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Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.

The plan came in two parts, and I guess they couldn’t agree which part to implement first — the smoke or the mirrors.

To give you an idea of how bad the economy is, over the weekend, I wrote a check and the bank bounced.

The vice presidential debate is Thursday. Here’s what Sarah Palin should do: Let Joe Biden have the first question. He’ll take 90 minutes to answer . . . then say, “We’re out of time! Who could have seen that coming?”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Features Of The Rejected $700 Billion Bailout

10. First 500 billion comes from Regis

9. If this bailout fails, promise of another $700 billion bailout to bailout the bailout

8. To give Americans a break, this week, gas is being lowered to nine bucks a gallon

7. For $20 you can bail yourself out with the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available now!

6. A billion dollars to rebuild the Mets bullpen

5. Instead of securities, they're now called "insecurities."

4. For some reason, Haliburton gets $500 billion

3. No number 3 — economy so bad writer sold computer

2. Everything west of the Mississippi will be sold to China

1. President Bush must send every American a "Sorry, I'm a dumbass" card

David Letterman

A group of mathematicians at UCLA has discovered the largest prime number. It has 13 million digits. Coincidentally, that’s the price tag of the federal bailout.

President Bush says the taxpayers could actually make a profit on the bailout. Well, that’s good enough for me.

Sen. John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts — he bailed out on me.

Kelly Ripa’s birthday today. Most people don’t know this, but she was actually John McCain’s first choice for a running mate.

Conan O'Brien

Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called "a crap sandwich." Congress hasn’t given up — they’re already working on a new plan they call "a crap sandwich with cheese.”

Today when the stock marked closed it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his administration’s bucket list.

Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric and they’re saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential.

Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.

Craig Ferguson

It was a terrible day. The Stock market fell a jazillion points. And Congress botched the bailout deal. Experts on Wall Street say it’s the biggest disaster to hit New York City since the Mets.

No one agrees who won the presidential debate of course. Republicans say McCain won; Democrats say Obama won; Bill Clinton says Hillary won.

The vice presidential debate is coming up this week. The VPs only get one debate, so it is really important. Some people say the vice president doesn’t do much in office, so it isn’t a big deal. I’ve got two words for people who say that: Dick and Cheney.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided among parties. It’s heartening to see Congress put aside party differences to come together to not get anything done.

This is the first time the stock market has lost almost a trillion dollars in one day. I don’t know . . . is it me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating?

Don’t look at it as all of us losing our money . . . look at it as an opportunity to all live together at Oprah’s house.

Every morning when they open the stock market, they ring a bell. And for the firast time since 1903, the bell didn’t ring. It wouldn’t ring. I think that’s what they call a bad omen.

Congress Set to Pass Financial Rescue Package

WASHINGTON - Congressional leaders and the White House agreed Sunday to a $700 billion rescue of the ailing financial industry after lawmakers insisted on sharing spending controls with the Bush administration. The biggest U.S. bailout in history won the tentative support of both presidential candidates and goes to the House for a vote Monday.

The plan, bollixed up for days by election-year politics, would give the administration broad power to use billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars to purchase devalued mortgage-related assets held by cash-starved financial firms.

President Bush called the vote a difficult one for lawmakers but said he is confident Congress will pass it. "Without this rescue plan, the costs to the American economy could be disastrous," Bush said in a written statement released by the White House. He was to speak publicly about the plan early Monday morning, before U.S. markets open.

Flexing its political muscle, Congress insisted on a stronger hand in controlling the money than the White House had wanted. Lawmakers had to navigate between angry voters with little regard for Wall Street and administration officials who warned that inaction would cause the economy to seize up and spiral into recession.

A deal in hand, Capitol Hill leaders scrambled to sell it to colleagues in both parties and acknowledged they were not certain it would pass. "Now we have to get the votes," said Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., the majority leader.

Rep. John A. Boehner, R-Ohio, the House minority leader, said he was urging "every member whose conscience will allow them to support this" to back it, but officials in both parties expected the vote to be a nail-biter.

The final legislation was released Sunday evening, and Republicans and Democrats huddled for hours in private meetings to learn its details and voice their concerns.

Many said they left undecided, and leaders were scrambling to put the most positive face on a deeply unpopular plan.

"This isn't about a bailout of Wall Street, it's a buy-in, so that we can turn our economy around," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.

The largest government intervention in financial markets since the Great Depression casts Washington's long shadow over Wall Street. The government would take over huge amounts of devalued assets from beleaguered financial companies in hopes of unlocking frozen credit.

"I don't know of anyone here who wants the center of the economic universe to be Washington," said a top negotiator, Sen. Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs Committee. But, he added, "The center of gravity is here temporarily. ... God forbid it's here any longer than it takes to get credit moving again."

The plan would let Congress block half the money and force the president to jump through some hoops before using it all. The government could get at $250 billion immediately, $100 billion more if the president certified it was necessary, and the last $350 billion with a separate certification — and subject to a congressional resolution of disapproval.

Still, the resolution could be vetoed by the president, meaning it would take extra-large congressional majorities to stop it.

As Bush's team stepped up its efforts to corral reluctant Republicans, the White House released a letter from his budget chief, Jim Nussle, to Boehner saying the measure would cost taxpayers "considerably less" than its eye-popping $700 billion total.

Lawmakers in both parties were poring over the 110-page bill. Democratic leaders have made it clear they will not support the rescue unless a substantial number of Republicans join them.

"It will take two to make this work," said Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-Ill.

But it was a tough sell for lawmakers in both parties.

Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, an opponent, estimated that half of the House's 199 Republicans are "truly undecided."

Lawmakers who struck a post-midnight deal on the plan with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson predicted final congressional action might not come until Wednesday.

The proposal is designed to end a vicious downward spiral that has battered all levels of the economy. Hundreds of billions of dollars in investments based on mortgages have soured and cramped banks' willingness to lend.

"If we do not do this, the trauma, the chaos and the disruption to everyday Americans' lives will be overwhelming, and that's a price we can't afford to risk paying," Sen. Judd Gregg, the chief Senate Republican in the talks, told The Associated Press.

Rep. Barney Frank of Massachusetts, the House Financial Services Committee chairman, predicted the measure would pass, though not by a large majority.

"It's not a bill that any one of us would have written. It's a much better bill than we got. It's not as good as it should be," he said.

A breakthrough came Saturday night, with the addition of a requirement sought by centrist Democrats and Republicans to ensure that the government be paid back by companies that got help. The president would have to tell Congress after five years how he planned to recoup the losses.

Another key bargain — this time to draw Republican support — allows, but doesn't require, government to insure some bad home loans rather than buy them. That's designed to limit the amount of federal money used in the rescue.

"This is something that all of us will swallow hard and go forward with," said Republican presidential nominee John McCain.

His Democratic rival Barack Obama sought credit for taxpayer safeguards added to the initial proposal from the Bush administration. Later, at a rally in Detroit, Obama said, "it looks like we will pass that plan very soon."

The rescue would only be open to companies who deny their executives "golden parachutes" and limit their pay packages. Firms that got the most help through the program — $300 million or more — would face steep taxes on any compensation for their top people over $500,000.

The government would receive stock warrants in return for the bailout relief, giving taxpayers a chance to share in recipients' future profits.

To help struggling homeowners, the plan would require the government to try renegotiating the bad mortgages it acquires with the aim of lowering borrowers' monthly payments so they can keep their homes.

But Democrats surrendered other cherished goals: letting judges rewrite bankrupt homeowners' mortgages and steering any profits gained toward an affordable housing fund.

It was Obama who first signaled Democrats were willing to give up some of their favorite proposals. He told reporters Wednesday that the bankruptcy measure was a priority, but that it "probably something that we shouldn't try to do in this piece of legislation."

Frank negotiated much of the compromise in a marathon series of up-and-down meetings and phone calls with Paulson, Dodd, D-Conn., and key Republicans including Gregg and Blunt.

Pelosi shepherded the discussions at key points, and cut a central deal Saturday night — on companies paying back taxpayers for any losses — that gave momentum to the final accord.

An extraordinary week of talks unfolded after Paulson and Ben Bernanke, the Federal Reserve chairman, went to Congress 10 days ago with ominous warnings about a full-blown economic meltdown if lawmakers did not act quickly to infuse huge amounts of government money into a financial sector buckling under the weight of toxic debt.

The negotiations were shaped by the political pressures of an intense campaign season in which voters' economic concerns figure prominently. They brought McCain and Obama to Washington for a White House meeting that yielded more discord and behind-the-scenes theatrics than progress, but increased the pressure on both sides to strike a bargain.

