Saturday, January 31, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
TGIF now has new meaning. It now stands for “the governor is fired!”
Former Gov. Blagojevich is out of a job. He’s disgraced, he’s unpopular. In fact, today he got a note from President Bush saying, “Hey — welcome to the club.”
This guy keeps demanding that he is innocent. He said at his hearing the other day, “With the exception of those four tapes that you heard, there hasn't been any evidence to show or prove any criminal conduct.” Except for maybe . . . the four tapes!
This guy will not go away. He just came out with his own shampoo. You may have seen this is the store. It’s called Gee Your Hair Looks Ridiculous.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans
10. "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"
9. "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'"
8. "Smoke break!"
7. "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"
6. "Mr. President, don't misunderestimate the Republicans"
5. "Another smoke break!"
4. "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
3. "About that tax the rich stuff . . . you were joking, right?"
2. "Sir, it's refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences"
1. "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"
David Letterman
Cold today. So cold, Gov. Paterson spent six weeks picking out a sweater.
So cold, down in Washington, D.C., President Obama had Vice President Joe Biden go outside and take his smoking break for him.
The murder rate in New York City is up 5 percent. I knew we’d come back. Last year was just a rebuilding year.
It’s the cold and flu season. Here’s how you can tell: Today, Bernie Madoff swindled some old lady out of her cough drops.
Craig Ferguson
Tough times at Disney. They had to lay off 400 employees and make some changes. They fired Miley Cirus, but kept Hanna Montana.
The title to “Finding Nemo” has been changed to “Avoiding Repo.”
Then, earlier today, I saw Wall-E renting himself out as a toaster.
Jay Leno
TGIF now has new meaning. It now stands for “the governor is fired!”
Former Gov. Blagojevich is out of a job. He’s disgraced, he’s unpopular. In fact, today he got a note from President Bush saying, “Hey — welcome to the club.”
This guy keeps demanding that he is innocent. He said at his hearing the other day, “With the exception of those four tapes that you heard, there hasn't been any evidence to show or prove any criminal conduct.” Except for maybe . . . the four tapes!
This guy will not go away. He just came out with his own shampoo. You may have seen this is the store. It’s called Gee Your Hair Looks Ridiculous.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans
10. "I miss the Clinton administration when we'd meet at Hooters"
9. "Can we wrap this up? I've got tickets to the 4:30 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'"
8. "Smoke break!"
7. "You fellas really need to take it easy on the Old Spice"
6. "Mr. President, don't misunderestimate the Republicans"
5. "Another smoke break!"
4. "What was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
3. "About that tax the rich stuff . . . you were joking, right?"
2. "Sir, it's refreshing to have a chief executive who speaks in complete sentences"
1. "Senator Craig's offering his stimulus package in the men's room"
David Letterman
Cold today. So cold, Gov. Paterson spent six weeks picking out a sweater.
So cold, down in Washington, D.C., President Obama had Vice President Joe Biden go outside and take his smoking break for him.
The murder rate in New York City is up 5 percent. I knew we’d come back. Last year was just a rebuilding year.
It’s the cold and flu season. Here’s how you can tell: Today, Bernie Madoff swindled some old lady out of her cough drops.
Craig Ferguson
Tough times at Disney. They had to lay off 400 employees and make some changes. They fired Miley Cirus, but kept Hanna Montana.
The title to “Finding Nemo” has been changed to “Avoiding Repo.”
Then, earlier today, I saw Wall-E renting himself out as a toaster.
