 out of 10 Americans say the tax code is too complicated. Well duh, that’s why they call it a code. They don’t want you to understand it. That’s the whole idea.

There’s talk that Steinbrenner may be looking for a new manager. And there may be something to that - today, he was spotted putting up a stove pipe chimney on the roof of Yankee Stadium.

Letterman

Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. The bad news is that it’s our leading industry.

This is interesting. The U.S. Government has convicted Osama bin Laden’s spiritual advisor. I believe his name is Sheik Phil.

Next we’re going after Osama’s yoga instructor.

New Pope Warns Dangers of liberals

VATICAN CITY -- Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger made his final stump speech before being sequestered in the Sistine Chapel on Monday, lashing out at the trends he said were taking root in the Roman Catholic Church.

Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, used his homily at the mass dedicated to electing the next pope to warn cardinals and the faithful about tendencies that he considered dangers to the faith: sects, ideologies like Marxism, liberalism, atheism, agnosticism and relativism - the ideology that there are no absolute truths.

New Pope Denied Kerry Communion

"As a Roman Catholic cardinal, the new Pope Benedict XVI warned American voters against departing from church teaching at the ballot box, drew criticism from victims of clerical sex abuse and opposed married or women priests.

The majority of American Catholics told pollsters in recent weeks that they favored married clergy and a greater voice for the laity in the church - and it was clear Tuesday that liberals were anguished, conservatives delighted and others wary about Ratzinger's election.

He was an important player in the American dispute last year over the church's attitude toward Catholic politicians like Sen. John Kerry, who favor abortion rights.

With one bishop saying he would deny Holy Communion to Kerry, Ratzinger helped guide the U.S. prelates' discussion of the matter. The cardinal said that while bishops ultimately could decide to withhold the sacrament, they should meet with, teach and warn politicians first.

Ratzinger also said that voters would be guilty of "cooperating in evil" if they backed a candidate specifically because he or she supports abortion rights or euthanasia.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

How many are here because after you paid your taxes Friday you could only afford free tickets?

Did you all get your taxes paid on Friday? Anybody worried? Look, you mailed the check to the IRS Friday, it won’t get there until tomorrow, they won’t open it until Thursday. They’ll deposit in on Friday, so relax, your check won’t bounce for another week.

Today President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market! good timing! What's the second choice? The National Bank of Iraq?

What’s going on - The Vatican today released a puff of black smoke which means they haven’t picked a new pope yet. White smoke will mean they have picked a pope, and Brown smoke means they’re burning a copy of "The Da Vinci Code”.

That’s how the Vatican communicates - puffs of smoke. Huh? Even Native Americans are going, "Get with the program! Geez, it’s 2005! We stopped with the smoke signal thing like 100 years ago.”

Howard Dean is out trying to rally the Democrats for 2008. he said that the Democrats have to stop "speaking down to voters”. And then John Kerry said, "I can’t do that. What’s the point of being better than everyone else if you can’t talk down to them? Doesn’t make any sense.”

NBC is claiming success with its new miniseries "Revelations” which they say is based loosely on the Bible. See they have to say "loosely” because no one in Hollywood actually has a Bible. They had to just wing it.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Today of course is the day when most Americans realize just how expensive it is to bring democracy to the Middle East.

Today is tax day. The government takes 40% of what you make. The other 60% is taken by the gas station.

Last night President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals first game at RFK Stadium. The umpire called it a ball and Bush appealed it to his friends at the Supreme court and they made it a strike.

The pitch was high and to the right. Just like President Bush.

In his book, Jose Canseco said when Bush was a baseball team owner he had to know about steroids. But Bush said he didn’t know. I guess even back then he got his info from the CIA.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

President Bush has chosen scientist Michael Griffin to be NASA Administrator, and he’s ordered him to save the Hubble Telescope and build a new manned space vehicle. Hey, that’s kind of ironic - George Bush telling a rocket scientist what to do?

Mike Tyson is getting back in the ring again. this time on June 11th. He picked the 11th because his Zoloft runs out on the 10th.

Tyson said he got the idea to fight again when he bit into an ear he found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili.

The Rolling Stones announced they’re going to be touring this summer. I believe this one will be called "They Smell Like Old People Tour”.

In fact, The city of Boston is planning to have the Rolling Stones play a concert in Fenway Park this fall. That’s kind of a tradition in Boston, like winning the World Series. Every 86 years, the Rolling Stones come back and play again.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting Enough Sleep:

1. You're beginning to think Michael Jackson might be innocent.

2. Duties as President limit you to a mere 11 hours a night.

3. You take naps at work--only problem, you sleep in the nude.

4. (Writers too tired to write number four)

5. You schedule unnecessary surgery just for the three hours of general anesthetic.

6. Your typical lunch: coffee grounds on whole wheat.

7. When asked to describe yourself, most people say "Lethargic Sumbitch".

8. You're so fatigued, you get winded chewing gum.

9. Can't even stay awake for the two minutes it takes to have sex.

10. You always fall asleep on airplanes--and you're the pilot.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

As you know, Prince Charles married Camilla over the weekend. Which now raises the question – who's going to be his mistress now?

If you watched [the wedding], do you know that Charles and Camilla never kissed? They did not kiss. That's because in England, a lot of people there still do not approve of these same-sex marriages.

A very scary moment in Washington, D.C. yesterday. Capitol Police tackled - tackled - and dragged away a desperate man with two suitcases. Stationed himself in front of the Capitol building, stayed there for an hour, and demanded to get into the White House. You know, I think John Kerry's starting to lose it.

MSNBC is predicting that the archbishop of Bombay could be the next pope. Bombay? Even the job of pope is being outsourced to India now!

Letterman

I'm proud to say that today, I'm 47 years old. (applause) That's right. I don't count the 11 years I spent at NBC.

What a beautiful day here in New York City. It's so sunny here in New York City today, Jose Canseco was injecting players in the ass with Coppertone.

A judge now says that Martha Stewart cannot leave her 153-acre estate. Ladies and gentlemen, this sends a clear message to the criminal world. . . (laughter) . . . "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time."

The deal was Martha went to court because she wanted to spend more hours away from home, and I'm thinking, yeah, who can blame her? Who wouldn't want to get away from that $12 million, 153-acre hellhole?

Conan

Anybody watch the royal wedding this weekend? Very exciting. Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. And get this – Phil Collins was one of the guests at the royal wedding. In fact, at one point Phil Collins looked around and said, "Wow, I'm the best-looking person here."

The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, somebody actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!"