Lawmakers in both parties who are facing re-election are loath to embrace a costly plan proposed by a deeply unpopular president that would benefit perhaps the most publicly detested of all: companies that got rich off bad bets that have caused economic pain for ordinary people.

But many of them say the plan is vital to ensure their constituents don't pay for Wall Street's mistakes, in the form of unaffordable credit and major hits to investments they count on, like their pensions.

Why McCain Won the Debate

By: Christopher Ruddy

There is little question that John McCain “won” the first debate Friday night. Perhaps he lost on points (arguments) and style (how could he beat Mr. Smooth?), but McCain “won” over the audience, the only victory that counts.

Here’s what I saw and heard:

1. Any question that McCain is too old to run for office has been put to rest. He was sharp, on point and looked good -- good enough, that is.

2. If the debate was held before the elite faculties of Harvard and Columbia, schools Obama attended, he would have won hands down. But this debate was held before the American public.

3. Obama was too smooth, too smart. Remember the “W. Factor.” Bush lost all the debates with John Kerry on style and substance. But Bush came across as more likeable. Ditto McCain.

4. Obama has a subtle, condescending speaking style. His hand gestures of constant pointing fingers, frequently raising his fingers to eye level, jabbing constantly, make’s one feel he’s lecturing us. Yes, John Kennedy jabbed, but only occasionally.

5. After the debate I heard on a radio caller say they listened to the debate on radio. Obama sounded like a professor. Bingo. Americans don’t elect professors president.

6. The debate opened on the economy. McCain should have scored much bigger points. He didn’t. He claimed Obama wanted to raise taxes. He should have rattled off specifics of Obama’s tax plan, including: removing the FICA tax cap, doubling the capital gains tax, increasing dividend taxes, letting the Bush tax cuts expire giving everyone an automatic tax increase, raising gasoline taxes, etc.

7. Obama also made some serious tactical mistakes. Twice in the debate he repeated the allegations of others, first saying he was “liberal” and later saying he was “naive.” Repeating labels is a no-no.

8. McCain came across as authentic. This elusive quality is difficult to manufacture, and a key reason Obama can’t compete on this score. McCain smartly pointed out how Obama became a born-again earmark and pork fighter -- after he started running for president.

9. Obama came across as slick trying to making himself sound more moderate than his record demonstrates. He says he doesn’t really want to spend $800 billion on new programs; he really isn’t the most liberal member of the Senate; he doesn’t really want to meet with dictators like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; and so on.

10. McCain demonstrated he doesn’t simply talk a good talk, but has walked the walk. He has been a longtime enemy of earmarks. And he has been a fighter who has crossed the partisan divide time and again. Obama simply has no such record.

11. McCain’s strength was foreign policy. It showed. Obama did seem “naïve.” McCain won the “don’t meet with rogue leaders without preconditions” argument. Obama’s answers sounded like he was flip-flopping on his original statement.

12. On Iran, again one of the most contentious issues, McCain won because his comments grasped the gravity of the crisis.

13. Where McCain lost was on the Iraq war and the surge. Yes, McCain has been right on the surge and Obama has been wrong. But McCain came across as heavily invested in the idea of the war (creating a democracy in Iraq) and unwilling to flexibly respond to reality. Make no mistake about it: this is an unpopular war that is costing us a trillion dollars so far. On CNN I watched the audience meter as McCain talked about the war and its “success.” The meter showed Independent voters clearly tracking in “negative” territory, clearly in line with Democrats.

In sum, McCain had the most to lose from this debate. Obama is known as the great public speaker.

McCain did more than hold his own.

And most importantly he demonstrated several things that will resonate with voters.

First, he is ready on day one to be Commander in Chief.

Second, he can be trusted. His word is good.

Third, he is one of us.

Biden Misleads With Accusation of Tax Increase

Joe Biden charged Thursday during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania that John McCain's tax proposals for health insurance would be "the largest tax increase in the history of America for the middle class." He was wrong.

McCain does propose taxing the health benefits that some 156 million people get through the workplace. That's a major change, because now no income taxes are levied on those benefits, but it's not the whole story.

So, as Biden explained, someone who makes $40,000 and gets $12,000 in health insurance benefits would end up paying income taxes on $52,000. But what Biden didn't say was that McCain also proposes to give the insured a new tax break in exchange _ a $2,500 tax credit for individuals and a $5,000 tax credit for families.

For most families, that tax credit would for several years be more generous than the current tax break for employer-sponsored health insurance. An analysis of McCain's plan by the Tax Policy Center estimated that McCain's plan would increase the federal deficit by $1.3 trillion over 10 years, mainly because it would lead to less tax revenue coming in. The same group says Obama's plan would increase the deficit by $1.6 trillion over the same period.

"McCain's plan seems to be a significant tax cut, at least in the short term," said Len Burman, who oversaw the analysis for the center, a joint venture of two liberal-leaning think tanks, the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute.

To take Biden's comparison one step further, consider his $40,000 family whose insurance cost $12,000. That family is in the 15 percent tax bracket. So, multiplying that additional $12,000 in income by 15 percent means that the family in Biden's example currently gets an $1,800 federal income-tax break. McCain's tax break for that family would be $5,000.

Burman's analysis stresses that McCain's tax credit becomes less valuable for most people as the years go by. That's because Burman assumes the tax credit would increase in value over the years at the rate of the consumer price index, which has historically risen much more slowly than health care costs. Meanwhile, the current tax break increases at the same rate as health insurance premiums grow.

By 2018, high-income households would be worse off under McCain's plan than they would have been under current law because the credit would be worth less than the current tax exclusion. But low- and middle-income workers would still see a rise in after-tax income, the center projected.

McCain's proposal would eventually turn into a tax increase for more than just the wealthy if premiums continue to outpace overall inflation, but when that would happen is unclear, and would certainly be many years down the road. The center did not estimate beyond 2018.

Style and Substance at Stake for Biden, Palin

WASHINGTON -- One talks too much. The other hasn't talked enough.

For voters, Thursday's vice presidential debate promises a transfixing match between the loquacious veteran Sen. Joe Biden and the still-underexposed Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

For the campaigns, the encounter in St. Louis represents a potential white-knuckle moment: The free-wheeling Biden vs. the tightly managed Palin in a test of knowledge, fluency and grace before millions of TV viewers.

Vice presidential candidates seldom decide elections; people vote for who's at the top of the ticket. But in a contest as close as this one between Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama, a misstep could set back either campaign in the final weeks before Election Day.

What's more, both Biden, the Democrat, and Palin, the Republican, have become Obama's and McCain's ambassadors to independent voters, but each with different tasks: Biden to reassure them about Obama, and Palin to reassure them about herself.

And while the stakes may not be as high as they were in Friday's presidential debate, the running mates face more land mines than Obama and McCain did.

Since Palin roused the Republican Party at its national convention this month, she has been undergoing a crash course in foreign policy. Her struggles with some answers in interviews have been lampooned on "Saturday Night Live."

"She just has to show some rational basis to policy positions, some knowledge basis," said Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., a former GOP presidential candidate and McCain supporter. "I don't think it is a high expectation level at all for her."

In short, Palin must aim for the kind of coherence that appeared to elude her last week when she tried to explain to CBS news anchor Katie Couric why being governor of Alaska gave her a certain understanding of Russia.

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska," she said. "It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state."

Still, Biden, who twice has run unsuccessfully for president, perhaps faces the greater challenge. He has years of foreign policy experience and an affinity for extemporaneous speech that can cause him trouble. And he already has strayed from campaign talking points and mangled history during his own interview with Couric.

Discussing why President Bush should explain why it is necessary to help the financial industry, Biden said: "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'" (Herbert Hoover was president when the market crashed in 1929 and radio, not television, was the medium of the day.)

Biden, however, can check his tongue. In an April 2007 debate, NBC news anchor Brian Williams, noting Biden's loose-tongued history, asked whether he could reassure voters "that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage."

Biden replied simply: "Yes."

But the pressure on Biden will be less on what he says than how he says it.

"He's in a no-win situation," said Sen. Claire McCaskill, D-Mo., an Obama backer. "If he stretches out his knowledge and expounds on all the things he knows, he runs the risk of being patronizing. If he is circumspect and is short-winded and deferential, he runs the risk of being patronizing. If he says everything he knows and is tough, he runs the risk of being a bully."

Palin and Biden will be questioned by Gwen Ifill, senior correspondent on PBS' "The NewsHour" and moderator of "Washington Week." Under the format, each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a question, followed by a two-minute discussion. That is tighter than Friday's presidential encounter, when the candidates had up to five minutes to mix it up. The shorter discussion period should favor Palin.

Both are likely to face questions about policy splits with partners.

For instance, Palin opposes embryonic stem cell research; McCain has supported such federal funding. Palin supports drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge; McCain opposes it.

