Saturday, April 2, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Well, it's spring break across the country – a lot of spring break kids here tonight? (applause) Of course, next week is "spring breakout," where kids start noticing, "Hey, there's a thing on my lip ..."
Gasoline prices continue to rise here in California. Prices are the highest in the nation, well over three dollars a gallon in some places. Unbelievable. The gas station near my house, they have a slot for your credit card and another one for your 401(k).
Well, this is interesting. Actually, it's kind of creepy. In Malibu, road crew workers – you know how the mudslides are? – they found a severed foot in a pile of dirt. They think it may have fallen off a delivery truck on its way to Wendy's.
President Bush's approval rating now dropped 10 points, to a record low of 45 percent. Do you realize if the presidential elections were held today, John Kerry would have to work twice as hard to lose.
President Bush says this week he will ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. Apparently he found out there were still some people left in Mexico.
Letterman
The weather here in New York City is unbelievably beautiful. It's like the first truly lovely day of spring, it's fantastic. I'll give you an idea of how good the weather is in New York City. Over at Mount Sinai [Hospital], the surgeons were actually performing vasectomies on the roof.
The thing I love about springtime in New York – and you folks have probably noticed this – it's that everybody's more friendly. People are just friendlier. I'm walking to work today (laughter) ... I can walk to work! I'm not Oprah! (laughter) This beautiful woman stops me right on the sidewalk and she says, "Stop following me!"
I want to tell you something, and this is nothing for you tourists to worry about, but here in New York City we've got a big problem. Seems like every week there's a new big problem. You know what it is this week? Potholes. Giant potholes. We're not talking about little dinky things. We're talking about giant ... massive ... so deep that the feds actually think Osama bin Laden is hiding in one down on Eighth Avenue.
But it was sunny today. It was so sunny that the finger in my chili had a tan.
Wendy's, God bless 'em, they've got a brand new promotion for their chili. Now instead of a spoon, they serve it with nail clippers.
Conan
There's a big scandal involving the Boy Scouts. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, the national director of the Boy Scouts of America was arrested on child pornography charges. Yeah. Apparently, police became suspicious when they noticed he was the national director of the Boy Scouts of America.
In a speech yesterday, first lady Laura Bush said that every American should have a living will. After hearing this, M.C. Hammer said, "Hell, I don't even have a living room."
It's was a bad day for Michael Jackson, because new tapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an honorary Trekkie.
Martha Stewart is back in the news. Martha Stewart has been complaining that her electronic ankle bracelet has given her a terrible rash. After hearing this, Paris Hilton said, "You mean I've been wearing an electronic ankle bracelet?"
Miller
Hey, folks, let's cut to the chase on illegal immigration. A recent study shows that the number of illegal immigrants in this country jumped to 11 million over the past few years, which basically means if our nation's borders were any more violated, they'd be guests at Neverland Ranch.
Ferguson
It's springtime in L.A. I love it! Isn't it beautiful? Nature's blooming – even the smog is piney fresh.
Another telltale sign it's springtime in L.A. – the transvestites were lying out this morning on Sunset Boulevard. to get some sun color on their Adam's apples.
New allegations have surfaced that some professional football players have taken steroids. In fact, some of them have gotten so big they've taken up baseball.
Kimmel
Speaking of World Women's Day, you know, on Mother's Day you have to buy flowers, but you only have one mother. There are, like, 3 billion women on earth, so I guess everybody's just going to have to get a card.
You know what I do on Women's Day? It's a thing – every Women's Day for the past three years, I sacrifice a live baby goat to Oprah.
Leno
Well, it's spring break across the country – a lot of spring break kids here tonight? (applause) Of course, next week is "spring breakout," where kids start noticing, "Hey, there's a thing on my lip ..."
Gasoline prices continue to rise here in California. Prices are the highest in the nation, well over three dollars a gallon in some places. Unbelievable. The gas station near my house, they have a slot for your credit card and another one for your 401(k).
Well, this is interesting. Actually, it's kind of creepy. In Malibu, road crew workers – you know how the mudslides are? – they found a severed foot in a pile of dirt. They think it may have fallen off a delivery truck on its way to Wendy's.
President Bush's approval rating now dropped 10 points, to a record low of 45 percent. Do you realize if the presidential elections were held today, John Kerry would have to work twice as hard to lose.
President Bush says this week he will ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. Apparently he found out there were still some people left in Mexico.
Letterman
The weather here in New York City is unbelievably beautiful. It's like the first truly lovely day of spring, it's fantastic. I'll give you an idea of how good the weather is in New York City. Over at Mount Sinai [Hospital], the surgeons were actually performing vasectomies on the roof.
The thing I love about springtime in New York – and you folks have probably noticed this – it's that everybody's more friendly. People are just friendlier. I'm walking to work today (laughter) ... I can walk to work! I'm not Oprah! (laughter) This beautiful woman stops me right on the sidewalk and she says, "Stop following me!"
I want to tell you something, and this is nothing for you tourists to worry about, but here in New York City we've got a big problem. Seems like every week there's a new big problem. You know what it is this week? Potholes. Giant potholes. We're not talking about little dinky things. We're talking about giant ... massive ... so deep that the feds actually think Osama bin Laden is hiding in one down on Eighth Avenue.
But it was sunny today. It was so sunny that the finger in my chili had a tan.
Wendy's, God bless 'em, they've got a brand new promotion for their chili. Now instead of a spoon, they serve it with nail clippers.
Conan
There's a big scandal involving the Boy Scouts. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, the national director of the Boy Scouts of America was arrested on child pornography charges. Yeah. Apparently, police became suspicious when they noticed he was the national director of the Boy Scouts of America.
In a speech yesterday, first lady Laura Bush said that every American should have a living will. After hearing this, M.C. Hammer said, "Hell, I don't even have a living room."
It's was a bad day for Michael Jackson, because new tapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an honorary Trekkie.
Martha Stewart is back in the news. Martha Stewart has been complaining that her electronic ankle bracelet has given her a terrible rash. After hearing this, Paris Hilton said, "You mean I've been wearing an electronic ankle bracelet?"
Miller
Hey, folks, let's cut to the chase on illegal immigration. A recent study shows that the number of illegal immigrants in this country jumped to 11 million over the past few years, which basically means if our nation's borders were any more violated, they'd be guests at Neverland Ranch.
Ferguson
It's springtime in L.A. I love it! Isn't it beautiful? Nature's blooming – even the smog is piney fresh.
Another telltale sign it's springtime in L.A. – the transvestites were lying out this morning on Sunset Boulevard. to get some sun color on their Adam's apples.
New allegations have surfaced that some professional football players have taken steroids. In fact, some of them have gotten so big they've taken up baseball.
Kimmel
Speaking of World Women's Day, you know, on Mother's Day you have to buy flowers, but you only have one mother. There are, like, 3 billion women on earth, so I guess everybody's just going to have to get a card.
You know what I do on Women's Day? It's a thing – every Women's Day for the past three years, I sacrifice a live baby goat to Oprah.
