Friday, January 16, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Today, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-1 to approve Hillary Clinton as the next secretary of state. The one dissenting vote came from Republican Sen. David Vitter. He’s the guy who got caught with the hookers. Vitter said that out of force of habit, he can’t get behind a woman unless he pays her $300 first.
The incoming press secretary, Robert Gibbs, says that President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” are over. Actually, that’s not quite true; Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money: “Don’t ask us what we did with it; we are not going to tell you.”
At his confirmation hearing, Attorney General nominee Eric Holder said that as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said, “So is paying taxes.”
Geithner didn’t pay federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. He owed $34,000. But to keep his nomination afloat, he paid it this week — plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the U.S. Treasury made — just like that. You know what Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson as commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?
David Letterman
It’s cold outside. It’s so cold, Gov. Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair.
It’s so cold, Bernie Madoff was wearing bulletproof earmuffs.
So cold, Bernie Madoff swindled an elderly woman out of a scarf.
President-elect Barack Obama says he plans on closing Guantanamo Bay. Dick Cheney says, “Sure — I’m going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.”
Conan O'Brien
The New Kids on the Block announced that they will be appearing on a cruise ship. A cruise ship spokesman said, “What can we say? Good waiters are hard to find.”
The Army says they have increased recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. As a result, the Army is changing its slogan from “Army of One,” to “Army of One Who Looks Like Three or Four.”
In China, a panda has bitten a visitor for the third time in three years. People who saw the attack described it as horrifying and absolutely adorable.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It got down to 11 below in Chicago last night. You know what they say in the “Farmer’s Almanac,” the larger the Oprah, the colder the winter in Chicago.
In Columbus, Ohio, they declared a snow emergency. The snow is all the way up to the top of the foreclosure signs.
Here in L.A., we’re having a bit of a cold snap too. Yesterday, it was 85; today, it was down to 83. And they’re saying at this rate, by the weekend, it could get down to 79, so bundle up.
Jay Leno
Today, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-1 to approve Hillary Clinton as the next secretary of state. The one dissenting vote came from Republican Sen. David Vitter. He’s the guy who got caught with the hookers. Vitter said that out of force of habit, he can’t get behind a woman unless he pays her $300 first.
The incoming press secretary, Robert Gibbs, says that President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” are over. Actually, that’s not quite true; Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money: “Don’t ask us what we did with it; we are not going to tell you.”
At his confirmation hearing, Attorney General nominee Eric Holder said that as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said, “So is paying taxes.”
Geithner didn’t pay federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. He owed $34,000. But to keep his nomination afloat, he paid it this week — plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the U.S. Treasury made — just like that. You know what Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson as commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?
David Letterman
It’s cold outside. It’s so cold, Gov. Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair.
It’s so cold, Bernie Madoff was wearing bulletproof earmuffs.
So cold, Bernie Madoff swindled an elderly woman out of a scarf.
President-elect Barack Obama says he plans on closing Guantanamo Bay. Dick Cheney says, “Sure — I’m going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.”
Conan O'Brien
The New Kids on the Block announced that they will be appearing on a cruise ship. A cruise ship spokesman said, “What can we say? Good waiters are hard to find.”
The Army says they have increased recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. As a result, the Army is changing its slogan from “Army of One,” to “Army of One Who Looks Like Three or Four.”
In China, a panda has bitten a visitor for the third time in three years. People who saw the attack described it as horrifying and absolutely adorable.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It got down to 11 below in Chicago last night. You know what they say in the “Farmer’s Almanac,” the larger the Oprah, the colder the winter in Chicago.
In Columbus, Ohio, they declared a snow emergency. The snow is all the way up to the top of the foreclosure signs.
Here in L.A., we’re having a bit of a cold snap too. Yesterday, it was 85; today, it was down to 83. And they’re saying at this rate, by the weekend, it could get down to 79, so bundle up.
