Thursday, April 7, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
The United States announced today a plan that will tighten all borders by 2008. Mexico announced a plan to have all their people here by 2007.
As you know, President Bush and Laura Bush took Bill Clinton with them to Rome for the papal services. It's a delegation of the faithful and unfaithful, I guess…
I tease – actually, Bill Clinton met with the pope four times. Four times! Of course, it was for confession.
There was no testimony in the Michael Jackson trial today. Apparently, all the witnesses had a big spelling test. (laughter) More bad new for Michael Jackson. It now looks as though is inner child will testify against him.
There was a concern at zoos in China that their panda population may be in trouble. Apparently, the pandas are so fat, they can't mate. Well, that hasn't stopped us Americans, has it? Send those pandas over here!
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay
"A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"
"Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."
"Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!"
"Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"
"When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me."
"What a lovely bouquet from Osama."
"For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."
"We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries."
"Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?"
"Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him."
Conan
Right now, all the world leaders are headed to Rome. President Bush flew to the Vatican today, and he told reporters, this is nice, that he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. (applause) Here's the bad part. Bush added, 'I was also a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I.'
This is interesting. Prince Charles has postponed his wedding to Camila Parker-Bowles, because it was scheduled for the same day as the pope's funeral. When asked about it, Charles said, 'I don't want this enormous, tragic event to compete with the pope's funeral.'
The rapper C Murder – that's his name, C Murder – says that his name has been hurting his chances of getting paroled on murder charges. . . (laughter) So, C Murder is changing his name to C Miller. Soon afterwards, he confessed to several Millers…
An article in the Journal of the American Medical Association says doctors have discovered a new drug that helps alcoholics quit drinking. (cheers and boos) Yeah. Unfortunately the drug is called heroin.
Miller
This week, the nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America!'
During the selection process, the Cardinals will be kept isolated from the rest of the world, with no cell phones, no radios, and no television. When asked if this would be a burden to them in the 21st century world, one Cardinal responded, 'Is the Pope Catholic?'
Martha Stewart's lawyers have asked a judge to relax the terms of Stewart's house arrest at her Connecticut mansion so that she would no longer be required to wear an electronic monitoring bracelet. (CRIES) Sorry. Sometimes human suffering just overwhelms me. I'll be okay.
Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget.
Ferguson
I want to wish you a happy Tartan Day! Tartan is plaid. Scottish people call plaid tartan, and Americans call tartan plaid. Plaid is a checked pattern. In Scotland plaid is used to identify your family. The Ferguson's have a Ferguson plaid; the MacDonald's have a MacDonald plaid. . . it's kind of like gang colors from the Middle Ages. (laughter) It's like the Crips and the Bloods get a make-over from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Today's also the day that President Bush flew to Rome today for the pope's funeral. It was not Tartan Day in Rome. (laughter) Not even Toga Day in Rome.
It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when Bush met a group of cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros.
Did you hear about the rapper C Murder, who was convicted of murder? He's appealing against his conviction and changing his stage name in hopes of convincing people he's innocent. It's true. So from now on, he'll be known as 'R. Blake."
Kimmel
Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL.
Michael Jackson – singer, I don't know if you've heard of him. . . (laughter). He got a break from his trial today, and he needed it because, I mean, the Ferris Wheel hadn't been oiled, the giraffes hadn't been milked . . . I mean, the Neverland Ranch is a mess.
Michael Jackson actually went to a funeral today. It's kind of weird, because on one hand, you have the pope lying in state, and on the other you have Johnnie Cochran. I think that's what they mean by the yin and the yang. (laughter) Thousands of people showed up for his funeral today to pay their respects. In particular, I think Johnnie's family will miss him, as well as his colleagues, his former clients, and really, anyone else whoever killed his wife.
After the polls closed [in Iraq] there is a new interim president . . . He's called the 'interim president' because he's only going to be in office until he's killed. (laughter) Get this – his last name is Talabani. . . Jalal Talabani. He beat out a guy, I think, by the name of Ahmed Terroristi.
Rapper C Murder is changing his name, this is true, to try to get his conviction for. . . murder. . . (laughter) reduced. He's thinking of changing it to C Misdemeanor.
Leno
The United States announced today a plan that will tighten all borders by 2008. Mexico announced a plan to have all their people here by 2007.
As you know, President Bush and Laura Bush took Bill Clinton with them to Rome for the papal services. It's a delegation of the faithful and unfaithful, I guess…
I tease – actually, Bill Clinton met with the pope four times. Four times! Of course, it was for confession.
