Saturday, April 9, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
You know what's the difference between the Lakers and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson actually gets excited about heading to the showers.
Not looking good for Michael. His accountants announced today he is finished doing his taxes. He's declared three children as defendants, and 47 accusers…
This week, tourists are flocking to Washington, flocking, because … the cherry blossoms are in full bloom. Did you know that? It's really, really beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful, President Bush told the logging industry, 'Wait 'til next week to chop 'em down.'
Well, under the new requirements – you know, we're tightening up the border, you know how it is – they say Canadians who, up to this point only need to show a driver's license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs.
President Bush's approval rating at an all-time low, 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact, he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we could invade.
Senator John Kerry, on crutches today . . . he said he needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained from all those years of trying to go in two directions at the same time.
Letterman
I have some bad news for you folks. . . subway crime here in New York City is up. It's getting worse. And I think this may be true because I'm coming to work this morning on the train . . . (laughter) and some teen punks exposed me as a sniveling coward in front of my date.
The gates are gone – the gates are leaving New York City. So if you're in Central Park and you see something colorful fluttering in the breeze, it's crime-scene tape.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Slogans For The Breast Enlargement Gum:
10. Puttin' the "yum" in Bubble Yum.
9. Go to the store and check out our rack.
8. Recommended by five out of five dentists.
7. Triple D-Licious.
6. Some Bazooka for your Bazookas.
5. Makes you feel minty and slutty!
4. Get a mouthful.
3. Bursting with flavor and bursting out of your shirt!
2. Double your pleasure, double your fun.
1. Talk about your juicy fruits.
Conan
The pope's funeral continues. So much coverage of the pope's funeral, and they keep coming up with these new facts all the time. I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope's will to the public. I didn't know that he had a will . . . the surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology.
All the world leaders are attending. President Bush is there, his dad – the first President Bush – I think President Clinton is there. And it was reported today that Cuban leader Fidel Castro will not be attending the pope's funeral. Yeah. Apparently, Castro wanted to attend, but he doesn't think his raft will arrive in time.
The company Sony says it is developing a television that will allow viewers to smell – I'm not making this up – to smell what is on the screen. It's true. In a related story, the 'Murder, She Wrote' reunion show has been canceled.
Miller
Cuban leader Fidel Castro signed the Pope's condolence book Monday. Because there's no greater friend of religion than a brutal communist dictator. . . And in an uncharacteristically generous gesture, Castro said that any Cuban citizens who wish to pay their respects to the Pope at the Vatican will be given a free raft and a push.
On Tuesday, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales urged lawmakers to make permanent all 15 expiring provisions of the Patriot Act. Gonzalez claims that the government has never used the Patriot Act's power of secret warrants to obtain library, bookstore, medical, or gun store records. So if you're a terrorist bookworm with colon polyps who loves AK-47's, this is your day.
In an effort to beef up U.S. border security, starting in 2008, Americans will need passports to enter the United States from Canada and Mexico, while Canadians will have to present a passport to enter from Canada. Mexicans, on the other hand, will still just have to be able to run really fast.
Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline have a new reality show coming out on the UPN network. Well, it's nice to see Britney finally capitalizing off Federline's amazing star power.
Ferguson
First day of spring here in Los Angeles – I saw a robin with breast implants and an ass-tuck. (laughter) Nothing says spring like plastic surgery on wildlife.
I had a lovely walk in the park today . . . It was one of those, 'only in L.A.' scenes. I saw an old man on a park bench feeding the pigeons to Kirstie Alley.
NBC has renewed 'Joey' for another season. And no one could be happier with the decision than Joey's viewer. . . who called in earlier today.
A judge today ordered a man to stay 100 feet away from Janet Jackson. Now here's the test to see if you're too close – if you can see her nipple without squinting.
Michael Jackson, the other Jackson, was late to court due to illness. The good news is, he's got a clean bill of health from the ear, nose, nose, nose, no nose, and throat doctor.
Kimmel
A lot going on in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday, they had a fingerprint expert to analyze prints they found on a Penthouse Magazine the police seized from the Neverland Ranch. Apparently, the prints are from Michael, Michael's accuser, the accuser's brother, and a giraffe, which was weird…
They say Michael's prints were very prominent because his fingers were covered with a film of Tootsie Pops and Lunchables.
Leno
You know what's the difference between the Lakers and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson actually gets excited about heading to the showers.