Biden recently criticized an Obama campaign ad that questioned McCain's facility with computers. He also has appeared to give mixed messages on clean coal technology _ an advancement in energy that Obama supports. He even described vanquished Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton as being more qualified than he is to be vice president.

And, while a presidential candidate himself earlier this year, Biden said he didn't think Obama was ready to be president yet, saying the job doesn't "lend itself to on-the-job training."

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Sen. John McCain got personally involved in bailout yesterday. He bailed on the David Letterman show.

As you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map.

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to guns and religion.

To tell you how bad it’s gotten. Americans have now started working at Wal-Mart. Do you believe that?

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sarah Palin presented by residents of Wasilla, Alaska

10. Sometimes Sarah calls John McCain "grandpa" Interior Designer, May-Lynn Pauling

9. She stole that sexy librarian look from me Grasshopper Aviation Pilot, Dave Glenn

8. Recently passed legislation to build a bridge to Funkytown General Manager of a Mexican Restaurant, Jerry Ochoa

7. Does great impression of Tina Fey Banker and Race Car Driver, Erika Bills

6. Favorite meal: moose nuggets and beaver jerky Private Music Teacher, Ana Hartman

5. Working on "Knight Rider" spin-off about a talking snowmobile Virtual Golf-Shooting Range Owner, Calvin Culverwel

4. Favorite book? "Late Show Fun Facts" -- available at fine stores everywhere Flight Paramedic, Steven Heyano

3. Once spent a week in the hospital after attempting to put lipstick on a pit bull Dental Hygenist, Kathy McCone

2. To improve her foreign policy experience, she recently went to the International House of Pancakes Deputy Mayor and Chiropractor, Kris Larson

1. Only person I know who's not afraid to go hunting with Dick Cheney From the Wasilla Chamber of Commerce, Lyn Carden

David Letterman

Paris Hilton is our guest tonight... unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy.

A lot of people don’t know this, but Paris was actually McCain’s first choice for running mate.

McCain got out of last night’s show — I wasn’t so lucky.

John McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the bailout. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election.

Conan O'Brien

Because of the financial crisis, John McCain says he may not appear at the presidential debate on Friday, so Ralph Nader has offered to fill in for him. However, Nader is insisting that McCain work his shift at Kinko’s.

A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn’t care about Jews or black people. Palin insists that’s not true and says Alaska has one of each.

Craig Ferguson

Not such a great day for me. I have been accused of media bias and sexual harassment. I assure you I am innocent of the media bias . . . I can’t talk about the other one. I will see you in court, Fabio.

I’m not taking sides. After all, we only know what candidates tell us. Some people are idolizing Obama for his signs: Hope . . . or Change . . . How about Vague . . . or maybe just Obsession.

Be careful who you choose to deify. Whether it be Barack Obama or Clay Aiken.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 million bailout. Then it turned out they hadn’t. Think of Wall Street as a no-good brother in law who borrowed $500 from you and shows up with a new Jet Ski.

President Bush met with both Barack Obama and John McCain mostly to discuss the financial crisis, but he did take time to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn.

McCain showed up without Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of banking and financial experience — she lived right next to a bank.

Sarah Palin was in New York at the U.N. to meet world leaders. Previously, her world experience has been limited to visiting the Epcot Center in Orlando.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

John McCain wants to postpone Friday’s presidential debate. And, he has temporarily suspended his campaign . . . until he’s ahead in the polls.

Right after he announced that, Sarah Palin said, “That’s OK — I don’t really need him, anyway.”

Today, Barack Obama told Joe Biden to be less like Sarah Palin: “Stop talking to the press!”

Yesterday at the U.N., Mahmoud I’m-a-nutjob blamed the United States for the collapse of the global markets. Well, that just goes to show you . . . in a crisis, you really find out who your friends are.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions People Are Asking the John McCain Campaign

10. "I just contributed to your campaign — how do I get a refund?"

9. "It's Sarah Palin — does this mean I'm pars'dent?"

8. "Can't you solve this by selling some of your homes?"

7. "Hi, this is Clay Aiken. Is McCain single?"

6. "Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are strong, genius?"

5. "Are you doing all this just to get out of going on Letterman?"

4. "What would Matlock do?"

3. "Hillary here — my schedule is free Friday night"

2. "Is this just an excuse to catch up on napping?"

1. "This is President Bush — what's all this trouble with the economy?"

David Letterman

John McCain had to cancel an appearance on the show because he is suspending his campaign because the economy is exploding.

You know John McCain, the running mate of Sarah Palin?

Nobody told his vice presidential running mate Sarah Palin — she’s still circling the theatre in a white minivan.

After canceling, he rushed right back to Washington to deal with the crisis. And I thought, "Woah — he sure nipped that in the bud."

Conan O'Brien

John McCain says he wants to postpone Friday's debate. Not because of the economic crisis, but because TVLand is running a "Golden Girls" marathon.

Yesterday, President Bush gave a speech on the economic crisis. The title of Bush's speech: "Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem."

During his speech, Bush said, "We are in a once in a century crisis." He said we shouldn't worry though, because this once in a century crisis shouldn't happen again for 10-15 years.

Sarah Palin is in New York City this week. Her family took the ferry to the Statue of Liberty. When she saw the ferry, she said, "Can't we build a bridge to that thing?"

Craig Ferguson

John McCain has suspended his presidential campaign. He also wanted to cancel Friday’s debate with Barack Obama because of the financial crisis. Obama said, “Well, I’ll have the debate anyway. It will be easier without McCain there.”

He also canceled an interview with David Letterman, but then he did an interview with Katie Couric at the same time he was supposed to be on Letterman. He said that he was in a rush to get back to Washington, but apparently he had time for a game of softball with Katie before he left.

If you cross David Letterman, you cross me. If you cross me, you cross David Letterman. You may have to explain to Letterman who I am, but . . .

You can't just suspend a democratic process because we are facing problems. At what point do you then think that maybe you should suspend the election? People have done that before . . . Castro . . . Napolean . . .

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

John McCain is putting his campaign on hold to focus on the economy. He wants to postpone his debate with Barack Obama on Friday. Seems like the old “my grandmother died” before the exam excuse.

When you have 11 houses, you take a housing crisis very, very seriously.

McCain asked Obama to stop campaigning and stop campaign ads. Obama said no, but they have agreed to put out a joint statement. They just released it about an hour ago: It’s All Bush’s Fault!

Bush has an interesting way to fix the economy: a bake sale.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

More bad news today, from President Bush: Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back.

Barack Obama said today that the $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. He said that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fundraisers to come up with that kind of money.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group called “Blacks Against Obama.” Actually it was a pretty small group — just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Sarah Palin was in New York meeting foreign leaders at the U.N. Assembly. She was very impressed with all the landmarks in New York City. As she was driving over the Hudson River, she said, “Wow — your bridges actually go somewhere.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Fixing The Economy

10. Why fix it if it ain't broke?

9. Drill Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for loose change

8. Sell cupcakes in front of the White House

7. Flip all them charts upside down

6. Encourage Americans to spend more — If they don't, Cheney peppers them in the face

5. Most things seem better after half a bottle of Jim Beam

4. Let's just say the Lincoln Memorial is now the Tostitos Lincoln Memorial

3. Invent a car that runs on root beer

2. Put on a pair of glasses and shoot a moose

1. Is Hillary still available for a 3 a.m. phone call?

David Letterman

Earlier today, President Bush addressed the U.N. Assembly. Apparently, his father couldn’t get him out of it.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also addressed the Assembly. He was completely humorless. Devoid of humor. So they’ve asked him to host next year’s Emmys.

All these world leaders, while they are in New York City attending the General Assembly, are doing some shopping. The Japanese premier, for example, got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

Sarah Palin is also in town. She’s having a great time in New York City. Today, for instance, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Conan O'Brien

The first presidential debate is this Friday. Strategists say Barack Obama is going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. He’s going to do this by repeating the phrase, “Matlock is gay.”

Sarah Palin was at the United Nations today. She met with foreign leaders to show her foreign policy expertise. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds.

Yesterday, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged John McCain to a debate. McCain says that if he wanted to be attacked by extremists in a hostile environment he’d appear on MSNBC.

McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. When asked why, he said, “My wife’s family owns Budweiser. It would be good for business.”

Craig Ferguson

Clay Aiken announced in People magazine that he’s gay. He’s Clay; he’s gay; he’s here to stay.

Also in People magazine, John McCain announced he’s old, and Barack Obama announced he’s black.

Google is releasing a new phone. It’s called the G1. John McCain was very excited when he heard about it. When he heard G1, he said “Bingo!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Clay Aiken is on the cover of People magazine announcing that he’s gay. This on the heels of last week’s People shocking cover: Ruben Studdard announced he’s black.

