Sunday, April 10, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. The good news – today he put in for another Purple Heart.
Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial, if you've been following this thing. A former security guard said he saw Michael performing sex acts. It's pretty amazing when you consider his first two wives never even saw that.
As you know, one boy [in the trial] mentioned a "tickling game" that got out of hand. Which is, coincidentally, how I got this job.
President Clinton flew back from Rome with President Bush on Air Force One. President Bush showed Clinton some of the changes they'd made in the plane since Clinton last flew in it. In fact, when they got back to the sleeping quarters, Clinton looked at the ceiling and said, "Hey, where are the mirrors?"
Hey, did you know this? Before they went to Rome, President Bush let his father and Bill Clinton sit in on his daily intelligence briefings. And both Bush Sr. and Clinton were surprised it was done in the form of a puppet show.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low, how about that? (applause) And I think it's probably true, because I'm tellin' ya, it's been weeks since I've had to say, "Let's see how tough you are without that knife, punk!" (laughter/applause) It's been weeks since I've had to play dead on a bank floor.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I look tired, if I look exhausted, there's a good reason for it. I don't get much sleep anymore. I haven't had any sleep in about a week. Here's the problem – every time I roll over, I hurt my leg on Martha's electronic ankle bracelet.
As you know, Martha Stewart is finally out of the slammer, and she's now under house arrest. For five months she can't leave the grounds of her 160-acre estate. . . now, this is serious! If you see her outside of her estate, do not try to apprehend her yourself! Phone the authorities!
Letterman's Top Ten
From March 1, 2005 Top Ten Other Changes At CNN:
10. Interactive feature allows viewers to administer painful electric shock to Larry King.
9. Changing name to CNNN.
8. Let's just say Paula Zahn is now Paul Zahn.
7. Last 10 minutes of newscasts achors sing hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today.
6. Every night, one lucky viewer receives an on-air physical from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
5. They're putting Lou Dobbs on steroids.
4. Reporters must make quotation marks with fingers when calling Bush "President."
3. Every Sunday it's "WKRP in Cincinnati" marathons!
2. When covering a hard story, reporters ask, "What would Jack Daniels do?"
1. Wolf Blitzer changing name to Blitz Wolfer.
Conan
Martha Stewart says she's going to increase magazine sales by focusing less on the how-to and more on the why. Martha says if that doesn't work she'll start writing lesbo prison stories.
'Fat Actress' star Kirstie Alley announced that every time she strays from her diet she donates $100 to her favorite charity. As a result 3 diseases have been completely eradicated.
In a recent interview, James Brown said that he's not going to retire because he says in the music business 'I'm like Moses.' According to the Bible, Moses waived a gun at his wife and ran away from police in his bikini underwear.
Miller
Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos.
Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon has created a new comic book called "The Incredible Popeman," featuring Pope John Paul II as a superhero who battles evil with an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants, and cavorts with Superman and Batman. And that's why Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon is going to hell. How are you actively taunting God? Write us. We'd like to know.
There are reports that 17 year old British singer Joss Stone has moved in with her 25 year old boyfriend, a decision that some speculate might cause her to be fired from her lucrative endorsement deal with the Gap. However, she has been selected as the new face for the latest fragrance from Calvin Klein, "Statutory - For When You Just Can't Wait."
Ferguson
It's springtime in Hollywood, isn't in just beautiful? I like to go out in the morning, I like to have a walk in the park. I walk around the L.A. park. I'm in the park this morning, I see the Robert Blake jurors walking their seeing-eye dogs.
Springtime is court season in Hollywood as well! (laughter) Michael Jackson's in court. He's been late for court a lot because he can't figure out how to set his alarm clock. (laughter) It's true! He always has trouble with the little hand.
Gas prices in L.A. have gone nuts! It's crazy! Gas is so expensive now, there is a carpool lane for drive-by shootings!
Leno
John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. The good news – today he put in for another Purple Heart.
Here's the latest in the Michael Jackson trial, if you've been following this thing. A former security guard said he saw Michael performing sex acts. It's pretty amazing when you consider his first two wives never even saw that.
