Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In an interview with The Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. I was stunned by that. He gets driven around in a limo; he's surrounded by bodyguards; he shot a guy in the face . . . he is a rap star!
President-elect Barack Obama has named former Clinton chief of staff, Leon Panetta, to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are already criticizing this because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush.
In an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prize collection of over 250 autographed baseballs . . . which would be very impressive if he were 10.
A German billionaire committed suicide Monday because the financial crisis has reduced his wealth from $13 billion to $9.2 billion dollars. Well who could blame the guy? He's expected to live on $9.2 billion? The man's gotta eat!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions
10. Sup?
9. Are you a cop?
8. Where's the husky section?
7. May I call you Mommy?
6. If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make a denture adhesive without the unpleasant aftertaste?
5. Why won't Regis shut up?
4. What does it sound like when a monkey sneezes?
3. Kissey kissey?
2. If I enjoy anonymous airport men's room sex, does that make me gay?
1. Is it January 20th yet?
David Letterman
A lot of shows are closing on Broadway. "Grease?" Gone. "Hairspray?" Gone. If you want to see "Grease" or "Hairspray," you’ll have to go see that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
"Spamalot" has closed, too. Don’t be confused by "Scam-a-Lot," though. "Scam-a-Lot" is the musical about Bernie Madoff.
First lady Laura Bush is writing a memoir. I’m going to buy it. I think it’s called, “I’m With Stupid.”
Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter, and former President Bill Clinton. At least that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession, and he described the economy as “very sick.” Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem — but still the smartest thing they’ve heard a president say in eight years.
Because of the bad U.S. economy, many Broadway producers have started taking their musicals to China. In a related story, the entire cast of "Cats" has been eaten.
Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Which explains why today they passed three bills and four gallstones.
A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right Middle East — a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s a new year, and I am proud to be named the new senator of Illinois. I am still writing 2008 on my checks to Gov. Blagojevich, though.
Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive private school in Washington, D.C. Someone got a hold of the school’s lunch menu . . . for one day, there’s “local pumpkin and sage soup” and “roasted butternut squash.” While that may seem like a bit much for 7- and 8-year-old kids, I was looking over their wine list, and it was very reasonably priced.
What would you recommend with Funyions? A Chablis?
Jay Leno
In an interview with The Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. I was stunned by that. He gets driven around in a limo; he's surrounded by bodyguards; he shot a guy in the face . . . he is a rap star!
President-elect Barack Obama has named former Clinton chief of staff, Leon Panetta, to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are already criticizing this because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush.
In an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prize collection of over 250 autographed baseballs . . . which would be very impressive if he were 10.
A German billionaire committed suicide Monday because the financial crisis has reduced his wealth from $13 billion to $9.2 billion dollars. Well who could blame the guy? He's expected to live on $9.2 billion? The man's gotta eat!
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions
10. Sup?
9. Are you a cop?
8. Where's the husky section?
7. May I call you Mommy?
6. If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make a denture adhesive without the unpleasant aftertaste?
5. Why won't Regis shut up?
4. What does it sound like when a monkey sneezes?
3. Kissey kissey?
2. If I enjoy anonymous airport men's room sex, does that make me gay?
1. Is it January 20th yet?
David Letterman
A lot of shows are closing on Broadway. "Grease?" Gone. "Hairspray?" Gone. If you want to see "Grease" or "Hairspray," you’ll have to go see that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
"Spamalot" has closed, too. Don’t be confused by "Scam-a-Lot," though. "Scam-a-Lot" is the musical about Bernie Madoff.
First lady Laura Bush is writing a memoir. I’m going to buy it. I think it’s called, “I’m With Stupid.”
Tomorrow, President Bush is hosting a White House lunch for President-elect Barack Obama, former President Jimmy Carter, and former President Bill Clinton. At least that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession, and he described the economy as “very sick.” Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem — but still the smartest thing they’ve heard a president say in eight years.
Because of the bad U.S. economy, many Broadway producers have started taking their musicals to China. In a related story, the entire cast of "Cats" has been eaten.
Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Which explains why today they passed three bills and four gallstones.
A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right Middle East — a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s a new year, and I am proud to be named the new senator of Illinois. I am still writing 2008 on my checks to Gov. Blagojevich, though.
Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive private school in Washington, D.C. Someone got a hold of the school’s lunch menu . . . for one day, there’s “local pumpkin and sage soup” and “roasted butternut squash.” While that may seem like a bit much for 7- and 8-year-old kids, I was looking over their wine list, and it was very reasonably priced.
What would you recommend with Funyions? A Chablis?