First, “Sex & the City” comes out on DVD, now this.

President Bush made a farewell speech in front of the U.N. General assembly. I thought he spoke quite powerfully today, especially at the end of his speech when he said, “Could we borrow some money?”

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

They had the Emmys last night. There were more stars there than at a Barack Obama fundraiser.

The miniseries “John Adams” set an Emmy record last night — 13 wins. So a guy from the 1700s is still winning today. That’s good news for John McCain.

The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over.” Then, they asked for $700 billion.

Bill Clinton was on “The View” yesterday. It was a frustrating appearance for Clinton — it turns out the pretty one is a conservative.

David Letterman

During the Emmys last night, John McCain asked, “‘Gunsmoke’ win anything?”

Autumn arrived on schedule . . . at least there’s one thing Bush hasn’t screwed up.

John McCain was introducing Sarah Palin to world leaders at the U.N. Assembly yesterday. It was nice — it looked like “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.”

We’re learning more about John McCain — he has 13 cars. And he can’t remember where he parked any of them.

Conan O'Brien

The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?"

Yesterday at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. After hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying.

Cuba says Russia is going to help them develop a space program. And then they're going to help Cuba develop a radio.

Craig Ferguson

Last night’s Emmys were the lowest rated in history. More people watched the Minnie Me sex tape.

Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last night. It’s great to see that grizzled old timer still get the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too.

I had to present an award with Brooke Shields. As I am approaching the stage, I realize how much I hate the Emmys. Then I realize I hate me for being part of this!

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Last night were the Emmys on ABC. Best drama went to the Green Bay Packers, I think.

The big award was for the best actor in a presidential campaign. It went to John McCain. [Video of John McCain saying Sarah Palin is absolutely ready to be president.]

This is interesting: According to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars, and Barack and Michelle Obama only own one. The McCains have 13 — which, to be fair, is only one for each house.

The have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, 10 rascal scooters, and a hearse.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Financial expert say that we are entering a new chapter in the financial markets . . . yeah, Chapter 11.

To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border.

Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s plan, but nobody knows what it is yet.

Barack Obama held a fundraiser last week — $28,500 a plate. For that you got gourmet food and Barbra Streisand singing. At Ralph Nader’s fundraiser last week? Double Stuf Oreos and that guy who sang “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

Conan O'Brien

This week at the White House, President Bush hosted the final state dinner of his presidency. Which explains why the first lady finally let him wear his Burger King crown.

Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born that they’ve named a beer after him. So next time you’re in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall cold Barackelob Light.

The group Moveon.org has called on John McCain to release all his medical records. In response, McCain told them, “Why don’t you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself?”

Cuba announced that they’re going to team up with Russia to build a Cuban space program. The country’s current space program consists of Cubans trying to swim to the moon.

Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump called in to the “Larry King” show the other night. He said he was voting for John McCain. So what, I say.

I have no idea what that thing on his head is voting for.

The Emmys are Sunday. All the people on TV will spend the weekend getting facials, waxing, getting manicures, preparing their push-up bras . . . and the women go even further.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It’s the baseball playoffs. It isn’t easy being a Mets fan. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and this season is no exception. What we do is, we drink. We drink until we pass out.

Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10 Bill Gateses and 35 Oprahs still don’t add up to a trillion dollars.

How it’s going to be handed out is still unclear. All we know for sure is that it’s a trillion dollars, and it’s going to be hosted by Howie Mandel.

According to a new survey, more Americans would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50-47 percent. Mostly because McCain has to get up every 10 minutes to go to the bathroom.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

The stock market was up 400 points today, or as the Democrats call it — terrible news.

Barack Obama said again today that he wants to raise taxes on the rich — that’s provided by November anyone is still rich.

That seems to be the theme: In a speech today, Joe Biden said that paying higher taxes is patriotic. The Republican strategy on Joe Biden? Let him keep talking.

The Democratic-controlled Congress said they are going to adjourn for the rest of the year. They said regarding the financial crisis, no one knows what to do. Well, that’s a ringing endorsement to re-elect them — “You’re on your own! We’re leaving.”

Conan O'Brien

Due to the current crisis on Wall Street, President Bush announced just a few hours ago that he’s canceled a trip to Alabama. Bush said, “Under the circumstances, I didn’t think it was right to leave the country.”

This Sunday, the entire hour of “60 Minutes” will be devoted to Barack Obama and John McCain. Apparently, Barack Obama will be interviewed, and John McCain will fill in for Andy Rooney.

Earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Obama began his speech at the rodeo by saying, “Hello — I am what is known as a black guy.”

This week, someone hacked into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! account and read her e-mails. Reading Palin’s e-mails is a great way to hear what she has to say — without having to listen to her voice.

Craig Ferguson

The Dow’s going bananas . . . it’s going up one day, down the next — it’s like Sarah Palin’s hair.

Computer hackers broke into Sarah Palin’s e-mail. They posted her mail on the Internet. It’s disgraceful. I urge everyone not to read Gov. Palin’s emails — especially any drooling, adolescent love-letters from someone known as Craig from CBS.com.

Tough blow for Barack Obama. Yesterday, a key Democratic fundraiser switched sides. She said Obama was too elitist. She is none other than Lady Lynn Forest de Rothschild. She’s worth a gazillion dollars. That’s it Obama — you’ve lost the people’s vote.

She’s a lawyer as well. Is it wise to be hanging around Republicans after what Cheney did to his lawyer?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Finally some good news this week: The chairman of the Fed called for a do-over. We’re just going to start the week over.

The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others . . . at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it’s called socialism.

The president briefly came out of hiding today to say that he shares the public’s concerns.

A hacker hacked into Sarah Palin’s e-mail by breaking her password, which turned out to be Bible, hockey, lipstick, gun.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon.

President Bush has a plan to get us out the financial crisis: In January, he leaves office.

Last night, Barack Obama held a fundraiser. It was $28,500 a plate — $28,500! To be fair, it did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet.

I had a great dinner last night: I put on a Barbra Streisand CD, and ordered Dominos. I saved $28,488.

Conan O'Brien

This week, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! e-mail account, because she hadn’t taken the proper security measures. So it’s official — no one in the Palin family uses protection.

Barack Obama attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. This was historic because it’s the most money raised in one night and because it was the first time a black man ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert.

John McCain’s wife is angry. Cindy lashed out at the ladies of “The View” after the McCains appeared on the show. In response, Barbara Walters said, “She’s just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.”

Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical “The Lion King.” There was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader.

Craig Ferguson

The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He’s not stalling, though. It’s just going to take a long time to print them out.

He and Obama are tied. The polls are saying today that they each have 56 percent. Is it me? I think people are thinking it’s like “American Idol” — you can vote as many times as you like.

Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin. She just talks about John McCain. Which is not surprising — she’s very good at ignoring the other women.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The stock market crashed again today. This has been one of the worst financial weeks in American history. I was lucky — two weeks ago, I took all my money out of Lehman Brothers and invested it into the Jonas Brothers.

As happens in times of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor Flav’s mouth doubled.

It’s a bear market — and Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

The stock market crashed yesterday, though analysts are calling it a correction. Once again, I don’t think President Bush gets it. Today, he was asked if customers should be concerned about all these bank closings. He said it doesn’t matter — if the bank is closed, just use the ATM.

The election is getting near. I don’t think Sarah Palin knows anything about the economy either. She was asked today what people should do in a bear market. She said, “Well, you should shoot it and skin it.”

In an interview with Charles Gibson, Palin didn’t know what the Bush Doctrine was. To be fair, a month ago she didn’t know who John McCain was either.

In her blog, Lindsay Lohan is speaking out against Sarah Palin, though most people are reserving judgment until they hear from Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points President Bush said, "Adjustments in the financial markets can be painful." Then he told the American people to bend over.

An adviser to John McCain claimed today that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. Or as McCain calls it, "The fancy garage-door opener."

Speaking of BlackBerrys — according to a new poll, the BlackBerry is so addictive that 87 percent of users bring their BlackBerrys to their bedrooms. And you know what they say ladies, once you go BlackBerry . . ."

Barack Obama’s campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. After hearing this, John McCain said, "And he says I’m out of touch with the American people."

Craig Ferguson

President Bush is back from the hospital. He had a growth removed from his head. It wasn’t a health issue — the growth just wanted to distance itself from him.

One of McCain’s advisers implied that John McCain helped invent the BlackBerry. He should have gone with something more believable like he helped invent fire or something.

Barack Obama had a big night — Barbra Streisand threw a big fundraiser for the Democrats. The dinner cost $28 grand a plate. For an extra grand you were allowed to leave before she started singing.

