Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
They had the Emmys last night. There were more stars there than at a Barack Obama fundraiser.
The miniseries “John Adams” set an Emmy record last night — 13 wins. So a guy from the 1700s is still winning today. That’s good news for John McCain.
The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over.” Then, they asked for $700 billion.
Bill Clinton was on “The View” yesterday. It was a frustrating appearance for Clinton — it turns out the pretty one is a conservative.
David Letterman
During the Emmys last night, John McCain asked, “‘Gunsmoke’ win anything?”
Autumn arrived on schedule . . . at least there’s one thing Bush hasn’t screwed up.
John McCain was introducing Sarah Palin to world leaders at the U.N. Assembly yesterday. It was nice — it looked like “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.”
We’re learning more about John McCain — he has 13 cars. And he can’t remember where he parked any of them.
Conan O'Brien
The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?"
Yesterday at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. After hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying.
Cuba says Russia is going to help them develop a space program. And then they're going to help Cuba develop a radio.
Craig Ferguson
Last night’s Emmys were the lowest rated in history. More people watched the Minnie Me sex tape.
Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last night. It’s great to see that grizzled old timer still get the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too.
I had to present an award with Brooke Shields. As I am approaching the stage, I realize how much I hate the Emmys. Then I realize I hate me for being part of this!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night were the Emmys on ABC. Best drama went to the Green Bay Packers, I think.
The big award was for the best actor in a presidential campaign. It went to John McCain. [Video of John McCain saying Sarah Palin is absolutely ready to be president.]
This is interesting: According to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars, and Barack and Michelle Obama only own one. The McCains have 13 — which, to be fair, is only one for each house.
The have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, 10 rascal scooters, and a hearse.
Jay Leno
They had the Emmys last night. There were more stars there than at a Barack Obama fundraiser.
The miniseries “John Adams” set an Emmy record last night — 13 wins. So a guy from the 1700s is still winning today. That’s good news for John McCain.
The financial crisis is getting worse. A bailout is in the works. Today, Congress declared, “The days of getting money just for the asking, are over.” Then, they asked for $700 billion.
Bill Clinton was on “The View” yesterday. It was a frustrating appearance for Clinton — it turns out the pretty one is a conservative.
David Letterman
During the Emmys last night, John McCain asked, “‘Gunsmoke’ win anything?”
Autumn arrived on schedule . . . at least there’s one thing Bush hasn’t screwed up.
John McCain was introducing Sarah Palin to world leaders at the U.N. Assembly yesterday. It was nice — it looked like “Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.”
We’re learning more about John McCain — he has 13 cars. And he can’t remember where he parked any of them.
Conan O'Brien
The past several days, President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout, and today a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Bush got upset and said, "Why does everyone always spell in front of me?"
Yesterday at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. After hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s he smoked marijuana. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned that you could understand every word he was saying.
Cuba says Russia is going to help them develop a space program. And then they're going to help Cuba develop a radio.
Craig Ferguson
Last night’s Emmys were the lowest rated in history. More people watched the Minnie Me sex tape.
Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award last night. It’s great to see that grizzled old timer still get the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too.
I had to present an award with Brooke Shields. As I am approaching the stage, I realize how much I hate the Emmys. Then I realize I hate me for being part of this!
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Last night were the Emmys on ABC. Best drama went to the Green Bay Packers, I think.
The big award was for the best actor in a presidential campaign. It went to John McCain. [Video of John McCain saying Sarah Palin is absolutely ready to be president.]
This is interesting: According to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars, and Barack and Michelle Obama only own one. The McCains have 13 — which, to be fair, is only one for each house.
The have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, 10 rascal scooters, and a hearse.