As you know, one boy [in the trial] mentioned a "tickling game" that got out of hand. Which is, coincidentally, how I got this job.
President Clinton flew back from Rome with President Bush on Air Force One. President Bush showed Clinton some of the changes they'd made in the plane since Clinton last flew in it. In fact, when they got back to the sleeping quarters, Clinton looked at the ceiling and said, "Hey, where are the mirrors?"
Hey, did you know this? Before they went to Rome, President Bush let his father and Bill Clinton sit in on his daily intelligence briefings. And both Bush Sr. and Clinton were surprised it was done in the form of a puppet show.
Letterman
Crime in New York City is at an all-time low, how about that? (applause) And I think it's probably true, because I'm tellin' ya, it's been weeks since I've had to say, "Let's see how tough you are without that knife, punk!" (laughter/applause) It's been weeks since I've had to play dead on a bank floor.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I look tired, if I look exhausted, there's a good reason for it. I don't get much sleep anymore. I haven't had any sleep in about a week. Here's the problem – every time I roll over, I hurt my leg on Martha's electronic ankle bracelet.
As you know, Martha Stewart is finally out of the slammer, and she's now under house arrest. For five months she can't leave the grounds of her 160-acre estate. . . now, this is serious! If you see her outside of her estate, do not try to apprehend her yourself! Phone the authorities!
Letterman's Top Ten
From March 1, 2005 Top Ten Other Changes At CNN:
10. Interactive feature allows viewers to administer painful electric shock to Larry King.
9. Changing name to CNNN.
8. Let's just say Paula Zahn is now Paul Zahn.
7. Last 10 minutes of newscasts achors sing hits from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today.
6. Every night, one lucky viewer receives an on-air physical from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
5. They're putting Lou Dobbs on steroids.
4. Reporters must make quotation marks with fingers when calling Bush "President."
3. Every Sunday it's "WKRP in Cincinnati" marathons!
2. When covering a hard story, reporters ask, "What would Jack Daniels do?"
1. Wolf Blitzer changing name to Blitz Wolfer.
Conan
Martha Stewart says she's going to increase magazine sales by focusing less on the how-to and more on the why. Martha says if that doesn't work she'll start writing lesbo prison stories.
'Fat Actress' star Kirstie Alley announced that every time she strays from her diet she donates $100 to her favorite charity. As a result 3 diseases have been completely eradicated.
In a recent interview, James Brown said that he's not going to retire because he says in the music business 'I'm like Moses.' According to the Bible, Moses waived a gun at his wife and ran away from police in his bikini underwear.
Miller
Approximately 5,000 people attended the funeral of Johnnie Cochran on Wednesday, including O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Actually, O.J. played a major role at the funeral, as he led a slow speed procession to the cemetery in a convoy of white Ford Broncos.
Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon has created a new comic book called "The Incredible Popeman," featuring Pope John Paul II as a superhero who battles evil with an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants, and cavorts with Superman and Batman. And that's why Colombian artist Rodolfo Leon is going to hell. How are you actively taunting God? Write us. We'd like to know.
There are reports that 17 year old British singer Joss Stone has moved in with her 25 year old boyfriend, a decision that some speculate might cause her to be fired from her lucrative endorsement deal with the Gap. However, she has been selected as the new face for the latest fragrance from Calvin Klein, "Statutory - For When You Just Can't Wait."
Ferguson
It's springtime in Hollywood, isn't in just beautiful? I like to go out in the morning, I like to have a walk in the park. I walk around the L.A. park. I'm in the park this morning, I see the Robert Blake jurors walking their seeing-eye dogs.
Springtime is court season in Hollywood as well! (laughter) Michael Jackson's in court. He's been late for court a lot because he can't figure out how to set his alarm clock. (laughter) It's true! He always has trouble with the little hand.
Gas prices in L.A. have gone nuts! It's crazy! Gas is so expensive now, there is a carpool lane for drive-by shootings!