A company has come out with a brand-new breath analyzer that can tell parents if their child has been smoking pot. (boos) This is how it works. Apparently, you hand your child a tube, and if he inhales and passes it to you, he's smoking pot.

Miller

A 12-year-old Seattle student and his friends were caught and suspended for counterfeiting one-dollar bills. Something tells me that someday that kid's gonna be the head of a multi-national energy company.

The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Yeah, nothing hits the spot on a 150-degree Iraqi day like delicious maple syrup. . . Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness.

Jackson's former chef testified Friday that he saw the pop star reach up Macauley Culkin's shorts as he was delivering French fries to Jackson one night. Of course, at the Neverland Ranch, that's called a Happy Meal.

Ferguson

It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."

This week the Supreme Court will hear a case about Internet music piracy. Now, regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: It will be the first time Chief Justice William Rehnquist has said the word, "Hoobastank."

The Pentagon is developing a robot that can perform surgeries by remote control. Surgeries by remote control! This will allow doctors to operate from as far away as the ninth hole.

Harry Reid's Family Cashing In

"In Nevada, Reid Is the Name to Know. Members of one lawmaker's family represent nearly every major industry in their home state. And their clients rely on his goodwill."

When it comes to cashing in on family connections, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's relatives can't hold a candle to the clan of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who's sponsored legislation that netted his son hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees.

So says top radio talker Rush Limbaugh, who first unearthed the dirty details on Reid's nepotism last week - a story that has the mainstream press feigning ignorance as they pull out all the stops to nail DeLay.

Rush Limbaugh
We're Looking at You, Harry Reid

RUSH: Let me tell you what Dingy Harry... We are looking at you and we are looking at you through a microscope and we're looking at Nancy Pelosi through a microscope. We're looking at you through an electron microscope and it's not a pretty site.

You go ahead. You rely on your willing accomplices in the mainstream press, but those of us out here who are well aware of what you are doing, Senator Reid.

You're blocking the Senate. You're holding up business in the Senate. You're violating the Constitution by changing the filibuster rule. You don't have one thing in your agenda you stand for. You're not advancing anything positive. You're nothing but a bunch of obstructionists.

The LA Times reported: "What Reid did not explain was that the bill promised a cavalcade of benefits to real estate developers, corporations and local institutions that were paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in lobbying fees to his sons' and son-in-law's firms, federal lobbyist reports show."

Turns out that the Reid family gravy train relied on some of America's biggest corporate names.

The Howard Hughes Corp. alone paid $300,000 to attorney and son-in-law Steven Barringer to push a provision allowing the company to acquire 998 acres of federal land near booming Las Vegas.

According to the Times, other provisions of Reid's legislation were intended to benefit a real estate development headed by a senior partner in the Nevada law firm that employs all four of the Senate minority leader's sons.

Seldom have so many close relatives directly profited off their familial connection to a powerful politician.

See Photo: Harry Reid Cashing In (Click Here)

Reid's response to the obvious conflicts of interest?

"Lots of people have children, wives and stuff that work back here," he insisted. "It is not as if a lot of cash is changing hands."

Hundreds of thousands of dollars - not a lot of cash?

One wonders how journalists would have reacted had Tom DeLay said that.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Harry Reid Cashing In

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

As you know, Prince Charles married his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowes, over the weekend. And it's a mixed marriage, did you know that? He's Episcopalian, and she's a Clydesdale.

There was one awkward moment when the minister said, "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" and he's talking to Charles.

The district attorney will claim that Michael Jackson molested actor Macauley Culkin. You know what that means. Michael was cheating on Webster.

Today on Capitol Hill, police confronted a shady-looking character carrying two suitcases and just standing there. Huge suitcases. At first people were upset, they thought it was Majority Leader Tom DeLay packing his bags to go home, but no … (laughter) They found out it was a Chinese take-out guy bringing Ted Kennedy's lunch.

Letterman

How many folks saw the Masters yesterday on CBS? (applause) Congratulations to Tiger Woods, he won his fourth Masters golf tournament, what an amazing accomplishment. (applause) Tremendous. I was not aware of this, but if Tiger Woods wins one more green jacket, he officially becomes a Cristo project.

You know, you wake up and you've got that sick feeling in your stomach? You know what it is? It's tax time, for the love of God. Are you folks prepared for taxes? (boos) I am very proud of myself. I am very organized when it comes to record-keeping. As a matter of fact, I always ask my date for a receipt. (laughter) And by the way, you cannot deduct this show as entertainment.

Maybe you heard about this. Last week, a guy delivering Chinese food – did you hear about this? Up in the Bronx? [He] gets trapped in the elevator, and he's there for three days. (laughter) Three days! Finally the police find him and it turns out he's okay and everything, but listen to this, he had another terrible experience earlier today. It's crazy. For several hours he was trapped under Kirstie Alley.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Vying To Be The Next Pope

10. Often stops at Costco to buy communal wafers in bulk.


9. Threatens to send you to hell if your dog craps on his lawn again.


8. Short on money, he just made the Domino's kid a saint.


7. Regularly offers to baptize you with the garden hose.


6. His name is Kenny, but he asks you to call him John Paul.


5. Refers to his studio apartment as the "Little Vatican."


4. The son-of-a-bitch keeps hitting on your wife in Latin.


3. You ask how he's feeling and he replies, "Oh, quite Popey, thank you!"


2. He asks if you want to go giant hat shopping.

1. Book on his coffee table: "How to turn your Ford Focus into a popemobile."

Conan

This is crazy – a 57-year-old woman became the oldest American to give birth to twins. Fifty-seven! Which means by the time the twins stop eating baby food, the mother will be ready to start.

Today Palestinians said an emotional farewell to their former leader Yasser Arafat. A spokesperson for the Palestinians said, "We haven't been this upset since last week."

A man in England is marketing a cell phone in the shape of a Star Trek communicator. The man says the Star Trek cell phone works great but that it is unable to make contact with women.

Miller

In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested. . . Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali... Except, of course, for the black part.

To mark Good Friday last week, several Catholic devotees in the Philippines allowed themselves to be crucified. By the way, if you take Friday off from work to be crucified, do you count it as a sick day or a vacation day?

This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I looked stupid with bangs.

Ferguson

62-year-old Harrison Ford has announced he'll be filming "Indiana Jones 4." It's called "Indiana Jones and the Search for a Gentle Laxative."

A photo shoot for this month's Vanity Fair turned into chaos when a cat fight broke out between the cast of "Desperate Housewives." Cops raced to the scene and said, "Yes!"

