Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
How many are here because after you paid your taxes Friday you could only afford free tickets?
Did you all get your taxes paid on Friday? Anybody worried? Look, you mailed the check to the IRS Friday, it won’t get there until tomorrow, they won’t open it until Thursday. They’ll deposit in on Friday, so relax, your check won’t bounce for another week.
Today President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market! good timing! What's the second choice? The National Bank of Iraq?
What’s going on - The Vatican today released a puff of black smoke which means they haven’t picked a new pope yet. White smoke will mean they have picked a pope, and Brown smoke means they’re burning a copy of "The Da Vinci Code”.
That’s how the Vatican communicates - puffs of smoke. Huh? Even Native Americans are going, "Get with the program! Geez, it’s 2005! We stopped with the smoke signal thing like 100 years ago.”
Howard Dean is out trying to rally the Democrats for 2008. he said that the Democrats have to stop "speaking down to voters”. And then John Kerry said, "I can’t do that. What’s the point of being better than everyone else if you can’t talk down to them? Doesn’t make any sense.”
NBC is claiming success with its new miniseries "Revelations” which they say is based loosely on the Bible. See they have to say "loosely” because no one in Hollywood actually has a Bible. They had to just wing it.
Leno
How many are here because after you paid your taxes Friday you could only afford free tickets?
Did you all get your taxes paid on Friday? Anybody worried? Look, you mailed the check to the IRS Friday, it won’t get there until tomorrow, they won’t open it until Thursday. They’ll deposit in on Friday, so relax, your check won’t bounce for another week.
Today President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market! good timing! What's the second choice? The National Bank of Iraq?
What’s going on - The Vatican today released a puff of black smoke which means they haven’t picked a new pope yet. White smoke will mean they have picked a pope, and Brown smoke means they’re burning a copy of "The Da Vinci Code”.
That’s how the Vatican communicates - puffs of smoke. Huh? Even Native Americans are going, "Get with the program! Geez, it’s 2005! We stopped with the smoke signal thing like 100 years ago.”
Howard Dean is out trying to rally the Democrats for 2008. he said that the Democrats have to stop "speaking down to voters”. And then John Kerry said, "I can’t do that. What’s the point of being better than everyone else if you can’t talk down to them? Doesn’t make any sense.”
NBC is claiming success with its new miniseries "Revelations” which they say is based loosely on the Bible. See they have to say "loosely” because no one in Hollywood actually has a Bible. They had to just wing it.
