Thursday, April 14, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
As you know, Prince Charles married his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowes, over the weekend. And it's a mixed marriage, did you know that? He's Episcopalian, and she's a Clydesdale.
There was one awkward moment when the minister said, "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" and he's talking to Charles.
The district attorney will claim that Michael Jackson molested actor Macauley Culkin. You know what that means. Michael was cheating on Webster.
Today on Capitol Hill, police confronted a shady-looking character carrying two suitcases and just standing there. Huge suitcases. At first people were upset, they thought it was Majority Leader Tom DeLay packing his bags to go home, but no … (laughter) They found out it was a Chinese take-out guy bringing Ted Kennedy's lunch.
Letterman
How many folks saw the Masters yesterday on CBS? (applause) Congratulations to Tiger Woods, he won his fourth Masters golf tournament, what an amazing accomplishment. (applause) Tremendous. I was not aware of this, but if Tiger Woods wins one more green jacket, he officially becomes a Cristo project.
You know, you wake up and you've got that sick feeling in your stomach? You know what it is? It's tax time, for the love of God. Are you folks prepared for taxes? (boos) I am very proud of myself. I am very organized when it comes to record-keeping. As a matter of fact, I always ask my date for a receipt. (laughter) And by the way, you cannot deduct this show as entertainment.
Maybe you heard about this. Last week, a guy delivering Chinese food – did you hear about this? Up in the Bronx? [He] gets trapped in the elevator, and he's there for three days. (laughter) Three days! Finally the police find him and it turns out he's okay and everything, but listen to this, he had another terrible experience earlier today. It's crazy. For several hours he was trapped under Kirstie Alley.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Vying To Be The Next Pope
10. Often stops at Costco to buy communal wafers in bulk.
9. Threatens to send you to hell if your dog craps on his lawn again.
8. Short on money, he just made the Domino's kid a saint.
7. Regularly offers to baptize you with the garden hose.
6. His name is Kenny, but he asks you to call him John Paul.
5. Refers to his studio apartment as the "Little Vatican."
4. The son-of-a-bitch keeps hitting on your wife in Latin.
3. You ask how he's feeling and he replies, "Oh, quite Popey, thank you!"
2. He asks if you want to go giant hat shopping.
1. Book on his coffee table: "How to turn your Ford Focus into a popemobile."
Conan
This is crazy – a 57-year-old woman became the oldest American to give birth to twins. Fifty-seven! Which means by the time the twins stop eating baby food, the mother will be ready to start.
Today Palestinians said an emotional farewell to their former leader Yasser Arafat. A spokesperson for the Palestinians said, "We haven't been this upset since last week."
A man in England is marketing a cell phone in the shape of a Star Trek communicator. The man says the Star Trek cell phone works great but that it is unable to make contact with women.
Miller
In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested. . . Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali... Except, of course, for the black part.
To mark Good Friday last week, several Catholic devotees in the Philippines allowed themselves to be crucified. By the way, if you take Friday off from work to be crucified, do you count it as a sick day or a vacation day?
This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I looked stupid with bangs.
Ferguson
62-year-old Harrison Ford has announced he'll be filming "Indiana Jones 4." It's called "Indiana Jones and the Search for a Gentle Laxative."
A photo shoot for this month's Vanity Fair turned into chaos when a cat fight broke out between the cast of "Desperate Housewives." Cops raced to the scene and said, "Yes!"
A businessman was removed from an airplane for reading a pornographic magazine during the flight. Apparently his seat wasn't the only thing in the upright position.
Leno
As you know, Prince Charles married his longtime girlfriend, Camilla Parker-Bowes, over the weekend. And it's a mixed marriage, did you know that? He's Episcopalian, and she's a Clydesdale.
There was one awkward moment when the minister said, "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" and he's talking to Charles.
The district attorney will claim that Michael Jackson molested actor Macauley Culkin. You know what that means. Michael was cheating on Webster.
Today on Capitol Hill, police confronted a shady-looking character carrying two suitcases and just standing there. Huge suitcases. At first people were upset, they thought it was Majority Leader Tom DeLay packing his bags to go home, but no … (laughter) They found out it was a Chinese take-out guy bringing Ted Kennedy's lunch.
Letterman
How many folks saw the Masters yesterday on CBS? (applause) Congratulations to Tiger Woods, he won his fourth Masters golf tournament, what an amazing accomplishment. (applause) Tremendous. I was not aware of this, but if Tiger Woods wins one more green jacket, he officially becomes a Cristo project.
You know, you wake up and you've got that sick feeling in your stomach? You know what it is? It's tax time, for the love of God. Are you folks prepared for taxes? (boos) I am very proud of myself. I am very organized when it comes to record-keeping. As a matter of fact, I always ask my date for a receipt. (laughter) And by the way, you cannot deduct this show as entertainment.
Maybe you heard about this. Last week, a guy delivering Chinese food – did you hear about this? Up in the Bronx? [He] gets trapped in the elevator, and he's there for three days. (laughter) Three days! Finally the police find him and it turns out he's okay and everything, but listen to this, he had another terrible experience earlier today. It's crazy. For several hours he was trapped under Kirstie Alley.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Vying To Be The Next Pope
10. Often stops at Costco to buy communal wafers in bulk.
9. Threatens to send you to hell if your dog craps on his lawn again.
8. Short on money, he just made the Domino's kid a saint.
7. Regularly offers to baptize you with the garden hose.
6. His name is Kenny, but he asks you to call him John Paul.
5. Refers to his studio apartment as the "Little Vatican."
4. The son-of-a-bitch keeps hitting on your wife in Latin.
3. You ask how he's feeling and he replies, "Oh, quite Popey, thank you!"
2. He asks if you want to go giant hat shopping.
1. Book on his coffee table: "How to turn your Ford Focus into a popemobile."
Conan
This is crazy – a 57-year-old woman became the oldest American to give birth to twins. Fifty-seven! Which means by the time the twins stop eating baby food, the mother will be ready to start.
Today Palestinians said an emotional farewell to their former leader Yasser Arafat. A spokesperson for the Palestinians said, "We haven't been this upset since last week."
A man in England is marketing a cell phone in the shape of a Star Trek communicator. The man says the Star Trek cell phone works great but that it is unable to make contact with women.
Miller
In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested. . . Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali... Except, of course, for the black part.
To mark Good Friday last week, several Catholic devotees in the Philippines allowed themselves to be crucified. By the way, if you take Friday off from work to be crucified, do you count it as a sick day or a vacation day?
This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear Factor' episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I looked stupid with bangs.
Ferguson
62-year-old Harrison Ford has announced he'll be filming "Indiana Jones 4." It's called "Indiana Jones and the Search for a Gentle Laxative."
A photo shoot for this month's Vanity Fair turned into chaos when a cat fight broke out between the cast of "Desperate Housewives." Cops raced to the scene and said, "Yes!"
A businessman was removed from an airplane for reading a pornographic magazine during the flight. Apparently his seat wasn't the only thing in the upright position.
