Saturday, January 31, 2009
Stimulus Bill a 'Big Buyoff'
Sen. James Inhofe, R-Okla., says the nearly trillion-dollar stimulus package the House of Representatives is heaping on Americans is nothing more than a huge spending bill with projects in it for people the Democratic-led Congress wants to buy off.
Inhofe, who says the bill will do nothing to stimulate the economy, also tells Newsmax TV that the superfluous bill will provide tax refunds to people who don't pay any taxes, and would even give government checks of up to $1,000 to illegal aliens.
“You have a stimulus bill that's supposed to stimulate the economy,” Inhofe explains. “We know how to do that. We did it under John Kennedy; we did it under Ronald Reagan. We know what it does and what you have to do for capital gains and for all these things to open up the economy. But this [stimulus package] doesn't do any of that. There’s so many things in there that are just bad.”
Inhofe notes that a lot of the pork lies in projects that have nothing to do with stimulating the U.S. economy, including:
$30 billion on federal government building improvements
$1.5 billion for homelessness prevention
$650 million for digital TV coupons
$650 million for wildlife management
$600 million for the federal government to buy new green cars
$570 million for climate change
$75 million for smoking cessation activities
“The only tax decreases they have here are refundable tax credits,” Inhofe explains. “And that's really just giving refunds to people who don't pay taxes. That has nothing to do with stimulating the economy.”
One of Inhofe’s biggest objections to the $880 billion bill is that there is only $30 billion that goes toward some of what he believes are the real problems that should be addressed, such as roads and highways.
Inhofe says he personally met with President Barack Obama Monday to point out that the $30 billion earmarked for infrastructure represents only 3 percent of the total amount of the spending bill.
“When I told him that, he didn't believe it was that small a percentage,” Inhofe says. ”I said, ‘If we find that I'm right and you're wrong, would you go up to 10 percent?’ And he said, ‘I'd certainly look at that.’ Since then, he realizes that I am right. As far as roads and highways, it's $30 billion, and then a few [dollars] for water infrastructure.”
Inhofe believes it is the infrastructure improvements that could provide real jobs, while spurring the economy.
“We have over $1 billion worth of projects in America right now that are going to have to be done,” Inhofe points out. “Roads, bridges and that kind of thing; the type of thing government is supposed to be doing. We are going to do it, but this would allow them to do it earlier and use up some of that money they're throwing away.”
Inhofe also weighed in on Obama’s decision earlier this week to close the detention center on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, saying it is “a very dangerous and foolish idea,” and that he and several other lawmakers haven't given up the fight to keep it open.
Inhofe is leading a delegation to Guantanamo Bay, which he visited right after 9/11, to try to change the public’s perception about the facility.
“When they were accusing them of using interrogation methods that were not proper, I found that not to be true, but the perception is out there,” Inhofe says.
“First of all, this has been a real resource we've been able to use for a long time, and there's no place else we can put people like this,” Inhofe says about the detainees housed at Gitmo for alleged terrorist activities.
“If we were to close this thing down, we have people down there right now like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, along with his top four co-conspirators, and they're in the judicial process right now, which President Obama has said you must stop,” Inhofe says.
“What happens if they close it? We have to do something with these people. We have 120 hardcore terrorists that their countries of origin don't want back. There's no place that will take them. If we close Guantanamo, they've identified some 17 army installations around America where they could go, one of which happens to be in my state of Oklahoma.
“This is something that is totally unacceptable.”
Inhofe will be taking four colleagues with him to Cuba early next month, including Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Fla., who is from Cuba and serves on the Armed Services Committee with Inhofe.
The purpose of the trip is to assess "the situation down there” in order “to tell America that we've got to keep this resource open. This is a great resource for us that can't be replaced anywhere else.”
Sen. James Inhofe, R-Okla., says the nearly trillion-dollar stimulus package the House of Representatives is heaping on Americans is nothing more than a huge spending bill with projects in it for people the Democratic-led Congress wants to buy off.
Inhofe, who says the bill will do nothing to stimulate the economy, also tells Newsmax TV that the superfluous bill will provide tax refunds to people who don't pay any taxes, and would even give government checks of up to $1,000 to illegal aliens.
“You have a stimulus bill that's supposed to stimulate the economy,” Inhofe explains. “We know how to do that. We did it under John Kennedy; we did it under Ronald Reagan. We know what it does and what you have to do for capital gains and for all these things to open up the economy. But this [stimulus package] doesn't do any of that. There’s so many things in there that are just bad.”
Inhofe notes that a lot of the pork lies in projects that have nothing to do with stimulating the U.S. economy, including:
$30 billion on federal government building improvements
$1.5 billion for homelessness prevention
$650 million for digital TV coupons
$650 million for wildlife management
$600 million for the federal government to buy new green cars
$570 million for climate change
$75 million for smoking cessation activities
“The only tax decreases they have here are refundable tax credits,” Inhofe explains. “And that's really just giving refunds to people who don't pay taxes. That has nothing to do with stimulating the economy.”
One of Inhofe’s biggest objections to the $880 billion bill is that there is only $30 billion that goes toward some of what he believes are the real problems that should be addressed, such as roads and highways.
Inhofe says he personally met with President Barack Obama Monday to point out that the $30 billion earmarked for infrastructure represents only 3 percent of the total amount of the spending bill.
“When I told him that, he didn't believe it was that small a percentage,” Inhofe says. ”I said, ‘If we find that I'm right and you're wrong, would you go up to 10 percent?’ And he said, ‘I'd certainly look at that.’ Since then, he realizes that I am right. As far as roads and highways, it's $30 billion, and then a few [dollars] for water infrastructure.”
Inhofe believes it is the infrastructure improvements that could provide real jobs, while spurring the economy.
“We have over $1 billion worth of projects in America right now that are going to have to be done,” Inhofe points out. “Roads, bridges and that kind of thing; the type of thing government is supposed to be doing. We are going to do it, but this would allow them to do it earlier and use up some of that money they're throwing away.”
Inhofe also weighed in on Obama’s decision earlier this week to close the detention center on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, saying it is “a very dangerous and foolish idea,” and that he and several other lawmakers haven't given up the fight to keep it open.
Inhofe is leading a delegation to Guantanamo Bay, which he visited right after 9/11, to try to change the public’s perception about the facility.
“When they were accusing them of using interrogation methods that were not proper, I found that not to be true, but the perception is out there,” Inhofe says.
“First of all, this has been a real resource we've been able to use for a long time, and there's no place else we can put people like this,” Inhofe says about the detainees housed at Gitmo for alleged terrorist activities.
“If we were to close this thing down, we have people down there right now like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, along with his top four co-conspirators, and they're in the judicial process right now, which President Obama has said you must stop,” Inhofe says.
“What happens if they close it? We have to do something with these people. We have 120 hardcore terrorists that their countries of origin don't want back. There's no place that will take them. If we close Guantanamo, they've identified some 17 army installations around America where they could go, one of which happens to be in my state of Oklahoma.
“This is something that is totally unacceptable.”
Inhofe will be taking four colleagues with him to Cuba early next month, including Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Fla., who is from Cuba and serves on the Armed Services Committee with Inhofe.
The purpose of the trip is to assess "the situation down there” in order “to tell America that we've got to keep this resource open. This is a great resource for us that can't be replaced anywhere else.”
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
TGIF now has new meaning. It now stands for “the governor is fired!”
Former Gov. Blagojevich is out of a job. He’s disgraced, he’s unpopular. In fact, today he got a note from President Bush saying, “Hey — welcome to the club.”
This guy keeps demanding that he is innocent. He said at his hearing the other day, “With the exception of those four tapes that you heard, there hasn't been any evidence to show or prove any criminal conduct.” Except for maybe . . . the four tapes!
This guy will not go away. He just came out with his own shampoo. You may have seen this is the store. It’s called Gee Your Hair Looks Ridiculous.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans
10. "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"
9. "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'"
8. "Smoke break!"
7. "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"
6. "Mr. President, don't misunderestimate the Republicans"
5. "Another smoke break!"
4. "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
3. "About that tax the rich stuff . . . you were joking, right?"
2. "Sir, it's refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences"
1. "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"
David Letterman
Cold today. So cold, Gov. Paterson spent six weeks picking out a sweater.
So cold, down in Washington, D.C., President Obama had Vice President Joe Biden go outside and take his smoking break for him.
The murder rate in New York City is up 5 percent. I knew we’d come back. Last year was just a rebuilding year.
It’s the cold and flu season. Here’s how you can tell: Today, Bernie Madoff swindled some old lady out of her cough drops.
Craig Ferguson
Tough times at Disney. They had to lay off 400 employees and make some changes. They fired Miley Cirus, but kept Hanna Montana.
The title to “Finding Nemo” has been changed to “Avoiding Repo.”
Then, earlier today, I saw Wall-E renting himself out as a toaster.
Jay Leno
TGIF now has new meaning. It now stands for “the governor is fired!”
Former Gov. Blagojevich is out of a job. He’s disgraced, he’s unpopular. In fact, today he got a note from President Bush saying, “Hey — welcome to the club.”
This guy keeps demanding that he is innocent. He said at his hearing the other day, “With the exception of those four tapes that you heard, there hasn't been any evidence to show or prove any criminal conduct.” Except for maybe . . . the four tapes!
This guy will not go away. He just came out with his own shampoo. You may have seen this is the store. It’s called Gee Your Hair Looks Ridiculous.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans
10. "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"
9. "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'"
8. "Smoke break!"
7. "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"
6. "Mr. President, don't misunderestimate the Republicans"
5. "Another smoke break!"
4. "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
3. "About that tax the rich stuff . . . you were joking, right?"
2. "Sir, it's refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences"
1. "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"
David Letterman
Cold today. So cold, Gov. Paterson spent six weeks picking out a sweater.
So cold, down in Washington, D.C., President Obama had Vice President Joe Biden go outside and take his smoking break for him.
The murder rate in New York City is up 5 percent. I knew we’d come back. Last year was just a rebuilding year.
It’s the cold and flu season. Here’s how you can tell: Today, Bernie Madoff swindled some old lady out of her cough drops.
Craig Ferguson
Tough times at Disney. They had to lay off 400 employees and make some changes. They fired Miley Cirus, but kept Hanna Montana.
The title to “Finding Nemo” has been changed to “Avoiding Repo.”
Then, earlier today, I saw Wall-E renting himself out as a toaster.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Senate GOPers Vow to Fight Stimulus Bill
WASHINGTON – Angry Republican senators vowed Thursday to put up a fight against President Barack Obama's economic stimulus bill after the package passed the House of Representatives with no opposition support.
The senators denied they were indulging in political games against Obama, insisting that the 819-billion-dollar stimulus bill would prove a colossal waste of money without a greater emphasis on tax cuts and targeted investment.
"This isn't about playing the game, this is about doing something good for the American people," Republican Jon Kyl said at a briefing with several of his Senate colleagues, accusing the Democrats of ignoring their objections.
"It doesn't seem they were interested in the same kind of bipartisan outreach that the president was," Kyl said. "We are too often met with this response: 'we won.'"
Senator Bob Bennett said he had no desire to see the new president stumble in his first major legislative effort in Congress.
"As an American I want to see the right thing done regardless of who gets the credit," Bennett said. "I'm going to vote against this package because it won't work."
Senator Roger Wicker echoed his colleagues in calling for more time for debate, highlighting a full-page ad by more than 300 free-market economists in the Washington Post against the stimulus package.
"Ladies and gentlemen, a trillion dollars is a terrible thing to waste," he said. "Let's be careful we're not making the situation worse in an attempt to make it better."
A week-long charm offensive by Obama failed to win over even a single Republican when the House of Representatives voted 244-188 to pass the economic package late Wednesday.
The stimulus bill now moves to the Senate, where Republican stalling tactics could prove more troublesome for Obama.
House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi denied she had rammed the stimulus bill through against Republican objections.
"We've reached out to Republicans all along the way and they know it," she told reporters, citing the inclusion of Republican tax-cutting proposals and the party's participation in an open House debate.
"They just didn't have the ideas that had the support of the majority of the people in the Congress," Pelosi said.
"We need to act and we need to act now," she said, highlighting the latest news of job losses, adding she looked forward to marrying the House bill with the version eventually passed by the Senate.
But Republican Senator Jeff Sessions said the US public was only just realizing the enormity of the stimulus bill.
"I don't think the American people like this. I think after the ground shifts with public opinion, hopefully we'll be able to make some changes," he said.
WASHINGTON – Angry Republican senators vowed Thursday to put up a fight against President Barack Obama's economic stimulus bill after the package passed the House of Representatives with no opposition support.
The senators denied they were indulging in political games against Obama, insisting that the 819-billion-dollar stimulus bill would prove a colossal waste of money without a greater emphasis on tax cuts and targeted investment.
"This isn't about playing the game, this is about doing something good for the American people," Republican Jon Kyl said at a briefing with several of his Senate colleagues, accusing the Democrats of ignoring their objections.
"It doesn't seem they were interested in the same kind of bipartisan outreach that the president was," Kyl said. "We are too often met with this response: 'we won.'"
Senator Bob Bennett said he had no desire to see the new president stumble in his first major legislative effort in Congress.
"As an American I want to see the right thing done regardless of who gets the credit," Bennett said. "I'm going to vote against this package because it won't work."
Senator Roger Wicker echoed his colleagues in calling for more time for debate, highlighting a full-page ad by more than 300 free-market economists in the Washington Post against the stimulus package.
"Ladies and gentlemen, a trillion dollars is a terrible thing to waste," he said. "Let's be careful we're not making the situation worse in an attempt to make it better."
A week-long charm offensive by Obama failed to win over even a single Republican when the House of Representatives voted 244-188 to pass the economic package late Wednesday.
The stimulus bill now moves to the Senate, where Republican stalling tactics could prove more troublesome for Obama.
House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi denied she had rammed the stimulus bill through against Republican objections.
"We've reached out to Republicans all along the way and they know it," she told reporters, citing the inclusion of Republican tax-cutting proposals and the party's participation in an open House debate.
"They just didn't have the ideas that had the support of the majority of the people in the Congress," Pelosi said.
"We need to act and we need to act now," she said, highlighting the latest news of job losses, adding she looked forward to marrying the House bill with the version eventually passed by the Senate.
But Republican Senator Jeff Sessions said the US public was only just realizing the enormity of the stimulus bill.
"I don't think the American people like this. I think after the ground shifts with public opinion, hopefully we'll be able to make some changes," he said.
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office. No longer governor. By a vote of 59 to nothing . . . so close.
So that’s one corrupt politician down, 126,388 more to go.
It’s not over. He could still go to jail. In fact, he will be the first Illinois governor to go to jail since the last one . . . and the one before that . . and then there were a couple more . . .
So now the lieutenant governor will now move up and he will be sworn in. Blagojevich still doesn’t get it. When he heard the lieutenant governor was going to get his seat, Blagojevich said, “You mean for free?”
David Letterman
Cold outside. Wow. So cold, remember that woman who had eight babies? They went back in.
So cold, the state of Illinois impeached Al Roker.
Rod Blagojevich spoke for 47 minutes at his impeachment hearing. It really took its toll on him. Afterwards, they had to rush him to the emergency room at Supercuts.
On this date in 2002, President Bush gave his “Axis of Evil” speech. The Axis of Evil was Iran, Iraq, and Dick Cheney.
