Friday, January 9, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy in the military, to allow gays to openly serve. Let me tell you something: If someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch “Dancing With the Stars” openly.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe at President Bush.
It's so bad, a friend of mine started a Ponzi scheme — and lost money.
The economy is so bad, today the tooth fairy was handing out tubes of crazy glue and telling kids, “You’re on your own.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy
10. Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon
9. End our dependence on foreign owls
8. Sell New Mexico to Mexico
7. Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!
6. Rent out the moon for weddings and bar mitzvahs
5. Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch
4. Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase
3. Bail out the adult film industry — not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt
2. Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China
1. Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!
David Letterman
A couple of days ago, there were UFO sightings in New Jersey. But don’t worry, it’s not an invasion — they were just looking for a place to dump a body.
The aliens were just here looking for some of that bailout money.
I sent in early for tickets for the Obama inauguration, but I got lousy seats anyway. I’m right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich.
Each president gets to add his own little touches, his own little signature features. For the Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free.
Conan O'Brien
President-elect Obama gave a major economic speech today. He said that Americans will be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, “Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.”
During his speech, Obama said, “It will be too late to change course if we don’t take dramatic action as soon as possible.” Then Obama said the same thing is true about NBC’s primetime lineup.
On Inauguration Day, Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. The parade route is only five miles long, so GM says that Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.
The National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Remember when Barack Obama said that there could only be one president at a time? Turns out he meant him.
The first lady was showing off a new set of plates she just got. They are gold rimmed, official state china that cost $493,000 . . . but don’t worry — it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics.
She was going to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came — which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA.
You can’t trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate. His does come with a sippy cup, though.
Jay Leno
Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy in the military, to allow gays to openly serve. Let me tell you something: If someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch “Dancing With the Stars” openly.
The economy is bad. It’s so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe at President Bush.
It's so bad, a friend of mine started a Ponzi scheme — and lost money.
The economy is so bad, today the tooth fairy was handing out tubes of crazy glue and telling kids, “You’re on your own.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Barack Obama Plans To Fix The Economy
10. Encourage tourists to throw spare change in the Grand Canyon
9. End our dependence on foreign owls
8. Sell New Mexico to Mexico
7. Put a little of that bailout money on the Ravens plus 3 at Tennessee. Come on! It's a mortal lock!
6. Rent out the moon for weddings and bar mitzvahs
5. Lotto our way out of this son-of-a-bitch
4. Appear on "Deal or No Deal" and hope to choose the right briefcase
3. Bail out the adult film industry — not sure how it helps, but it can't hurt
2. Release O.J. from prison, have him steal America's money from China
1. Stop talkin' and start Obama-natin'!
David Letterman
A couple of days ago, there were UFO sightings in New Jersey. But don’t worry, it’s not an invasion — they were just looking for a place to dump a body.
The aliens were just here looking for some of that bailout money.
I sent in early for tickets for the Obama inauguration, but I got lousy seats anyway. I’m right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich.
Each president gets to add his own little touches, his own little signature features. For the Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free.
Conan O'Brien
President-elect Obama gave a major economic speech today. He said that Americans will be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, “Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.”
During his speech, Obama said, “It will be too late to change course if we don’t take dramatic action as soon as possible.” Then Obama said the same thing is true about NBC’s primetime lineup.
On Inauguration Day, Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. The parade route is only five miles long, so GM says that Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.
The National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Remember when Barack Obama said that there could only be one president at a time? Turns out he meant him.
The first lady was showing off a new set of plates she just got. They are gold rimmed, official state china that cost $493,000 . . . but don’t worry — it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics.
She was going to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came — which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA.
You can’t trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate. His does come with a sippy cup, though.
