Wednesday, April 6, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Letterman
I'm having such a miserable day. Here's what happened today. For lunch today, I said I'm going over to Wendy's ... I get over to Wendy's, and they're all out of body parts.
Folks, you excited about baseball? Sunday, of course, was opening day at Yankee Stadium. (applause) I think it's great. It's nice to know there's still someplace you can go for a $19 beer.
But I'll tell you what I love, I love the Yankees-Red Sox series. (applause) I love the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the smell of the tear gas ...
It was chilly at opening day at Yankee Stadium. It was so cold Jose Canseco was injecting players with hot cocoa.
How about President Bush? Have you folks been enjoying the new, relaxed President Bush? He's more relaxed, and they say the reason President George Bush is more relaxed is every afternoon he gets a full-body massage. The afternoon massage takes the place of the old Bush method – vodka.
I was thinking about this – a full-body massage in late afternoon ... isn't that what got the last guy impeached?
Conan
Star Jones is getting married this weekend. Yeah. Star Jones says that after her wedding this weekend, she's hoping to take her husband's name. Meanwhile, the guy she's marrying said that after the wedding, he's hoping Star will untie him and let him go.
Ferguson
You probably just saw on David Letterman's show, Jane Fonda was on. She's got a new tell-all book, of all her ex-husbands, and it's kinda freakin' me out. 'Cause I'm thinking maybe some of the ex-Mrs. Fergusons will be doing tell-all books. (laughter) There's only two of them. I don't know that there's much to tell, though. I don't. It's more of a tell-all pamphlet, I suppose.
Have you been watching the Michael Jackson trial? I've decided I'm not going to do any more Michael Jackson gags. It's just a late-night thing, I'm not going to do it. It's because (a) they're not very good, and (b) they're starting to creep me out. All this new evidence and stuff, it looks like he's going to jail. He's going down! ... That's a bad choice of words ...
I'm doing no more Michael Jackson jokes. But ... the judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face.
Here's some other music business news. Eminem and 50 Cent will co-headline the "Anger Management" tour this summer. (laughter) The two-month tour will start in Indianapolis and end in prison.
Letterman
I'm having such a miserable day. Here's what happened today. For lunch today, I said I'm going over to Wendy's ... I get over to Wendy's, and they're all out of body parts.
Folks, you excited about baseball? Sunday, of course, was opening day at Yankee Stadium. (applause) I think it's great. It's nice to know there's still someplace you can go for a $19 beer.
But I'll tell you what I love, I love the Yankees-Red Sox series. (applause) I love the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the smell of the tear gas ...
It was chilly at opening day at Yankee Stadium. It was so cold Jose Canseco was injecting players with hot cocoa.
How about President Bush? Have you folks been enjoying the new, relaxed President Bush? He's more relaxed, and they say the reason President George Bush is more relaxed is every afternoon he gets a full-body massage. The afternoon massage takes the place of the old Bush method – vodka.
I was thinking about this – a full-body massage in late afternoon ... isn't that what got the last guy impeached?
Conan
Star Jones is getting married this weekend. Yeah. Star Jones says that after her wedding this weekend, she's hoping to take her husband's name. Meanwhile, the guy she's marrying said that after the wedding, he's hoping Star will untie him and let him go.
Ferguson
You probably just saw on David Letterman's show, Jane Fonda was on. She's got a new tell-all book, of all her ex-husbands, and it's kinda freakin' me out. 'Cause I'm thinking maybe some of the ex-Mrs. Fergusons will be doing tell-all books. (laughter) There's only two of them. I don't know that there's much to tell, though. I don't. It's more of a tell-all pamphlet, I suppose.
Have you been watching the Michael Jackson trial? I've decided I'm not going to do any more Michael Jackson gags. It's just a late-night thing, I'm not going to do it. It's because (a) they're not very good, and (b) they're starting to creep me out. All this new evidence and stuff, it looks like he's going to jail. He's going down! ... That's a bad choice of words ...
I'm doing no more Michael Jackson jokes. But ... the judge in the Michael Jackson trial has ruled that past allegations against Michael Jackson are now admissible. Michael was so upset when he got the news, some color actually drained into his face.
Here's some other music business news. Eminem and 50 Cent will co-headline the "Anger Management" tour this summer. (laughter) The two-month tour will start in Indianapolis and end in prison.