Conan O'Brien
Political experts are wondering what the future will hold for Gov. Rod Blagojevich. On the bright side, he has been offered a job by Supercuts for the “before” picture.
This week on CNN, they’ve been showing a blueprint of the White House to help viewers visualize the layout of the west wing. When he saw it, former President Bush said, “So that’s where the bathroom was.”
The government of Iceland collapsed because of the financial; crisis. Apparently, the only person to ever make money in Iceland is Bjork.
According to a new study, there’s been an increase of illegal immigrants living in Canada. That must be some tunnel.
Craig Ferguson
The state Senate kicked Rod Blagojevich out today. He did the smart thing any criminal would do — he asked Oprah for a pardon.
It’s Oprah’s birthday today. If you’re looking to get her something special for her birthday, forget it — she’s already got two.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck from “The View,” announced that she’s pregnant. She’ll have to deal with the crying, diaper changes, drooling, and when she’s done with Barbara Walters, then she’ll have to look after the baby.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Oprah’s 55th birthday. When are they going to make this an official holiday?
We should switch Arbor Day to Oprah Day. It’s just two letters off.
I feel bad for her pal, Stedman. What do you get the woman who has her own president?
Rod Blagojevich finally showed up for his impeachment trial. He spoke for 47 minutes. They were finally able to nab him with a butterfly net and some AquaNet.
Jay Leno
Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office. No longer governor. By a vote of 59 to nothing . . . so close.
So that’s one corrupt politician down, 126,388 more to go.
It’s not over. He could still go to jail. In fact, he will be the first Illinois governor to go to jail since the last one . . . and the one before that . . and then there were a couple more . . .
So now the lieutenant governor will now move up and he will be sworn in. Blagojevich still doesn’t get it. When he heard the lieutenant governor was going to get his seat, Blagojevich said, “You mean for free?”
David Letterman
Cold outside. Wow. So cold, remember that woman who had eight babies? They went back in.
So cold, the state of Illinois impeached Al Roker.
Rod Blagojevich spoke for 47 minutes at his impeachment hearing. It really took its toll on him. Afterwards, they had to rush him to the emergency room at Supercuts.
On this date in 2002, President Bush gave his “Axis of Evil” speech. The Axis of Evil was Iran, Iraq, and Dick Cheney.
Conan O'Brien
Political experts are wondering what the future will hold for Gov. Rod Blagojevich. On the bright side, he has been offered a job by Supercuts for the “before” picture.
This week on CNN, they’ve been showing a blueprint of the White House to help viewers visualize the layout of the west wing. When he saw it, former President Bush said, “So that’s where the bathroom was.”
The government of Iceland collapsed because of the financial; crisis. Apparently, the only person to ever make money in Iceland is Bjork.
According to a new study, there’s been an increase of illegal immigrants living in Canada. That must be some tunnel.
Craig Ferguson
The state Senate kicked Rod Blagojevich out today. He did the smart thing any criminal would do — he asked Oprah for a pardon.
It’s Oprah’s birthday today. If you’re looking to get her something special for her birthday, forget it — she’s already got two.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck from “The View,” announced that she’s pregnant. She’ll have to deal with the crying, diaper changes, drooling, and when she’s done with Barbara Walters, then she’ll have to look after the baby.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Today is Oprah’s 55th birthday. When are they going to make this an official holiday?
We should switch Arbor Day to Oprah Day. It’s just two letters off.
I feel bad for her pal, Stedman. What do you get the woman who has her own president?
Rod Blagojevich finally showed up for his impeachment trial. He spoke for 47 minutes. They were finally able to nab him with a butterfly net and some AquaNet.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Al Gore Hails 'Green' Obama's Climate Goals
DAVOS, Switzerland -- Nobel Peace Prize winner Al Gore urged President Barack Obama and other world leaders to seal a quick deal to fight global warming despite the pervasive financial crisis.
Gore called Obama "the greenest person in the room" for making environmental funding a big chunk of the $819 billion economic stimulus bill passed by U.S. lawmakers this week.
"I think it's important for the world leaders gathered here to fully appreciate the magnitude of the change in U.S. leadership," Gore said.
The former U.S. vice president and environmental advocate, speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, referred to frustration in many countries at the Bush administration's refusal to sign international pacts on reducing emissions of carbon, blamed for global warming.
Gore, U.N. climate chief Yvo de Boer and oil and insurance executives were discussing the fate of a U.N. meeting in Copenhagen later this year aiming for a global agreement on reducing emissions.
Questions remain over the new U.S. government's position on the Copenhagen meeting, which is seen as crucial.
Gore remained upbeat. "The new administration is very serious about this," he said. "We need an agreement this year, not next year or some other time."
The panelists acknowledged that the financial crisis will be a key challenge to getting agreement on a climate pact.
Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen, who will host the Copenhagen meeting, urged countries to agree to reduce global emissions by 50 percent by 2050, and said industrialized countries should reduce by 80 percent.
DAVOS, Switzerland -- Nobel Peace Prize winner Al Gore urged President Barack Obama and other world leaders to seal a quick deal to fight global warming despite the pervasive financial crisis.
Gore called Obama "the greenest person in the room" for making environmental funding a big chunk of the $819 billion economic stimulus bill passed by U.S. lawmakers this week.
"I think it's important for the world leaders gathered here to fully appreciate the magnitude of the change in U.S. leadership," Gore said.
The former U.S. vice president and environmental advocate, speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, referred to frustration in many countries at the Bush administration's refusal to sign international pacts on reducing emissions of carbon, blamed for global warming.
Gore, U.N. climate chief Yvo de Boer and oil and insurance executives were discussing the fate of a U.N. meeting in Copenhagen later this year aiming for a global agreement on reducing emissions.
Questions remain over the new U.S. government's position on the Copenhagen meeting, which is seen as crucial.
Gore remained upbeat. "The new administration is very serious about this," he said. "We need an agreement this year, not next year or some other time."
The panelists acknowledged that the financial crisis will be a key challenge to getting agreement on a climate pact.
Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen, who will host the Copenhagen meeting, urged countries to agree to reduce global emissions by 50 percent by 2050, and said industrialized countries should reduce by 80 percent.
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama is trying to reach out to the Muslim world. He appeared in a Muslim TV show called, “How I Met Your Mullah.”
Gov. Rod Blagojevich was on television comparing himself to Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King. I think he looks more like Skippy from “Family Ties.”
Earlier this week, all e-mail service at the White House completely collapsed. Everything had to be written on paper by hand. It was like John McCain had been elected president.
Freezing weather this week. The roads were so icy, Al Gore almost didn’t make it to his global warming speech.
David Letterman
A woman in California gave birth to eight babies. Of course, now she’s looking to move to a much larger shoe.
The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich . . . they’re trying to get him out of there. He looks like the guy who tells you you need new brake pads.
He looks like the insurance guy who keeps calling you “captain.”
According to experts, Barack Obama is the most famous person in the world. Here’s why: There are now more people in the world.
Conan O'Brien
Bruce Springsteen is going to perform at the Super Bowl — and oddsmakers are laying odds on what song he will play first. The odds are 2 to 1 that he’ll play “Born in the USA” and 25,000 to 1 that he’ll play “I’m A Little Teacup.”
President Obama still hasn’t gotten used to the White House — today on his way into the Oval Office he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. White House employees said at first it made them laugh — then a wave of nostalgia washed over them.
President Obama said that people in Washington can’t handle harsh winter weather like people in Chicago. To be fair, Chicago is shielded from snow and ice by the protective dome of Gov. Blagojevich’s hair.
NBC just announced a new deal with American Airlines to show NBC programming on its flights. So look for a lot more planes making emergency landings in the Hudson.
Craig Ferguson
A pair of shoes worn by Sarah Palin sold for $2,000 in an online auction. Apparently, the shoes have magical powers. They allow the wearer to step into situations they are totally unqualified for.
Mickey Rourke plays a wrestler in a new movie. Now he’s becoming a real-life wrestler. I wonder if he will be wearing a pair of special shoes he bought in an online auction . . .
He’s going to be in WrestleMania 25. I want to watch, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to follow it. I didn’t see WrestleMania 1-24.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama is trying to reach out to the Muslim world. He appeared in a Muslim TV show called, “How I Met Your Mullah.”
Gov. Rod Blagojevich was on television comparing himself to Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Martin Luther King. I think he looks more like Skippy from “Family Ties.”
Earlier this week, all e-mail service at the White House completely collapsed. Everything had to be written on paper by hand. It was like John McCain had been elected president.
Freezing weather this week. The roads were so icy, Al Gore almost didn’t make it to his global warming speech.
David Letterman
A woman in California gave birth to eight babies. Of course, now she’s looking to move to a much larger shoe.
The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich . . . they’re trying to get him out of there. He looks like the guy who tells you you need new brake pads.
He looks like the insurance guy who keeps calling you “captain.”
According to experts, Barack Obama is the most famous person in the world. Here’s why: There are now more people in the world.
Conan O'Brien
Bruce Springsteen is going to perform at the Super Bowl — and oddsmakers are laying odds on what song he will play first. The odds are 2 to 1 that he’ll play “Born in the USA” and 25,000 to 1 that he’ll play “I’m A Little Teacup.”
President Obama still hasn’t gotten used to the White House — today on his way into the Oval Office he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. White House employees said at first it made them laugh — then a wave of nostalgia washed over them.
President Obama said that people in Washington can’t handle harsh winter weather like people in Chicago. To be fair, Chicago is shielded from snow and ice by the protective dome of Gov. Blagojevich’s hair.
NBC just announced a new deal with American Airlines to show NBC programming on its flights. So look for a lot more planes making emergency landings in the Hudson.
Craig Ferguson
A pair of shoes worn by Sarah Palin sold for $2,000 in an online auction. Apparently, the shoes have magical powers. They allow the wearer to step into situations they are totally unqualified for.
Mickey Rourke plays a wrestler in a new movie. Now he’s becoming a real-life wrestler. I wonder if he will be wearing a pair of special shoes he bought in an online auction . . .
He’s going to be in WrestleMania 25. I want to watch, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to follow it. I didn’t see WrestleMania 1-24.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Stimulus Shopping List: $1.17 Trillion in Pork Goodies
The $1.17 trillion stimulus bill passed by House Democrats on Wednesday bears little resemblance to the bill originally proposed by President Obama, with less than 5 percent of the funds now going to repair America’s deteriorating infrastructure.
GOP critics point out the bill is loaded with tens of billions for items ranging from Amtrak subsidies to sexually transmitted diseases to the National Endowment for the Arts -- much of which won’t actually flow into the economy until long after economists expect the current economic crisis to subside.
In late November, Obama promised: “It will be a two-year, nationwide effort to jumpstart job creation in America, and lay the foundation for a strong and growing economy. We’ll put people back to work rebuilding our crumbling roads and bridges,” modernizing schools and stimulating development of alternative forms of energy.
Even some Democrats are now objecting that the measure contains too few highway and mass transit projects. Moreover Mark Zandi, chief economist for Moody’s Economy.com, says most of the infrastructure spending in the plan won’t occur until 2010 or later.
Provisions of the bill that many legislators are questioning:
$1 billion for Amtrak, which hasn’t earned a profit in four decades.
$2 billion to help subsidize child care.
$400 million for research into global warming.
$2.4 billion for projects to demonstrate how carbon greenhouse gas can be safely removed from the atmosphere.
$650 million for coupons to help consumers convert their TV sets from analog to digital, part of the digital TV conversion.
$600 million to buy a new fleet of cars for federal employees and government departments.
$75 million to fund programs to help people quit smoking.
$21 million to re-sod the National Mall, which suffered heavy use during the Inauguration.
$2.25 billion for national parks. This item has sparked calls for an investigation, because the chief lobbyist of the National Parks Association is the son of Rep. David R. Obey, D-Wisc. The $2,25 billion is about equal to the National Park Service’s entire annual budget. The Washington Times reports it is a threefold increase over what was originally proposed for parks in the stimulus bill. Obey is chairman of the House Appropriations Committee.
$335 million for treatment and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.
$50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts. $4.19 billion to stave off foreclosures via the Neighborhood Stabilization Program. The bill allows nonprofits to compete with cities and states for $3.44 billion of the money, which means a substantial amount of it will be captured by ACORN, the controversial activist group currently under federal investigation for vote fraud. Another $750 million would be exclusively reserved for nonprofits such as ACORN – meaning cities and states are barred from receiving that money. Sen. David Vitter, R-La., charges the money could appear to be a “payoff” for the partisan political activities community groups in the last election cycle.
$44 million to renovate the headquarters building of the Agriculture Department.
$32 billion for a “smart electricity grid to minimize waste.
$87 billion of Medicaid funds, to aid states.
$53.4 billion for science facilities, high speed Internet, and miscellaneous energy and environmental programs.
$13 billion to repair and weatherize public housing, help the homeless, repair foreclosed homes.
$20 billion for quicker depreciation and write-offs for equipment.
$10.3 billion for tax credits to help families defray the cost of college tuition.
$20 billion over five years for an expanded food stamp program.
Republican leaders say the stimulus package will add 32 new government programs at a cost of $136 billion. They object that many of the programs, once established, are likely to continue indefinitely.
Most media outlets are reporting the cost of the package at $819 billion. As Newsmax revealed yesterday, however, the Congressional Budget Office calculates that the interest on the debt generated by the bill’s spending will cost another $347.1 billion, making the total cost approximately $1.17 trillion.
Of course, the measure contains hundreds of billions in tax cuts and infrastructure projects that conservatives will find palatable. But as House Minority whip Eric Cantor, R-Va., told the media Wednesday, “This was not a stimulus bill. It was a spending bill.”
The $1.17 trillion stimulus bill passed by House Democrats on Wednesday bears little resemblance to the bill originally proposed by President Obama, with less than 5 percent of the funds now going to repair America’s deteriorating infrastructure.
GOP critics point out the bill is loaded with tens of billions for items ranging from Amtrak subsidies to sexually transmitted diseases to the National Endowment for the Arts -- much of which won’t actually flow into the economy until long after economists expect the current economic crisis to subside.
In late November, Obama promised: “It will be a two-year, nationwide effort to jumpstart job creation in America, and lay the foundation for a strong and growing economy. We’ll put people back to work rebuilding our crumbling roads and bridges,” modernizing schools and stimulating development of alternative forms of energy.
Even some Democrats are now objecting that the measure contains too few highway and mass transit projects. Moreover Mark Zandi, chief economist for Moody’s Economy.com, says most of the infrastructure spending in the plan won’t occur until 2010 or later.
Provisions of the bill that many legislators are questioning:
$1 billion for Amtrak, which hasn’t earned a profit in four decades.
$2 billion to help subsidize child care.
$400 million for research into global warming.
$2.4 billion for projects to demonstrate how carbon greenhouse gas can be safely removed from the atmosphere.
$650 million for coupons to help consumers convert their TV sets from analog to digital, part of the digital TV conversion.
$600 million to buy a new fleet of cars for federal employees and government departments.
$75 million to fund programs to help people quit smoking.
$21 million to re-sod the National Mall, which suffered heavy use during the Inauguration.