A businessman was removed from an airplane for reading a pornographic magazine during the flight. Apparently his seat wasn't the only thing in the upright position.

Snakes Gotta Slither After Delay

Tom DeLay has been the most effective majority whip in living memory, never having lost a vote. He has engineered passage of every vital piece of Bush legislation as majority leader (sometimes with as little as a single hard-sought vote difference).

By his tough work in Texas he has almost assured Republican control of the House for at least another decade. (I say "almost," because a party of nitwits and cowards are capable of throwing away anything.)

And he has done what every able leader of men has been doing since the dawn of man ... he has gone hunting and brought home the meat to nourish the whole tribe. Yes. Money: The lawful collecting of which is the essential condition to politically function. If a political party doesn't have money, it doesn't have a chance.

Tony Blankley
Keep DeLay, or pay the price

I understand why the Democrats are going after Tom DeLay. Snakes gotta slither, mosquitoes gotta bite, hyenas gotta laugh, and Democrats without a blooming idea in their heads gotta go negative.

I also understand why the New York Times is out soliciting Bob Livingston to write an attack op-ed against Delay (he refused), and why they report legal, ethical, common and specifically Ethics Committee-approved activity like Delay employing relatives on his campaign -- as if it were a crime.

But, as to the couple of Republicans up for re-election in a difficult Northeast district and state who, in the name of their consciences, have said slightly rude things about the majority leader of their party, I can only quote that shrewd discerner of character, Oscar Wilde: "Conscience is but the name which cowardice Fleeing the battle scrawls upon its shield."

If a party can be stampeded -- by phony charges and a run of shoddy stories in whorish newspapers -- into dumping their most effective congressional leader, I wouldn't give two cents for their near term future. A party that would voluntarily cut off its own testicles and FedEx them to their opponent as a trophy is not likely to manifest any regenerative powers. That's the thing about losing those organs.

Rush: Fed Up with All the Phonies

I'm getting fed up with so many people like Rick Santorum who is a conservative one day, decides he wants to be president and then starts moving to the center. I'm fed up with people like Christopher Shays. I'm fed up with this attack on Tom DeLay. He's not done one damn thing. There's no charge. He's not guilty of anything!

I'm fed up with phony baloney, plastic-banana, good-time rock and roller so-called moderate wimps like Chris Shays and all these other clowns that are going after Tom DeLay simply because he's effective. I'm fed up with our side that doesn't stand up for our people.

I'm fed up with our guys that don't advance our agenda because they're scared. I'm sick and tired of people that are fearful of every damn thing. I'm sick and tired of phonies that live their lives only to get media coverage instead of be real.

I hate the game. I'm into reality. I just can't deal with the phoniness of it. I can't deal. You know, I've talked to a lot of people who have gotten out of politics for the same reason.

They can't deal with the lack of sincerity they run into in people who are in politics, and I understand the needs to go out and get votes and expand and mix coalitions and constituency groups and this sort of thing, but I've always believed: Do the right thing and the politics will follow.

Kerry Blown CIA Agent Cover

JOHN FRANÇOIS KERRY: Could I just take one moment? Thirty seconds, Mr. Chairman. This is reading from Mr. Flights' interview where he said, "Did Otto Reich share his belief that Fulton Armstrong should be removed from his position?" The answer is yes. "Did John Bolton share that view?" Mr. Flight said yes.

BOLTON: As I said, I had lost confidence in...Mr. Smith and I conveyed that. I thought that was the honest thing to do.

Washington Post: During a hearing on John R. Bolton's nomination to be ambassador to the United Nations, Bolton and members of the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee referred to the analyst as "Mr. Smith." They were discussing one of the officials involved in a dispute over what Democrats said was Bolton's inappropriate treatment of an intelligence analyst who disagreed with him.

"We referred to this other analyst at the CIA, whom I'll try and call Mr. Smith here," Bolton said at one point.

RUSH: Here's John Kerry who inadvertently mentions of name of a CIA agent, and where is the outrage today? There isn't any, because our guys don't care. They don't think it's an outrage, and they're not going to make much of a deal about it and they're not going to point out how John Kerry might have been a big hypocrite as well as all the libs.

Here's what John Kerry said about Joe Wilson's wife whose name is -- I'll say it, Valerie Plame! P-l-a-m-e! Valerie Plame! I'll mention her name. -- Here's what Kerry said about it.

JOHN FRANÇOIS KERRY: President Bush's father called those who exposed the names of national security sources traitors, and this President Bush needs to start going after any traitors in his midst and that means more than an inside once-over from his friend and Karl Rove's client, John Ashcroft.

RUSH: That means we can't just do a little-saving investigation; we've got to get to the bottom of it. So whoever leaked Joe Wilson's wife's name is a "traitor," and here's John Kerry.

What are we supposed to call him today? What are we supposed to call him, leaking the name of a CIA agent in a bunch of phony baloney hearings designed to destroy another good man, John Bolton? What are we supposed to call John Kerry today?

Old media on Iraq

While we heard a daily drumbeat of despair and an ongoing tabulation of American dead when things were looking bleaker -- a look, I might add, that was meticulously cultivated by the Old Media -- we hear nothing but a thundering silence today.

How can we but conclude that the media simply don't want to promote the good news out of Iraq? But why? Well, obviously, they suppress good news because it vindicates their nemesis, President Bush, and incriminates them and their liberal comrades.

David Limbaugh: When it comes to reporting on the Iraq War, the Old Media might as well be an appendage of the anti-war wing of the Democratic Party. It is astonishing how little coverage we've seen of the positive trend there over the last few months.

I realize many just chalk up the media's emphasis on bad news as intrinsic to journalism: the attitude that if nothing is going wrong, it's not really newsworthy. But that just doesn't wash.

How could anyone seriously contend that a reduction in the anarchy isn't newsworthy? What could be more important than signs indicating we might have turned the corner on the "insurgency"?

How about the relative decline in American fatalities? How about reports that Iraqi security forces are maturing and strengthening each day? How about recent hints that if current trends continue we could begin withdrawing substantial numbers of troops toward the end of the year?

Perhaps Gen. Sattler's declaration in November that our victory in Fallujah had "broken the back of the insurgency" was not an overstatement. Only time will tell. But in the meantime, I suppose we'll not hear much from the Old Media until the next coalition setback.

In case you're wondering, I'm not saying the Old Media don't want good things to happen in Iraq -- but just not on President Bush's watch.

Now that's newsworthy.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. The good news – today he put in for another Purple Heart.

Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial, if you've been following this thing. A former security guard said he saw Michael performing sex acts. It's pretty amazing when you consider his first two wives never even saw that.

As you know, one boy [in the trial] mentioned a "tickling game" that got out of hand. Which is, coincidentally, how I got this job.

President Clinton flew back from Rome with President Bush on Air Force One. President Bush showed Clinton some of the changes they'd made in the plane since Clinton last flew in it. In fact, when they got back to the sleeping quarters, Clinton looked at the ceiling and said, "Hey, where are the mirrors?"

Hey, did you know this? Before they went to Rome, President Bush let his father and Bill Clinton sit in on his daily intelligence briefings. And both Bush Sr. and Clinton were surprised it was done in the form of a puppet show.

Letterman

Crime in New York City is at an all-time low, how about that? (applause) And I think it's probably true, because I'm tellin' ya, it's been weeks since I've had to say, "Let's see how tough you are without that knife, punk!" (laughter/applause) It's been weeks since I've had to play dead on a bank floor.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I look tired, if I look exhausted, there's a good reason for it. I don't get much sleep anymore. I haven't had any sleep in about a week. Here's the problem – every time I roll over, I hurt my leg on Martha's electronic ankle bracelet.

As you know, Martha Stewart is finally out of the slammer, and she's now under house arrest. For five months she can't leave the grounds of her 160-acre estate. . . now, this is serious! If you see her outside of her estate, do not try to apprehend her yourself! Phone the authorities!

Letterman's Top Ten

From March 1, 2005 Top Ten Other Changes At CNN:

10. Interactive feature allows viewers to administer painful electric shock to Larry King.

9. Changing name to CNNN.

8. Let's just say Paula Zahn is now Paul Zahn.

7. Last 10 minutes of newscasts achors sing hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today.

6. Every night, one lucky viewer receives an on-air physical from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

5. They're putting Lou Dobbs on steroids.

4. Reporters must make quotation marks with fingers when calling Bush "President."

3. Every Sunday it's "WKRP in Cincinnati" marathons!

2. When covering a hard story, reporters ask, "What would Jack Daniels do?"

1. Wolf Blitzer changing name to Blitz Wolfer.

Conan

Martha Stewart says she's going to increase magazine sales by focusing less on the how-to and more on the why. Martha says if that doesn't work she'll start writing lesbo prison stories.

'Fat Actress' star Kirstie Alley announced that every time she strays from her diet she donates $100 to her favorite charity. As a result 3 diseases have been completely eradicated.

In a recent interview, James Brown said that he's not going to retire because he says in the music business 'I'm like Moses.' According to the Bible, Moses waived a gun at his wife and ran away from police in his bikini underwear.

Miller

Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos.

Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon has created a new comic book called "The Incredible Popeman," featuring Pope John Paul II as a superhero who battles evil with an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants, and cavorts with Superman and Batman. And that's why Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon is going to hell. How are you actively taunting God? Write us. We'd like to know.

There are reports that 17 year old British singer Joss Stone has moved in with her 25 year old boyfriend, a decision that some speculate might cause her to be fired from her lucrative endorsement deal with the Gap. However, she has been selected as the new face for the latest fragrance from Calvin Klein, "Statutory - For When You Just Can't Wait."

Ferguson

It's springtime in Hollywood, isn't in just beautiful? I like to go out in the morning, I like to have a walk in the park. I walk around the L.A. park. I'm in the park this morning, I see the Robert Blake jurors walking their seeing-eye dogs.

Springtime is court season in Hollywood as well! (laughter) Michael Jackson's in court. He's been late for court a lot because he can't figure out how to set his alarm clock. (laughter) It's true! He always has trouble with the little hand.

Gas prices in L.A. have gone nuts! It's crazy! Gas is so expensive now, there is a carpool lane for drive-by shootings!

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

You know what's the difference between the Lakers and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson actually gets excited about heading to the showers.

Not looking good for Michael. His accountants announced today he is finished doing his taxes. He's declared three children as defendants, and 47 accusers…

This week, tourists are flocking to Washington, flocking, because … the cherry blossoms are in full bloom. Did you know that? It's really, really beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful, President Bush told the logging industry, 'Wait 'til next week to chop 'em down.'

Well, under the new requirements – you know, we're tightening up the border, you know how it is – they say Canadians who, up to this point only need to show a driver's license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs.

President Bush's approval rating at an all-time low, 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact, he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we could invade.

Senator John Kerry, on crutches today . . . he said he needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained from all those years of trying to go in two directions at the same time.

Letterman

I have some bad news for you folks. . . subway crime here in New York City is up. It's getting worse. And I think this may be true because I'm coming to work this morning on the train . . . (laughter) and some teen punks exposed me as a sniveling coward in front of my date.

The gates are gone – the gates are leaving New York City. So if you're in Central Park and you see something colorful fluttering in the breeze, it's crime-scene tape.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Slogans For The Breast Enlargement Gum:

10. Puttin' the "yum" in Bubble Yum.

9. Go to the store and check out our rack.

8. Recommended by five out of five dentists.

7. Triple D-Licious.

6. Some Bazooka for your Bazookas.

5. Makes you feel minty and slutty!

4. Get a mouthful.

3. Bursting with flavor and bursting out of your shirt!

2. Double your pleasure, double your fun.

1. Talk about your juicy fruits.

Conan

The pope's funeral continues. So much coverage of the pope's funeral, and they keep coming up with these new facts all the time. I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope's will to the public. I didn't know that he had a will . . . the surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology.

All the world leaders are attending. President Bush is there, his dad – the first President Bush – I think President Clinton is there. And it was reported today that Cuban leader Fidel Castro will not be attending the pope's funeral. Yeah. Apparently, Castro wanted to attend, but he doesn't think his raft will arrive in time.

The company Sony says it is developing a television that will allow viewers to smell – I'm not making this up – to smell what is on the screen. It's true. In a related story, the 'Murder, She Wrote' reunion show has been canceled.

Miller

Cuban leader Fidel Castro signed the Pope's condolence book Monday. Because there's no greater friend of religion than a brutal communist dictator. . . And in an uncharacteristically generous gesture, Castro said that any Cuban citizens who wish to pay their respects to the Pope at the Vatican will be given a free raft and a push.

On Tuesday, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales urged lawmakers to make permanent all 15 expiring provisions of the Patriot Act. Gonzalez claims that the government has never used the Patriot Act's power of secret warrants to obtain library, bookstore, medical, or gun store records. So if you're a terrorist bookworm with colon polyps who loves AK-47's, this is your day.

