Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
In an interview, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency were the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that what was just at Christmas dinner with his family.
All across the country, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad, the offices are overwhelmed and they can’t even function. I have an idea: Why don’t you hire more people?
The economy is bad. At the Golden Globes last night, a lot of actresses showed up wearing the same lips they had last year.
The economy is so bad, I saw Lou Dobbs eating at Taco Bell.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Tips For Making It In Hollywood (From Owen Wilson)
10. Stay positive; develop your craft . . . ah, who am I kidding? Work hard sucking up to rich idiots who can help your career
9. When someone sees one of my movies, I call them at home the next day to thank them
8. Four words: Pantene Moisture Renewal Shampoo
7. Don't hassle the Hoff
6. Make a sex tape. Folks love to see famous people doin' it
5. Here's what I did: I answered an ad in the newspaper for "movie stars"
4. Get yourself a sneezing monkey
3. Avoid taxes by declaring yourself a church
2. Don't miss a chance to shamelessly promote your work — and go see the hilarious new film "Marley & Me," now playing at a theater near you
1. Try to do something funny on Leno
David Letterman
It’s cold all over the country. So cold, in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich had to put the wind flaps down on his hair.
The temperature here in New York City is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.
Two more weeks and President Bush’s term will be finished. He had his final press conference — only three shoes were thrown.
It’s kind of sad about Bush . . . especially for us — we’ll have to start writing our own comedy again.
Conan O'Brien
Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln’s route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Obama’s making the trip three days early because it’s Amtrak and even he only has so much hope.
The Secret Service is saying that it’s not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry because President Clinton only sent two e-mails during his entire presidency. Apparently, both of Clinton’s e-mails had the subject line, “Yes, I WOULD like to hear more about natural male enhancement.”
Toyota is developing a miniature, environmentally friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and Panda blood.
A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there’s a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat.
Craig Ferguson
The Detroit Auto Show opened today. America’s automakers are showing off their latest cars. Unfortunately, they didn’t get as much of the bailout as they thought, so a ticket into the auto show costs $1.3 billion.
They’re putting bigger rear view mirrors on cars, which I think is terrible. People in L.A. already spend too much time looking in the mirror — putting on their makeup, checking their lipstick . . . the women are even worse.
What became of electric cars? They were here one minute, then they were gone . . . like parachute pants.
Jay Leno
In an interview, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency were the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that what was just at Christmas dinner with his family.
All across the country, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad, the offices are overwhelmed and they can’t even function. I have an idea: Why don’t you hire more people?
The economy is bad. At the Golden Globes last night, a lot of actresses showed up wearing the same lips they had last year.
The economy is so bad, I saw Lou Dobbs eating at Taco Bell.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Tips For Making It In Hollywood (From Owen Wilson)
10. Stay positive; develop your craft . . . ah, who am I kidding? Work hard sucking up to rich idiots who can help your career
9. When someone sees one of my movies, I call them at home the next day to thank them
8. Four words: Pantene Moisture Renewal Shampoo
7. Don't hassle the Hoff
6. Make a sex tape. Folks love to see famous people doin' it
5. Here's what I did: I answered an ad in the newspaper for "movie stars"
4. Get yourself a sneezing monkey
3. Avoid taxes by declaring yourself a church
2. Don't miss a chance to shamelessly promote your work — and go see the hilarious new film "Marley & Me," now playing at a theater near you
1. Try to do something funny on Leno
David Letterman
It’s cold all over the country. So cold, in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich had to put the wind flaps down on his hair.
The temperature here in New York City is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.
Two more weeks and President Bush’s term will be finished. He had his final press conference — only three shoes were thrown.
It’s kind of sad about Bush . . . especially for us — we’ll have to start writing our own comedy again.
Conan O'Brien
Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln’s route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Obama’s making the trip three days early because it’s Amtrak and even he only has so much hope.
The Secret Service is saying that it’s not necessary for Barack Obama to have a BlackBerry because President Clinton only sent two e-mails during his entire presidency. Apparently, both of Clinton’s e-mails had the subject line, “Yes, I WOULD like to hear more about natural male enhancement.”
Toyota is developing a miniature, environmentally friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and Panda blood.
A senator from Ohio is retiring, and there’s a rumor that Dennis Kucinich may run for the Senate to replace him. If so, Kucinich would be the first guy in history to run for a Senate booster seat.
Craig Ferguson
The Detroit Auto Show opened today. America’s automakers are showing off their latest cars. Unfortunately, they didn’t get as much of the bailout as they thought, so a ticket into the auto show costs $1.3 billion.
They’re putting bigger rear view mirrors on cars, which I think is terrible. People in L.A. already spend too much time looking in the mirror — putting on their makeup, checking their lipstick . . . the women are even worse.
What became of electric cars? They were here one minute, then they were gone . . . like parachute pants.