$2.25 billion for national parks. This item has sparked calls for an investigation, because the chief lobbyist of the National Parks Association is the son of Rep. David R. Obey, D-Wisc. The $2,25 billion is about equal to the National Park Service’s entire annual budget. The Washington Times reports it is a threefold increase over what was originally proposed for parks in the stimulus bill. Obey is chairman of the House Appropriations Committee.
$335 million for treatment and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.
$50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts. $4.19 billion to stave off foreclosures via the Neighborhood Stabilization Program. The bill allows nonprofits to compete with cities and states for $3.44 billion of the money, which means a substantial amount of it will be captured by ACORN, the controversial activist group currently under federal investigation for vote fraud. Another $750 million would be exclusively reserved for nonprofits such as ACORN – meaning cities and states are barred from receiving that money. Sen. David Vitter, R-La., charges the money could appear to be a “payoff” for the partisan political activities community groups in the last election cycle.
$44 million to renovate the headquarters building of the Agriculture Department.
$32 billion for a “smart electricity grid to minimize waste.
$87 billion of Medicaid funds, to aid states.
$53.4 billion for science facilities, high speed Internet, and miscellaneous energy and environmental programs.
$13 billion to repair and weatherize public housing, help the homeless, repair foreclosed homes.
$20 billion for quicker depreciation and write-offs for equipment.
$10.3 billion for tax credits to help families defray the cost of college tuition.
$20 billion over five years for an expanded food stamp program.
Republican leaders say the stimulus package will add 32 new government programs at a cost of $136 billion. They object that many of the programs, once established, are likely to continue indefinitely.
Most media outlets are reporting the cost of the package at $819 billion. As Newsmax revealed yesterday, however, the Congressional Budget Office calculates that the interest on the debt generated by the bill’s spending will cost another $347.1 billion, making the total cost approximately $1.17 trillion.
Of course, the measure contains hundreds of billions in tax cuts and infrastructure projects that conservatives will find palatable. But as House Minority whip Eric Cantor, R-Va., told the media Wednesday, “This was not a stimulus bill. It was a spending bill.”
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?
President Obama said when it comes to passing the stimulus package we can’t afford distractions and delays. You know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee.
Obama has also signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement.
Gov. Blagojevich said he considered giving the open Senate seat to Oprah. He changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH"
7. Offer a Senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River
3. I don't know . . . how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels, and say, "You Betcha!" a lot
1. Uhhh . . . resign?
David Letterman
Cold outside today. They say the stringent weather is coming off of a cold front between Gov. Paterson and Caroline Kennedy.
So cold, the Statue of Liberty was holding up a space heater.
So cold, out West, Illinois Gov. Blagojevich was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.
Have you seen this guy? Scary moment earlier today . . . he said a flock of geese was sucked into his hair.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as “an interview with the most hated man in America . . . and Rod Blagojevich.”
Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. Which may be a stretch — but at least he got the prison part right.
Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland.
According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they’ll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it’s silly for college students to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to find a job — because the answer is no.
Craig Ferguson
Gov. Blagojevich is continuing on a media tour he’s doing. He was on “The View,” the “Today” show, “Good Morning America,” and his hair was on “Animal Planet.”
PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house.
A new study says that whether or not you’re shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago — if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you’re not shy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on a media tour instead of at his impeachment trial defending himself. I’m not sure what this guy’s story is, but his hair would indicate some sort of delusion.
Larry King asked him, “What do you do with an approval rating of 7?” He still thinks the people of Illinois are behind him. But even 7 — who are these people who approve of the job he’s doing? His mom . . . the guy at Supercuts who does his hair . . .
The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees . . . which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees.
Jay Leno
Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?
President Obama said when it comes to passing the stimulus package we can’t afford distractions and delays. You know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee.
Obama has also signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement.
Gov. Blagojevich said he considered giving the open Senate seat to Oprah. He changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH"
7. Offer a Senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River
3. I don't know . . . how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels, and say, "You Betcha!" a lot
1. Uhhh . . . resign?
David Letterman
Cold outside today. They say the stringent weather is coming off of a cold front between Gov. Paterson and Caroline Kennedy.
So cold, the Statue of Liberty was holding up a space heater.
So cold, out West, Illinois Gov. Blagojevich was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.
Have you seen this guy? Scary moment earlier today . . . he said a flock of geese was sucked into his hair.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as “an interview with the most hated man in America . . . and Rod Blagojevich.”
Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. Which may be a stretch — but at least he got the prison part right.
Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland.
According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they’ll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it’s silly for college students to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to find a job — because the answer is no.
Craig Ferguson
Gov. Blagojevich is continuing on a media tour he’s doing. He was on “The View,” the “Today” show, “Good Morning America,” and his hair was on “Animal Planet.”
PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house.
A new study says that whether or not you’re shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago — if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you’re not shy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on a media tour instead of at his impeachment trial defending himself. I’m not sure what this guy’s story is, but his hair would indicate some sort of delusion.
Larry King asked him, “What do you do with an approval rating of 7?” He still thinks the people of Illinois are behind him. But even 7 — who are these people who approve of the job he’s doing? His mom . . . the guy at Supercuts who does his hair . . .
The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees . . . which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sarah Palin Unveils National 'SarahPAC' Organization
In a major step closer to a future run for national office, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on Tuesday established SarahPAC, a political action committee expected to play a key role in financing upcoming political endeavors.
“SarahPAC believes the Republican Party is at the threshold of a historic renaissance that will build a better future for all,” the SarahPAC.com Web site announced Tuesday. “Health care, education, and reform of government are among our key goals.”
The site, which invites donations, calls energy independence “a cornerstone of the economic security and progress that every American family wants and deserves.”
NBC’s Norah O’Donnell characterized the creation of the fund-raising organization as “a sign Sarah Palin wants to continue to be a player on the national political stage.” O’Donnell added that the Virginia-based PAC “is modeled after HillPAC, Hillary Clinton’s former political committee. Palin’s committee allows her to raise money for other Republicans.”
The PAC Web site describes the organization as “Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation.”
The Alaska governor’s popularity remains undiminished since the election. O’Donnell reports Sen. John MCain’s running mate has over 465,300 supporters on Facebook.
In a major step closer to a future run for national office, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on Tuesday established SarahPAC, a political action committee expected to play a key role in financing upcoming political endeavors.
“SarahPAC believes the Republican Party is at the threshold of a historic renaissance that will build a better future for all,” the SarahPAC.com Web site announced Tuesday. “Health care, education, and reform of government are among our key goals.”
The site, which invites donations, calls energy independence “a cornerstone of the economic security and progress that every American family wants and deserves.”
NBC’s Norah O’Donnell characterized the creation of the fund-raising organization as “a sign Sarah Palin wants to continue to be a player on the national political stage.” O’Donnell added that the Virginia-based PAC “is modeled after HillPAC, Hillary Clinton’s former political committee. Palin’s committee allows her to raise money for other Republicans.”
The PAC Web site describes the organization as “Dedicated to building America's future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation.”
The Alaska governor’s popularity remains undiminished since the election. O’Donnell reports Sen. John MCain’s running mate has over 465,300 supporters on Facebook.
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in. Sounds like the mother-in-law already moved in.
It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, “I could have done that gig.”
President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. The big problem is, How do you get all of these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the “Do Not Fly” list.
They don’t know what to do with them. Other countries don’t want them. We don’t want them. Although today, representatives from New York’s Yellow Cab Company said, “Oh we’ll take them.”
David Letterman
Cold outside today. So cold, Justice Roberts screwed up when he ordered chowder.
So cold, that thing on Gov. Blagojevich’s head went into hibernation.
Gov. Blagojevich is being impeached. The state of Illinois is already looking for a crooked politician to take his place.
What a busy week in Washington. John McCain was busy too — he was at Appleby’s blowing on his soup.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today Gov. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Blagojevich then said, “I have had a dream, and for $100, I’ll tell you about it.”
J. Crew’s stock has gone up 10 percent because first lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mrs. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?
Interesting facts still coming out about the inauguration: Aretha Franklin says that she’s not happy with her performance at the inauguration, and she says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Aretha said she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat.
When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Word has it that the video got them most of the way through takeoff.
Craig Ferguson
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That’s ridiculous — Oprah’s way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate. She’s got real muscle.
Although, she’s got enough money to buy it from that guy.
Here’s an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don’t know what the musical is about . . .
Jay Leno
Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in. Sounds like the mother-in-law already moved in.
It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, “I could have done that gig.”
President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. The big problem is, How do you get all of these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the “Do Not Fly” list.
They don’t know what to do with them. Other countries don’t want them. We don’t want them. Although today, representatives from New York’s Yellow Cab Company said, “Oh we’ll take them.”
David Letterman
Cold outside today. So cold, Justice Roberts screwed up when he ordered chowder.
So cold, that thing on Gov. Blagojevich’s head went into hibernation.
Gov. Blagojevich is being impeached. The state of Illinois is already looking for a crooked politician to take his place.
What a busy week in Washington. John McCain was busy too — he was at Appleby’s blowing on his soup.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today Gov. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Blagojevich then said, “I have had a dream, and for $100, I’ll tell you about it.”
J. Crew’s stock has gone up 10 percent because first lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mrs. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?
Interesting facts still coming out about the inauguration: Aretha Franklin says that she’s not happy with her performance at the inauguration, and she says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Aretha said she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat.
When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Word has it that the video got them most of the way through takeoff.
Craig Ferguson
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That’s ridiculous — Oprah’s way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate. She’s got real muscle.
Although, she’s got enough money to buy it from that guy.
Here’s an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don’t know what the musical is about . . .
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During the inauguration ceremonies there were 2 million people crammed into the Mall and not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that’ll all change now that Congress is back.
The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time.
Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office, so they did it over again. Which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath . . . having somebody in government actually go back and fix something.
President Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. So you know what that means . . . ABC may be forced to cancel “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
There has been 130 million tons of garbage hauled out from the inauguration. And that’s not including the previous administration.
They still haven’t revealed the contents of that note Bush left for Barack Obama, but I have it: “deer Brak, I took Clinton’s porn.”
In Scotland this weekend, they celebrated Robert Burns night. He was a poet. They celebrate it by drinking too much and eating haggis, which is like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The embattled and Herbal Essence-infused governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, held another press conference today.
He’s the guy they caught on tape allegedly trying to barter for Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. I’m no lawyer, but when they get you on tape doing what you say you didn’t do, you’re probably guilty.
Meanwhile, in New York, Gov. David Paterson named a replacement for Hillary Clinton, and he did it for free — not too bright.
Jay Leno
During the inauguration ceremonies there were 2 million people crammed into the Mall and not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that’ll all change now that Congress is back.
The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time.
Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office, so they did it over again. Which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath . . . having somebody in government actually go back and fix something.
President Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. So you know what that means . . . ABC may be forced to cancel “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
There has been 130 million tons of garbage hauled out from the inauguration. And that’s not including the previous administration.
They still haven’t revealed the contents of that note Bush left for Barack Obama, but I have it: “deer Brak, I took Clinton’s porn.”
In Scotland this weekend, they celebrated Robert Burns night. He was a poet. They celebrate it by drinking too much and eating haggis, which is like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The embattled and Herbal Essence-infused governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, held another press conference today.
He’s the guy they caught on tape allegedly trying to barter for Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. I’m no lawyer, but when they get you on tape doing what you say you didn’t do, you’re probably guilty.
Meanwhile, in New York, Gov. David Paterson named a replacement for Hillary Clinton, and he did it for free — not too bright.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Because of the flubbed oath of office the other day, Chief Justice John Roberts went over to the White House last night and gave Barack Obama the oath again. Some legal scholars were concerned that since the oath was not given properly, we legally did not have anybody at the helm for 36 hours. Hey, big deal — we haven't had anybody at the helm for eight years.
Even though there was a lot of coverage of the inauguration here, in Iran, state TV completely ignored it — no film, no radio. It was like the inauguration wasn't even happening. No, I'm sorry, that was Fox news.
Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year. Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.
Obama also issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, they even went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon had installed in Dick Cheney's office.
Conan O'Brien
Today, President Barack Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.
Earlier today, President Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.
Obama's chief of staff has ordered federal agencies to freeze funding on a lot of projects that President Bush tried to push through in his final days. So for now, The National Scooby Doo Museum remains a distant dream.
Shortly after his inauguration, Obama spoke on the phone to the leader of the Palestinians and the leader of the Israelis. Both men started their call by asking Obama, "Hey — what was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
Craig Ferguson
Oscar nominations came out today. “Benjamin Button” got 13. That’s as many as people who have actually seen the movie.
Today was Hillary Clinton’s first day as secretary of state. She’s now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle all domestic affairs.
President Barack Obama signed the executive order to close down Guantanamo Bay. I was against Gitmo from the get-go.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
All of Hollywood is abuzz with news of the Oscar nominations: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” got 13 nominations, one for each hour of running time.
If you haven’t seen it you should; it’s like “Forrest Gump” meets “Forrest Gump.”
President Barack Obama has been busy. Already he’s done more in two days than Bush did in his entire presidency.
Jay Leno
Because of the flubbed oath of office the other day, Chief Justice John Roberts went over to the White House last night and gave Barack Obama the oath again. Some legal scholars were concerned that since the oath was not given properly, we legally did not have anybody at the helm for 36 hours. Hey, big deal — we haven't had anybody at the helm for eight years.
Even though there was a lot of coverage of the inauguration here, in Iran, state TV completely ignored it — no film, no radio. It was like the inauguration wasn't even happening. No, I'm sorry, that was Fox news.
Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Gitmo within a year. Know how he can make sure it closes even faster? Make it a bank.
Obama also issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, they even went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon had installed in Dick Cheney's office.
Conan O'Brien
Today, President Barack Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.
Earlier today, President Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.
Obama's chief of staff has ordered federal agencies to freeze funding on a lot of projects that President Bush tried to push through in his final days. So for now, The National Scooby Doo Museum remains a distant dream.
Shortly after his inauguration, Obama spoke on the phone to the leader of the Palestinians and the leader of the Israelis. Both men started their call by asking Obama, "Hey — what was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
Craig Ferguson
Oscar nominations came out today. “Benjamin Button” got 13. That’s as many as people who have actually seen the movie.
Today was Hillary Clinton’s first day as secretary of state. She’s now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle all domestic affairs.
President Barack Obama signed the executive order to close down Guantanamo Bay. I was against Gitmo from the get-go.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
All of Hollywood is abuzz with news of the Oscar nominations: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” got 13 nominations, one for each hour of running time.
If you haven’t seen it you should; it’s like “Forrest Gump” meets “Forrest Gump.”
President Barack Obama has been busy. Already he’s done more in two days than Bush did in his entire presidency.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During his inaugural address yesterday, Barack Obama said that the challenges we face are real. He said, “Millions of Americans have lost their homes, and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.”
Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin’s hat.
During one scary moment, a big gust of wind blew Aretha’s hat into the crowd and knocked down 19 people.
Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense — four years ago people had jobs to go to.
Conan O'Brien
After the inauguration, so many people were trying to leave Washington at once that Amtrak trains sold out. So apparently, Obama can perform miracles.
One of the first things Barack Obama did as president was he spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office. Shows you how things have changed — when President Bush spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time out.
In one of his first official acts as president, Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisers. Apparently it didn’t go very well because after the meeting Obama stole North and South Dakota.
