Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.
The plan came in two parts, and I guess they couldn’t agree which part to implement first — the smoke or the mirrors.
To give you an idea of how bad the economy is, over the weekend, I wrote a check and the bank bounced.
The vice presidential debate is Thursday. Here’s what Sarah Palin should do: Let Joe Biden have the first question. He’ll take 90 minutes to answer . . . then say, “We’re out of time! Who could have seen that coming?”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Features Of The Rejected $700 Billion Bailout
10. First 500 billion comes from Regis
9. If this bailout fails, promise of another $700 billion bailout to bailout the bailout
8. To give Americans a break, this week, gas is being lowered to nine bucks a gallon
7. For $20 you can bail yourself out with the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available now!
6. A billion dollars to rebuild the Mets bullpen
5. Instead of securities, they're now called "insecurities."
4. For some reason, Haliburton gets $500 billion
3. No number 3 — economy so bad writer sold computer
2. Everything west of the Mississippi will be sold to China
1. President Bush must send every American a "Sorry, I'm a dumbass" card
David Letterman
A group of mathematicians at UCLA has discovered the largest prime number. It has 13 million digits. Coincidentally, that’s the price tag of the federal bailout.
President Bush says the taxpayers could actually make a profit on the bailout. Well, that’s good enough for me.
Sen. John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts — he bailed out on me.
Kelly Ripa’s birthday today. Most people don’t know this, but she was actually John McCain’s first choice for a running mate.
Conan O'Brien
Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called "a crap sandwich." Congress hasn’t given up — they’re already working on a new plan they call "a crap sandwich with cheese.”
Today when the stock marked closed it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his administration’s bucket list.
Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric and they’re saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential.
Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.
Craig Ferguson
It was a terrible day. The Stock market fell a jazillion points. And Congress botched the bailout deal. Experts on Wall Street say it’s the biggest disaster to hit New York City since the Mets.
No one agrees who won the presidential debate of course. Republicans say McCain won; Democrats say Obama won; Bill Clinton says Hillary won.
The vice presidential debate is coming up this week. The VPs only get one debate, so it is really important. Some people say the vice president doesn’t do much in office, so it isn’t a big deal. I’ve got two words for people who say that: Dick and Cheney.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided among parties. It’s heartening to see Congress put aside party differences to come together to not get anything done.
This is the first time the stock market has lost almost a trillion dollars in one day. I don’t know . . . is it me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating?
Don’t look at it as all of us losing our money . . . look at it as an opportunity to all live together at Oprah’s house.
Every morning when they open the stock market, they ring a bell. And for the firast time since 1903, the bell didn’t ring. It wouldn’t ring. I think that’s what they call a bad omen.
Jay Leno
The bailout was voted down. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked that if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.
The plan came in two parts, and I guess they couldn’t agree which part to implement first — the smoke or the mirrors.
To give you an idea of how bad the economy is, over the weekend, I wrote a check and the bank bounced.
The vice presidential debate is Thursday. Here’s what Sarah Palin should do: Let Joe Biden have the first question. He’ll take 90 minutes to answer . . . then say, “We’re out of time! Who could have seen that coming?”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Features Of The Rejected $700 Billion Bailout
10. First 500 billion comes from Regis
9. If this bailout fails, promise of another $700 billion bailout to bailout the bailout
8. To give Americans a break, this week, gas is being lowered to nine bucks a gallon
7. For $20 you can bail yourself out with the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available now!
6. A billion dollars to rebuild the Mets bullpen
5. Instead of securities, they're now called "insecurities."
4. For some reason, Haliburton gets $500 billion
3. No number 3 — economy so bad writer sold computer
2. Everything west of the Mississippi will be sold to China
1. President Bush must send every American a "Sorry, I'm a dumbass" card
David Letterman
A group of mathematicians at UCLA has discovered the largest prime number. It has 13 million digits. Coincidentally, that’s the price tag of the federal bailout.
President Bush says the taxpayers could actually make a profit on the bailout. Well, that’s good enough for me.
Sen. John McCain is in favor of the bailout. He loves bailouts — he bailed out on me.
Kelly Ripa’s birthday today. Most people don’t know this, but she was actually John McCain’s first choice for a running mate.
Conan O'Brien
Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called "a crap sandwich." Congress hasn’t given up — they’re already working on a new plan they call "a crap sandwich with cheese.”
Today when the stock marked closed it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the 10th and final item on his administration’s bucket list.
Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric and they’re saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential.
Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Palin said she’d agree to pose for Playboy as long as there’s no interview.
Craig Ferguson
It was a terrible day. The Stock market fell a jazillion points. And Congress botched the bailout deal. Experts on Wall Street say it’s the biggest disaster to hit New York City since the Mets.
No one agrees who won the presidential debate of course. Republicans say McCain won; Democrats say Obama won; Bill Clinton says Hillary won.
The vice presidential debate is coming up this week. The VPs only get one debate, so it is really important. Some people say the vice president doesn’t do much in office, so it isn’t a big deal. I’ve got two words for people who say that: Dick and Cheney.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided among parties. It’s heartening to see Congress put aside party differences to come together to not get anything done.
This is the first time the stock market has lost almost a trillion dollars in one day. I don’t know . . . is it me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating?
Don’t look at it as all of us losing our money . . . look at it as an opportunity to all live together at Oprah’s house.
Every morning when they open the stock market, they ring a bell. And for the firast time since 1903, the bell didn’t ring. It wouldn’t ring. I think that’s what they call a bad omen.