In an effort to beef up U.S. border security, starting in 2008, Americans will need passports to enter the United States from Canada and Mexico, while Canadians will have to present a passport to enter from Canada. Mexicans, on the other hand, will still just have to be able to run really fast.

Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline have a new reality show coming out on the UPN network. Well, it's nice to see Britney finally capitalizing off Federline's amazing star power.

Ferguson

First day of spring here in Los Angeles – I saw a robin with breast implants and an ass-tuck. (laughter) Nothing says spring like plastic surgery on wildlife.

I had a lovely walk in the park today . . . It was one of those, 'only in L.A.' scenes. I saw an old man on a park bench feeding the pigeons to Kirstie Alley.

NBC has renewed 'Joey' for another season. And no one could be happier with the decision than Joey's viewer. . . who called in earlier today.

A judge today ordered a man to stay 100 feet away from Janet Jackson. Now here's the test to see if you're too close – if you can see her nipple without squinting.

Michael Jackson, the other Jackson, was late to court due to illness. The good news is, he's got a clean bill of health from the ear, nose, nose, nose, no nose, and throat doctor.

Kimmel

A lot going on in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday, they had a fingerprint expert to analyze prints they found on a Penthouse Magazine the police seized from the Neverland Ranch. Apparently, the prints are from Michael, Michael's accuser, the accuser's brother, and a giraffe, which was weird…

They say Michael's prints were very prominent because his fingers were covered with a film of Tootsie Pops and Lunchables.

Me! Me! Me! Hanoi Jane Rides Again

On "60 Minutes," Jane Fonda moans:

"I will go to my grave regretting that. The image of Jane Fonda, 'Barbarella,' Henry Fonda's daughter, just a woman sitting on an enemy aircraft gun was a betrayal. It was like I was thumbing my nose at the military and at the country that gave me privilege."

"Like" she was thumbing her nose? The woman delivered numerous broadcasts on Radio Hanoi claiming tortured POWs were in "good health," calling her own president a "new-type Hitler" on enemy airwaves, and accusing American pilots of being "war criminals."

Vietnam veterans see clearly through Fonda's ploy -- yet another insult to the memory of fallen American troops. Walter Inge wrote in a letter to the editor of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Despite repeated claims, Hanoi Jane Fonda has never apologized for her treasonous collaboration with the Vietnamese Communists. Writing that it was 'a betrayal' and 'a lapse of judgment' is a confession, not an apology.

Michelle Malkin: Jane Fonda just won't shut up. And her crocodile tears will not stop flowing. She has contracted an acute case of Aging Celebrity Hippie Syndrome -- and it's going to land her tell-all memoir on The New York Times best-seller list in no time.

Meanwhile, Fonda's fellow Hollywood hippie leftover, Peter Yarrow, traveled to Vietnam last week "ready to get down on my knees as one American and say, 'Please forgive us'" -- a sentiment with which the unrepentant Fonda -- who has yet to apologize for those treasonous radio broadcasts -- no doubt concurs.

No mind. Fonda's cynical non-apology "apology" keeps making headlines, just as she and her book publicists had hoped. This isn't about making amends. This is about making money.

Me! Me! Me! Hanoi Jane rides again.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

The United States announced today a plan that will tighten all borders by 2008. Mexico announced a plan to have all their people here by 2007.

As you know, President Bush and Laura Bush took Bill Clinton with them to Rome for the papal services. It's a delegation of the faithful and unfaithful, I guess…

I tease – actually, Bill Clinton met with the pope four times. Four times! Of course, it was for confession.

There was no testimony in the Michael Jackson trial today. Apparently, all the witnesses had a big spelling test. (laughter) More bad new for Michael Jackson. It now looks as though is inner child will testify against him.

There was a concern at zoos in China that their panda population may be in trouble. Apparently, the pandas are so fat, they can't mate. Well, that hasn't stopped us Americans, has it? Send those pandas over here!

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay

"A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"

"Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."

"Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!"

"Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"

"When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me."

"What a lovely bouquet from Osama."

"For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."

"We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries."

"Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?"

"Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him."

Conan

Right now, all the world leaders are headed to Rome. President Bush flew to the Vatican today, and he told reporters, this is nice, that he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. (applause) Here's the bad part. Bush added, 'I was also a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I.'

This is interesting. Prince Charles has postponed his wedding to Camila Parker-Bowles, because it was scheduled for the same day as the pope's funeral. When asked about it, Charles said, 'I don't want this enormous, tragic event to compete with the pope's funeral.'

The rapper C Murder – that's his name, C Murder – says that his name has been hurting his chances of getting paroled on murder charges. . . (laughter) So, C Murder is changing his name to C Miller. Soon afterwards, he confessed to several Millers…

An article in the Journal of the American Medical Association says doctors have discovered a new drug that helps alcoholics quit drinking. (cheers and boos) Yeah. Unfortunately the drug is called heroin.

Miller

This week, the nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America!'

During the selection process, the Cardinals will be kept isolated from the rest of the world, with no cell phones, no radios, and no television. When asked if this would be a burden to them in the 21st century world, one Cardinal responded, 'Is the Pope Catholic?'

Martha Stewart's lawyers have asked a judge to relax the terms of Stewart's house arrest at her Connecticut mansion so that she would no longer be required to wear an electronic monitoring bracelet. (CRIES) Sorry. Sometimes human suffering just overwhelms me. I'll be okay.

Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget.

Ferguson

I want to wish you a happy Tartan Day! Tartan is plaid. Scottish people call plaid tartan, and Americans call tartan plaid. Plaid is a checked pattern. In Scotland plaid is used to identify your family. The Ferguson's have a Ferguson plaid; the MacDonald's have a MacDonald plaid. . . it's kind of like gang colors from the Middle Ages. (laughter) It's like the Crips and the Bloods get a make-over from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Today's also the day that President Bush flew to Rome today for the pope's funeral. It was not Tartan Day in Rome. (laughter) Not even Toga Day in Rome.

It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when Bush met a group of cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros.

Did you hear about the rapper C Murder, who was convicted of murder? He's appealing against his conviction and changing his stage name in hopes of convincing people he's innocent. It's true. So from now on, he'll be known as 'R. Blake."

Kimmel

Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL.

Michael Jackson – singer, I don't know if you've heard of him. . . (laughter). He got a break from his trial today, and he needed it because, I mean, the Ferris Wheel hadn't been oiled, the giraffes hadn't been milked . . . I mean, the Neverland Ranch is a mess.