President Bush is back home. When he returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding signs that said “You Made Us So Proud.” Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of signs that said “You Totally Embarrassed Us.”
Craig Ferguson
After a short hearing today, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern.
President Obama got a new limousine. They had to take out Bush’s favorite piece of technology — his PlayStation.
A new season of “Lost” kicked off today. It’s about a group of desperate people who are out of touch with the world . . . it’s based on the true story of the Republican Party.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am officially all inaugural ball-ed out.
After 10 inaugural balls, Obama was up and in the office e at 8:30 this morning, and then he went to church. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president he decided the best thing he could do for the country was pray?
President Bush is back in Texas — unemployed, much like the rest of the nation.
Jay Leno
During his inaugural address yesterday, Barack Obama said that the challenges we face are real. He said, “Millions of Americans have lost their homes, and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.”
Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin’s hat.
During one scary moment, a big gust of wind blew Aretha’s hat into the crowd and knocked down 19 people.
Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense — four years ago people had jobs to go to.
Conan O'Brien
After the inauguration, so many people were trying to leave Washington at once that Amtrak trains sold out. So apparently, Obama can perform miracles.
One of the first things Barack Obama did as president was he spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office. Shows you how things have changed — when President Bush spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time out.
In one of his first official acts as president, Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisers. Apparently it didn’t go very well because after the meeting Obama stole North and South Dakota.
President Bush is back home. When he returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding signs that said “You Made Us So Proud.” Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of signs that said “You Totally Embarrassed Us.”
Craig Ferguson
After a short hearing today, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern.
President Obama got a new limousine. They had to take out Bush’s favorite piece of technology — his PlayStation.
A new season of “Lost” kicked off today. It’s about a group of desperate people who are out of touch with the world . . . it’s based on the true story of the Republican Party.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am officially all inaugural ball-ed out.
After 10 inaugural balls, Obama was up and in the office e at 8:30 this morning, and then he went to church. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president he decided the best thing he could do for the country was pray?
President Bush is back in Texas — unemployed, much like the rest of the nation.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama now the 44th president of the United States. As you know, we have never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president; we've had an Irish-American president; we've even had an incompetent American president. But never an African-American.
John McCain was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again.
Obama gave a great speech. But he may have promised too much. Like when he promised to bring the dog from the "Marley & Me" movie back to life. That seemed over the top.
Every single TV network was covering the inauguration . . . except Fox; they’re still doing a recount.
Conan O'Brien
Two million people turned out in Washington to see the inauguration. I don’t think this many people have been so excited since they put cheese into pizza crust.
Some people got bored while waiting for the inauguration so they started doing the Electric Slide. Apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.
Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”
Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13.
Craig Ferguson
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the United States’ 44th president. He used his middle name, Hussein, when he was sworn in, so from now on, I will be using mine: Good evening. My name is Craig Susan Hairy Nipples Ferguson.
Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they have the time.
It was very emotional. The liberals in the crowd haven’t cried this much since they spilled their lattes in their Priuses.
President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn’t have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
What a day for America, and more importantly, what a day for Oprah.
Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.
Dick Cheney showed up to the inauguration in a wheel chair. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving, but I think the real reason is his legs have turned back to hooves.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama now the 44th president of the United States. As you know, we have never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president; we've had an Irish-American president; we've even had an incompetent American president. But never an African-American.
John McCain was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again.
Obama gave a great speech. But he may have promised too much. Like when he promised to bring the dog from the "Marley & Me" movie back to life. That seemed over the top.
Every single TV network was covering the inauguration . . . except Fox; they’re still doing a recount.
Conan O'Brien
Two million people turned out in Washington to see the inauguration. I don’t think this many people have been so excited since they put cheese into pizza crust.
Some people got bored while waiting for the inauguration so they started doing the Electric Slide. Apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.
Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”
Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13.
Craig Ferguson
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the United States’ 44th president. He used his middle name, Hussein, when he was sworn in, so from now on, I will be using mine: Good evening. My name is Craig Susan Hairy Nipples Ferguson.
Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they have the time.
It was very emotional. The liberals in the crowd haven’t cried this much since they spilled their lattes in their Priuses.
President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn’t have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
What a day for America, and more importantly, what a day for Oprah.
Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.
Dick Cheney showed up to the inauguration in a wheel chair. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving, but I think the real reason is his legs have turned back to hooves.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Tomorrow, Americans will get to hear those four words we’ve all been waiting to hear: “former President George Bush.”
President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high — because it’s the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.
This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. He spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to four bucks a gallon.
A lot of celebrities are in Washington for the inauguration. In fact, so many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu they had to close the Promises rehab center for the week.
Conan O'Brien
In exactly 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next president. I am not going to get excited — you’d be surprised how much President Bush could screw up in 12 hours.
He could launch an attack in the Bahamas.
Some people are angry that the inauguration festivities are going to cost $170 million. After hearing about it, Oprah said, “Don’t worry — this one’s on me.”
Obama held a dinner in honor of John McCain. You could tell it was for McCain because it was over at 4 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn’t it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?
I have inauguration fever. ‘Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse.
The whole country has inauguration fever — at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs.
Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room.
Jay Leno
Tomorrow, Americans will get to hear those four words we’ve all been waiting to hear: “former President George Bush.”
President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high — because it’s the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.
This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. He spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to four bucks a gallon.
A lot of celebrities are in Washington for the inauguration. In fact, so many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu they had to close the Promises rehab center for the week.
Conan O'Brien
In exactly 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next president. I am not going to get excited — you’d be surprised how much President Bush could screw up in 12 hours.
He could launch an attack in the Bahamas.
Some people are angry that the inauguration festivities are going to cost $170 million. After hearing about it, Oprah said, “Don’t worry — this one’s on me.”
Obama held a dinner in honor of John McCain. You could tell it was for McCain because it was over at 4 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn’t it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?
I have inauguration fever. ‘Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse.
The whole country has inauguration fever — at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs.
Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During President Bush’s farewell address, he said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right.
Now the real pressure is on. He only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina.
Barack Obama plans on issuing an executive order right away. He is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He says he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
Some Starbucks are going to be selling coffee from China. But don’t worry — you’ll still be able to get the unleaded.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervous
10. New slogan: "Yes we can . . . or maybe not, it's hard to say"
9. In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry
8. He's up to not smoking three packs a day
7. Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and . . . no, that's McCain
6. He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta
5. Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
4. Offered governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back
3. Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"
2. Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early
1. He demanded a recount
David Letterman
On this date in 1991, the U.S. attacked Iraq. I’m so glad that’s all behind us now.
Happy birthday to Michelle Obama. For her birthday, Barack is getting her a new house.
I’m not sure how this is going to go, but Barack Obama is moving his mother-in-law into the white House with him. I thought this was the guy who was going to do away with torture.
Obama had a busy day: he worked on the stimulus plan; had a classified intelligence meeting; met with congressional leaders . . . meanwhile, John McCain? He backed over his mailbox.
Craig Ferguson
How about Barack Obama’s new limousine? It’s a 100-foot long, heavily armored Cadillac . . . I think the real news here is that General Motors sold a car.
I’m actually surprised Obama has a limousine. I thought he’d go to work on a magical unicorn, galloping through traffic.
A new movie opened — “My Bloody Valentine 3-D.” It’s about trapped miners. That’s why Michael Jackson saw it three times already.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was really cold today: Iowa had a record low — 40 below zero. It was 17 below in Chicago. It got down to -50 in Maine. It was so cold in Maine, lobsters were asking to be boiled and dipped in melted butter.
It’s so cold in the Midwest, there are reports of people actually wearing the hideous sweaters they got for Christmas.
Lake Eerie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president.
Jay Leno
During President Bush’s farewell address, he said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right.
Now the real pressure is on. He only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina.
Barack Obama plans on issuing an executive order right away. He is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He says he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
Some Starbucks are going to be selling coffee from China. But don’t worry — you’ll still be able to get the unleaded.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervous
10. New slogan: "Yes we can . . . or maybe not, it's hard to say"
9. In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry
8. He's up to not smoking three packs a day
7. Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and . . . no, that's McCain
6. He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta
5. Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
4. Offered governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back
3. Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"
2. Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early
1. He demanded a recount
David Letterman
On this date in 1991, the U.S. attacked Iraq. I’m so glad that’s all behind us now.
Happy birthday to Michelle Obama. For her birthday, Barack is getting her a new house.
I’m not sure how this is going to go, but Barack Obama is moving his mother-in-law into the white House with him. I thought this was the guy who was going to do away with torture.
Obama had a busy day: he worked on the stimulus plan; had a classified intelligence meeting; met with congressional leaders . . . meanwhile, John McCain? He backed over his mailbox.
Craig Ferguson
How about Barack Obama’s new limousine? It’s a 100-foot long, heavily armored Cadillac . . . I think the real news here is that General Motors sold a car.
I’m actually surprised Obama has a limousine. I thought he’d go to work on a magical unicorn, galloping through traffic.
A new movie opened — “My Bloody Valentine 3-D.” It’s about trapped miners. That’s why Michael Jackson saw it three times already.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was really cold today: Iowa had a record low — 40 below zero. It was 17 below in Chicago. It got down to -50 in Maine. It was so cold in Maine, lobsters were asking to be boiled and dipped in melted butter.
It’s so cold in the Midwest, there are reports of people actually wearing the hideous sweaters they got for Christmas.
Lake Eerie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Bush: 'I Was Willing to Make Tough Decisions'
WASHINGTON – Unpopular but unbowed, President George W. Bush defended his tumultuous two terms in a farewell address to the nation Thursday night, claiming a series of successes at home and abroad. Reaching back to the Sept. 11 attacks, when the public rallied behind him, Bush declared the United States will "never tire, never falter and never fail."
Leaving office with the highest disapproval rating since Richard Nixon, Bush said, "You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made, but I hope you can agree that I was willing to make the tough decisions."
A bookend to eight years indelibly marked by terrorism, two wars and recessions, the brief speech offered Bush one last chance before he leaves office Tuesday to defend his presidency and craft a first draft of his legacy for historians. He spoke from the East Room of the White House with just 112 hours left in office.
It was his final public appearance until he greets President-elect Barack Obama on Inauguration Day at the White House's North Portico.
Bush called the inauguration of Obama, the first black president, a "moment of hope and pride" for America.
"Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose story reflects the enduring promise of our land," he said.
Bush's presidency began with the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil and ends with the worst economic collapse in three generations.
"Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we took decisive measures to safeguard our economy," he said. "These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted. All Americans are in this together. And together, with determination and hard work, we will restore our economy to the path of growth. We will show the world once again the resilience of America's free enterprise system."
An audience of about 200 people was assembled to listen to the speech at the White House. They include about 45 people chosen for their personal stories, a practice normally reserved for a State of the Union address. The venue was a break from farewell addresses by Presidents Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan, who spoke to the nation from the Oval Office.
"Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks," said Bush. "There are things I would do differently if given the chance. Yet I have always acted with the best interests of our country in mind. I have followed my conscience and done what I thought was right."
Bush also prodded the nation to lead the cause of freedom and maintain its "moral clarity" in what he described as a choice between good and evil.
"I have often spoken to you about good and evil," he added. "This has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two there can be no compromise."
Not all presidents give goodbye addresses. Bush's father, President George H.W. Bush, did not. But the president's advisers said Bush wanted to thank the nation for the opportunity to serve and defend his legacy in his own terms.
On national security, he highlighted his administration's efforts to equip the nation with new tools to monitor terrorists, freeze their finances and foil their plots. But he also acknowledged some of his controversial policies, including the terrorist surveillance program and harsh interrogation of suspected terrorists.
"There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions, but there can be little debate about the results," said Bush, who also reiterated his belief that spreading human liberty and freedom offers an alternative to extremism. "America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil."
Critics claim that while there has not been another attack on U.S. soil, the number of terrorist acts around the world has increased, Iran has gained influence in the Mideast, North Korea still hasn't verifiably declared its nuclear work, anti-Americanism abroad has emboldened extremists' recruitment efforts and a safe haven for terrorists remains along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.
Reflecting on Sept. 11, Bush warned Americans not to become complacent about the threat from terrorists.
"As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11, but I never did," Bush said. "Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. And I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe."
Trumpeting his domestic record, Bush said he has presided over higher standards in public schools, a new Medicare prescription drug benefit, lower income taxes, more help for people suffering from drug addiction and the appointment of two justices to the Supreme Court.
"We have faced danger and trial, and there is more ahead," Bush said as he passed off a huge set of challenges to Obama. "But with the courage of our people and confidence in our ideals, this great nation will never tire, never falter, and never fail."
WASHINGTON – Unpopular but unbowed, President George W. Bush defended his tumultuous two terms in a farewell address to the nation Thursday night, claiming a series of successes at home and abroad. Reaching back to the Sept. 11 attacks, when the public rallied behind him, Bush declared the United States will "never tire, never falter and never fail."
Leaving office with the highest disapproval rating since Richard Nixon, Bush said, "You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made, but I hope you can agree that I was willing to make the tough decisions."
A bookend to eight years indelibly marked by terrorism, two wars and recessions, the brief speech offered Bush one last chance before he leaves office Tuesday to defend his presidency and craft a first draft of his legacy for historians. He spoke from the East Room of the White House with just 112 hours left in office.
It was his final public appearance until he greets President-elect Barack Obama on Inauguration Day at the White House's North Portico.
Bush called the inauguration of Obama, the first black president, a "moment of hope and pride" for America.
"Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose story reflects the enduring promise of our land," he said.
Bush's presidency began with the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil and ends with the worst economic collapse in three generations.
"Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we took decisive measures to safeguard our economy," he said. "These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted. All Americans are in this together. And together, with determination and hard work, we will restore our economy to the path of growth. We will show the world once again the resilience of America's free enterprise system."
An audience of about 200 people was assembled to listen to the speech at the White House. They include about 45 people chosen for their personal stories, a practice normally reserved for a State of the Union address. The venue was a break from farewell addresses by Presidents Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan, who spoke to the nation from the Oval Office.
"Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks," said Bush. "There are things I would do differently if given the chance. Yet I have always acted with the best interests of our country in mind. I have followed my conscience and done what I thought was right."
Bush also prodded the nation to lead the cause of freedom and maintain its "moral clarity" in what he described as a choice between good and evil.
"I have often spoken to you about good and evil," he added. "This has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world, and between the two there can be no compromise."
Not all presidents give goodbye addresses. Bush's father, President George H.W. Bush, did not. But the president's advisers said Bush wanted to thank the nation for the opportunity to serve and defend his legacy in his own terms.
On national security, he highlighted his administration's efforts to equip the nation with new tools to monitor terrorists, freeze their finances and foil their plots. But he also acknowledged some of his controversial policies, including the terrorist surveillance program and harsh interrogation of suspected terrorists.
"There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions, but there can be little debate about the results," said Bush, who also reiterated his belief that spreading human liberty and freedom offers an alternative to extremism. "America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil."
Critics claim that while there has not been another attack on U.S. soil, the number of terrorist acts around the world has increased, Iran has gained influence in the Mideast, North Korea still hasn't verifiably declared its nuclear work, anti-Americanism abroad has emboldened extremists' recruitment efforts and a safe haven for terrorists remains along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border.
Reflecting on Sept. 11, Bush warned Americans not to become complacent about the threat from terrorists.