Nothing says I’m a man of the people like a star-studded dinner at a Beverly Hills hotel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The OJ Simpson trial started yesterday. It was exciting for me, because I was worried that my kids would not get to experience their own OJ trial.

This time he’s being charged with kidnapping and robbery involving some guys who tried to sell some memorabilia he owned. I think it was his collection of Battlestar Galactica figurines.

This will distract us from the terrible news that we will all be jobless and homeless very soon. The Dow fell 504 points yesterday . . . I have no idea what that means, but apparently it’s really bad.

On Wall Street, they’re calling it Black Monday, but John McCain was quick to point out that it’s Black Monday — not “old white” Monday.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Today, when he heard Lehman Brothers was going bankrupt, President Bush said, “Now where am I going to get discount suits?”

John McCain was watching the Sarah Palin interview with Charlie Gibson the other night, and he turned to his wife and said, “She looks really familiar.”

A lot of people thought Gibson was talking down to her. Like when he asked her about the Bush Doctrine. Well, a lot people don’t what it is. But many know it by its other name — “Murphy’s Law.”

August was a big fundraising month for the candidates: Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August — $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice.

Conan O'Brien

More facts surfacing about Sarah Palin’s background every day. Sarah Palin’s father says that they shoot 90 percent of the meat their family eats. The other 10 percent they hit with their pick-up truck.

The other day John McCain appeared on the show "The View," and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. She may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, "Ladies, you look beautiful.”

Republican strategist Karl Rove recently said that John McCain’s attack ads go too far and aren’t truthful. Then Rove said, "I’ve never been so proud.”

On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Nader said, "This is disappointing; I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states.”

Craig Ferguson

This week, Karl Rove said that John McCain’s attack ads on Barack Obama have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you’ve gone too far . . . that’s like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink.

It’s like Keith Richards telling Amy Winehouse to ease up on the drugs . . .

Did you see the Sarah Palin interview? The state trooper from Alaska says that Palin is lying in the interview. She lied on national television . . . I’d say someone is ready for the White House!

John McCain was on “The View.” He just took a real beating on “The View” . . . the yelling, the swearing, the sweating, the fist shaking . . . and that was just him trying to get up off his chair.

Media Tougher On Palin

Mark Penn, a top strategist to both Clintons, told CBSNews.com in answer to whether he thinks the media is being uniquely tough on Gov. Sarah Palin: "I think that the media is doing the kinds of stories on Palin that they're not doing on the other candidates."

Penn added, "And that's going to subject them to people concluding that they're giving her a tougher time. Now, the media defense would be, 'Yeah, we looked at these other candidates who have been in public life at an earlier time.'

"What happened here very clearly is that the controversy over Palin led to 37 million Americans tuning into a vice-presidential speech, something that is unprecedented, because they wanted to see for themselves. This is an election in which the voters are going to decide for themselves. The media has lost credibility with them."

As to what the strategist thinks about the extent of Palin's appeal to a lot of swing voters, Penn noted: "I think, at the end of the day, people do vote for the top of the ticket. The question is whether or not Palin has given people a better view of the top of the ticket and more and more confidence in terms of what he would fight for.

"I think she clearly has energized the Republican Party in a way that they were not energized and that party members were very worried that McCain was going to choose somebody who wouldn't have the more conservative values that the mainstream of the Republican Party has. Whether or not she's really going to play or is playing a big role with swing voters, that remains to be seen. I think that's a lot less clear."

Palin Says Obama Regrets Bypassing Clinton

NEW YORK -- Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin said Friday she thinks Barack Obama regrets not making Hillary Rodham Clinton his running mate.

Palin praised Clinton's "determination, and grit and even grace" during the Democratic primaries, sounding an altogether different note than when she suggested earlier this year that the New York senator was whining about negative press coverage and campaigning in a way that was not advancing the cause of women in politics.

"I think he's regretting not picking her now," Palin told ABC News.

Her comment brought a sharp rejoinder from Democratic Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, on behalf of the Obama campaign: "Sarah Palin should spare us the phony sentiment and respect. Governor Palin accused Senator Clinton of whining."

Palin, in the second part of her first major interview since she joined the GOP ticket, also defended the nearly $200 million in federal pet projects she sought as Alaska governor this year even as John McCain told a television audience she had never requested them.

Palin was confronted in the interview with two claims that have been a staple of her reputation since joining McCain: that she was opposed to federal earmarks, even though her request for such special spending projects for 2009 was the highest per capita figure in the nation; and that she opposed the $398 million Bridge to Nowhere linking Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport.

Palin actually turned against the bridge project only after it became a national symbol of wasteful spending and Congress had pulled money for it.

Palin told ABC's Charles Gibson that since she took office, the state had "drastically" reduced its efforts to secure earmarks and would continue to do so while she was governor.

"What I've been telling Alaskans for these years that I've been in office, is, no more," Palin said.

When Gibson noted she had requested money to study the mating habits of crabs and harbor-seal genetic research _ the kind of small-bore projects that draw McCain's ire -- Palin said the specific requests had come through universities and other public entities and weren't worked out by lobbyists behind closed doors.

On the Bridge to Nowhere, Palin said she had supported a link from the mainland to the airport but not necessarily the costly bridge project.

"We killed the Bridge to Nowhere," Palin said flatly, despite evidence she had supported the project in its early stages.

On social issues, Palin reiterated her opposition to abortion rights _ parting with McCain, who supports legal abortion in cases of rape or incest. Palin would not allow those exceptions. She also said she opposes embryonic stem cell research, which McCain supports.

Palin refused to say whether she believed homosexuality was an orientation or a choice. "I'm not one to judge," Palin said.

Palin's comments came after McCain sat for a feisty grilling on ABC's "The View," where he claimed erroneously that his running mate hadn't sought money for federal pet projects.

"Not as governor she didn't," McCain said, ignoring the record.

Palin's entry in the race has drawn support from many white women, and the McCain campaign hopes in particular that she can pull Clinton's supporters away from Obama. It was in that spirit that she heaped praise on Obama's defeated rival in the face of her earlier criticisms.

"What determination, and grit, and even grace through some tough shots that were fired her way _ she handled those well," Palin said.

In March, Palin was asked about coverage of Clinton at a Newsweek forum, and said: "Fair or unfair, I think she does herself a disservice to even mention it, really. I mean, you gotta plow through that. You have to know what you're getting into ... when I hear a statement like that coming from a woman candidate with any kind of perceived whine about that excess criticism, or you know maybe a sharper microscope put on her, I think, 'That doesn't do us any good _ women in politics."

Delaware Sen. Joe Biden, the man Obama picked for his ticket, defended Clinton this week when a voter told him it was best that he was chosen over the New York senator. Biden said Clinton "might've been a better pick than me."

In Alaska, meanwhile, the investigator looking into whether Palin abused her power as governor in trying to fire her former brother-in-law asked state lawmakers for the power to subpoena Palin's husband, Todd, a dozen others and the phone records of a top aide. The state House and Senate judiciary committees were expected to grant the request.

Palin told ABC she welcomed the investigation. "There's nothing to hide in this," she said.

Palin was in Alaska on Friday and scheduled to attend a campaign rally in Nevada on Saturday while McCain took the day off, a reflection of her growing status as the GOP ticket's celebrity draw.

On "The View," McCain said that Palin had "ignited a spark" among voters but acknowledged they parted ways on certain issues. The Arizona has said human behavior is largely responsible for climate change and opposes drilling for oil in a federally protected refuge, for example.

McCain appeared to back off a bit from his claim that Palin was the best vice presidential pick in U.S. history when he joked, "We politicians are never given to exaggeration or hyperbole."

The GOP hopeful also stood by two debunked campaign commercials _ one which said Obama favored comprehensive sex education for kindergarten students and another that suggested Obama had called Palin a pig. Both are factually inaccurate.

Obama, as an Illinois state senator, voted for legislation that would teach age-appropriate sex education to kindergartners, including information on rejecting advances by sexual predators. And while Obama told a campaign rally this week that McCain's policies were like "putting lipstick on a pig," he never used the phrase in connection with Palin.

"Those ads aren't true. They're lies," said "View" co-host Joy Behar.

"They're not lies," McCain said, insisting that Obama "chooses his words very carefully" and should never had made the lipstick remark.

GOP Soars Over Democrats

The Democrats’ lead over Republicans in this fall’s congressional races has dwindled and they are now in a statistical dead heat with Republicans, a new USA Today/Gallup Poll reveals.

The poll, conducted after the close of the Republican convention, did not indicate specific candidates but instead asked registered voters if they would support a Democrat or Republican. The Democrats were cited by 48 percent of respondents, and Republicans by 45 percent — within the 3 percent margin of error.

