Tuesday, April 5, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
You know, there's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside. (laughter) Then I know it's too long.
President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'"
You know the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and President Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam.
In West Virginia, a guy gets into a fight with his girlfriend. He supposedly put a container of gasoline in her microwave oven and set the house on fire. Isn't that crazy, isn't that nuts? Doesn't this guy know the price of gas now?
Letterman's Top Ten
From March 29, 2005 Top Ten Ways Airlines are Cutting Back:
10. Pilots have to pay for their inflight cocktails.
9. Ticket agents urging travelers to stay home.
8. To maximize space, seats no longer recline a luxurious inch-and-a-half.
7. Oxygen mask compartments replaced with video poker screens.
6. Instead of complimentary pillows, wadded-up clothing pulled out of checked luggage.
5. Difference between first class and coach? A bite-size 3 Musketeers bar.
4. From now on, planes will taxi from one destination to another on the interstate.
3. I don't know, but how hard is it to open them peanuts, am I right people?
2. In case of water landing, your only flotation device is the fat guy in 16F.
1. Inflight "movie" is home video of the pilot "Gettin' It On".
Conan
I don't know if you're aware, ladies and gentlemen, but Martha Stewart's back in the news. She's in the news again. It's been reported that Martha Stewart wants her company to reimburse her for the $4 million she paid in legal fees. Martha explained, "The money's not just for me – I have a wife now."
The Washington Post has a story. The Washington Post is reporting that Ralph Nader is demanding a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire. He wants a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire, yeah. A New Hampshire official agreed and said, "One, two. . . Yeah, it's two."
Yesterday in New York, a woman gave birth to twins just before her 57th birthday. Fifty-seven. Apparently the woman and the twins are doing well, but the doctor is still a little nauseous.
Ferguson
Big weekend, and of course, a tragic weekend as well. The world lost a great man. The owner of Purdue Chicken, Frank Purdue, passed away at the age of 84 . . . (laughter). It's very sad. It was an open casket, with a side order of cole slaw and a buttered roll.
A new report found out that more and more pot smokers are purchasing their drug of choice on credit cards. Isn't that unbelievable? Pot on credit! Things have changed a bit since my young day, I can tell you. What are they using, the Jamaican Express Card?
There's a new voice-activated remote control that's changing the way people watch TV. For instance, you can say, "I want to watch 'Joey,'" and the remote will laugh for up to 30 seconds.
Leno
You know, there's been a lot of talk these past few weeks about living wills. You know what I'm talking about; getting things down in writing. You know, this made me think, really. In fact, I told my wife over the weekend, if I am ever incapacitated, I want her to pull the plug the minute Jesse Jackson shows up at my bedside. (laughter) Then I know it's too long.
President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'"
You know the difference between Jane Fonda, President Clinton and President Bush? Jane Fonda's the only one that actually went to Vietnam.
In West Virginia, a guy gets into a fight with his girlfriend. He supposedly put a container of gasoline in her microwave oven and set the house on fire. Isn't that crazy, isn't that nuts? Doesn't this guy know the price of gas now?
Letterman's Top Ten
From March 29, 2005 Top Ten Ways Airlines are Cutting Back:
10. Pilots have to pay for their inflight cocktails.
9. Ticket agents urging travelers to stay home.
8. To maximize space, seats no longer recline a luxurious inch-and-a-half.
7. Oxygen mask compartments replaced with video poker screens.
6. Instead of complimentary pillows, wadded-up clothing pulled out of checked luggage.
5. Difference between first class and coach? A bite-size 3 Musketeers bar.
4. From now on, planes will taxi from one destination to another on the interstate.
3. I don't know, but how hard is it to open them peanuts, am I right people?
2. In case of water landing, your only flotation device is the fat guy in 16F.
1. Inflight "movie" is home video of the pilot "Gettin' It On".
Conan
I don't know if you're aware, ladies and gentlemen, but Martha Stewart's back in the news. She's in the news again. It's been reported that Martha Stewart wants her company to reimburse her for the $4 million she paid in legal fees. Martha explained, "The money's not just for me – I have a wife now."
The Washington Post has a story. The Washington Post is reporting that Ralph Nader is demanding a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire. He wants a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire, yeah. A New Hampshire official agreed and said, "One, two. . . Yeah, it's two."
Yesterday in New York, a woman gave birth to twins just before her 57th birthday. Fifty-seven. Apparently the woman and the twins are doing well, but the doctor is still a little nauseous.
Ferguson
Big weekend, and of course, a tragic weekend as well. The world lost a great man. The owner of Purdue Chicken, Frank Purdue, passed away at the age of 84 . . . (laughter). It's very sad. It was an open casket, with a side order of cole slaw and a buttered roll.
A new report found out that more and more pot smokers are purchasing their drug of choice on credit cards. Isn't that unbelievable? Pot on credit! Things have changed a bit since my young day, I can tell you. What are they using, the Jamaican Express Card?
There's a new voice-activated remote control that's changing the way people watch TV. For instance, you can say, "I want to watch 'Joey,'" and the remote will laugh for up to 30 seconds.
