Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Tomorrow, Americans will get to hear those four words we’ve all been waiting to hear: “former President George Bush.”
President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high — because it’s the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.
This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. He spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to four bucks a gallon.
A lot of celebrities are in Washington for the inauguration. In fact, so many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu they had to close the Promises rehab center for the week.
Conan O'Brien
In exactly 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next president. I am not going to get excited — you’d be surprised how much President Bush could screw up in 12 hours.
He could launch an attack in the Bahamas.
Some people are angry that the inauguration festivities are going to cost $170 million. After hearing about it, Oprah said, “Don’t worry — this one’s on me.”
Obama held a dinner in honor of John McCain. You could tell it was for McCain because it was over at 4 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn’t it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?
I have inauguration fever. ‘Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse.
The whole country has inauguration fever — at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs.
Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room.
Jay Leno
Tomorrow, Americans will get to hear those four words we’ve all been waiting to hear: “former President George Bush.”
President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high — because it’s the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.
This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. He spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to four bucks a gallon.
A lot of celebrities are in Washington for the inauguration. In fact, so many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu they had to close the Promises rehab center for the week.
Conan O'Brien
In exactly 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next president. I am not going to get excited — you’d be surprised how much President Bush could screw up in 12 hours.
He could launch an attack in the Bahamas.
Some people are angry that the inauguration festivities are going to cost $170 million. After hearing about it, Oprah said, “Don’t worry — this one’s on me.”
Obama held a dinner in honor of John McCain. You could tell it was for McCain because it was over at 4 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn’t it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?
I have inauguration fever. ‘Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse.
The whole country has inauguration fever — at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs.
Hotels in Washington, D.C., are overbooked. A lot of VIPs have no place to stay. Things are so bad, Bill and Hillary Clinton have to share a room.