Michael Jackson actually went to a funeral today. It's kind of weird, because on one hand, you have the pope lying in state, and on the other you have Johnnie Cochran. I think that's what they mean by the yin and the yang. (laughter) Thousands of people showed up for his funeral today to pay their respects. In particular, I think Johnnie's family will miss him, as well as his colleagues, his former clients, and really, anyone else whoever killed his wife.

After the polls closed [in Iraq] there is a new interim president . . . He's called the 'interim president' because he's only going to be in office until he's killed. (laughter) Get this – his last name is Talabani. . . Jalal Talabani. He beat out a guy, I think, by the name of Ahmed Terroristi.

Rapper C Murder is changing his name, this is true, to try to get his conviction for. . . murder. . . (laughter) reduced. He's thinking of changing it to C Misdemeanor.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

I'm having such a miserable day. Here's what happened today. For lunch today, I said I'm going over to Wendy's ... I get over to Wendy's, and they're all out of body parts.

Folks, you excited about baseball? Sunday, of course, was opening day at Yankee Stadium. (applause) I think it's great. It's nice to know there's still someplace you can go for a $19 beer.

But I'll tell you what I love, I love the Yankees-Red Sox series. (applause) I love the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the smell of the tear gas ...

It was chilly at opening day at Yankee Stadium. It was so cold Jose Canseco was injecting players with hot cocoa.

How about President Bush? Have you folks been enjoying the new, relaxed President Bush? He's more relaxed, and they say the reason President George Bush is more relaxed is every afternoon he gets a full-body massage. The afternoon massage takes the place of the old Bush method – vodka.

I was thinking about this – a full-body massage in late afternoon ... isn't that what got the last guy impeached?

Conan

Star Jones is getting married this weekend. Yeah. Star Jones says that after her wedding this weekend, she's hoping to take her husband's name. Meanwhile, the guy she's marrying said that after the wedding, he's hoping Star will untie him and let him go.

Ferguson

You probably just saw on David Letterman's show, Jane Fonda was on. She's got a new tell-all book, of all her ex-husbands, and it's kinda freakin' me out. 'Cause I'm thinking maybe some of the ex-Mrs. Fergusons will be doing tell-all books. (laughter) There's only two of them. I don't know that there's much to tell, though. I don't. It's more of a tell-all pamphlet, I suppose.

Have you been watching the Michael Jackson trial? I've decided I'm not going to do any more Michael Jackson gags. It's just a late-night thing, I'm not going to do it. It's because (a) they're not very good, and (b) they're starting to creep me out. All this new evidence and stuff, it looks like he's going to jail. He's going down! ... That's a bad choice of words ...

I'm doing no more Michael Jackson jokes. But ... the judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face.

Here's some other music business news. Eminem and 50 Cent will co-headline the "Anger Management" tour this summer. (laughter) The two-month tour will start in Indianapolis and end in prison.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

You know, there's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside. (laughter) Then I know it's too long.

President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'"

You know the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and President Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam.

In West Virginia, a guy gets into a fight with his girlfriend. He supposedly put a container of gasoline in her microwave oven and set the house on fire. Isn't that crazy, isn't that nuts? Doesn't this guy know the price of gas now?

Letterman's Top Ten

From March 29, 2005 Top Ten Ways Airlines are Cutting Back:
10. Pilots have to pay for their inflight cocktails.

9. Ticket agents urging travelers to stay home.

8. To maximize space, seats no longer recline a luxurious inch-and-a-half.

7. Oxygen mask compartments replaced with video poker screens.

6. Instead of complimentary pillows, wadded-up clothing pulled out of checked luggage.

5. Difference between first class and coach? A bite-size 3 Musketeers bar.

4. From now on, planes will taxi from one destination to another on the interstate.

3. I don't know, but how hard is it to open them peanuts, am I right people?

2. In case of water landing, your only flotation device is the fat guy in 16F.

1. Inflight "movie" is home video of the pilot "Gettin' It On".

Conan

I don't know if you're aware, ladies and gentlemen, but Martha Stewart's back in the news. She's in the news again. It's been reported that Martha Stewart wants her company to reimburse her for the $4 million she paid in legal fees. Martha explained, "The money's not just for me – I have a wife now."

The Washington Post has a story. The Washington Post is reporting that Ralph Nader is demanding a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire. He wants a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire, yeah. A New Hampshire official agreed and said, "One, two. . . Yeah, it's two."

Yesterday in New York, a woman gave birth to twins just before her 57th birthday. Fifty-seven. Apparently the woman and the twins are doing well, but the doctor is still a little nauseous.

Ferguson

Big weekend, and of course, a tragic weekend as well. The world lost a great man. The owner of Purdue Chicken, Frank Purdue, passed away at the age of 84 . . . (laughter). It's very sad. It was an open casket, with a side order of cole slaw and a buttered roll.

A new report found out that more and more pot smokers are purchasing their drug of choice on credit cards. Isn't that unbelievable? Pot on credit! Things have changed a bit since my young day, I can tell you. What are they using, the Jamaican Express Card?

There's a new voice-activated remote control that's changing the way people watch TV. For instance, you can say, "I want to watch 'Joey,'" and the remote will laugh for up to 30 seconds.

Zogby Poll: Americans Were Not in Favor of Starving Terri Schiavo

A Zogby question his directly on Terri's circumstances.

"If a disabled person is not terminally ill, not in a coma, and not being kept alive on life support, and they have no written directive, should or should they not be denied food and water," the poll asked.

A whopping 79 percent said the patient should not have food and water taken away while just 9 percent said yes.

Washington, DC (LifeNews.com) -- Polls leading up to the death of Terri Schiavo made it appear Americans had formed a consensus in favor of ending her life. However, a new Zogby poll with fairer questions shows the nation clearly supporting Terri and her parents and wanting to protect the lives of other disabled patients.

The Zogby poll found that, if a person becomes incapacitated and has not expressed their preference for medical treatment, as in Terri's case, 43 percent say "the law presume that the person wants to live, even if the person is receiving food and water through a tube" while just 30 percent disagree.

"From the very start of this debate, Americans have sat on one of two sides," Concerned Women for America's Lanier Swann said in response to the poll. One side "believes Terri's life has worth and purpose, and the side who saw Michael Schiavo's actions as merciful, and appropriate."

More than three-fourths of Americans agreed, Swann said, "because a person is disabled, that patient should never be denied food and water."

The poll also lent support to members of Congress to who passed legislation seeking to prevent Terri's starvation death and help her parents take their lawsuit to federal courts.

