Thursday, April 28, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Have you heard the news? Elton John, our good friend Elton John, announced he will be getting married later this year. I don’t think President Bush knows Elton John. Like today He said, "Hey congratulations! Who’s the lucky gal?”
See I’m hooked up to a taser and if I do any Bush jokes, the first lady can zap me from backstage.
It’s official - Elton John’s publicist said that the singer is going to marry his long time companion. Elton said that after Prince Charles and Camilla’s wedding he thought people were ready for same sex marriages.
I was reading about our new pope. The new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th said that he prayed he would not get elected. And today Hillary called the Pope and said, "Hey can you pray for me in 2008?”
New Jersey officials are encouraging all state government workers there to lead healthier lifestyles because the state is spending too much money on health insurance. In fact, they say the healthiest thing you can do is….get out of New Jersey.
How disgusting is this? here it is folks, this is the end of the world….A restaurant in Decatur, Georgia is now serving a double bacon cheeseburger that is served between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We are now officially ancient Rome. This is the end of our civilization as we know it. In fact, they don’t know how many calories are in this thing because nobody can count that high!
Direct TV announced it’s coming out with satellite as an option is the Cadillac Escalade. The Escalades have incredible stereos in them, refrigerators, now satellite TV. Do you realize they’re just one bathroom away from being a mobile home?
Andy Rooney is at it again – last night on "60 Minutes” he blasted three commentators for appearing on the CBS Evening News without wearing ties. He says he can remember when he started, reporters always wore ties and a powdered wig and buckles on their shoes.
Letterman
It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City today. Absolutely beautiful! It was so nice I saw a hearse with the sun roof down.
It was so nice in New York City today I saw construction workers giving the Statue of Liberty her annual bikini wax.
It’s prom season. I remember my prom. It was terrible. I went with my cousin. I don’t know who was more embarrassed – me or him?
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Prom Themes:
10. Prelude To A Hangover
9. I Only Have Eyes For Your Hot Friend
8. Eternally Seacrest
7. Welcome To The World Of Herpes
6. Tomorrow We Work At Arby's!
5. Save The Last Dance For The Creepy Shop Teacher
4. A Magical Evening With Robert Blake
3. Next Stop - Teen Pregnancy
2. Night In Rome.., I mean, The Gymnasium
1. Enchantment Under House Arrest
Conan
I can’t believe this is a news story. Paris Hilton was in the news today because she burned herself from the exhaust from her new Ferrari. After getting burned she said, "That’s hot.”
Miller
Newly elected Pope Benedict XVI said on Monday that he had prayed to God that he would not be elected. The new pope then went on to emphasize the power of prayer.
However, when he was chosen, Pope Benedict shelved his doubts and like all good Germans, simply followed orders.
You know, God truly does work in mysterious ways when Robert Blake's prayers are answered and the pope's aren't.
Leno
Have you heard the news? Elton John, our good friend Elton John, announced he will be getting married later this year. I don’t think President Bush knows Elton John. Like today He said, "Hey congratulations! Who’s the lucky gal?”
See I’m hooked up to a taser and if I do any Bush jokes, the first lady can zap me from backstage.
It’s official - Elton John’s publicist said that the singer is going to marry his long time companion. Elton said that after Prince Charles and Camilla’s wedding he thought people were ready for same sex marriages.
I was reading about our new pope. The new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th said that he prayed he would not get elected. And today Hillary called the Pope and said, "Hey can you pray for me in 2008?”
New Jersey officials are encouraging all state government workers there to lead healthier lifestyles because the state is spending too much money on health insurance. In fact, they say the healthiest thing you can do is….get out of New Jersey.
How disgusting is this? here it is folks, this is the end of the world….A restaurant in Decatur, Georgia is now serving a double bacon cheeseburger that is served between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We are now officially ancient Rome. This is the end of our civilization as we know it. In fact, they don’t know how many calories are in this thing because nobody can count that high!
Direct TV announced it’s coming out with satellite as an option is the Cadillac Escalade. The Escalades have incredible stereos in them, refrigerators, now satellite TV. Do you realize they’re just one bathroom away from being a mobile home?
Andy Rooney is at it again – last night on "60 Minutes” he blasted three commentators for appearing on the CBS Evening News without wearing ties. He says he can remember when he started, reporters always wore ties and a powdered wig and buckles on their shoes.
Letterman
It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City today. Absolutely beautiful! It was so nice I saw a hearse with the sun roof down.
It was so nice in New York City today I saw construction workers giving the Statue of Liberty her annual bikini wax.
It’s prom season. I remember my prom. It was terrible. I went with my cousin. I don’t know who was more embarrassed – me or him?
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Prom Themes:
10. Prelude To A Hangover
9. I Only Have Eyes For Your Hot Friend
8. Eternally Seacrest
7. Welcome To The World Of Herpes
6. Tomorrow We Work At Arby's!
5. Save The Last Dance For The Creepy Shop Teacher
4. A Magical Evening With Robert Blake
3. Next Stop - Teen Pregnancy
2. Night In Rome.., I mean, The Gymnasium
1. Enchantment Under House Arrest
Conan
I can’t believe this is a news story. Paris Hilton was in the news today because she burned herself from the exhaust from her new Ferrari. After getting burned she said, "That’s hot.”
Miller
Newly elected Pope Benedict XVI said on Monday that he had prayed to God that he would not be elected. The new pope then went on to emphasize the power of prayer.
However, when he was chosen, Pope Benedict shelved his doubts and like all good Germans, simply followed orders.
You know, God truly does work in mysterious ways when Robert Blake's prayers are answered and the pope's aren't.
