Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?
President Obama said when it comes to passing the stimulus package we can’t afford distractions and delays. You know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee.
Obama has also signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement.
Gov. Blagojevich said he considered giving the open Senate seat to Oprah. He changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH"
7. Offer a Senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River
3. I don't know . . . how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels, and say, "You Betcha!" a lot
1. Uhhh . . . resign?
David Letterman
Cold outside today. They say the stringent weather is coming off of a cold front between Gov. Paterson and Caroline Kennedy.
So cold, the Statue of Liberty was holding up a space heater.
So cold, out West, Illinois Gov. Blagojevich was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.
Have you seen this guy? Scary moment earlier today . . . he said a flock of geese was sucked into his hair.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as “an interview with the most hated man in America . . . and Rod Blagojevich.”
Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. Which may be a stretch — but at least he got the prison part right.
Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland.
According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they’ll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it’s silly for college students to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to find a job — because the answer is no.
Craig Ferguson
Gov. Blagojevich is continuing on a media tour he’s doing. He was on “The View,” the “Today” show, “Good Morning America,” and his hair was on “Animal Planet.”
PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house.
A new study says that whether or not you’re shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago — if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you’re not shy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on a media tour instead of at his impeachment trial defending himself. I’m not sure what this guy’s story is, but his hair would indicate some sort of delusion.
Larry King asked him, “What do you do with an approval rating of 7?” He still thinks the people of Illinois are behind him. But even 7 — who are these people who approve of the job he’s doing? His mom . . . the guy at Supercuts who does his hair . . .
The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees . . . which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees.
Jay Leno
Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?
President Obama said when it comes to passing the stimulus package we can’t afford distractions and delays. You know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee.
Obama has also signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement.
Gov. Blagojevich said he considered giving the open Senate seat to Oprah. He changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image
10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts"
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH"
7. Offer a Senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River
3. I don't know . . . how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels, and say, "You Betcha!" a lot
1. Uhhh . . . resign?
David Letterman
Cold outside today. They say the stringent weather is coming off of a cold front between Gov. Paterson and Caroline Kennedy.
So cold, the Statue of Liberty was holding up a space heater.
So cold, out West, Illinois Gov. Blagojevich was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.
Have you seen this guy? Scary moment earlier today . . . he said a flock of geese was sucked into his hair.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as “an interview with the most hated man in America . . . and Rod Blagojevich.”
Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. Which may be a stretch — but at least he got the prison part right.
Earlier today, the world’s top economic advisors gathered at a luxury ski resort in Switzerland to find a solution to the global financial crisis. So far the best idea is to stop traveling to luxury ski resorts in Switzerland.
According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they’ll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it’s silly for college students to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to find a job — because the answer is no.
Craig Ferguson
Gov. Blagojevich is continuing on a media tour he’s doing. He was on “The View,” the “Today” show, “Good Morning America,” and his hair was on “Animal Planet.”
PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house.
A new study says that whether or not you’re shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago — if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you’re not shy.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on a media tour instead of at his impeachment trial defending himself. I’m not sure what this guy’s story is, but his hair would indicate some sort of delusion.
Larry King asked him, “What do you do with an approval rating of 7?” He still thinks the people of Illinois are behind him. But even 7 — who are these people who approve of the job he’s doing? His mom . . . the guy at Supercuts who does his hair . . .
The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees . . . which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees.