"When there is conflicting evidence on whether or not a patient would want to be on a feeding tube, should elected officials order that a feeding tube be removed or should they order that it remain in place," respondents were asked.

Some 18 percent said the feeding tube should be removed and 42 percent said it should remain in place.

Swann said her group would encourage Congress to adopt legislation that would federal courts to review cases when the medical treatment desire of individuals is not known and the patient's family has a dispute over the care.

"According to these poll results, many Americans do in fact agree with what we're trying to accomplish," she said.

The poll found that 49 percent of Americans believe there should be exceptions to the right of a spouse to act as a guardian for an incapacitated spouse. Only 39 percent disagreed.

When asked directly about Terri's case and told the her estranged husband Michael "has had a girlfriend for 10 years and has two children with her" 56 percent of Americans believed guardianship should have been turned over to Terri's parents while 37 percent disagreed.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

You know what I watched last night – I hadn't seen it in about 20 years – "Mad Max, the Road Warrior," the Mel Gibson movie ... what was that, about 1980? It takes place when gas is so precious, people are killing each other for a couple of gallons. And it was set some time in the future – I think it was the summer of 2005.

Did you hear about this? A woman in Kettering, Ohio, gave birth to a baby at a gas station. So apparently now, when you fill your tank, they take your first-born.

President Bush's approval rating has slipped to 45 percent, his lowest ever. In fact it is so low, today he was named an honorary Democrat.

You know who's birthday it is today? Al Gore, 57 years old. They had a birthday party for him. He blew out the candles and everyone yelled, "NO speech! NO speech!" (laughter) You know, you realize, Al Gore's been retired from government now for five years ... five years. Well, 13 years if count his years as vice president.

Hundreds of private citizens begin patrolling the Mexican border beginning this weekend, to try to stem the tide of illegal immigration in this country. Unfortunately, the pay is so low the only people signing up are illegal immigrants.

Lisa Marie Presley will kick off her spring tour April 26, in support of her new album. Her album is called, "Now What?" which is the same thing Michael [Jackson] said to her on their wedding night.

Letterman

What a beautiful day in New York City. Wasn't it wonderful, lovely? (applause) Beautiful, beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice, earlier today I saw a funeral procession pull into Dairy Queen.

It was so nice here in New York City today, I saw a couple of nuns outside St. Patrick's taking a cigarette break.

Baseball season begins this weekend ... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids (laughter)... And that's just in the hot dogs.

I don't know if you folks from out of town have experienced this or not, but big problems, big trouble in New York City. Every week there's a big problem, and now, do you know what it is? Giant potholes. Thousands of giant potholes all over New York City. ... One pothole I saw was so deep, you could look into it and actually see where Scott Peterson is headed.

Good news, ladies and gentlemen ... organ donation is up 6 percent. And that's just in the chili at Wendy's.

Conan

Yesterday, President Bush told reporters that even though his Social Security plan has hurt his popularity, he, quote, "remained undeterred." Then the president giggled and said, "I said turd ..."

Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Yeah. Afterwards, Demi Moore said, "I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance."

Big news last night – Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne were forced out of bed when their house caught on fire. Ozzie was stunned and confused – and then the fire started ...

Miller

This week, the Supreme Court made it easier for workers over 40 to allege age discrimination, saying that employers can be held liable even if they never intended any harm. The age discrimination issue is especially close to the Justices' hearts, having just heard earlier this week that they're being replaced by the cast of "The O.C."

First lady Laura Bush made a quick visit to Afghanistan on Tuesday, where she met with President Hamid Karzai and had dinner with U.S. troops. It's actually very beautiful in Afghanistan this time of year, with all the heroin in bloom.

A San Francisco company is offering a 'Lady Wingman' service where for 50 dollars an hour a woman helps a single man meet women at a bar. Or, for $50 an hour, you can get a cheap hooker. It's your call, Maverick.

A flight attendant that flew with Michael Jackson and his accuser from Miami to Santa Barbara testified Wednesday that she served Jackson wine in a Diet Coke can. You know, I guess when your nose is down to a piece of bathtub stopper, you don't really need glassware to release the bouquet anymore.

Ferguson

What a lovely day it was in Los Angeles today, wasn't it lovely? Beautiful! (applause) Spring's in the air – it's so nice people moved their crystal meth labs out on the front lawn.

Here's a story – a frightening story in many ways ... well, we'll see. A woman in Louisiana discovered $40,000 worth of cocaine wrapped around the fuel tank of her car. It's true! So she sold it and bought a tank of gas.

This is fascinating – I heard this today – this is fascinating. Studies show that rats enjoy tickling. (light laughter) Rats enjoy tickling! They like to get tickled! I don't know what that actually tells you. I mean, they also enjoy crapping in your pantry.

Kimmel

How many of you are here on spring break? (applause) What percentage of you actually expect to graduate from the college your parents are sending you to? (applause/laugher) Enjoy the weekend, though, because next week it's back to class, back to dorm rooms, back to vomiting in the bathtub because you couldn't make it to the toilet ...

Not a good week for Michael Jackson, the low light being when he showed up to court an hour and forty minutes late. No one knew where he was. Michael claims he was hospitalized with back problems. He's had a bad back, I guess, ever since he tried to give both Macaulay Culkin and Immanuel Lewis a piggyback ride at the same time.

Squeamish Mel Gibson fans like myself will be happy to hear that opening in theaters tonight, a recut version of "Passion of the Christ." I guess they edited it to make it more family-friendly. In this version, Jesus just gets community service.

Poll Shift on Terri's Death

Public opinion may be shifting on the decision to disconnect Terri Schiavo's feeding tube and starve her to death, according to a new Fox Opinion Dynamics survey – with a significant percentage of Americans now saying it was "murder."

When asked about the "decision to remove" Schiavo's feeding tube, 38 percent of Americans told Opinion Dynamics that they disagreed with the move, with 42 percent saying it was the right thing to do.

A full 20 percent said they were unsure.

A widely circulated ABC News poll last week asked if it was right to pull Schiavo's feeding tube, noting that she's been "on life support for 15 years" with a condition that is "irreversible."

Phrasing the question like that, 63 percent backed the decision to remove her tube, with 28 opposed.

In perhaps the most startling finding of the survey, 50 percent of African-Americans told Opinion Dynamics that removing Schiavo's feeding tube was "an act of murder."

Thirty-nine percent of Republicans agreed. Even among Americans under 30, more than a third of the population [35 percent] believe that Schiavo was murdered.

