Saturday, January 10, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
This week, the chief of staff of embattled Gov. Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on the issue of ethics in the workplace. How ironic is that? What, was Bernie Madoff unavailable?
Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. Apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person.
He held a press conference where he quoted British poet Tennyson. Which is weird, because usually he quotes the movie “Jerry Maguire” — “Show me the money!”
I don’t think he gets it — he said he already has a replacement governor picked out when he leaves.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your New Year Is Off To A Bad Start
10. It's Jan. 9, and there's still a fat guy passed out on your sofa from New Year's Eve
9. All the money you didn't lose in the Ponzi scheme, you bet on the Colts
8. Regis just moved in next door
7. Began year in emergency room having novelty "2009" glasses removed from your stomach
6. Your wife's resolution was to give up sex, with you
5. You're still sitting in your Y2K bunker
4. Company transferred you to an office in Gaza
3. Somali pirates just stole your Buick
2. Your cholesterol is higher than the stock market
1. It's Friday night and you're watching Letterman
David Letterman
Today is Richard Nixon’s birthday. Do you remember when he looked like a bad president?
George Bush, in a couple of weeks, will be out of office, and people are interviewing him, saying, “Mr. President, what are you going to do when you’re out of office?” Eight years of being president, what is he going to do? He says, “Well, I’m not sure . . . I’m hoping to find something to do where I’m just in up to my head.”
President-elect Obama is moving into Washington, D.C. His stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
Vice President Dick Cheney is leaving Washington, and he was busy packing. Today, he bubble-wrapped his waterboard.
Craig Ferguson
The Golden Globe Awards are this weekend. And you thought Wall Street was corrupt.
I might go to the movies this weekend. “Bride Wars” opens this weekend. It’s like “Star Wars” for the ladies.
It’s not a chick flick — by the way, “chick” is a sexist word. Women don’t like to be called “chicks.” They like to be called “broads,” or “dames.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rod Blagojevich was formally impeached on one charged of corruption and three charges of helmet hair.
He is remaining defiant. He held a press conference, and at the end of the conference, he twirled his hair like helicopter blades to fly far, far away.
A poll by a real estate Web site found that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was America’s No. 1 choice for celebrity neighbor. She even beat out Oprah. Which seems kind of crazy to me because if you lived next door to Oprah, your house might look like a mansion. If you live next door to Sarah Palin, your house might look like an igloo.
You might have seal skin for a bed. Not to mention, Oprah won’t shoot your pets.
Jay Leno
This week, the chief of staff of embattled Gov. Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on the issue of ethics in the workplace. How ironic is that? What, was Bernie Madoff unavailable?
Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. Apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person.
He held a press conference where he quoted British poet Tennyson. Which is weird, because usually he quotes the movie “Jerry Maguire” — “Show me the money!”
I don’t think he gets it — he said he already has a replacement governor picked out when he leaves.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your New Year Is Off To A Bad Start
10. It's Jan. 9, and there's still a fat guy passed out on your sofa from New Year's Eve
9. All the money you didn't lose in the Ponzi scheme, you bet on the Colts
8. Regis just moved in next door
7. Began year in emergency room having novelty "2009" glasses removed from your stomach
6. Your wife's resolution was to give up sex, with you
5. You're still sitting in your Y2K bunker
4. Company transferred you to an office in Gaza
3. Somali pirates just stole your Buick
2. Your cholesterol is higher than the stock market
1. It's Friday night and you're watching Letterman
David Letterman
Today is Richard Nixon’s birthday. Do you remember when he looked like a bad president?
George Bush, in a couple of weeks, will be out of office, and people are interviewing him, saying, “Mr. President, what are you going to do when you’re out of office?” Eight years of being president, what is he going to do? He says, “Well, I’m not sure . . . I’m hoping to find something to do where I’m just in up to my head.”
President-elect Obama is moving into Washington, D.C. His stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
Vice President Dick Cheney is leaving Washington, and he was busy packing. Today, he bubble-wrapped his waterboard.
Craig Ferguson
The Golden Globe Awards are this weekend. And you thought Wall Street was corrupt.
I might go to the movies this weekend. “Bride Wars” opens this weekend. It’s like “Star Wars” for the ladies.
It’s not a chick flick — by the way, “chick” is a sexist word. Women don’t like to be called “chicks.” They like to be called “broads,” or “dames.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Rod Blagojevich was formally impeached on one charged of corruption and three charges of helmet hair.
He is remaining defiant. He held a press conference, and at the end of the conference, he twirled his hair like helicopter blades to fly far, far away.
A poll by a real estate Web site found that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was America’s No. 1 choice for celebrity neighbor. She even beat out Oprah. Which seems kind of crazy to me because if you lived next door to Oprah, your house might look like a mansion. If you live next door to Sarah Palin, your house might look like an igloo.
You might have seal skin for a bed. Not to mention, Oprah won’t shoot your pets.
