Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in. Sounds like the mother-in-law already moved in.
It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, “I could have done that gig.”
President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. The big problem is, How do you get all of these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the “Do Not Fly” list.
They don’t know what to do with them. Other countries don’t want them. We don’t want them. Although today, representatives from New York’s Yellow Cab Company said, “Oh we’ll take them.”
David Letterman
Cold outside today. So cold, Justice Roberts screwed up when he ordered chowder.
So cold, that thing on Gov. Blagojevich’s head went into hibernation.
Gov. Blagojevich is being impeached. The state of Illinois is already looking for a crooked politician to take his place.
What a busy week in Washington. John McCain was busy too — he was at Appleby’s blowing on his soup.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today Gov. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Blagojevich then said, “I have had a dream, and for $100, I’ll tell you about it.”
J. Crew’s stock has gone up 10 percent because first lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mrs. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?
Interesting facts still coming out about the inauguration: Aretha Franklin says that she’s not happy with her performance at the inauguration, and she says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Aretha said she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat.
When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Word has it that the video got them most of the way through takeoff.
Craig Ferguson
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That’s ridiculous — Oprah’s way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate. She’s got real muscle.
Although, she’s got enough money to buy it from that guy.
Here’s an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don’t know what the musical is about . . .
Jay Leno
Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in. Sounds like the mother-in-law already moved in.
It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. A lot of people were upset by this. When Ashlee Simpson heard about it she said, “I could have done that gig.”
President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. The big problem is, How do you get all of these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the “Do Not Fly” list.
They don’t know what to do with them. Other countries don’t want them. We don’t want them. Although today, representatives from New York’s Yellow Cab Company said, “Oh we’ll take them.”
David Letterman
Cold outside today. So cold, Justice Roberts screwed up when he ordered chowder.
So cold, that thing on Gov. Blagojevich’s head went into hibernation.
Gov. Blagojevich is being impeached. The state of Illinois is already looking for a crooked politician to take his place.
What a busy week in Washington. John McCain was busy too — he was at Appleby’s blowing on his soup.
Conan O'Brien
Earlier today Gov. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Blagojevich then said, “I have had a dream, and for $100, I’ll tell you about it.”
J. Crew’s stock has gone up 10 percent because first lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mrs. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?
Interesting facts still coming out about the inauguration: Aretha Franklin says that she’s not happy with her performance at the inauguration, and she says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Aretha said she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat.
When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Word has it that the video got them most of the way through takeoff.
Craig Ferguson
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That’s ridiculous — Oprah’s way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate. She’s got real muscle.
Although, she’s got enough money to buy it from that guy.
Here’s an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don’t know what the musical is about . . .