"As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11, but I never did," Bush said. "Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. And I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe."
Trumpeting his domestic record, Bush said he has presided over higher standards in public schools, a new Medicare prescription drug benefit, lower income taxes, more help for people suffering from drug addiction and the appointment of two justices to the Supreme Court.
"We have faced danger and trial, and there is more ahead," Bush said as he passed off a huge set of challenges to Obama. "But with the courage of our people and confidence in our ideals, this great nation will never tire, never falter, and never fail."
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Today, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-1 to approve Hillary Clinton as the next secretary of state. The one dissenting vote came from Republican Sen. David Vitter. He’s the guy who got caught with the hookers. Vitter said that out of force of habit, he can’t get behind a woman unless he pays her $300 first.
The incoming press secretary, Robert Gibbs, says that President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” are over. Actually, that’s not quite true; Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money: “Don’t ask us what we did with it; we are not going to tell you.”
At his confirmation hearing, Attorney General nominee Eric Holder said that as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said, “So is paying taxes.”
Geithner didn’t pay federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. He owed $34,000. But to keep his nomination afloat, he paid it this week — plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the U.S. Treasury made — just like that. You know what Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson as commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?
David Letterman
It’s cold outside. It’s so cold, Gov. Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair.
It’s so cold, Bernie Madoff was wearing bulletproof earmuffs.
So cold, Bernie Madoff swindled an elderly woman out of a scarf.
President-elect Barack Obama says he plans on closing Guantanamo Bay. Dick Cheney says, “Sure — I’m going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.”
Conan O'Brien
The New Kids on the Block announced that they will be appearing on a cruise ship. A cruise ship spokesman said, “What can we say? Good waiters are hard to find.”
The Army says they have increased recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. As a result, the Army is changing its slogan from “Army of One,” to “Army of One Who Looks Like Three or Four.”
In China, a panda has bitten a visitor for the third time in three years. People who saw the attack described it as horrifying and absolutely adorable.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It got down to 11 below in Chicago last night. You know what they say in the “Farmer’s Almanac,” the larger the Oprah, the colder the winter in Chicago.
In Columbus, Ohio, they declared a snow emergency. The snow is all the way up to the top of the foreclosure signs.
Here in L.A., we’re having a bit of a cold snap too. Yesterday, it was 85; today, it was down to 83. And they’re saying at this rate, by the weekend, it could get down to 79, so bundle up.
Jay Leno
Today, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-1 to approve Hillary Clinton as the next secretary of state. The one dissenting vote came from Republican Sen. David Vitter. He’s the guy who got caught with the hookers. Vitter said that out of force of habit, he can’t get behind a woman unless he pays her $300 first.
The incoming press secretary, Robert Gibbs, says that President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” are over. Actually, that’s not quite true; Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money: “Don’t ask us what we did with it; we are not going to tell you.”
At his confirmation hearing, Attorney General nominee Eric Holder said that as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said, “So is paying taxes.”
Geithner didn’t pay federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. He owed $34,000. But to keep his nomination afloat, he paid it this week — plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the U.S. Treasury made — just like that. You know what Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson as commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?
David Letterman
It’s cold outside. It’s so cold, Gov. Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair.
It’s so cold, Bernie Madoff was wearing bulletproof earmuffs.
So cold, Bernie Madoff swindled an elderly woman out of a scarf.
President-elect Barack Obama says he plans on closing Guantanamo Bay. Dick Cheney says, “Sure — I’m going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.”
Conan O'Brien
The New Kids on the Block announced that they will be appearing on a cruise ship. A cruise ship spokesman said, “What can we say? Good waiters are hard to find.”
The Army says they have increased recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. As a result, the Army is changing its slogan from “Army of One,” to “Army of One Who Looks Like Three or Four.”
In China, a panda has bitten a visitor for the third time in three years. People who saw the attack described it as horrifying and absolutely adorable.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It got down to 11 below in Chicago last night. You know what they say in the “Farmer’s Almanac,” the larger the Oprah, the colder the winter in Chicago.
In Columbus, Ohio, they declared a snow emergency. The snow is all the way up to the top of the foreclosure signs.
Here in L.A., we’re having a bit of a cold snap too. Yesterday, it was 85; today, it was down to 83. And they’re saying at this rate, by the weekend, it could get down to 79, so bundle up.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Al Jazeera Signs Deal to Air Throughout U.S.
NEW YORK - The Al Jazeera Network plans to announce on Thursday that it has signed a deal to run its news on Worldfocus, a syndicated nightly news program produced in New York and distributed throughout the United States.
The deal would help the international news network, one of the top services in the Arabic-speaking world, broaden its reach in the United States, where it so far has been available to only a limited audience.
Worldfocus, hosted by former NBC News correspondent Martin Savidge, is produced by New York City public broadcaster WLIW and syndicated to a number of Public Broadcasting Service affiliates, as well as other stations in 60 U.S. markets, including 27 of the top 30.
Al Jazeera declined to disclose terms of the deal.
The service's Arabic-language network is available in the United States through the DISH Network Corp. It has been trying to increase the distribution of its English- language network through cable television, but so far is available only in Washington, D.C., Toledo, Ohio and Burlington, Vermont.
One of its English-language programs, "Witness," reaches viewers through the LINK TV network, which is distributed by DISH Network and others.
Al Jazeera also is expanding its presence on the Internet, with a YouTube channel, a Twitter feed on the Gaza war and a free broadcast at an online service called Livestation.
The network, whose English broadcasts appear all over the world through deals with companies such as Singapore's SingTel and Hong Kong's PCCW, has started running ads in papers such as The Washington Post and The New York Times, advertising its Web presence with the slogan, "Find out what you're missing."
Al Jazeera has increased its marketing campaign, particularly during Israel's air-and-ground offensive into Gaza that began about three weeks ago.
It also plans to begin running ads in several weeks that a spokesman said will address misconceptions about the network in the United States. The U.S. government criticized the network for irresponsible and biased news reporting when the United States launched the 2003 war in Iraq.
NEW YORK - The Al Jazeera Network plans to announce on Thursday that it has signed a deal to run its news on Worldfocus, a syndicated nightly news program produced in New York and distributed throughout the United States.
The deal would help the international news network, one of the top services in the Arabic-speaking world, broaden its reach in the United States, where it so far has been available to only a limited audience.
Worldfocus, hosted by former NBC News correspondent Martin Savidge, is produced by New York City public broadcaster WLIW and syndicated to a number of Public Broadcasting Service affiliates, as well as other stations in 60 U.S. markets, including 27 of the top 30.
Al Jazeera declined to disclose terms of the deal.
The service's Arabic-language network is available in the United States through the DISH Network Corp. It has been trying to increase the distribution of its English- language network through cable television, but so far is available only in Washington, D.C., Toledo, Ohio and Burlington, Vermont.
One of its English-language programs, "Witness," reaches viewers through the LINK TV network, which is distributed by DISH Network and others.
Al Jazeera also is expanding its presence on the Internet, with a YouTube channel, a Twitter feed on the Gaza war and a free broadcast at an online service called Livestation.
The network, whose English broadcasts appear all over the world through deals with companies such as Singapore's SingTel and Hong Kong's PCCW, has started running ads in papers such as The Washington Post and The New York Times, advertising its Web presence with the slogan, "Find out what you're missing."
Al Jazeera has increased its marketing campaign, particularly during Israel's air-and-ground offensive into Gaza that began about three weeks ago.
It also plans to begin running ads in several weeks that a spokesman said will address misconceptions about the network in the United States. The U.S. government criticized the network for irresponsible and biased news reporting when the United States launched the 2003 war in Iraq.
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Obama says that one of the first things he’ll do as president is close down Guantanamo Bay. President Bush said, “That’s nothing — I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships . . .”
A spokesman for Obama says that the prisoners at Guantanamo will either be returned to their own countries or entered into the New York City cab drivers program.
Obama says that he wants to bring a “sense of accountability” to Washington. I have a better idea — why not bring some accountants to Washington?
Speaking of that, Obama’s new secretary of the Treasury nominee, Timothy Geithner has come up with a new plan to lower taxes: Don’t pay them.
David Letterman
It was cold today. So cold, people were throwing shoes at Al Gore.
Here’s a cold weather tip: Take your boxer shorts and put them in the microwave. It’s true. It’s a little tip I learned from Rosie O’Donnell.
Osama bin Laden has a new tape. They know it’s a recent tape, because in it he describes Salma Hayek as being smoking hot at the Golden Globes.
Plus the tape aired in its new 10 p.m. time slot.
Conan O'Brien
A severe cold front hit the East Coast today, with a wind-chill factor near zero. In fact, it’s so cold, thousands of people in New Jersey had to be treated for frozen mullet.
On the season premiere of “American Idol,” a contestant showed up in a bikini, tried to kiss Ryan Seacrest and said she wanted to have his children. Apparently this hasn’t happened to Seacrest since Clay Aiken was a contestant.
Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, “My favorite color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was answering the question, “What was your greatest achievement as president?”
President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told Obama that his biggest challenge will be “an enemy attack.” Specifically, Bush told Obama, “Keep your eye on Hillary.”
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study out that says too much caffeine can cause hallucinations. I think it’s true because I was at Starbucks today, and I hallucinated that a cup of coffee cost $4.
Then I hallucinated that the counter guy was trying to sell me a jazz CD at 7 o’clock in the damn morning.
Andy Rooney turned 90 years old today. Why is he so angry? He only works three minutes a week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has declared a state of emergency for Washington, D.C. Apparently, the president obtained information that on Tuesday, an unidentified black man was plotting to break into and actually live in the White house.
The president was on “Larry King” last night for a parting interview before he tries to find his way back home to Texas.
Larry King asked him if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.
It seems fitting that since he doesn’t know where our money, he shouldn’t know where his money is.
Jay Leno
Obama says that one of the first things he’ll do as president is close down Guantanamo Bay. President Bush said, “That’s nothing — I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships . . .”
A spokesman for Obama says that the prisoners at Guantanamo will either be returned to their own countries or entered into the New York City cab drivers program.
Obama says that he wants to bring a “sense of accountability” to Washington. I have a better idea — why not bring some accountants to Washington?
Speaking of that, Obama’s new secretary of the Treasury nominee, Timothy Geithner has come up with a new plan to lower taxes: Don’t pay them.
David Letterman
It was cold today. So cold, people were throwing shoes at Al Gore.
Here’s a cold weather tip: Take your boxer shorts and put them in the microwave. It’s true. It’s a little tip I learned from Rosie O’Donnell.
Osama bin Laden has a new tape. They know it’s a recent tape, because in it he describes Salma Hayek as being smoking hot at the Golden Globes.
Plus the tape aired in its new 10 p.m. time slot.
Conan O'Brien
A severe cold front hit the East Coast today, with a wind-chill factor near zero. In fact, it’s so cold, thousands of people in New Jersey had to be treated for frozen mullet.
On the season premiere of “American Idol,” a contestant showed up in a bikini, tried to kiss Ryan Seacrest and said she wanted to have his children. Apparently this hasn’t happened to Seacrest since Clay Aiken was a contestant.
Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, “My favorite color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was answering the question, “What was your greatest achievement as president?”
President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told Obama that his biggest challenge will be “an enemy attack.” Specifically, Bush told Obama, “Keep your eye on Hillary.”
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study out that says too much caffeine can cause hallucinations. I think it’s true because I was at Starbucks today, and I hallucinated that a cup of coffee cost $4.
Then I hallucinated that the counter guy was trying to sell me a jazz CD at 7 o’clock in the damn morning.
Andy Rooney turned 90 years old today. Why is he so angry? He only works three minutes a week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has declared a state of emergency for Washington, D.C. Apparently, the president obtained information that on Tuesday, an unidentified black man was plotting to break into and actually live in the White house.
The president was on “Larry King” last night for a parting interview before he tries to find his way back home to Texas.
Larry King asked him if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.
It seems fitting that since he doesn’t know where our money, he shouldn’t know where his money is.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of airtime on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. The White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet on what he’s going to do for the other 14 minutes.
I think President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard this job is going to be. Today he said he wanted to bring a “sense of accountability to Washington.” I think they realize actual accountability is never going to happen. So if you just bring a “sense” of it . . . that would be fantastic.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them. I think this qualifies as change he does not believe in.
During Hillary’s confirmation hearing, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, the guy who has caught with the hookers . . . he’s Mr. Ethics now, was concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's library deal. Then he had to leave when an aide told him, "Don’t forget your 3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper."
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of My Hall of Fame Baseball Career Presented By Jim Rice And Rickey Henderson
10. "Winning the MVP in 1978, and a Tony in 1983" (Jim Rice)
9. "I designed the first vibrating jockstrap" (Rickey Henderson)
8. "During the 1981 season I lost my glove and played an entire West Coast trip using a small box" (Jim Rice)
7. "All the free gum" (Rickey Henderson)
6. "I caught a squirrel in the outfield and the umps let me eat it" (Jim Rice)
5. "Being a Met, a Blue Jay, a Padre, a Dodger . . . Hell, even I can't remember all the teams I played for" (Rickey Henderson)
4. "Before every game, I ate the same meal: pancakes smothered in pine tar" (Jim Rice)
3. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Rickey Henderson)
2. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Jim Rice)
1. "I played with Jose Canseco and never got to inject anything in his ass" (Rickey Henderson)
David Letterman
Freezing cold today. Here’s how cold it was: Earlier today, President Bush said we misunderestimated Al Roker.
So cold, Bernie Madoff had his hands in his own pockets.
A judge has said that while awaiting trial, Madoff must remain confined to his penthouse apartment. His penthouse apartment. Does it get any harsher than that?
A lot of people say that’s getting off easy. But have you met his wife?
Conan O'Brien
Some people are worried because 3 million people are expected for Obama’s inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.
Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings for secretary of state began today. So by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor.
Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, "I never got to find out what HUD means."
In China, a 107-year-old woman who's never been married says she's finally ready to start looking for a husband. She said, "The last guy I dated built that wall."
Craig Ferguson
President Bush is giving his farewell speech tomorrow night. It will be on the three major networks. And NBC.
Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama yesterday. I thought, C’mon! He isn’t even in office yet! I don’t think these guys are angry — I think they just like fire.
It’s winter in Iran and they’re cold.
The Internet is full of men looking for dates for the inauguration. What ever happened to the Washington tradition of getting a hooker?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
One week left of President Bush. Yesterday he gave his final press conference. He’s never really been a fan of press conferences mainly because the press never really understood him . . . mostly because he makes up his own words.
Ann Coulter sat down with the ladies on “The View” to promote her new collection of irrational remarks.
All five co-hosts came at her collectively, and wisely, they all did it at once, so no one could understand anyone.
Jay Leno
President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of airtime on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. The White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet on what he’s going to do for the other 14 minutes.
I think President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard this job is going to be. Today he said he wanted to bring a “sense of accountability to Washington.” I think they realize actual accountability is never going to happen. So if you just bring a “sense” of it . . . that would be fantastic.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them. I think this qualifies as change he does not believe in.
During Hillary’s confirmation hearing, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, the guy who has caught with the hookers . . . he’s Mr. Ethics now, was concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's library deal. Then he had to leave when an aide told him, "Don’t forget your 3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper."
