Saturday, January 17, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
During President Bush’s farewell address, he said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right.
Now the real pressure is on. He only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina.
Barack Obama plans on issuing an executive order right away. He is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He says he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
Some Starbucks are going to be selling coffee from China. But don’t worry — you’ll still be able to get the unleaded.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervous
10. New slogan: "Yes we can . . . or maybe not, it's hard to say"
9. In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry
8. He's up to not smoking three packs a day
7. Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and . . . no, that's McCain
6. He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta
5. Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
4. Offered governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back
3. Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"
2. Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early
1. He demanded a recount
David Letterman
On this date in 1991, the U.S. attacked Iraq. I’m so glad that’s all behind us now.
Happy birthday to Michelle Obama. For her birthday, Barack is getting her a new house.
I’m not sure how this is going to go, but Barack Obama is moving his mother-in-law into the white House with him. I thought this was the guy who was going to do away with torture.
Obama had a busy day: he worked on the stimulus plan; had a classified intelligence meeting; met with congressional leaders . . . meanwhile, John McCain? He backed over his mailbox.
Craig Ferguson
How about Barack Obama’s new limousine? It’s a 100-foot long, heavily armored Cadillac . . . I think the real news here is that General Motors sold a car.
I’m actually surprised Obama has a limousine. I thought he’d go to work on a magical unicorn, galloping through traffic.
A new movie opened — “My Bloody Valentine 3-D.” It’s about trapped miners. That’s why Michael Jackson saw it three times already.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was really cold today: Iowa had a record low — 40 below zero. It was 17 below in Chicago. It got down to -50 in Maine. It was so cold in Maine, lobsters were asking to be boiled and dipped in melted butter.
It’s so cold in the Midwest, there are reports of people actually wearing the hideous sweaters they got for Christmas.
Lake Eerie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president.
Jay Leno
During President Bush’s farewell address, he said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right.
Now the real pressure is on. He only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina.
Barack Obama plans on issuing an executive order right away. He is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He says he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.
Some Starbucks are going to be selling coffee from China. But don’t worry — you’ll still be able to get the unleaded.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Obama's Getting Nervous
10. New slogan: "Yes we can . . . or maybe not, it's hard to say"
9. In moment of confusion, requested a $300 billion bailout from the bailout industry
8. He's up to not smoking three packs a day
7. Friends say he's looking frail, shaky and . . . no, that's McCain
6. He's so stressed, doctors say he's developing a Sanjay in his Gupta
5. Been walking around muttering, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"
4. Offered governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to buy his old Senate seat back
3. Standing on White House roof screaming, "Save us, Superman!"
2. Sweating like Bill Clinton when Hillary comes home early
1. He demanded a recount
David Letterman
On this date in 1991, the U.S. attacked Iraq. I’m so glad that’s all behind us now.
Happy birthday to Michelle Obama. For her birthday, Barack is getting her a new house.
I’m not sure how this is going to go, but Barack Obama is moving his mother-in-law into the white House with him. I thought this was the guy who was going to do away with torture.
Obama had a busy day: he worked on the stimulus plan; had a classified intelligence meeting; met with congressional leaders . . . meanwhile, John McCain? He backed over his mailbox.
Craig Ferguson
How about Barack Obama’s new limousine? It’s a 100-foot long, heavily armored Cadillac . . . I think the real news here is that General Motors sold a car.
I’m actually surprised Obama has a limousine. I thought he’d go to work on a magical unicorn, galloping through traffic.
A new movie opened — “My Bloody Valentine 3-D.” It’s about trapped miners. That’s why Michael Jackson saw it three times already.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It was really cold today: Iowa had a record low — 40 below zero. It was 17 below in Chicago. It got down to -50 in Maine. It was so cold in Maine, lobsters were asking to be boiled and dipped in melted butter.
It’s so cold in the Midwest, there are reports of people actually wearing the hideous sweaters they got for Christmas.
Lake Eerie is supposed to completely freeze over. Which is interesting, because a lot of people were predicting something would freeze over before we elected an African-American president.