Significantly, Republicans actually lead among likely voters by a margin of 50 percent to 45 percent, Gallup found.

That measure favored Democrats by a 51 percent to 42 percent margin just before the Democratic convention in late August, The Hill newspaper observed.

A new CNN/Opinion Research poll also showed Democrats leading by only 3 points, 49 percent to 46 percent.

Republicans say the new polls indicate that predictions of Democratic gains in November’s House and Senate races might be premature.

“The new USA Today/Gallup measurement of generic ballot preferences for Congress casts some doubt on the previously assumed inevitability of the Democrats' maintaining control of Congress,” said a spokeswoman for the National Republican Senatorial Committee, Rebecca Fisher.

Democrats have already expressed concern that Barack Obama’s faltering presidential campaign could hurt their re-election chances.

The latest Fox News poll showed McCain leading Obama by a margin of 45 percent to 42 percent.

One Democratic fundraiser told the Financial Times: “There is a growing sense of doom among Democrats I have spoken to.”

Biden's Son Quits Lobbying Work

WASHINGTON -- Democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden's son Hunter has stopped working as a federal lobbyist, work that had made him a Republican target in the presidential contest.

"I no longer expect to act as a federal lobbyist," Hunter Biden said in a letter to the Clerk of the House and the Senate Office of Public Records. The letter is dated Aug. 25 and was made public Friday.

Presidential candidate Barack Obama, who chose Biden as his running mate last month, has been a vocal critic of rival John McCain's ties to lobbyists. In a television ad Friday, Obama repeated criticisms of McCain for having current and former prominent lobbyists on his campaign staff.

Obama has refused to accept contributions from federal lobbyists, though some have advised his campaign.

Hunter Biden and his lobbying firm, Oldaker, Biden & Belair, have represented colleges and hospitals, mainly in an effort to secure money for them in appropriation bills. In June, however, Biden also signed on as a lobbyist for a law firm that represents a billionaire couple who run an Internet gambling business. The lobbying documents on file with the Senate Public Records Office show that Biden intended to lobby on the "legality of internet gaming" and the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act, which Congress passed in 2006.

The law firm, Sharp & Barnes, represents Russell DeLeon and his wife Ruth Parasol, according to lobbying records. The couple was listed as having a net worth of $1.8 billion in 2006 and made the Forbes top billionaire's list. They dropped out of the list the following year. Forbes reported that a congressional crackdown on online gaming caused their company stock to fall 75 percent.

Biden's letter ending his lobbying work was first reported Friday by The Wall Street Journal's Washington Wire.

Palin Switches Roles to Send a Son to Iraq

FORT WAINWRIGHT, Alaska -- Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin switched roles Thursday, shifting from Republican candidate for vice president to an anxious mom sending her son off to war in Iraq.

Her eldest son, Pfc. Track Palin, is being deployed with 4,000 soldiers of the Stryker Brigade Combat Team of the 25th Infantry Division. The 19-year-old will provide security for his brigade's top officers, an assignment that is expected to take the unit to Diyala, the fourth most violent of Iraq's provinces.

At a deployment ceremony on the seventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks, she spoke in her capacity as governor and not as a political candidate. She had been invited to speak long before GOP presidential candidate John McCain chose her as his running mate.

"We're going to miss you," she said at Fort Wainwright, a large Army installation near Fairbanks. "We can't help it. We're going to miss you."

"With our prayers and with great pride, we are sending off these brave men and women," she said.

Track Palin operates armored vehicles called Strykers, eight-wheeled trucks that weigh 19 tons.

Sarah Palin's talk to the troops was a trick question for Pentagon officials, who prohibit politicians from campaigning on military bases. They decided she could speak as Alaska's governor but that her remarks could not be political or related to the campaign.

However, her message to the troops included echoes of the McCain-Palin campaign.

She praised the troops for their desire to serve "something greater than self."

"You could have chosen an easier, more comfortable path," she said. "Instead, you chose service."

Earlier in the day, Palin gave her first extended television interview since being named to the Republican ticket.

A figure of intense national interest, the 44-year-old mother of five has been limited to stages and stump speeches, with little spontaneous interaction with voters -- a star on camera who has been sheltered from questioning.

In the interview with Charles Gibson of ABC News, Palin said she "didn't hesitate" when McCain asked her to be his running mate, a surprise selection that shook up the presidential race.

Palin speaks often on the campaign trail about her son's deployment -- his unit is scheduled to be in Iraq for a year -- and she uses it as an opportunity to promote McCain as a strong commander in chief.

Her Democratic counterpart, Joe Biden, also has a son going to Iraq, which he rarely mentions. McCain's son, Jimmy, a Marine, returned this year from the war.

Last September, then-Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson wrote Palin to congratulate her on her son's enlistment. The Associated Press obtained a copy of the correspondence under a Freedom of Information Act request.

"His enlisting on Patriots Day must make you proud of his devotion to our great country. Track truly is a role model for his generation," Nicholson wrote.

Sarah Palin returned home Wednesday, her first visit since McCain announced her selection on Aug. 29, and received a warm welcome from a crowd of more than 2,000. It was her first stop without McCain.

She's expected to rejoin him next week and spend much of the fall campaign at his side, even as Biden campaigns independently of Obama. Palin has proved a powerful draw at McCain's rallies, and keeping them together limits media access to her.

S.C. Dem Chief Apologizes for Palin-Abortion Dig

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- South Carolina's Democratic Party chairwoman has apologized for saying Wednesday that Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin's top qualification seems to be not having had an abortion.

In an interview posted on the political Web site Politico, Chairwoman Carol Fowler said Republican John McCain picked a running mate "whose primary qualification seems to be that she hasn't had an abortion."

Fowler later apologized, saying she made the statement during an interview about single-issue voters.

"I personally admire and respect the difficult choices that women make everyday, and I apologize to anyone who finds my comment offensive," Fowler said in a statement.

"I clumsily was making a point about people in South Carolina who may vote based on a single issue. Whether it's the environment, the economy, the war or a woman's right to choose, there are people who will cast their vote based on a single issue," she continued. "That was the only point I was attempting to make."

Palin opposes abortion, including in cases of rape or incest, and has lived out her convictions by bearing son Trig in April, knowing he had Down syndrome.

A top McCain surrogate, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, said it was an outrage to dismiss Palin's record and life with that kind of remark.

"I think it has more to do with the fact our Democratic colleagues and opponents are in a meltdown mode over Gov. Palin," Graham said. Palin "has, I think, thrown our opponents for a loop in terms of how they engage the McCain-Palin ticket."

Graham said there would be a "firestorm of monumental proportion" if a Republican had said the same thing about a female Democrat running for vice president, and called on Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama to repudiate Fowler's remark.

"If he doesn't speak to this and condemn this statement, it will speak volumes about where we're at on the Democratic side," Graham said.

Fowler also told Politico she believes putting Palin, a mother of five who opposes abortion, on the ticket would not boost McCain's standing among Democratic women or many independent women. She dismissed polls showing more white women supporting McCain after he chose Palin, saying they were likely Republican women anyway.

'Lipstick' Put to Use in Campaign

LEBANON, Va. — Lipstick has more than one use in the presidential campaign. To Sarah Palin, it's part of a joke. To Barack Obama and John McCain, it's part of a gibe suggesting an old policy revisited.

Palin referred to lipstick as she accepted the Republican nomination for vice president, saying that it's the only thing that separates a hockey mom like her from a pit bull.

Obama, the Democratic presidential nominee, brought up lipstick on Tuesday in comparing the policies of McCain, his Republican rival for the White House, to those of President Bush.

"You can put lipstick on a pig," Obama said during a campaign stop. "It's still a pig. You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It's still going to stink after eight years."

McCain's campaign accused Obama of "smearing" Palin in "offensive and disgraceful" comments and demanded an apology — though McCain himself once used the folksy metaphor to describe Hillary Rodham Clinton's health care plan.

Obama's campaign responded by saying that Obama wasn't referring to Palin and accusing the GOP camp of engaging in a "pathetic attempt to play the gender card."

In his speech Tuesday, Obama followed up the comments by saying that Palin's is an interesting story, drawing boos at the mention of her name and trying to cut them off.

"Look, she's new, she hasn't been on the scene, she's got five kids. And my hat goes off to anybody who's looking after five. I've got two and they tire Michelle and me out," he said.

A questioner asked Obama to join Republicans and agree that candidates' families and religion are off limits. Palin's pregnant unmarried teenage daughter and the teachings of her church, the nondenominational Wasilla Bible Church, have been the subject of scrutiny since McCain picked her as his running mate.

