Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
The stock market crashed yesterday, though analysts are calling it a correction. Once again, I don’t think President Bush gets it. Today, he was asked if customers should be concerned about all these bank closings. He said it doesn’t matter — if the bank is closed, just use the ATM.
The election is getting near. I don’t think Sarah Palin knows anything about the economy either. She was asked today what people should do in a bear market. She said, “Well, you should shoot it and skin it.”
In an interview with Charles Gibson, Palin didn’t know what the Bush Doctrine was. To be fair, a month ago she didn’t know who John McCain was either.
In her blog, Lindsay Lohan is speaking out against Sarah Palin, though most people are reserving judgment until they hear from Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points President Bush said, "Adjustments in the financial markets can be painful." Then he told the American people to bend over.
An adviser to John McCain claimed today that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. Or as McCain calls it, "The fancy garage-door opener."
Speaking of BlackBerrys — according to a new poll, the BlackBerry is so addictive that 87 percent of users bring their BlackBerrys to their bedrooms. And you know what they say ladies, once you go BlackBerry . . ."
Barack Obama’s campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. After hearing this, John McCain said, "And he says I’m out of touch with the American people."
Craig Ferguson
President Bush is back from the hospital. He had a growth removed from his head. It wasn’t a health issue — the growth just wanted to distance itself from him.
One of McCain’s advisers implied that John McCain helped invent the BlackBerry. He should have gone with something more believable like he helped invent fire or something.
Barack Obama had a big night — Barbra Streisand threw a big fundraiser for the Democrats. The dinner cost $28 grand a plate. For an extra grand you were allowed to leave before she started singing.
Nothing says I’m a man of the people like a star-studded dinner at a Beverly Hills hotel.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The OJ Simpson trial started yesterday. It was exciting for me, because I was worried that my kids would not get to experience their own OJ trial.
This time he’s being charged with kidnapping and robbery involving some guys who tried to sell some memorabilia he owned. I think it was his collection of Battlestar Galactica figurines.
This will distract us from the terrible news that we will all be jobless and homeless very soon. The Dow fell 504 points yesterday . . . I have no idea what that means, but apparently it’s really bad.
On Wall Street, they’re calling it Black Monday, but John McCain was quick to point out that it’s Black Monday — not “old white” Monday.
Jay Leno
The stock market crashed yesterday, though analysts are calling it a correction. Once again, I don’t think President Bush gets it. Today, he was asked if customers should be concerned about all these bank closings. He said it doesn’t matter — if the bank is closed, just use the ATM.
The election is getting near. I don’t think Sarah Palin knows anything about the economy either. She was asked today what people should do in a bear market. She said, “Well, you should shoot it and skin it.”
In an interview with Charles Gibson, Palin didn’t know what the Bush Doctrine was. To be fair, a month ago she didn’t know who John McCain was either.
In her blog, Lindsay Lohan is speaking out against Sarah Palin, though most people are reserving judgment until they hear from Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson.
Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points President Bush said, "Adjustments in the financial markets can be painful." Then he told the American people to bend over.
An adviser to John McCain claimed today that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. Or as McCain calls it, "The fancy garage-door opener."
Speaking of BlackBerrys — according to a new poll, the BlackBerry is so addictive that 87 percent of users bring their BlackBerrys to their bedrooms. And you know what they say ladies, once you go BlackBerry . . ."
Barack Obama’s campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. After hearing this, John McCain said, "And he says I’m out of touch with the American people."
Craig Ferguson
President Bush is back from the hospital. He had a growth removed from his head. It wasn’t a health issue — the growth just wanted to distance itself from him.
One of McCain’s advisers implied that John McCain helped invent the BlackBerry. He should have gone with something more believable like he helped invent fire or something.
Barack Obama had a big night — Barbra Streisand threw a big fundraiser for the Democrats. The dinner cost $28 grand a plate. For an extra grand you were allowed to leave before she started singing.
Nothing says I’m a man of the people like a star-studded dinner at a Beverly Hills hotel.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The OJ Simpson trial started yesterday. It was exciting for me, because I was worried that my kids would not get to experience their own OJ trial.
This time he’s being charged with kidnapping and robbery involving some guys who tried to sell some memorabilia he owned. I think it was his collection of Battlestar Galactica figurines.
This will distract us from the terrible news that we will all be jobless and homeless very soon. The Dow fell 504 points yesterday . . . I have no idea what that means, but apparently it’s really bad.
On Wall Street, they’re calling it Black Monday, but John McCain was quick to point out that it’s Black Monday — not “old white” Monday.
