Thursday, January 8, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Gov. Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. In an interview today, Blagojevich said, “If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the wrong planet.” That would explain his Klingon helmet hair.
President Bush has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. They are now totally protected areas. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil.
Joe the plumber is now going to the Mideast as a war correspondent for a conservative Web site. On one hand, he’s not really a war correspondent . . . on the other hand, he’s not really a plumber either. Why not?
An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse says that Amy smokes crack for breakfast. Isn’t that unbelievable? Amy is up in time for breakfast? That’s hard to believe.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10. "Sorry . . you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9. "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8. "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7. "You guys wanna see 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6. "Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5. "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4. "Kissey kissey"
3. "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2. "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1. "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"
David Letterman
The murder rate is up in New York City — I knew we were making a comeback.
The Army is now accepting overweight recruits. You know you’re overweight when you see a Domino’s guy crawl into your fox hole.
Barack Obama wants TV doctor Sanjay Gupta to be the next surgeon general. Wait a minute — isn’t that the kid from “American Idol?”
The decision was hard for Obama: It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil, and a guy from “Scrubs.”
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting “an extraordinary gathering.” In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos.
Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date.
On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because nothing says hope for the future like General Motors.
The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good since he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.
Craig Ferguson
Very bad news today: The porn industry is asking for a $5 billion bailout. Gives a whole new meaning to “give it to me!”
They say things are so bad, some porn stars are being forced to deliver actual pizzas.
This whole porn collapse would never have happened under Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!”
There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread.
Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned.
Jay Leno
Gov. Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. In an interview today, Blagojevich said, “If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the wrong planet.” That would explain his Klingon helmet hair.
President Bush has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. They are now totally protected areas. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil.
Joe the plumber is now going to the Mideast as a war correspondent for a conservative Web site. On one hand, he’s not really a war correspondent . . . on the other hand, he’s not really a plumber either. Why not?
An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse says that Amy smokes crack for breakfast. Isn’t that unbelievable? Amy is up in time for breakfast? That’s hard to believe.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Presidents' Lunch
10. "Sorry . . you're not on the list, Mr. Gore"
9. "If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday"
8. "Laura! More Mountain Dew!"
7. "You guys wanna see 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?"
6. "Call the nurse — George swallowed a napkin ring!"
5. "Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you have to work!"
4. "Kissey kissey"
3. "Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt"
2. "Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?"
1. "I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full"
David Letterman
The murder rate is up in New York City — I knew we were making a comeback.
The Army is now accepting overweight recruits. You know you’re overweight when you see a Domino’s guy crawl into your fox hole.
Barack Obama wants TV doctor Sanjay Gupta to be the next surgeon general. Wait a minute — isn’t that the kid from “American Idol?”
The decision was hard for Obama: It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil, and a guy from “Scrubs.”
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting “an extraordinary gathering.” In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos.
Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date.
On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because nothing says hope for the future like General Motors.
The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good since he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.
Craig Ferguson
Very bad news today: The porn industry is asking for a $5 billion bailout. Gives a whole new meaning to “give it to me!”
They say things are so bad, some porn stars are being forced to deliver actual pizzas.
This whole porn collapse would never have happened under Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!”
There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread.
Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned.
