Thursday, January 15, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Obama says that one of the first things he’ll do as president is close down Guantanamo Bay. President Bush said, “That’s nothing — I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships . . .”
A spokesman for Obama says that the prisoners at Guantanamo will either be returned to their own countries or entered into the New York City cab drivers program.
Obama says that he wants to bring a “sense of accountability” to Washington. I have a better idea — why not bring some accountants to Washington?
Speaking of that, Obama’s new secretary of the Treasury nominee, Timothy Geithner has come up with a new plan to lower taxes: Don’t pay them.
David Letterman
It was cold today. So cold, people were throwing shoes at Al Gore.
Here’s a cold weather tip: Take your boxer shorts and put them in the microwave. It’s true. It’s a little tip I learned from Rosie O’Donnell.
Osama bin Laden has a new tape. They know it’s a recent tape, because in it he describes Salma Hayek as being smoking hot at the Golden Globes.
Plus the tape aired in its new 10 p.m. time slot.
Conan O'Brien
A severe cold front hit the East Coast today, with a wind-chill factor near zero. In fact, it’s so cold, thousands of people in New Jersey had to be treated for frozen mullet.
On the season premiere of “American Idol,” a contestant showed up in a bikini, tried to kiss Ryan Seacrest and said she wanted to have his children. Apparently this hasn’t happened to Seacrest since Clay Aiken was a contestant.
Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, “My favorite color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was answering the question, “What was your greatest achievement as president?”
President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told Obama that his biggest challenge will be “an enemy attack.” Specifically, Bush told Obama, “Keep your eye on Hillary.”
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study out that says too much caffeine can cause hallucinations. I think it’s true because I was at Starbucks today, and I hallucinated that a cup of coffee cost $4.
Then I hallucinated that the counter guy was trying to sell me a jazz CD at 7 o’clock in the damn morning.
Andy Rooney turned 90 years old today. Why is he so angry? He only works three minutes a week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has declared a state of emergency for Washington, D.C. Apparently, the president obtained information that on Tuesday, an unidentified black man was plotting to break into and actually live in the White house.
The president was on “Larry King” last night for a parting interview before he tries to find his way back home to Texas.
Larry King asked him if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.
It seems fitting that since he doesn’t know where our money, he shouldn’t know where his money is.
Jay Leno
Obama says that one of the first things he’ll do as president is close down Guantanamo Bay. President Bush said, “That’s nothing — I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships . . .”
A spokesman for Obama says that the prisoners at Guantanamo will either be returned to their own countries or entered into the New York City cab drivers program.
Obama says that he wants to bring a “sense of accountability” to Washington. I have a better idea — why not bring some accountants to Washington?
Speaking of that, Obama’s new secretary of the Treasury nominee, Timothy Geithner has come up with a new plan to lower taxes: Don’t pay them.
David Letterman
It was cold today. So cold, people were throwing shoes at Al Gore.
Here’s a cold weather tip: Take your boxer shorts and put them in the microwave. It’s true. It’s a little tip I learned from Rosie O’Donnell.
Osama bin Laden has a new tape. They know it’s a recent tape, because in it he describes Salma Hayek as being smoking hot at the Golden Globes.
Plus the tape aired in its new 10 p.m. time slot.
Conan O'Brien
A severe cold front hit the East Coast today, with a wind-chill factor near zero. In fact, it’s so cold, thousands of people in New Jersey had to be treated for frozen mullet.
On the season premiere of “American Idol,” a contestant showed up in a bikini, tried to kiss Ryan Seacrest and said she wanted to have his children. Apparently this hasn’t happened to Seacrest since Clay Aiken was a contestant.
Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, “My favorite color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was answering the question, “What was your greatest achievement as president?”
President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. He told Obama that his biggest challenge will be “an enemy attack.” Specifically, Bush told Obama, “Keep your eye on Hillary.”
Craig Ferguson
There’s a new study out that says too much caffeine can cause hallucinations. I think it’s true because I was at Starbucks today, and I hallucinated that a cup of coffee cost $4.
Then I hallucinated that the counter guy was trying to sell me a jazz CD at 7 o’clock in the damn morning.
Andy Rooney turned 90 years old today. Why is he so angry? He only works three minutes a week.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has declared a state of emergency for Washington, D.C. Apparently, the president obtained information that on Tuesday, an unidentified black man was plotting to break into and actually live in the White house.
The president was on “Larry King” last night for a parting interview before he tries to find his way back home to Texas.
Larry King asked him if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.
It seems fitting that since he doesn’t know where our money, he shouldn’t know where his money is.
