Thursday, September 18, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon.
President Bush has a plan to get us out the financial crisis: In January, he leaves office.
Last night, Barack Obama held a fundraiser. It was $28,500 a plate — $28,500! To be fair, it did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet.
I had a great dinner last night: I put on a Barbra Streisand CD, and ordered Dominos. I saved $28,488.
Conan O'Brien
This week, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! e-mail account, because she hadn’t taken the proper security measures. So it’s official — no one in the Palin family uses protection.
Barack Obama attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. This was historic because it’s the most money raised in one night and because it was the first time a black man ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert.
John McCain’s wife is angry. Cindy lashed out at the ladies of “The View” after the McCains appeared on the show. In response, Barbara Walters said, “She’s just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.”
Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical “The Lion King.” There was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader.
Craig Ferguson
The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He’s not stalling, though. It’s just going to take a long time to print them out.
He and Obama are tied. The polls are saying today that they each have 56 percent. Is it me? I think people are thinking it’s like “American Idol” — you can vote as many times as you like.
Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin. She just talks about John McCain. Which is not surprising — she’s very good at ignoring the other women.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The stock market crashed again today. This has been one of the worst financial weeks in American history. I was lucky — two weeks ago, I took all my money out of Lehman Brothers and invested it into the Jonas Brothers.
As happens in times of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor Flav’s mouth doubled.
It’s a bear market — and Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.
Jay Leno
Not a good sign: I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal — it’s now a nail salon.
President Bush has a plan to get us out the financial crisis: In January, he leaves office.
Last night, Barack Obama held a fundraiser. It was $28,500 a plate — $28,500! To be fair, it did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet.
I had a great dinner last night: I put on a Barbra Streisand CD, and ordered Dominos. I saved $28,488.
Conan O'Brien
This week, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! e-mail account, because she hadn’t taken the proper security measures. So it’s official — no one in the Palin family uses protection.
Barack Obama attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. This was historic because it’s the most money raised in one night and because it was the first time a black man ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert.
John McCain’s wife is angry. Cindy lashed out at the ladies of “The View” after the McCains appeared on the show. In response, Barbara Walters said, “She’s just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.”
Yesterday in Washington, President Bush met with the cast of the Broadway musical “The Lion King.” There was an awkward moment when Bush called Simba his favorite African leader.
Craig Ferguson
The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He’s not stalling, though. It’s just going to take a long time to print them out.
He and Obama are tied. The polls are saying today that they each have 56 percent. Is it me? I think people are thinking it’s like “American Idol” — you can vote as many times as you like.
Out on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton hasn’t been mentioning Sarah Palin. She just talks about John McCain. Which is not surprising — she’s very good at ignoring the other women.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The stock market crashed again today. This has been one of the worst financial weeks in American history. I was lucky — two weeks ago, I took all my money out of Lehman Brothers and invested it into the Jonas Brothers.
As happens in times of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor Flav’s mouth doubled.
It’s a bear market — and Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.