There was no testimony in the Michael Jackson trial today. Apparently, all the witnesses had a big spelling test. (laughter) More bad new for Michael Jackson. It now looks as though is inner child will testify against him.
There was a concern at zoos in China that their panda population may be in trouble. Apparently, the pandas are so fat, they can't mate. Well, that hasn't stopped us Americans, has it? Send those pandas over here!
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Hospital Stay
"A nurse is coming! Put him in the restraints!"
"Strange--his veins have no blood. It's just Crisco."
"Canseco's here with something that'll make you feel amazing!"
"Five more heart surgeries and you'll tie Cheney!"
"When I told him no sex for a month, he pulled a scalpel on me."
"What a lovely bouquet from Osama."
"For some reason, he always forgets the surgical gown opens in the back."
"We removed the scar tissue from the heart, as well as several impacted french fries."
"Al Gore! When did you start working as an oderly?"
"Hillary wants to know if you would neuter him."
Conan
Right now, all the world leaders are headed to Rome. President Bush flew to the Vatican today, and he told reporters, this is nice, that he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. (applause) Here's the bad part. Bush added, 'I was also a big fan of his dad, Pope John Paul I.'
This is interesting. Prince Charles has postponed his wedding to Camila Parker-Bowles, because it was scheduled for the same day as the pope's funeral. When asked about it, Charles said, 'I don't want this enormous, tragic event to compete with the pope's funeral.'
The rapper C Murder – that's his name, C Murder – says that his name has been hurting his chances of getting paroled on murder charges. . . (laughter) So, C Murder is changing his name to C Miller. Soon afterwards, he confessed to several Millers…
An article in the Journal of the American Medical Association says doctors have discovered a new drug that helps alcoholics quit drinking. (cheers and boos) Yeah. Unfortunately the drug is called heroin.
Miller
This week, the nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America!'
During the selection process, the Cardinals will be kept isolated from the rest of the world, with no cell phones, no radios, and no television. When asked if this would be a burden to them in the 21st century world, one Cardinal responded, 'Is the Pope Catholic?'
Martha Stewart's lawyers have asked a judge to relax the terms of Stewart's house arrest at her Connecticut mansion so that she would no longer be required to wear an electronic monitoring bracelet. (CRIES) Sorry. Sometimes human suffering just overwhelms me. I'll be okay.
Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget.
Ferguson
I want to wish you a happy Tartan Day! Tartan is plaid. Scottish people call plaid tartan, and Americans call tartan plaid. Plaid is a checked pattern. In Scotland plaid is used to identify your family. The Ferguson's have a Ferguson plaid; the MacDonald's have a MacDonald plaid. . . it's kind of like gang colors from the Middle Ages. (laughter) It's like the Crips and the Bloods get a make-over from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Today's also the day that President Bush flew to Rome today for the pope's funeral. It was not Tartan Day in Rome. (laughter) Not even Toga Day in Rome.
It was a very somber moment, and a very awkward moment, when Bush met a group of cardinals and congratulated them on beating the Astros.
Did you hear about the rapper C Murder, who was convicted of murder? He's appealing against his conviction and changing his stage name in hopes of convincing people he's innocent. It's true. So from now on, he'll be known as 'R. Blake."
Kimmel
Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL.
Michael Jackson – singer, I don't know if you've heard of him. . . (laughter). He got a break from his trial today, and he needed it because, I mean, the Ferris Wheel hadn't been oiled, the giraffes hadn't been milked . . . I mean, the Neverland Ranch is a mess.
Michael Jackson actually went to a funeral today. It's kind of weird, because on one hand, you have the pope lying in state, and on the other you have Johnnie Cochran. I think that's what they mean by the yin and the yang. (laughter) Thousands of people showed up for his funeral today to pay their respects. In particular, I think Johnnie's family will miss him, as well as his colleagues, his former clients, and really, anyone else whoever killed his wife.
After the polls closed [in Iraq] there is a new interim president . . . He's called the 'interim president' because he's only going to be in office until he's killed. (laughter) Get this – his last name is Talabani. . . Jalal Talabani. He beat out a guy, I think, by the name of Ahmed Terroristi.
Rapper C Murder is changing his name, this is true, to try to get his conviction for. . . murder. . . (laughter) reduced. He's thinking of changing it to C Misdemeanor.
