Saturday, January 24, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During the inauguration ceremonies there were 2 million people crammed into the Mall and not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that’ll all change now that Congress is back.
The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time.
Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office, so they did it over again. Which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath . . . having somebody in government actually go back and fix something.
President Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. So you know what that means . . . ABC may be forced to cancel “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
There has been 130 million tons of garbage hauled out from the inauguration. And that’s not including the previous administration.
They still haven’t revealed the contents of that note Bush left for Barack Obama, but I have it: “deer Brak, I took Clinton’s porn.”
In Scotland this weekend, they celebrated Robert Burns night. He was a poet. They celebrate it by drinking too much and eating haggis, which is like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The embattled and Herbal Essence-infused governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, held another press conference today.
He’s the guy they caught on tape allegedly trying to barter for Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. I’m no lawyer, but when they get you on tape doing what you say you didn’t do, you’re probably guilty.
Meanwhile, in New York, Gov. David Paterson named a replacement for Hillary Clinton, and he did it for free — not too bright.
Jay Leno
During the inauguration ceremonies there were 2 million people crammed into the Mall and not one arrest. Not one crime was committed in Washington. Of course, that’ll all change now that Congress is back.
The official temperature at the inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time.
Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office, so they did it over again. Which is completely unprecedented. That’s never happened. Not messing up the oath . . . having somebody in government actually go back and fix something.
President Obama has signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. So you know what that means . . . ABC may be forced to cancel “The View.”
Craig Ferguson
There has been 130 million tons of garbage hauled out from the inauguration. And that’s not including the previous administration.
They still haven’t revealed the contents of that note Bush left for Barack Obama, but I have it: “deer Brak, I took Clinton’s porn.”
In Scotland this weekend, they celebrated Robert Burns night. He was a poet. They celebrate it by drinking too much and eating haggis, which is like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The embattled and Herbal Essence-infused governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, held another press conference today.
He’s the guy they caught on tape allegedly trying to barter for Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. I’m no lawyer, but when they get you on tape doing what you say you didn’t do, you’re probably guilty.
Meanwhile, in New York, Gov. David Paterson named a replacement for Hillary Clinton, and he did it for free — not too bright.