Obama responded that he already has said families are off limits and he's very protective of his daughters, 10-year-old Malia and 7-year-old Sasha. He said he doesn't want their inevitable future mistakes to become newspaper fodder if he gets to the White House.

Obama also is no stranger to attacks on his religion. He's been the subject of a false rumor campaign saying he's a Muslim, and the racially tinged sermons of his longtime former preacher caused problems for his campaign earlier this year.

He stressed that he's a Christian and "so the fact that Gov. Palin is deeply religious, that's a good thing." He said poking around in her religion or saying it's wrong is "offensive" and he wants to have a debate about the issues.

"But don't give people some sort of religious litmus test because I don't want somebody to question my faith and I'm certainly not going to question somebody else's," he said.

McCain-Palin Becoming Palin-McCain?

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. -- The banners, buttons and signs say McCain-Palin, but the crowds say something else.

"Sa-rah! Pa-lin!" came the chant at a Colorado Springs rally on Saturday moments before Republican nominee John McCain took the stage with Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, a woman who was virtually unknown to the nation just a week earlier. The day before, thousands screamed "Sa-rah! Sa-rah! Sa-rah!" at an amphitheater outside Detroit.

"Real change with a real woman," read one sign at a Wisconsin rally. "Hurricane Sarah leaves liberals spinning," cried another.

In the short time since McCain spirited the 44-year-old first-term governor out of Alaska and onto a national stage as his running mate, Palin has become an instant celebrity. And since her speech at the Republican National Convention, watched by more than 40 million Americans, she is emerging as the main attraction for many voters at their campaign appearances.

"She's the draw for a lot of people," said Marilyn Ryman, who came to see her at the Colorado rally inside an airport hangar. "The fact that she's someone new, not the old everything we've seen before."

McCain has sought to portray Palin as a bulldog who will help him "shake things up" on Capitol Hill.

Washington, he said Saturday, is "going to get to know her, but I can't guarantee you they'll love her."

"We do!" came a cry from the crowd.

Perhaps recognizing the excitement she is generating, the McCain campaign was planning to keep Palin with McCain for several more days, rather than dispatch her to campaign by herself, as had initially been discussed.

On Saturday, McCain and Palin rode their post-convention wave into the competitive West, where Democrats have made recent gains in traditional Republican strongholds.

After a day of talking up economic themes in the Midwest, the pair attracted thousands at a rally in Colorado Springs, a city at the foot of Pike's Peak that is home to many conservatives and military families. They were to head later to New Mexico.

It was McCain's first appearance in Colorado since the Democrats had their convention in Denver last month.

Both campaigns consider the battleground state in play with the election less than two months away.

"Colorado, it's going to be a hard-fought battle here," Palin said. As soon as she began speaking, a group of supporters interrupted her with a cheer of "Sa-rah! Sa-rah!"

Palin is even getting the star treatment from celebrity magazines, Web sites and television programs, which have played up her personal story as a mother of five children, one of whom is 17 years old, unmarried and pregnant.

The excitement with which people are turning out to see Palin could complicate a key line of attack that the McCain campaign has been building against Democrat Barack Obama for months.

Republicans have sought to cast Obama's support as nothing more than shallow adoration and hype befitting a movie star. They have mocked his appeal among Hollywood types and compared his star status to that of lightweights like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. They say there is nothing of substance to back up the candidacy of the Illinois senator.

Palin herself asked in her convention speech what happens "when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot _ what exactly is our opponent's plan?"

Obama has been careful in his comments about her, saying Saturday that she has flip-flopped on spending earmarks, but also calling her a "skillful politician."

Voters interviewed at rallies said their support for McCain has been cemented with his pick of Palin, who is a social conservative and reassures many who were wary about McCain on those issues.

Patricia Hoskins said she was already backing McCain but that Palin "really lit the fire under me."

And in the brief time that McCain and Palin have been campaigning since she introduced herself to the nation, many women at their events have said they identify with her personal struggles.

"She's every mom," said Lindsey Denny, a mother of 7, including a set of quintuplets, two of whom have special needs like Palin's infant son with Down syndrome. Denny said Palin's inclusion on the ticket was "110 percent" the reason why she went to see her Saturday.

McCain Speech Draws Bigger Audience Than Obama

Republican presidential candidate John McCain beat Democratic rival Barack Obama in the crucial battle to attract U.S. television viewers during their race to the White House, according to figures released on Friday.

Nielsen Media Research said a record 38.9 million TV viewers watched McCain accept the Republican nomination on Thursday, slightly more than the 38.3 million people who tuned in for Obama's speech last week.

McCain's tally was believed to be the biggest commercial TV audience every for a single night of a U.S. political convention, Nielsen said.

The Republican convention in St. Paul also attracted more average viewers overall than the Democratic Party convention in Denver last week.

McCain, 72, trails Obama only slightly in most national opinion polls as they head into the November 4 presidential election that will make history either by putting the first African-American into the White House, or choosing the first female vice president.

Nielsen said an average 34.4 million people watched the Republican convention over its main three days. The convention was scaled back on it's opening day as Hurricane Gustav made landfall on the U.S. Gulf Coast.

An average 30.2 million viewers tuned in to the four-day Democratic Convention in Denver, Nielsen said.

McCain had the daunting task of following his surprise pick for running mate -- little known Alaska governor Sarah Palin -- who had fired up the convention a day earlier with a feisty speech hitting back at critics who questioned her credentials for the job.

Some observers had worried that Palin might upstage McCain, whose reception inside the convention center in St. Paul was more muted than the cheers for the self-described "hockey mom" and mother of five.

Palin's national prime-time TV debut on Wednesday was watched on television by 37.2 million Americans.

McCain touted his credentials as a reformer and portrayed himself as the real agent of change in the race against Obama as he accepted his party's presidential nomination in an arena filled with supporters waving blue "Country First" signs.

"I don't work for a party. I don't work for a special interest. I don't work for myself. I work for you," McCain said in a speech that included only passing criticisms of Obama after a convention marked by scathing attacks on the Democrat.

Eight U.S. TV networks carried McCain's speech live during prime time.

With the conventions and the selections of running mates out of the way, the next big milestone in nationwide audience terms is the first of three presidential debates, on September 26 in Oxford, Mississippi.

By comparison, 34.9 million U.S. television viewers watched the opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics in August and talent show "American Idol", the most watched TV show in the nation, averaged 28.1 million viewers last season.

GOP Congressman Calls Obamas 'Uppity'

A Republican congressman from Georgia who referred to Barack and Michelle Obama as "uppity" says he wasn't aware of the term's racial overtones and did not intend to insult anyone.

Speaking to reporters Thursday, Rep. Lynn Westmoreland of Grantville, Ga., described the Obamas as members of an "elitist-class ... that thinks that they're uppity," according to The Hill, a Capitol Hill newspaper.

Asked if he intended to use the word, he said, "Yeah, uppity."

In a statement Friday, Westmoreland _ who was born in 1950 and raised in the segregated South _ said he didn't know that "uppity" was commonly used as a derogatory term for blacks seeking equal treatment. Instead, he referred to the dictionary definition of the word as describing someone who is haughty, snobbish or has inflated self-esteem.

"He stands by that characterization and thinks it accurately describes the Democratic nominee," said Brian Robinson, Westmoreland's spokesman. "He was unaware that the word had racial overtones, and he had absolutely no intention of using a word that can be considered offensive."

The Obama campaign had no immediate response.

Westmoreland is one of the most conservative members of Congress. He has drawn criticism from civil rights advocates on a number of issues, including last year when he led opposition to renewing the 1965 Voting Rights Act. He also was one of two House members last year who opposed giving the Justice Department more money to crack unsolved civil rights killings.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Barack Obama got beat by a girl last night. What happened?

Sarah Palin mocked Obama for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin made those comments in front of adoring crowds and in front of stage backdrop.

She had everyone mesmerized. Even Sen. Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat.

Even Bill Clinton said, “When Hillary attacks Obama, it’s wrong. But when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot . . .”

David Letterman

I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9.

She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty for not flossing.

She looks like the mom in a Tide commercial.

The people of Alaska are rugged individualists. Gov. Palin has some wild ideas. She wants to change the U.S. currency from dollars to pelts.

Conan O'Brien

During Sarah Palin’s speech last night, she spoke proudly about being a hockey mom. It’s unknown what positions her kids play, but one of them isn’t very good at protecting the crease.

Sarah Palin’s husband was at the Republican Convention. At one point, Palin said her husband’s parents were Eskimos. Then John McCain, during his speech, said his parents were Vikings.

It was reported that Sarah Palin’s speech was actually written by President Bush's speech writers. Which explains the title of the speech — “I Like Trucks.”

While addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin criticized Barack Obama for not having enough “specifics.” Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why.

