Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Barack Obama now the 44th president of the United States. As you know, we have never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president; we've had an Irish-American president; we've even had an incompetent American president. But never an African-American.
John McCain was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again.
Obama gave a great speech. But he may have promised too much. Like when he promised to bring the dog from the "Marley & Me" movie back to life. That seemed over the top.
Every single TV network was covering the inauguration . . . except Fox; they’re still doing a recount.
Conan O'Brien
Two million people turned out in Washington to see the inauguration. I don’t think this many people have been so excited since they put cheese into pizza crust.
Some people got bored while waiting for the inauguration so they started doing the Electric Slide. Apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.
Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”
Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13.
Craig Ferguson
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the United States’ 44th president. He used his middle name, Hussein, when he was sworn in, so from now on, I will be using mine: Good evening. My name is Craig Susan Hairy Nipples Ferguson.
Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they have the time.
It was very emotional. The liberals in the crowd haven’t cried this much since they spilled their lattes in their Priuses.
President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn’t have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
What a day for America, and more importantly, what a day for Oprah.
Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.
Dick Cheney showed up to the inauguration in a wheel chair. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving, but I think the real reason is his legs have turned back to hooves.
Jay Leno
Barack Obama now the 44th president of the United States. As you know, we have never had an African-American president. We've had a Dutch-American president; we've had an Irish-American president; we've even had an incompetent American president. But never an African-American.
John McCain was so moved by today's events, he suspended his campaign again.
Obama gave a great speech. But he may have promised too much. Like when he promised to bring the dog from the "Marley & Me" movie back to life. That seemed over the top.
Every single TV network was covering the inauguration . . . except Fox; they’re still doing a recount.
Conan O'Brien
Two million people turned out in Washington to see the inauguration. I don’t think this many people have been so excited since they put cheese into pizza crust.
Some people got bored while waiting for the inauguration so they started doing the Electric Slide. Apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.
Bill Clinton got the biggest response from the crowd. Apparently, thousands of women yelled, “That’s him, officer!”
Very cold in Washington. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13.
Craig Ferguson
Congratulations to Barack Obama, the United States’ 44th president. He used his middle name, Hussein, when he was sworn in, so from now on, I will be using mine: Good evening. My name is Craig Susan Hairy Nipples Ferguson.
Two million people were there to watch Obama take the oath. I think Obama owes a debt to President Bush for this. The only reason the crowd was that big was because so many people are unemployed and they have the time.
It was very emotional. The liberals in the crowd haven’t cried this much since they spilled their lattes in their Priuses.
President Bush is now out of a job. Now he doesn’t have to worry about those annoying day trips to the White House he had to do now and then.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
What a day for America, and more importantly, what a day for Oprah.
Barack Obama is our 44th president. As our first African-American president, he fulfills the dream of Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.
Dick Cheney showed up to the inauguration in a wheel chair. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving, but I think the real reason is his legs have turned back to hooves.
