Thursday, January 22, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During his inaugural address yesterday, Barack Obama said that the challenges we face are real. He said, “Millions of Americans have lost their homes, and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.”
Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin’s hat.
During one scary moment, a big gust of wind blew Aretha’s hat into the crowd and knocked down 19 people.
Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense — four years ago people had jobs to go to.
Conan O'Brien
After the inauguration, so many people were trying to leave Washington at once that Amtrak trains sold out. So apparently, Obama can perform miracles.
One of the first things Barack Obama did as president was he spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office. Shows you how things have changed — when President Bush spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time out.
In one of his first official acts as president, Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisers. Apparently it didn’t go very well because after the meeting Obama stole North and South Dakota.
President Bush is back home. When he returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding signs that said “You Made Us So Proud.” Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of signs that said “You Totally Embarrassed Us.”
Craig Ferguson
After a short hearing today, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern.
President Obama got a new limousine. They had to take out Bush’s favorite piece of technology — his PlayStation.
A new season of “Lost” kicked off today. It’s about a group of desperate people who are out of touch with the world . . . it’s based on the true story of the Republican Party.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am officially all inaugural ball-ed out.
After 10 inaugural balls, Obama was up and in the office e at 8:30 this morning, and then he went to church. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president he decided the best thing he could do for the country was pray?
President Bush is back in Texas — unemployed, much like the rest of the nation.
Jay Leno
During his inaugural address yesterday, Barack Obama said that the challenges we face are real. He said, “Millions of Americans have lost their homes, and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.”
Barack Obama said his first act as president will be to pardon Aretha Franklin’s hat.
During one scary moment, a big gust of wind blew Aretha’s hat into the crowd and knocked down 19 people.
Two million people attended the inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense — four years ago people had jobs to go to.
Conan O'Brien
After the inauguration, so many people were trying to leave Washington at once that Amtrak trains sold out. So apparently, Obama can perform miracles.
One of the first things Barack Obama did as president was he spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office. Shows you how things have changed — when President Bush spent 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time out.
In one of his first official acts as president, Obama had an emergency meeting with his top economic advisers. Apparently it didn’t go very well because after the meeting Obama stole North and South Dakota.
President Bush is back home. When he returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding signs that said “You Made Us So Proud.” Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of signs that said “You Totally Embarrassed Us.”
Craig Ferguson
After a short hearing today, Hillary Clinton was unexpectedly confirmed as secretary of state. Bill Clinton was so surprised he fell off his intern.
President Obama got a new limousine. They had to take out Bush’s favorite piece of technology — his PlayStation.
A new season of “Lost” kicked off today. It’s about a group of desperate people who are out of touch with the world . . . it’s based on the true story of the Republican Party.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
I am officially all inaugural ball-ed out.
After 10 inaugural balls, Obama was up and in the office e at 8:30 this morning, and then he went to church. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president he decided the best thing he could do for the country was pray?
President Bush is back in Texas — unemployed, much like the rest of the nation.