Craig Ferguson

Los Angeles is 227 years old today. It looks so young . . . I think it’s had some work done.

The conventions are finally over. John McCain gave his acceptance speech. I like that he didn’t poop himself until right at the very end of his speech.

That’s how you can tell the mark of a true politician. They never admit to incontinence on the podium.

I’m tired of all the conventions . . . the Democrats last week . . . the Republicans this week . . . the male strippers next week . . .

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Republican Convention has finally drawn to a close. John McCain made his acceptance speech completely drunk, by the way.

In case you have a TiVo, I won’t reveal whether or not he accepted the nomination.

There was a lot of applause when they announced his name, which confused him. He thought they were trying to turn the lights off using The Clapper.

One of the big themes for convetion speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess.

Palin Mocks Obama

ST. PAUL, Minn. -- Claiming her historic place on the Republican ticket, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin mocked Barack Obama's experience and promise of change Wednesday night and pledged to help John McCain upend the Washington establishment.

"In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers," she said in a barbed reference to Obama's campaign theme. "And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change," she added in remarks prepared for her prime time address to the Republican National Convention.

In a second unmistakable jab at McCain's White House opponent, Palin traced her career as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, to governor of her state, adding: "I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a `community organizer,' except that you have actual responsibilities."

As a young man, Obama did a stint as a community organizer.

The Alaska governor had top billing at the convention on a night delegates also lined up for a noisy roll call of the states to deliver their presidential nomination to McCain.

Palin, 44, also jabbed at the news media, which have raised convention week questions about her background and her family, including her 17-year-old unmarried, pregnant daughter. "Here's little news flash for all those reporters and commentators: I'm not going to Washington to seek their good opinion _ I'm going to Washington to serve the people of this country."

McCain arrived in the Republican National Convention city earlier in the day to accept the prize of a political lifetime. Instantly, defended his choice of a running mate, saying she was ready to serve as commander in chief after less than two years as governor of Alaska.

"Oh, absolutely," he said in an ABC interview.

"Having been the governor of our largest state, the commander of their National Guard, she was once in charge of their natural resources assets actually, until she found out there was corruption and she quit. ..."

McCain bounded down the steps of his chartered campaign jet at midday into the arms of his extended personal and political family. His wife Cindy was first in line, then their children, then Palin.

McCain hugged his running mate and greeted her husband Todd, known as the "First Dude" of Alaska. Then, cameras recording each gesture, the Arizona senator lingered when he reached the couple that has been the focus of so much convention-week attention, 17-year-old Bristol Palin and the father of her child, Levi Johnston, 18.

McCain's remarks dovetailed with an effort by his campaign to depict Palin's critics as out to destroy the 44-year-old governor, the first female running mate in party history.

The presidential nomination his after a decade of struggle, the 72-year-old McCain swung the spotlight Palin's way on the convention's third night.

While she readied the speech of her career, McCain's top strategist, Steve Schmidt, complained about a "faux media scandal," generated, he said, by "the old boys' network that has come to dominate the news establishment."

Equally insistent, former Massachusetts Gov. Jane Swift said, "Just like me, we can assume Gov. Palin loves her children, and we can just leave it at that." It was a reference to the vice presidential running mate's daughter, unmarried and pregnant.

Thrust into the national spotlight less than a week ago, the 44-year-old Alaska governor made a brief visit to the Xcel Center to prep for her prime time address to delegates _ already on her side _ and a prime time TV audience counted in the millions.

Little is known nationally of her views, although a video surfaced during the day of a speech she made at her church in June in which she said U.S. troops had been sent to Iraq "on a task that is from God."

In his interview with ABC, McCain said of Palin, "I mean, this person is going to come to Washington and, I'm telling you, the `old boys' network,' they better look out because change is coming."

He took another slap at Democratic rival Obama, saying Americans don't want "somebody who has _ who is, frankly, necessarily gone to Harvard or an Ivy League school. She probably hasn't been to a Georgetown cocktail party," he added.

McCain 's campaign gave speaking turns to three of his former rivals in the primaries of last winter and spring, and they used the opportunity to praise him and warn of the consequences of a defeat.

"Maybe the most dangerous threat of an Obama presidency is that he would continue to give madmen the benefit of the doubt," former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said in remarks released in advance.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney accused Obama of ducking several questions at a recent joint appearance with McCain, who he said "hit the nail on the head: radical Islam is evil, and he will defeat it.

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani added that Palin "has more executive experience than the entire Democratic ticket," which includes Obama and Delaware Sen. Joseph Biden, a veteran of more than three decades in the Senate.

Not everyone was quite on message, though.

"I think that Gov. Palin and Sen. Obama do not have extensive experience in government," Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania told reporters. He said she has potential, and judged Obama a "political phenomenon, no doubt about it."

Whatever Palin's impact on the race, McCain's story was among the most arresting in recent presidential politics.

The son and grandson of admirals, he had a rebellious youth by his own account, running up a healthy ledger of demerits at the Naval Academy. Shot down over Vietnam, he was held and tortured for more than five years before his release. Along the way, he turned down an offer of early freedom from captors eager for a propaganda boost.

Elected to Congress in 1982, he moved to the Senate in 1986 as a Reagan Republican. Soon singed by the "Keating Five" scandal, involving the savings and loan industry, he shifted course.

He began carving out a maverick's role, championing legislation to reduce the influence of money in politics and fighting wasteful government spending.

Increasingly over the years, he parted company with fellow Republicans on issues as diverse as tobacco, health care, immigration, judicial nominees, a commission to investigate the Sept. 11 terror attacks, the use of torture in interrogations and more.

He first ran for president in 2000, but lost the GOP nomination to George Bush in a bitter struggle.

As the early front-runner eight years later, he watched helplessly as anger with the Iraq war drained him of the support of independents while conservatives deserted because of legislation giving illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship.

Out of money _ but not hope _ he pared back his campaign and persevered. When Huckabee defeated Romney in the leadoff Iowa caucuses, it opened the door for McCain to win the New Hampshire primary five days later.

He did, and despite a chronic shortage of funds, methodically dispatched his rivals, one by one, before clinching the nomination with a series of big-state Super Tuesday wins on Feb. 5.

Never a favorite of conservatives, he worked slowly to draw them to his side, and his selection of Palin was a surprising stroke.

Social conservatives greeted her pick enthusiastically _ support that coalesced in the ensuing days as her daughter's pregnancy became known.

While McCain himself appeals to independents, strategists said they hoped Palin's presence on the ticket would gain a second look from conservative Democrats who sided with New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton during her failed candidacy earlier in the year.

Late Nite Jokes

Jay Leno

Joe Lieberman, who ran as a Democrat in 2000 as Al Gore’s vice presidential nominee, spoke at the Republican Convention last night. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally.

John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time he visited that state he was shooting buffalo from a train.

I don’t want to say that the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush, but last night while Bush was speaking via satellite, they were trying to change the channel.

Gov. Palin gave a speech last night. She wanted to give people who don’t know her a chance to meet her. Like John McCain.

David Letterman

John McCain lasted 5 1/2 years in a POW camp in North Vietnam — even he couldn’t get through Joe Lieberman’s speech at the Republican Convention last night.

Dick Cheney did not attend the convention in Minnesota. Apparently, he had already scheduled a heart attack.

Has everyone seen Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters.

Delegates were so captivated by Sarah Palin’s speech last night that at one point, the room got so quiet you could hear Sen. Larry Craig’s toilet flush.

Conan O'Brien

Sarah Palin spoke at the Republican Convention last night. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. Palin said, “Everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people — it’s for pregnant teenagers.”

She says she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. Which explains why she is in favor of shotgun weddings.

John McCain got the endorsement of the gay Republican group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. The endorsement comes not because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin.

Last night President Bush addressed the crowd at the convention via satellite. The first 10 minutes of his speech consisted of him saying, “Wait a minute — how can you see me when I can’t see you?”

Craig Ferguson

TV did great last night. The new version of “Beverly Hills 90210” premiered last night. It was a mix of the old has-beens of the old show, teamed with the sexy nobodys of the new show — kind if like TV’s version of the Republican ticket.

I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn’t mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought, The Rolling Stones! But no.

Yesterday, John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. That’s the organization of gay Republicans. And McCain was very happy. He thought, “Here’s a group that won’t embarrass me with any surprise pregnancies.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Republican National Convention is still going wild in Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose.

They’re keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight — President Bush gave a speech that couldn’t have been more than five minutes long, and Dick Cheney is in Azherbaijan, which is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis.

They locked Sen. Larry Craig in the men’s room.

Sarah Palin brought the high school kid who knocked up her daughter along . . . that’s got to be a fun trip for him.