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of My Hall of Fame Baseball Career Presented By Jim Rice And Rickey Henderson
10. "Winning the MVP in 1978, and a Tony in 1983" (Jim Rice)
9. "I designed the first vibrating jockstrap" (Rickey Henderson)
8. "During the 1981 season I lost my glove and played an entire West Coast trip using a small box" (Jim Rice)
7. "All the free gum" (Rickey Henderson)
6. "I caught a squirrel in the outfield and the umps let me eat it" (Jim Rice)
5. "Being a Met, a Blue Jay, a Padre, a Dodger . . . Hell, even I can't remember all the teams I played for" (Rickey Henderson)
4. "Before every game, I ate the same meal: pancakes smothered in pine tar" (Jim Rice)
3. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Rickey Henderson)
2. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Jim Rice)
1. "I played with Jose Canseco and never got to inject anything in his ass" (Rickey Henderson)
David Letterman
Freezing cold today. Here’s how cold it was: Earlier today, President Bush said we misunderestimated Al Roker.
So cold, Bernie Madoff had his hands in his own pockets.
A judge has said that while awaiting trial, Madoff must remain confined to his penthouse apartment. His penthouse apartment. Does it get any harsher than that?
A lot of people say that’s getting off easy. But have you met his wife?
Conan O'Brien
Some people are worried because 3 million people are expected for Obama’s inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.
Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings for secretary of state began today. So by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor.
Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, "I never got to find out what HUD means."
In China, a 107-year-old woman who's never been married says she's finally ready to start looking for a husband. She said, "The last guy I dated built that wall."
Craig Ferguson
President Bush is giving his farewell speech tomorrow night. It will be on the three major networks. And NBC.
Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama yesterday. I thought, C’mon! He isn’t even in office yet! I don’t think these guys are angry — I think they just like fire.
It’s winter in Iran and they’re cold.
The Internet is full of men looking for dates for the inauguration. What ever happened to the Washington tradition of getting a hooker?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
One week left of President Bush. Yesterday he gave his final press conference. He’s never really been a fan of press conferences mainly because the press never really understood him . . . mostly because he makes up his own words.
Ann Coulter sat down with the ladies on “The View” to promote her new collection of irrational remarks.
All five co-hosts came at her collectively, and wisely, they all did it at once, so no one could understand anyone.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In an interview, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency were the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that what was just at Christmas dinner with his family.
All across the country, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad, the offices are overwhelmed and they can’t even function. I have an idea: Why don’t you hire more people?
The economy is bad. At the Golden Globes last night, a lot of actresses showed up wearing the same lips they had last year.
The economy is so bad, I saw Lou Dobbs eating at Taco Bell.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Tips For Making It In Hollywood (From Owen Wilson)
10. Stay positive; develop your craft . . . ah, who am I kidding? Work hard sucking up to rich idiots who can help your career
9. When someone sees one of my movies, I call them at home the next day to thank them
8. Four words: Pantene Moisture Renewal Shampoo
7. Don't hassle the Hoff
6. Make a sex tape. Folks love to see famous people doin' it
5. Here's what I did: I answered an ad in the newspaper for "movie stars"
4. Get yourself a sneezing monkey
3. Avoid taxes by declaring yourself a church
2. Don't miss a chance to shamelessly promote your work — and go see the hilarious new film "Marley & Me," now playing at a theater near you
1. Try to do something funny on Leno
David Letterman
It’s cold all over the country. So cold, in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich had to put the wind flaps down on his hair.
The temperature here in New York City is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.
Two more weeks and President Bush’s term will be finished. He had his final press conference — only three shoes were thrown.
It’s kind of sad about Bush . . . especially for us — we’ll have to start writing our own comedy again.
Conan O'Brien
Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln’s route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Obama’s making the trip three days early because it’s Amtrak and even he only has so much hope.
The Secret Service is saying that it’s not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry because President Clinton only sent two e-mails during his entire presidency. Apparently, both of Clinton’s e-mails had the subject line, “Yes, I WOULD like to hear more about natural male enhancement.”
Toyota is developing a miniature, environmentally friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and Panda blood.
A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there’s a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat.
Craig Ferguson
The Detroit Auto Show opened today. America’s automakers are showing off their latest cars. Unfortunately, they didn’t get as much of the bailout as they thought, so a ticket into the auto show costs $1.3 billion.
They’re putting bigger rear view mirrors on cars, which I think is terrible. People in L.A. already spend too much time looking in the mirror — putting on their makeup, checking their lipstick . . . the women are even worse.
What became of electric cars? They were here one minute, then they were gone . . . like parachute pants.
Jay Leno
In an interview, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency were the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that what was just at Christmas dinner with his family.
All across the country, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad, the offices are overwhelmed and they can’t even function. I have an idea: Why don’t you hire more people?
The economy is bad. At the Golden Globes last night, a lot of actresses showed up wearing the same lips they had last year.
The economy is so bad, I saw Lou Dobbs eating at Taco Bell.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Tips For Making It In Hollywood (From Owen Wilson)
10. Stay positive; develop your craft . . . ah, who am I kidding? Work hard sucking up to rich idiots who can help your career
9. When someone sees one of my movies, I call them at home the next day to thank them
8. Four words: Pantene Moisture Renewal Shampoo
7. Don't hassle the Hoff
6. Make a sex tape. Folks love to see famous people doin' it
5. Here's what I did: I answered an ad in the newspaper for "movie stars"
4. Get yourself a sneezing monkey
3. Avoid taxes by declaring yourself a church
2. Don't miss a chance to shamelessly promote your work — and go see the hilarious new film "Marley & Me," now playing at a theater near you
1. Try to do something funny on Leno
David Letterman
It’s cold all over the country. So cold, in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich had to put the wind flaps down on his hair.
The temperature here in New York City is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.
Two more weeks and President Bush’s term will be finished. He had his final press conference — only three shoes were thrown.
It’s kind of sad about Bush . . . especially for us — we’ll have to start writing our own comedy again.
Conan O'Brien
Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln’s route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Obama’s making the trip three days early because it’s Amtrak and even he only has so much hope.
The Secret Service is saying that it’s not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry because President Clinton only sent two e-mails during his entire presidency. Apparently, both of Clinton’s e-mails had the subject line, “Yes, I WOULD like to hear more about natural male enhancement.”
Toyota is developing a miniature, environmentally friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and Panda blood.
A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there’s a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat.
Craig Ferguson
The Detroit Auto Show opened today. America’s automakers are showing off their latest cars. Unfortunately, they didn’t get as much of the bailout as they thought, so a ticket into the auto show costs $1.3 billion.
They’re putting bigger rear view mirrors on cars, which I think is terrible. People in L.A. already spend too much time looking in the mirror — putting on their makeup, checking their lipstick . . . the women are even worse.
What became of electric cars? They were here one minute, then they were gone . . . like parachute pants.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Obama Breaks Pledge on Inauguration Donations
A full 90 percent of donations to fund Barack Obama’s Jan. 20 inauguration have come from well-heeled fundraisers — including Wall Street executives whose companies have received federal bailout money.
A total of 207 fundraisers have collected $24.8 million of the $27.3 million in donations disclosed by Obama through Thursday, according to an analysis by Public Citizen commissioned by The Wall Street Journal.
Slightly more than 2,000 donors accounted for the $27.3 million raised, but 378 of those people each contributed the maximum $50,000 allowed by Obama, raising almost 70 percent of the total, or $18.9 million, the analysis found.
Wall Street employees have been the largest single source of private donations, and many of the contributions have been channeled through financial-services executives who have put together bundles of donations worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“The preponderance of large donors and the fact that so many come from an industry receiving government handouts comes as the president-elect has sought to keep his inauguration free of special interests,” The Journal observed.
Bundlers from the financial sector include executives from Citigroup Inc. and Goldman Sachs Group Inc., two firms that have accepted billions of dollars each in bailout money from the federal government.
Obama’s presidential campaign smashed all previous fundraising records, raking in more than an astounding $650 million from some 3 million donors.
A full 90 percent of donations to fund Barack Obama’s Jan. 20 inauguration have come from well-heeled fundraisers — including Wall Street executives whose companies have received federal bailout money.
A total of 207 fundraisers have collected $24.8 million of the $27.3 million in donations disclosed by Obama through Thursday, according to an analysis by Public Citizen commissioned by The Wall Street Journal.
Slightly more than 2,000 donors accounted for the $27.3 million raised, but 378 of those people each contributed the maximum $50,000 allowed by Obama, raising almost 70 percent of the total, or $18.9 million, the analysis found.
Wall Street employees have been the largest single source of private donations, and many of the contributions have been channeled through financial-services executives who have put together bundles of donations worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.
“The preponderance of large donors and the fact that so many come from an industry receiving government handouts comes as the president-elect has sought to keep his inauguration free of special interests,” The Journal observed.
Bundlers from the financial sector include executives from Citigroup Inc. and Goldman Sachs Group Inc., two firms that have accepted billions of dollars each in bailout money from the federal government.
Obama’s presidential campaign smashed all previous fundraising records, raking in more than an astounding $650 million from some 3 million donors.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Cheney to Biden: Do What Your President Says
WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney is offering some advice to his successor, Joe Biden: make sure you know what the president wants you to do.
Cheney says that will determine what kind of meetings the vice president attends and what kind of policy matters the vice president gets involved in.
How influential is the vice president? Cheney says that depends almost entirely on the president and what he wants.
Cheney says being vice president is nothing like being senator. It's a combination of jobs, including being a surrogate for the president sometimes.
President-elect Barack Obama and longtime Delaware Sen. Biden take office on Jan. 20.
Cheney spoke on CNN's "Late Edition."
WASHINGTON – Vice President Dick Cheney is offering some advice to his successor, Joe Biden: make sure you know what the president wants you to do.
Cheney says that will determine what kind of meetings the vice president attends and what kind of policy matters the vice president gets involved in.
How influential is the vice president? Cheney says that depends almost entirely on the president and what he wants.
Cheney says being vice president is nothing like being senator. It's a combination of jobs, including being a surrogate for the president sometimes.
President-elect Barack Obama and longtime Delaware Sen. Biden take office on Jan. 20.
Cheney spoke on CNN's "Late Edition."
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Media Coverage 'Very Scary'
In an upcoming documentary, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin takes a swipe at what she calls “very scary” media coverage of her and her family, which she says exemplifies "a class issue" that explains the sympathetic treatment of New York Senate hopeful Caroline Kennedy.
The John Ziegler film, "Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected," will be released as a DVD next month and will feature a lengthy interview with Palin, who ran as the vice-presidential candidate of Republican presidential nominee John McCain against Democratic President-elect Barack Obama.
Palin "was assassinated by the media," Ziegler, who was a conservative radio talk show host before becoming a filmmaker, told the Washington Post.
Ziegler, who said Palin was "very concerned about appearing whiny" in the online documentary, said her speech to the Republican National Convention in September was “awesome” and "the fact that she's mocked is a travesty."
The portrayal of Palin in the press as "a diva or a whack job" was totally inappropriate, said Ziegler, pointing to a clip on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” of Palin impersonator Tina Fey saying, "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers," referring to the pending marriage of the Alaska governor’s daughter. In Ziegler’s film, Palin responds by saying, "Cool, fine, come attack me, but when you make a suggestion like that that attacks a kid, that kills me."
Other excerpts from the film that show Palin taking a swipe at the media include:
The CBS interview with Katie Couric that tried to poke fun at Palin's inability to cite which newspapers she reads. Palin tells Couric, "Katie, you're not the center of everyone's universe."
Palin complaining about coverage of the rumor that she is not the mother of her infant son, Trig. Palin calls the charge "quite absurd."
Palin saying, "When did we start accepting as hard news sources bloggers, anonymous bloggers especially? It's a sad state of affairs in the world of the media today, mainstream media especially, that they're going to rely on bloggers, anonymous bloggers, for their hard news information."
The intrusive coverage of Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, in which the media revealed her pregnancy.
An earlier report that appeared in People magazine, the Associated Press and the Anchorage Daily News claiming Bristol and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, are high school dropouts who are going to look for government handouts to raise their child.
Critical coverage of her Alaska record as governor, her qualifications to be vice president, questioning of how she could handle the job with five children, and her portrayal in the media as being a bit of a ditz.
The "kid gloves" approach to Caroline Kennedy's bid for an appointment to the U.S. Senate.
"What is the double standard here, why reporters would choose to believe lies, reporters especially not just taking one extra step to get to the facts," Palin asks. "Is it sexism? What is it that drives someone to believe the worst and perpetuate the worst, in terms of gossip and lies?"
In an upcoming documentary, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin takes a swipe at what she calls “very scary” media coverage of her and her family, which she says exemplifies "a class issue" that explains the sympathetic treatment of New York Senate hopeful Caroline Kennedy.
The John Ziegler film, "Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected," will be released as a DVD next month and will feature a lengthy interview with Palin, who ran as the vice-presidential candidate of Republican presidential nominee John McCain against Democratic President-elect Barack Obama.
Palin "was assassinated by the media," Ziegler, who was a conservative radio talk show host before becoming a filmmaker, told the Washington Post.
Ziegler, who said Palin was "very concerned about appearing whiny" in the online documentary, said her speech to the Republican National Convention in September was “awesome” and "the fact that she's mocked is a travesty."
The portrayal of Palin in the press as "a diva or a whack job" was totally inappropriate, said Ziegler, pointing to a clip on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” of Palin impersonator Tina Fey saying, "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers," referring to the pending marriage of the Alaska governor’s daughter. In Ziegler’s film, Palin responds by saying, "Cool, fine, come attack me, but when you make a suggestion like that that attacks a kid, that kills me."
Other excerpts from the film that show Palin taking a swipe at the media include:
The CBS interview with Katie Couric that tried to poke fun at Palin's inability to cite which newspapers she reads. Palin tells Couric, "Katie, you're not the center of everyone's universe."
Palin complaining about coverage of the rumor that she is not the mother of her infant son, Trig. Palin calls the charge "quite absurd."
Palin saying, "When did we start accepting as hard news sources bloggers, anonymous bloggers especially? It's a sad state of affairs in the world of the media today, mainstream media especially, that they're going to rely on bloggers, anonymous bloggers, for their hard news information."
The intrusive coverage of Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, in which the media revealed her pregnancy.
An earlier report that appeared in People magazine, the Associated Press and the Anchorage Daily News claiming Bristol and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, are high school dropouts who are going to look for government handouts to raise their child.
Critical coverage of her Alaska record as governor, her qualifications to be vice president, questioning of how she could handle the job with five children, and her portrayal in the media as being a bit of a ditz.
The "kid gloves" approach to Caroline Kennedy's bid for an appointment to the U.S. Senate.
"What is the double standard here, why reporters would choose to believe lies, reporters especially not just taking one extra step to get to the facts," Palin asks. "Is it sexism? What is it that drives someone to believe the worst and perpetuate the worst, in terms of gossip and lies?"
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
This week, the chief of staff of embattled Gov. Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on the issue of ethics in the workplace. How ironic is that? What, was Bernie Madoff unavailable?
Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. Apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person.
He held a press conference where he quoted British poet Tennyson. Which is weird, because usually he quotes the movie “Jerry Maguire” — “Show me the money!”