Not looking good for Michael. His accountants announced today he is finished doing his taxes. He's declared three children as defendants, and 47 accusers…
This week, tourists are flocking to Washington, flocking, because … the cherry blossoms are in full bloom. Did you know that? It's really, really beautiful. In fact, it is so beautiful, President Bush told the logging industry, 'Wait 'til next week to chop 'em down.'
Well, under the new requirements – you know, we're tightening up the border, you know how it is – they say Canadians who, up to this point only need to show a driver's license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs.
President Bush's approval rating at an all-time low, 45 percent. He's very concerned about this. In fact, he's trying to get it back up. He even asked Condoleezza Rice for a list of small countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction that we could invade.
Senator John Kerry, on crutches today . . . he said he needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained from all those years of trying to go in two directions at the same time.
Letterman
I have some bad news for you folks. . . subway crime here in New York City is up. It's getting worse. And I think this may be true because I'm coming to work this morning on the train . . . (laughter) and some teen punks exposed me as a sniveling coward in front of my date.
The gates are gone – the gates are leaving New York City. So if you're in Central Park and you see something colorful fluttering in the breeze, it's crime-scene tape.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Slogans For The Breast Enlargement Gum:
10. Puttin' the "yum" in Bubble Yum.
9. Go to the store and check out our rack.
8. Recommended by five out of five dentists.
7. Triple D-Licious.
6. Some Bazooka for your Bazookas.
5. Makes you feel minty and slutty!
4. Get a mouthful.
3. Bursting with flavor and bursting out of your shirt!
2. Double your pleasure, double your fun.
1. Talk about your juicy fruits.
Conan
The pope's funeral continues. So much coverage of the pope's funeral, and they keep coming up with these new facts all the time. I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope's will to the public. I didn't know that he had a will . . . the surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology.
All the world leaders are attending. President Bush is there, his dad – the first President Bush – I think President Clinton is there. And it was reported today that Cuban leader Fidel Castro will not be attending the pope's funeral. Yeah. Apparently, Castro wanted to attend, but he doesn't think his raft will arrive in time.
The company Sony says it is developing a television that will allow viewers to smell – I'm not making this up – to smell what is on the screen. It's true. In a related story, the 'Murder, She Wrote' reunion show has been canceled.
Miller
Cuban leader Fidel Castro signed the Pope's condolence book Monday. Because there's no greater friend of religion than a brutal communist dictator. . . And in an uncharacteristically generous gesture, Castro said that any Cuban citizens who wish to pay their respects to the Pope at the Vatican will be given a free raft and a push.
On Tuesday, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales urged lawmakers to make permanent all 15 expiring provisions of the Patriot Act. Gonzalez claims that the government has never used the Patriot Act's power of secret warrants to obtain library, bookstore, medical, or gun store records. So if you're a terrorist bookworm with colon polyps who loves AK-47's, this is your day.
In an effort to beef up U.S. border security, starting in 2008, Americans will need passports to enter the United States from Canada and Mexico, while Canadians will have to present a passport to enter from Canada. Mexicans, on the other hand, will still just have to be able to run really fast.
Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline have a new reality show coming out on the UPN network. Well, it's nice to see Britney finally capitalizing off Federline's amazing star power.
Ferguson
First day of spring here in Los Angeles – I saw a robin with breast implants and an ass-tuck. (laughter) Nothing says spring like plastic surgery on wildlife.
I had a lovely walk in the park today . . . It was one of those, 'only in L.A.' scenes. I saw an old man on a park bench feeding the pigeons to Kirstie Alley.
NBC has renewed 'Joey' for another season. And no one could be happier with the decision than Joey's viewer. . . who called in earlier today.
A judge today ordered a man to stay 100 feet away from Janet Jackson. Now here's the test to see if you're too close – if you can see her nipple without squinting.
Michael Jackson, the other Jackson, was late to court due to illness. The good news is, he's got a clean bill of health from the ear, nose, nose, nose, no nose, and throat doctor.
Kimmel
A lot going on in the Michael Jackson trial. Yesterday, they had a fingerprint expert to analyze prints they found on a Penthouse Magazine the police seized from the Neverland Ranch. Apparently, the prints are from Michael, Michael's accuser, the accuser's brother, and a giraffe, which was weird…
They say Michael's prints were very prominent because his fingers were covered with a film of Tootsie Pops and Lunchables.
