Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of airtime on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. The White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet on what he’s going to do for the other 14 minutes.
I think President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard this job is going to be. Today he said he wanted to bring a “sense of accountability to Washington.” I think they realize actual accountability is never going to happen. So if you just bring a “sense” of it . . . that would be fantastic.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them. I think this qualifies as change he does not believe in.
During Hillary’s confirmation hearing, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, the guy who has caught with the hookers . . . he’s Mr. Ethics now, was concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's library deal. Then he had to leave when an aide told him, "Don’t forget your 3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper."
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of My Hall of Fame Baseball Career Presented By Jim Rice And Rickey Henderson
10. "Winning the MVP in 1978, and a Tony in 1983" (Jim Rice)
9. "I designed the first vibrating jockstrap" (Rickey Henderson)
8. "During the 1981 season I lost my glove and played an entire West Coast trip using a small box" (Jim Rice)
7. "All the free gum" (Rickey Henderson)
6. "I caught a squirrel in the outfield and the umps let me eat it" (Jim Rice)
5. "Being a Met, a Blue Jay, a Padre, a Dodger . . . Hell, even I can't remember all the teams I played for" (Rickey Henderson)
4. "Before every game, I ate the same meal: pancakes smothered in pine tar" (Jim Rice)
3. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Rickey Henderson)
2. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Jim Rice)
1. "I played with Jose Canseco and never got to inject anything in his ass" (Rickey Henderson)
David Letterman
Freezing cold today. Here’s how cold it was: Earlier today, President Bush said we misunderestimated Al Roker.
So cold, Bernie Madoff had his hands in his own pockets.
A judge has said that while awaiting trial, Madoff must remain confined to his penthouse apartment. His penthouse apartment. Does it get any harsher than that?
A lot of people say that’s getting off easy. But have you met his wife?
Conan O'Brien
Some people are worried because 3 million people are expected for Obama’s inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.
Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings for secretary of state began today. So by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor.
Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, "I never got to find out what HUD means."
In China, a 107-year-old woman who's never been married says she's finally ready to start looking for a husband. She said, "The last guy I dated built that wall."
Craig Ferguson
President Bush is giving his farewell speech tomorrow night. It will be on the three major networks. And NBC.
Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama yesterday. I thought, C’mon! He isn’t even in office yet! I don’t think these guys are angry — I think they just like fire.
It’s winter in Iran and they’re cold.
The Internet is full of men looking for dates for the inauguration. What ever happened to the Washington tradition of getting a hooker?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
One week left of President Bush. Yesterday he gave his final press conference. He’s never really been a fan of press conferences mainly because the press never really understood him . . . mostly because he makes up his own words.
Ann Coulter sat down with the ladies on “The View” to promote her new collection of irrational remarks.
All five co-hosts came at her collectively, and wisely, they all did it at once, so no one could understand anyone.
Jay Leno
President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of airtime on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. The White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet on what he’s going to do for the other 14 minutes.
I think President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard this job is going to be. Today he said he wanted to bring a “sense of accountability to Washington.” I think they realize actual accountability is never going to happen. So if you just bring a “sense” of it . . . that would be fantastic.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them. I think this qualifies as change he does not believe in.
During Hillary’s confirmation hearing, Louisiana Sen. David Vitter, the guy who has caught with the hookers . . . he’s Mr. Ethics now, was concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's library deal. Then he had to leave when an aide told him, "Don’t forget your 3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper."
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of My Hall of Fame Baseball Career Presented By Jim Rice And Rickey Henderson
10. "Winning the MVP in 1978, and a Tony in 1983" (Jim Rice)
9. "I designed the first vibrating jockstrap" (Rickey Henderson)
8. "During the 1981 season I lost my glove and played an entire West Coast trip using a small box" (Jim Rice)
7. "All the free gum" (Rickey Henderson)
6. "I caught a squirrel in the outfield and the umps let me eat it" (Jim Rice)
5. "Being a Met, a Blue Jay, a Padre, a Dodger . . . Hell, even I can't remember all the teams I played for" (Rickey Henderson)
4. "Before every game, I ate the same meal: pancakes smothered in pine tar" (Jim Rice)
3. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Rickey Henderson)
2. "Sleeping with Madonna" (Jim Rice)
1. "I played with Jose Canseco and never got to inject anything in his ass" (Rickey Henderson)
David Letterman
Freezing cold today. Here’s how cold it was: Earlier today, President Bush said we misunderestimated Al Roker.
So cold, Bernie Madoff had his hands in his own pockets.
A judge has said that while awaiting trial, Madoff must remain confined to his penthouse apartment. His penthouse apartment. Does it get any harsher than that?
A lot of people say that’s getting off easy. But have you met his wife?
Conan O'Brien
Some people are worried because 3 million people are expected for Obama’s inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.
Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings for secretary of state began today. So by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor.
Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, "I never got to find out what HUD means."
In China, a 107-year-old woman who's never been married says she's finally ready to start looking for a husband. She said, "The last guy I dated built that wall."
Craig Ferguson
President Bush is giving his farewell speech tomorrow night. It will be on the three major networks. And NBC.
Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama yesterday. I thought, C’mon! He isn’t even in office yet! I don’t think these guys are angry — I think they just like fire.
It’s winter in Iran and they’re cold.
The Internet is full of men looking for dates for the inauguration. What ever happened to the Washington tradition of getting a hooker?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
One week left of President Bush. Yesterday he gave his final press conference. He’s never really been a fan of press conferences mainly because the press never really understood him . . . mostly because he makes up his own words.
Ann Coulter sat down with the ladies on “The View” to promote her new collection of irrational remarks.
All five co-hosts came at her collectively, and wisely, they all did it at once, so no one could understand anyone.