I don’t think he gets it — he said he already has a replacement governor picked out when he leaves.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your New Year Is Off To A Bad Start
10. It's Jan. 9, and there's still a fat guy passed out on your sofa from New Year's Eve
9. All the money you didn't lose in the Ponzi scheme, you bet on the Colts
8. Regis just moved in next door
7. Began year in emergency room having novelty "2009" glasses removed from your stomach
6. Your wife's resolution was to give up sex, with you
5. You're still sitting in your Y2K bunker
4. Company transferred you to an office in Gaza
3. Somali pirates just stole your Buick
2. Your cholesterol is higher than the stock market
1. It's Friday night and you're watching Letterman
David Letterman
Today is Richard Nixon’s birthday. Do you remember when he looked like a bad president?
George Bush, in a couple of weeks, will be out of office, and people are interviewing him, saying, “Mr. President, what are you going to do when you’re out of office?” Eight years of being president, what is he going to do? He says, “Well, I’m not sure . . . I’m hoping to find something to do where I’m just in up to my head.”
President-elect Obama is moving into Washington, D.C. His stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
Vice President Dick Cheney is leaving Washington, and he was busy packing. Today, he bubble-wrapped his waterboard.
Craig Ferguson
The Golden Globe Awards are this weekend. And you thought Wall Street was corrupt.
I might go to the movies this weekend. “Bride Wars” opens this weekend. It’s like “Star Wars” for the ladies.
It’s not a chick flick — by the way, “chick” is a sexist word. Women don’t like to be called “chicks.” They like to be called “broads,” or “dames.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rod Blagojevich was formally impeached on one charged of corruption and three charges of helmet hair.
He is remaining defiant. He held a press conference, and at the end of the conference, he twirled his hair like helicopter blades to fly far, far away.
A poll by a real estate Web site found that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was America’s No. 1 choice for celebrity neighbor. She even beat out Oprah. Which seems kind of crazy to me because if you lived next door to Oprah, your house might look like a mansion. If you live next door to Sarah Palin, your house might look like an igloo.
You might have seal skin for a bed. Not to mention, Oprah won’t shoot your pets.
Jay Leno
This week, the chief of staff of embattled Gov. Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on the issue of ethics in the workplace. How ironic is that? What, was Bernie Madoff unavailable?
Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. Apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person.
He held a press conference where he quoted British poet Tennyson. Which is weird, because usually he quotes the movie “Jerry Maguire” — “Show me the money!”
I don’t think he gets it — he said he already has a replacement governor picked out when he leaves.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your New Year Is Off To A Bad Start
10. It's Jan. 9, and there's still a fat guy passed out on your sofa from New Year's Eve
9. All the money you didn't lose in the Ponzi scheme, you bet on the Colts
8. Regis just moved in next door
7. Began year in emergency room having novelty "2009" glasses removed from your stomach
6. Your wife's resolution was to give up sex, with you
5. You're still sitting in your Y2K bunker
4. Company transferred you to an office in Gaza
3. Somali pirates just stole your Buick
2. Your cholesterol is higher than the stock market
1. It's Friday night and you're watching Letterman
David Letterman
Today is Richard Nixon’s birthday. Do you remember when he looked like a bad president?
George Bush, in a couple of weeks, will be out of office, and people are interviewing him, saying, “Mr. President, what are you going to do when you’re out of office?” Eight years of being president, what is he going to do? He says, “Well, I’m not sure . . . I’m hoping to find something to do where I’m just in up to my head.”
President-elect Obama is moving into Washington, D.C. His stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
Vice President Dick Cheney is leaving Washington, and he was busy packing. Today, he bubble-wrapped his waterboard.
Craig Ferguson
The Golden Globe Awards are this weekend. And you thought Wall Street was corrupt.
I might go to the movies this weekend. “Bride Wars” opens this weekend. It’s like “Star Wars” for the ladies.
It’s not a chick flick — by the way, “chick” is a sexist word. Women don’t like to be called “chicks.” They like to be called “broads,” or “dames.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rod Blagojevich was formally impeached on one charged of corruption and three charges of helmet hair.
He is remaining defiant. He held a press conference, and at the end of the conference, he twirled his hair like helicopter blades to fly far, far away.
A poll by a real estate Web site found that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was America’s No. 1 choice for celebrity neighbor. She even beat out Oprah. Which seems kind of crazy to me because if you lived next door to Oprah, your house might look like a mansion. If you live next door to Sarah Palin, your house might look like an igloo.
You might have seal skin for a bed. Not to mention, Oprah won’t shoot your pets.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Obama Administration Will Talk to Hamas
A leading British newspaper, quoting unnamed advisers to President-elect Barack Obama, reported late Thursday that the administration is willing to negotiate directly with Hamas, the Islamist group fighting Israel in Gaza that is considered a terrorist organization by the United States.
If true, the story in the Friday edition of the British Guardian newspaper represents a huge gamble by Obama in the early days of his adminstration.
A misstep will not only tarnish U.S. foreign policy, it could cause a serious breach between a new administration and Israel just as the Jewish state confronts a nuclear threat from Iran, one of Hamas’ chief sponsors. Politically, it could wreak huge damage among the Democrat’s Jewish base in the United States.
The paper describes these contacts as back-channel talks that would be initiated by U.S. intelligence officials, presumably the CIA, which has forged contacts in the past with the Palestinian Fatah government in the West Bank.
“There is no talk of Obama approving direct diplomatic negotiations with Hamas early on, but he is being urged by advisers to initiate low-level or clandestine approaches, and there is growing recognition in Washington that the policy of ostracizing Hamas is counter-productive,” the story says. “A tested course would be to start contacts through Hamas and the US intelligence services, similar to the secret process through which the US engaged with the PLO in the 1970s. Israel did not become aware of the contacts until much later.”
The story quotes Bruce Hoffman, a leading terrorism analyst at Georgetown University, as expressing skepticism that the new administration would take such a risky step with one of the most unpredictable, intransigent guerrilla movements in the world. Hamas has never recognized the right of Israel to exist, and during a so-called truce lasting months they continued to fire rockets at towns and cities in southern Israel. The 13-day-long Israeli incursion came only after Hamas announced their truce period was over.
Hoffman said it was unlikely that Obama would move to initiate contacts with Hamas unless the radical faction in Damascus was crippled by the conflict in Gaza. "This would really be dependent on Hamas's military wing having suffered a real, almost decisive, drubbing."
Israeli officials have not responded to the article, but writing Friday in The Jerusalem Post, Gerald Steinberg, a leading Israeli defense expert, noted that Hamas has not even cooperated with Arab governments.
“In Gaza, for the three years following the Israeli disengagement, Egypt has failed to stop Hamas from acquiring weapons, and numerous summits in Cairo involving top Hamas leaders have had no visible impact,” Steinberg wrote. “Whether this is due to the weakness of the regime or ambivalence regarding the relationship with Israel is unclear, but to be taken seriously, Egypt must clearly demonstrate that it can provide more than rhetoric.”
As for the United States, it’s the only dependable ally and honest broker that Israel has in its corner, Steinberg wrote.
“America remains the indispensable country, and the only potential power that can give credibility to a stable and serious cease-fire agreement,” Steinberg wrote. “But America is overstretched in Iraq and Afghanistan, and involvement in Gaza would be limited to technical advisers on detecting and blowing up the tunnels under the Philadelphi corridor used to smuggle missiles.”
A leading British newspaper, quoting unnamed advisers to President-elect Barack Obama, reported late Thursday that the administration is willing to negotiate directly with Hamas, the Islamist group fighting Israel in Gaza that is considered a terrorist organization by the United States.
If true, the story in the Friday edition of the British Guardian newspaper represents a huge gamble by Obama in the early days of his adminstration.
A misstep will not only tarnish U.S. foreign policy, it could cause a serious breach between a new administration and Israel just as the Jewish state confronts a nuclear threat from Iran, one of Hamas’ chief sponsors. Politically, it could wreak huge damage among the Democrat’s Jewish base in the United States.
The paper describes these contacts as back-channel talks that would be initiated by U.S. intelligence officials, presumably the CIA, which has forged contacts in the past with the Palestinian Fatah government in the West Bank.
“There is no talk of Obama approving direct diplomatic negotiations with Hamas early on, but he is being urged by advisers to initiate low-level or clandestine approaches, and there is growing recognition in Washington that the policy of ostracizing Hamas is counter-productive,” the story says. “A tested course would be to start contacts through Hamas and the US intelligence services, similar to the secret process through which the US engaged with the PLO in the 1970s. Israel did not become aware of the contacts until much later.”
The story quotes Bruce Hoffman, a leading terrorism analyst at Georgetown University, as expressing skepticism that the new administration would take such a risky step with one of the most unpredictable, intransigent guerrilla movements in the world. Hamas has never recognized the right of Israel to exist, and during a so-called truce lasting months they continued to fire rockets at towns and cities in southern Israel. The 13-day-long Israeli incursion came only after Hamas announced their truce period was over.
Hoffman said it was unlikely that Obama would move to initiate contacts with Hamas unless the radical faction in Damascus was crippled by the conflict in Gaza. "This would really be dependent on Hamas's military wing having suffered a real, almost decisive, drubbing."
Israeli officials have not responded to the article, but writing Friday in The Jerusalem Post, Gerald Steinberg, a leading Israeli defense expert, noted that Hamas has not even cooperated with Arab governments.
“In Gaza, for the three years following the Israeli disengagement, Egypt has failed to stop Hamas from acquiring weapons, and numerous summits in Cairo involving top Hamas leaders have had no visible impact,” Steinberg wrote. “Whether this is due to the weakness of the regime or ambivalence regarding the relationship with Israel is unclear, but to be taken seriously, Egypt must clearly demonstrate that it can provide more than rhetoric.”
As for the United States, it’s the only dependable ally and honest broker that Israel has in its corner, Steinberg wrote.
“America remains the indispensable country, and the only potential power that can give credibility to a stable and serious cease-fire agreement,” Steinberg wrote. “But America is overstretched in Iraq and Afghanistan, and involvement in Gaza would be limited to technical advisers on detecting and blowing up the tunnels under the Philadelphi corridor used to smuggle missiles.”
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy in the military, to allow gays to openly serve. Let me tell you something: If someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch “Dancing With the Stars” openly.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe at President Bush.
It's so bad, a friend of mine started a Ponzi scheme — and lost money.
The economy is so bad, today the tooth fairy was handing out tubes of crazy glue and telling kids, “You’re on your own.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy
10. Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon
9. End our dependence on foreign owls
8. Sell New Mexico to Mexico
7. Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!
6. Rent out the moon for weddings and bar mitzvahs
5. Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch
4. Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase
3. Bail out the adult film industry — not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt
2. Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China
1. Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!
David Letterman
A couple of days ago, there were UFO sightings in New Jersey. But don’t worry, it’s not an invasion — they were just looking for a place to dump a body.
The aliens were just here looking for some of that bailout money.
I sent in early for tickets for the Obama inauguration, but I got lousy seats anyway. I’m right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich.
Each president gets to add his own little touches, his own little signature features. For the Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free.
Conan O'Brien
President-elect Obama gave a major economic speech today. He said that Americans will be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, “Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.”
During his speech, Obama said, “It will be too late to change course if we don’t take dramatic action as soon as possible.” Then Obama said the same thing is true about NBC’s primetime lineup.
On Inauguration Day, Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. The parade route is only five miles long, so GM says that Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.
The National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Remember when Barack Obama said that there could only be one president at a time? Turns out he meant him.
The first lady was showing off a new set of plates she just got. They are gold rimmed, official state china that cost $493,000 . . . but don’t worry — it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics.
She was going to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came — which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA.
You can’t trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate. His does come with a sippy cup, though.
Jay Leno
Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy in the military, to allow gays to openly serve. Let me tell you something: If someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch “Dancing With the Stars” openly.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe at President Bush.
It's so bad, a friend of mine started a Ponzi scheme — and lost money.
The economy is so bad, today the tooth fairy was handing out tubes of crazy glue and telling kids, “You’re on your own.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy
10. Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon
9. End our dependence on foreign owls
8. Sell New Mexico to Mexico
7. Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!
6. Rent out the moon for weddings and bar mitzvahs
5. Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch
4. Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase
3. Bail out the adult film industry — not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt
2. Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China
1. Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!
David Letterman
A couple of days ago, there were UFO sightings in New Jersey. But don’t worry, it’s not an invasion — they were just looking for a place to dump a body.
The aliens were just here looking for some of that bailout money.
I sent in early for tickets for the Obama inauguration, but I got lousy seats anyway. I’m right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich.
Each president gets to add his own little touches, his own little signature features. For the Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free.
Conan O'Brien
President-elect Obama gave a major economic speech today. He said that Americans will be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, “Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.”
During his speech, Obama said, “It will be too late to change course if we don’t take dramatic action as soon as possible.” Then Obama said the same thing is true about NBC’s primetime lineup.
On Inauguration Day, Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. The parade route is only five miles long, so GM says that Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.
The National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Remember when Barack Obama said that there could only be one president at a time? Turns out he meant him.
The first lady was showing off a new set of plates she just got. They are gold rimmed, official state china that cost $493,000 . . . but don’t worry — it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics.
She was going to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came — which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA.
You can’t trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate. His does come with a sippy cup, though.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Pelosi's Power Grab: Her Plan to Shackle the GOP
Republican Rep. Roy Blunt tells Newsmax that rule changes pushed through the House on Tuesday by the Democratic majority leave “the deck stacked to shove a Speaker Pelosi agenda through the House.”
The former Minority Whip from Missouri also declared that the changes are an “absolute contradiction to everything Barack Obama said” about nonpartisan politics during the campaign.
One change puts new restrictions on motions to “recommit” a bill to the committee that approved it in order to add new amendments.
The new rule allows the full House to reconsider a bill without delay, depriving the minority party of an opportunity to add its input on the proposed legislation.
“These changes that the majority’s made are truly going to have negative effects on moving a positive agenda forward,” Rep. Blunt told Newsmax’s Ashley Martella.
“They silenced the minority’s ability, in this case the Republicans’ ability, to bring other ideas to the floor.
“We used rules that had been in the rules package for at least a hundred years to maximum advantage in a way that brought other alternatives to the floor, that were used to take bills off the floor when they couldn’t defeat our efforts to send a bill back to committee…
“These tools of the motion to recommit, particularly the motion to recommit where the committee actually did have to look at the legislation again, were incredibly helpful to us and have now been taken away.
“These rules were put in place so that the minority would always have a chance to bring their ideas to the floor and even send a bill back to committee. Over and over again we were able to do that in the last Congress and apparently that was enough for Speaker Pelosi, and so this hundred-year-old precedent has been broken…
“This is a use of their power that appears to be in absolute contradiction to everything the next president said he wanted to do in Washington, and we’ll see if he’s the Barack Obama who ran for president and tries to make his party do the same, or the Barack Obama who was very comfortable being part of the Illinois political machine and never defied the party in any way.”
Martella cited another rules change enacted Tuesday, which eliminates the six-year term limit for committee chairmen.
Blunt called the move “a major reversal of the last dozen years of Republican majority,” which “further consolidates power in the hands of a few people and frankly makes more people have to go along with a very few leaders.”
Martella pointed out that when Republicans took over Congress in 1994 in the Newt Gingrich revolution, they offered conciliatory gestures to the Democrats regarding input and participation. “Now with what Pelosi has done, does it make the GOP upset with itself for playing Mr. Nice Guy back then?” he asked.
