Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
The experts keep telling us that the weather keeps effecting the price of gas. When it’s cold and wet we use more heat. When it’s warm and sunny people travel more. So really the only time when the price of gas will go down due to weather is when it snows in hell!
Letterman
The allergy season has hit New York City. For example I was at a funeral up in Queens and they had a sneezeguard over the casket.
I think it’s all the rat dander.
Things are so bad that the crack dealers are now selling antihistamine.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay:
10. "Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him."
9. "Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?"
8. "We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries."
7. "For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."
6. "What a lovely bouquet from Osama."
5. "When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me."
4. "Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"
3. "Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!"
2. "Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."
1. "A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"
Leno
The experts keep telling us that the weather keeps effecting the price of gas. When it’s cold and wet we use more heat. When it’s warm and sunny people travel more. So really the only time when the price of gas will go down due to weather is when it snows in hell!
Letterman
The allergy season has hit New York City. For example I was at a funeral up in Queens and they had a sneezeguard over the casket.
I think it’s all the rat dander.
Things are so bad that the crack dealers are now selling antihistamine.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay:
10. "Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him."
9. "Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?"
8. "We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries."
7. "For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."
6. "What a lovely bouquet from Osama."
5. "When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me."
4. "Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"
3. "Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!"
2. "Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."
1. "A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"