Opinion Dynamics surveyed 900 registered voters on March 29-30, the day before Schiavo died.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Well, it's spring break across the country – a lot of spring break kids here tonight? (applause) Of course, next week is "spring breakout," where kids start noticing, "Hey, there's a thing on my lip ..."

Gasoline prices continue to rise here in California. Prices are the highest in the nation, well over three dollars a gallon in some places. Unbelievable. The gas station near my house, they have a slot for your credit card and another one for your 401(k).

Well, this is interesting. Actually, it's kind of creepy. In Malibu, road crew workers – you know how the mudslides are? – they found a severed foot in a pile of dirt. They think it may have fallen off a delivery truck on its way to Wendy's.

President Bush's approval rating now dropped 10 points, to a record low of 45 percent. Do you realize if the presidential elections were held today, John Kerry would have to work twice as hard to lose.

President Bush says this week he will ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. Apparently he found out there were still some people left in Mexico.

Letterman

The weather here in New York City is unbelievably beautiful. It's like the first truly lovely day of spring, it's fantastic. I'll give you an idea of how good the weather is in New York City. Over at Mount Sinai [Hospital], the surgeons were actually performing vasectomies on the roof.

The thing I love about springtime in New York – and you folks have probably noticed this – it's that everybody's more friendly. People are just friendlier. I'm walking to work today (laughter) ... I can walk to work! I'm not Oprah! (laughter) This beautiful woman stops me right on the sidewalk and she says, "Stop following me!"

I want to tell you something, and this is nothing for you tourists to worry about, but here in New York City we've got a big problem. Seems like every week there's a new big problem. You know what it is this week? Potholes. Giant potholes. We're not talking about little dinky things. We're talking about giant ... massive ... so deep that the feds actually think Osama bin Laden is hiding in one down on Eighth Avenue.

But it was sunny today. It was so sunny that the finger in my chili had a tan.

Wendy's, God bless 'em, they've got a brand new promotion for their chili. Now instead of a spoon, they serve it with nail clippers.

Conan

There's a big scandal involving the Boy Scouts. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, the national director of the Boy Scouts of America was arrested on child pornography charges. Yeah. Apparently, police became suspicious when they noticed he was the national director of the Boy Scouts of America.

In a speech yesterday, first lady Laura Bush said that every American should have a living will. After hearing this, M.C. Hammer said, "Hell, I don't even have a living room."

It's was a bad day for Michael Jackson, because new tapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an honorary Trekkie.

Martha Stewart is back in the news. Martha Stewart has been complaining that her electronic ankle bracelet has given her a terrible rash. After hearing this, Paris Hilton said, "You mean I've been wearing an electronic ankle bracelet?"

Miller

Hey, folks, let's cut to the chase on illegal immigration. A recent study shows that the number of illegal immigrants in this country jumped to 11 million over the past few years, which basically means if our nation's borders were any more violated, they'd be guests at Neverland Ranch.

Ferguson

It's springtime in L.A. I love it! Isn't it beautiful? Nature's blooming – even the smog is piney fresh.

Another telltale sign it's springtime in L.A. – the transvestites were lying out this morning on Sunset Boulevard. to get some sun color on their Adam's apples.

New allegations have surfaced that some professional football players have taken steroids. In fact, some of them have gotten so big they've taken up baseball.

Kimmel

Speaking of World Women's Day, you know, on Mother's Day you have to buy flowers, but you only have one mother. There are, like, 3 billion women on earth, so I guess everybody's just going to have to get a card.

You know what I do on Women's Day? It's a thing – every Women's Day for the past three years, I sacrifice a live baby goat to Oprah.

Blame Judiciary in Terri's Death

PRESIDENT BUSH: Today millions of Americans are saddened by the death of Terri Schiavo. Laura and I extend or condolences to Terri Schiavo's families. I appreciate the example of grace and dignity they have displayed at a difficult time.

I urge all those who honor Terri Schiavo to continue to work to build a culture of life where all Americans are welcomed and valued and protected, especially those who live at the mercy of others. The essence of civilization is that the strong have a duty to protect the weak. In cases where there are serious doubts and questions, the presumption should be in favor of life.

Washington(CB): House Majority Leader Tom DeLay on Thursday blamed Terri Schiavo's death on what he contended was a failed legal system and he raised the possibility of trying to impeach some of the federal judges in the case.


"The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior," said DeLay, R-Texas. (See Photo)

DeLay, the second-ranking House GOP lawmaker, helped lead congressional efforts 10 days ago to enact legislation designed to prod the federal courts into ordering the reinsertion of Schiavo's feeding tube. He said the courts' refusal to do just that was a "perfect example of an out of control judiciary."

Joining DeLay in taking issue with the judiciary was Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., who said, "The actions on the part of the Florida court and the U.S. Supreme Court are unconscionable."

Also, GOP Rep. Patrick McHenry of North Carolina said the case "saw a state judge completely ignore a congressional committees subpoena and insult its intent" and "a federal court not only reject, but deride the very law that Congress passed."

DeLay said he would make sure that the GOP-controlled House "will look at an arrogant and out of control judiciary that thumbs its nose at Congress and the president."

The legislation passed in an emergency session of Congress and immediately signed by Bush ordered the federal courts to review the decision by a Florida judge to allow the removal of the feeding tube that kept Schiavo alive.

U.S. District Judge James Whittemore refused. His ruling was twice upheld by the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals. Later, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to intervene.

As a House member, DeLay has no constitutional role in deciding who becomes a federal judge or whether a judge should be disciplined. The president selects the judges; senators confirm them. The federal court regulates those judges.

But the GOP-controlled House can initiate impeachment proceedings on federal judges, just as they impeached President Clinton, only to have the Senate acquit him.

"Congress for many years has shirked its responsibility to hold the judiciary accountable. No longer," DeLay said.

The House has impeached 11 federal judges, including former Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase, but the Senate has only convicted and removed seven.

Chase was not convicted. The last federal judge to be removed was Alcee Hastings, in 1989; he is now a Democratic congressman from Florida.

Congress does have the authority under the Constitution to limit what kind of cases the federal courts can hear. Republicans have complained for some time about what they see as an out of control federal judiciary.

Rush: "It's plain as day what happened here. The United States government ordered the starvation of an innocent citizen who was not dying."

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Delay Blames Judiciary in Terri's Death

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, holds a copy of the Constitution of the United States as he speaks about the death of Terri Schiavo. DeLay condemned the judges who at both the state and federal level declined to order that Schiavobe kept alive artificially.