Said Blunt: “Well, it’s just the opposite certainly of what we did. I think the difference was that Republicans were confident in the 1995 Congress, and frankly for a dozen years, in our ideas and we were willing to let those ideas be challenged in the debate, to be challenged in the marketplace of ideas.
“One thing we saw in the Pelosi leadership in the last Congress was that if you’re not willing to let your ideas be challenged on the House floor, they probably didn’t have much of a chance of becoming law.
“Now in this Congress, with a Senate that’s much more inclined to agree with Nancy Pelosi and a president who’s more inclined to agree with the Speaker, they may be able to get their bills passed into law anyway.”
Asked if there are steps the GOP can take to counter these moves, Blunt said: “At the end of the day there’s not a lot Republicans can do.
“Clearly the deck is pretty well stacked to shove a Speaker Pelosi agenda through the House, and we’ll see if that’s also a Barack Obama agenda as it goes to the Senate.”
Republican Rep. Roy Blunt tells Newsmax that rule changes pushed through the House on Tuesday by the Democratic majority leave “the deck stacked to shove a Speaker Pelosi agenda through the House.”
The former Minority Whip from Missouri also declared that the changes are an “absolute contradiction to everything Barack Obama said” about nonpartisan politics during the campaign.
One change puts new restrictions on motions to “recommit” a bill to the committee that approved it in order to add new amendments.
The new rule allows the full House to reconsider a bill without delay, depriving the minority party of an opportunity to add its input on the proposed legislation.
“These changes that the majority’s made are truly going to have negative effects on moving a positive agenda forward,” Rep. Blunt told Newsmax’s Ashley Martella.
“They silenced the minority’s ability, in this case the Republicans’ ability, to bring other ideas to the floor.
“We used rules that had been in the rules package for at least a hundred years to maximum advantage in a way that brought other alternatives to the floor, that were used to take bills off the floor when they couldn’t defeat our efforts to send a bill back to committee…
“These tools of the motion to recommit, particularly the motion to recommit where the committee actually did have to look at the legislation again, were incredibly helpful to us and have now been taken away.
“These rules were put in place so that the minority would always have a chance to bring their ideas to the floor and even send a bill back to committee. Over and over again we were able to do that in the last Congress and apparently that was enough for Speaker Pelosi, and so this hundred-year-old precedent has been broken…
“This is a use of their power that appears to be in absolute contradiction to everything the next president said he wanted to do in Washington, and we’ll see if he’s the Barack Obama who ran for president and tries to make his party do the same, or the Barack Obama who was very comfortable being part of the Illinois political machine and never defied the party in any way.”
Martella cited another rules change enacted Tuesday, which eliminates the six-year term limit for committee chairmen.
Blunt called the move “a major reversal of the last dozen years of Republican majority,” which “further consolidates power in the hands of a few people and frankly makes more people have to go along with a very few leaders.”
Martella pointed out that when Republicans took over Congress in 1994 in the Newt Gingrich revolution, they offered conciliatory gestures to the Democrats regarding input and participation. “Now with what Pelosi has done, does it make the GOP upset with itself for playing Mr. Nice Guy back then?” he asked.
Said Blunt: “Well, it’s just the opposite certainly of what we did. I think the difference was that Republicans were confident in the 1995 Congress, and frankly for a dozen years, in our ideas and we were willing to let those ideas be challenged in the debate, to be challenged in the marketplace of ideas.
“One thing we saw in the Pelosi leadership in the last Congress was that if you’re not willing to let your ideas be challenged on the House floor, they probably didn’t have much of a chance of becoming law.
“Now in this Congress, with a Senate that’s much more inclined to agree with Nancy Pelosi and a president who’s more inclined to agree with the Speaker, they may be able to get their bills passed into law anyway.”
Asked if there are steps the GOP can take to counter these moves, Blunt said: “At the end of the day there’s not a lot Republicans can do.
“Clearly the deck is pretty well stacked to shove a Speaker Pelosi agenda through the House, and we’ll see if that’s also a Barack Obama agenda as it goes to the Senate.”
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Gov. Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. In an interview today, Blagojevich said, “If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the wrong planet.” That would explain his Klingon helmet hair.
President Bush has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. They are now totally protected areas. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil.
Joe the plumber is now going to the Mideast as a war correspondent for a conservative Web site. On one hand, he’s not really a war correspondent . . . on the other hand, he’s not really a plumber either. Why not?
An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse says that Amy smokes crack for breakfast. Isn’t that unbelievable? Amy is up in time for breakfast? That’s hard to believe.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10. "Sorry . . you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9. "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8. "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7. "You guys wanna see 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6. "Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5. "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4. "Kissey kissey"
3. "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2. "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1. "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"
David Letterman
The murder rate is up in New York City — I knew we were making a comeback.
The Army is now accepting overweight recruits. You know you’re overweight when you see a Domino’s guy crawl into your fox hole.
Barack Obama wants TV doctor Sanjay Gupta to be the next surgeon general. Wait a minute — isn’t that the kid from “American Idol?”
The decision was hard for Obama: It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil, and a guy from “Scrubs.”
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting “an extraordinary gathering.” In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos.
Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date.
On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because nothing says hope for the future like General Motors.
The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good since he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.
Craig Ferguson
Very bad news today: The porn industry is asking for a $5 billion bailout. Gives a whole new meaning to “give it to me!”
They say things are so bad, some porn stars are being forced to deliver actual pizzas.
This whole porn collapse would never have happened under Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!”
There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread.
Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned.
Jay Leno
Gov. Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. In an interview today, Blagojevich said, “If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the wrong planet.” That would explain his Klingon helmet hair.
President Bush has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. They are now totally protected areas. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil.
Joe the plumber is now going to the Mideast as a war correspondent for a conservative Web site. On one hand, he’s not really a war correspondent . . . on the other hand, he’s not really a plumber either. Why not?
An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse says that Amy smokes crack for breakfast. Isn’t that unbelievable? Amy is up in time for breakfast? That’s hard to believe.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10. "Sorry . . you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9. "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8. "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7. "You guys wanna see 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6. "Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5. "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4. "Kissey kissey"
3. "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2. "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1. "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"
David Letterman
The murder rate is up in New York City — I knew we were making a comeback.
The Army is now accepting overweight recruits. You know you’re overweight when you see a Domino’s guy crawl into your fox hole.
Barack Obama wants TV doctor Sanjay Gupta to be the next surgeon general. Wait a minute — isn’t that the kid from “American Idol?”
The decision was hard for Obama: It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil, and a guy from “Scrubs.”
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting “an extraordinary gathering.” In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos.
Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date.
On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because nothing says hope for the future like General Motors.
The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good since he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.
Craig Ferguson
Very bad news today: The porn industry is asking for a $5 billion bailout. Gives a whole new meaning to “give it to me!”
They say things are so bad, some porn stars are being forced to deliver actual pizzas.
This whole porn collapse would never have happened under Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!”
There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread.
Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Norm Coleman Vows to Battle Al Franken In Court
Declaring “the eyes of the nation are on Minnesota,” incumbent Sen. Norm Coleman pledged Tuesday afternoon to file a lawsuit and continue his Senate reelection battle in the courts.
In his first public remarks since Monday’s certification of Democratic challenger Al Franken as the winner of the Senate recount in Minnesota, Coleman spoke to the media in St. Paul, Minn., shortly before 4 p.m. Eastern time.
“The eyes of the nation are on Minnesota and we need to show them we’ve done everything we can to make sure every vote counts,” Coleman said.
In a brief but spirited news conference, Coleman also rebuffed a call by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., for him to concede the race to Franken.
“This race will be determined by Minnesota voters, not by Harry Reid,” Coleman said.
The Republican again voiced confidence that he will ultimately emerge the winner.
“I believe I’m going to win,” he said to the rousing applause of supporters crowding around him. “I believe I won on Election Night.”
After apparently leading the race by 725 votes, Coleman was declared the loser to Franken by the razor-thin recount margin of 225 votes out of nearly 3 million ballots cast.
Coleman’s legal team has objected that 654 absentee ballots from precincts generally favoring the incumbent Republican should have been counted. The campaign is also concerned that as many as 150 ballots may have been counted twice.
By state law, authorities cannot certify Franken’s reported victory until seven days have passed to provide time for legal challenges to be filed. The election cannot be certified until all legal options have been exhausted.
"We are filing this contest to make absolutely sure every valid vote was counted and no one's was counted more than anyone else's," Coleman said.
He added that it is important that the eventual winner of the race has the full confidence of voters.
“I just want to make sure the ballots cast in this election were counted fairly, counted once, and with a uniform standard,” Coleman said.
Coleman’s election lawsuit will be heard by a three-judge panel to be selected by Chief Justice Eric Magnuson of the state Supreme Court, who was appointed to that office by GOP Gov. Tim Pawlenty.
Assuming a Democrat is eventually seated to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the Senate, a Franken win would leave Senate Democrats and the Obama administration just a single vote shy of being able to cut off debate on Senate legislation anytime they wish.
Declaring “the eyes of the nation are on Minnesota,” incumbent Sen. Norm Coleman pledged Tuesday afternoon to file a lawsuit and continue his Senate reelection battle in the courts.
In his first public remarks since Monday’s certification of Democratic challenger Al Franken as the winner of the Senate recount in Minnesota, Coleman spoke to the media in St. Paul, Minn., shortly before 4 p.m. Eastern time.
“The eyes of the nation are on Minnesota and we need to show them we’ve done everything we can to make sure every vote counts,” Coleman said.
In a brief but spirited news conference, Coleman also rebuffed a call by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., for him to concede the race to Franken.
“This race will be determined by Minnesota voters, not by Harry Reid,” Coleman said.
The Republican again voiced confidence that he will ultimately emerge the winner.
“I believe I’m going to win,” he said to the rousing applause of supporters crowding around him. “I believe I won on Election Night.”
After apparently leading the race by 725 votes, Coleman was declared the loser to Franken by the razor-thin recount margin of 225 votes out of nearly 3 million ballots cast.
Coleman’s legal team has objected that 654 absentee ballots from precincts generally favoring the incumbent Republican should have been counted. The campaign is also concerned that as many as 150 ballots may have been counted twice.
By state law, authorities cannot certify Franken’s reported victory until seven days have passed to provide time for legal challenges to be filed. The election cannot be certified until all legal options have been exhausted.
"We are filing this contest to make absolutely sure every valid vote was counted and no one's was counted more than anyone else's," Coleman said.
He added that it is important that the eventual winner of the race has the full confidence of voters.
“I just want to make sure the ballots cast in this election were counted fairly, counted once, and with a uniform standard,” Coleman said.
Coleman’s election lawsuit will be heard by a three-judge panel to be selected by Chief Justice Eric Magnuson of the state Supreme Court, who was appointed to that office by GOP Gov. Tim Pawlenty.
Assuming a Democrat is eventually seated to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the Senate, a Franken win would leave Senate Democrats and the Obama administration just a single vote shy of being able to cut off debate on Senate legislation anytime they wish.
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In an interview with The Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. I was stunned by that. He gets driven around in a limo; he's surrounded by bodyguards; he shot a guy in the face . . . he is a rap star!
President-elect Barack Obama has named former Clinton chief of staff, Leon Panetta, to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are already criticizing this because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush.
In an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prize collection of over 250 autographed baseballs . . . which would be very impressive if he were 10.
A German billionaire committed suicide Monday because the financial crisis has reduced his wealth from $13 billion to $9.2 billion dollars. Well who could blame the guy? He's expected to live on $9.2 billion? The man's gotta eat!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions
10. Sup?
9. Are you a cop?
8. Where's the husky section?
7. May I call you Mommy?
6. If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make a denture adhesive without the unpleasant aftertaste?
5. Why won't Regis shut up?
4. What does it sound like when a monkey sneezes?
3. Kissey kissey?
2. If I enjoy anonymous airport men's room sex, does that make me gay?
1. Is it January 20th yet?
David Letterman
A lot of shows are closing on Broadway. "Grease?" Gone. "Hairspray?" Gone. If you want to see "Grease" or "Hairspray," you’ll have to go see that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
"Spamalot" has closed, too. Don’t be confused by "Scam-a-Lot," though. "Scam-a-Lot" is the musical about Bernie Madoff.
First lady Laura Bush is writing a memoir. I’m going to buy it. I think it’s called, “I’m With Stupid.”
Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter, and former President Bill Clinton. At least that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession, and he described the economy as “very sick.” Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem — but still the smartest thing they’ve heard a president say in eight years.
Because of the bad U.S. economy, many Broadway producers have started taking their musicals to China. In a related story, the entire cast of "Cats" has been eaten.
Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Which explains why today they passed three bills and four gallstones.
A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right Middle East — a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s a new year, and I am proud to be named the new senator of Illinois. I am still writing 2008 on my checks to Gov. Blagojevich, though.
Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive private school in Washington, D.C. Someone got a hold of the school’s lunch menu . . . for one day, there’s “local pumpkin and sage soup” and “roasted butternut squash.” While that may seem like a bit much for 7- and 8-year-old kids, I was looking over their wine list, and it was very reasonably priced.
What would you recommend with Funyions? A Chablis?
Jay Leno
In an interview with The Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. I was stunned by that. He gets driven around in a limo; he's surrounded by bodyguards; he shot a guy in the face . . . he is a rap star!
President-elect Barack Obama has named former Clinton chief of staff, Leon Panetta, to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are already criticizing this because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush.
In an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prize collection of over 250 autographed baseballs . . . which would be very impressive if he were 10.
A German billionaire committed suicide Monday because the financial crisis has reduced his wealth from $13 billion to $9.2 billion dollars. Well who could blame the guy? He's expected to live on $9.2 billion? The man's gotta eat!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions
10. Sup?
9. Are you a cop?
8. Where's the husky section?
7. May I call you Mommy?
6. If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make a denture adhesive without the unpleasant aftertaste?
5. Why won't Regis shut up?
4. What does it sound like when a monkey sneezes?
3. Kissey kissey?
2. If I enjoy anonymous airport men's room sex, does that make me gay?
1. Is it January 20th yet?
David Letterman
A lot of shows are closing on Broadway. "Grease?" Gone. "Hairspray?" Gone. If you want to see "Grease" or "Hairspray," you’ll have to go see that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
"Spamalot" has closed, too. Don’t be confused by "Scam-a-Lot," though. "Scam-a-Lot" is the musical about Bernie Madoff.
First lady Laura Bush is writing a memoir. I’m going to buy it. I think it’s called, “I’m With Stupid.”
Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter, and former President Bill Clinton. At least that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession, and he described the economy as “very sick.” Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem — but still the smartest thing they’ve heard a president say in eight years.
Because of the bad U.S. economy, many Broadway producers have started taking their musicals to China. In a related story, the entire cast of "Cats" has been eaten.
Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Which explains why today they passed three bills and four gallstones.
A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right Middle East — a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s a new year, and I am proud to be named the new senator of Illinois. I am still writing 2008 on my checks to Gov. Blagojevich, though.
Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive private school in Washington, D.C. Someone got a hold of the school’s lunch menu . . . for one day, there’s “local pumpkin and sage soup” and “roasted butternut squash.” While that may seem like a bit much for 7- and 8-year-old kids, I was looking over their wine list, and it was very reasonably priced.
What would you recommend with Funyions? A Chablis?
