Sunday, April 3, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
You know what I watched last night – I hadn't seen it in about 20 years – "Mad Max, the Road Warrior," the Mel Gibson movie ... what was that, about 1980? It takes place when gas is so precious, people are killing each other for a couple of gallons. And it was set some time in the future – I think it was the summer of 2005.
Did you hear about this? A woman in Kettering, Ohio, gave birth to a baby at a gas station. So apparently now, when you fill your tank, they take your first-born.
President Bush's approval rating has slipped to 45 percent, his lowest ever. In fact it is so low, today he was named an honorary Democrat.
You know who's birthday it is today? Al Gore, 57 years old. They had a birthday party for him. He blew out the candles and everyone yelled, "NO speech! NO speech!" (laughter) You know, you realize, Al Gore's been retired from government now for five years ... five years. Well, 13 years if count his years as vice president.
Hundreds of private citizens begin patrolling the Mexican border beginning this weekend, to try to stem the tide of illegal immigration in this country. Unfortunately, the pay is so low the only people signing up are illegal immigrants.
Lisa Marie Presley will kick off her spring tour April 26, in support of her new album. Her album is called, "Now What?" which is the same thing Michael [Jackson] said to her on their wedding night.
Letterman
What a beautiful day in New York City. Wasn't it wonderful, lovely? (applause) Beautiful, beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice, earlier today I saw a funeral procession pull into Dairy Queen.
It was so nice here in New York City today, I saw a couple of nuns outside St. Patrick's taking a cigarette break.
Baseball season begins this weekend ... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids (laughter)... And that's just in the hot dogs.
I don't know if you folks from out of town have experienced this or not, but big problems, big trouble in New York City. Every week there's a big problem, and now, do you know what it is? Giant potholes. Thousands of giant potholes all over New York City. ... One pothole I saw was so deep, you could look into it and actually see where Scott Peterson is headed.
Good news, ladies and gentlemen ... organ donation is up 6 percent. And that's just in the chili at Wendy's.
Conan
Yesterday, President Bush told reporters that even though his Social Security plan has hurt his popularity, he, quote, "remained undeterred." Then the president giggled and said, "I said turd ..."
Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Yeah. Afterwards, Demi Moore said, "I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance."
Big news last night – Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne were forced out of bed when their house caught on fire. Ozzie was stunned and confused – and then the fire started ...
Miller
This week, the Supreme Court made it easier for workers over 40 to allege age discrimination, saying that employers can be held liable even if they never intended any harm. The age discrimination issue is especially close to the Justices' hearts, having just heard earlier this week that they're being replaced by the cast of "The O.C."
First lady Laura Bush made a quick visit to Afghanistan on Tuesday, where she met with President Hamid Karzai and had dinner with U.S. troops. It's actually very beautiful in Afghanistan this time of year, with all the heroin in bloom.
A San Francisco company is offering a 'Lady Wingman' service where for 50 dollars an hour a woman helps a single man meet women at a bar. Or, for $50 an hour, you can get a cheap hooker. It's your call, Maverick.
A flight attendant that flew with Michael Jackson and his accuser from Miami to Santa Barbara testified Wednesday that she served Jackson wine in a Diet Coke can. You know, I guess when your nose is down to a piece of bathtub stopper, you don't really need glassware to release the bouquet anymore.
Ferguson
What a lovely day it was in Los Angeles today, wasn't it lovely? Beautiful! (applause) Spring's in the air – it's so nice people moved their crystal meth labs out on the front lawn.
Here's a story – a frightening story in many ways ... well, we'll see. A woman in Louisiana discovered $40,000 worth of cocaine wrapped around the fuel tank of her car. It's true! So she sold it and bought a tank of gas.
This is fascinating – I heard this today – this is fascinating. Studies show that rats enjoy tickling. (light laughter) Rats enjoy tickling! They like to get tickled! I don't know what that actually tells you. I mean, they also enjoy crapping in your pantry.
Kimmel
How many of you are here on spring break? (applause) What percentage of you actually expect to graduate from the college your parents are sending you to? (applause/laugher) Enjoy the weekend, though, because next week it's back to class, back to dorm rooms, back to vomiting in the bathtub because you couldn't make it to the toilet ...
Not a good week for Michael Jackson, the low light being when he showed up to court an hour and forty minutes late. No one knew where he was. Michael claims he was hospitalized with back problems. He's had a bad back, I guess, ever since he tried to give both Macaulay Culkin and Immanuel Lewis a piggyback ride at the same time.
Squeamish Mel Gibson fans like myself will be happy to hear that opening in theaters tonight, a recut version of "Passion of the Christ." I guess they edited it to make it more family-friendly. In this version, Jesus just gets community service.
Leno
You know what I watched last night – I hadn't seen it in about 20 years – "Mad Max, the Road Warrior," the Mel Gibson movie ... what was that, about 1980? It takes place when gas is so precious, people are killing each other for a couple of gallons. And it was set some time in the future – I think it was the summer of 2005.
Did you hear about this? A woman in Kettering, Ohio, gave birth to a baby at a gas station. So apparently now, when you fill your tank, they take your first-born.
President Bush's approval rating has slipped to 45 percent, his lowest ever. In fact it is so low, today he was named an honorary Democrat.
You know who's birthday it is today? Al Gore, 57 years old. They had a birthday party for him. He blew out the candles and everyone yelled, "NO speech! NO speech!" (laughter) You know, you realize, Al Gore's been retired from government now for five years ... five years. Well, 13 years if count his years as vice president.
Hundreds of private citizens begin patrolling the Mexican border beginning this weekend, to try to stem the tide of illegal immigration in this country. Unfortunately, the pay is so low the only people signing up are illegal immigrants.
Lisa Marie Presley will kick off her spring tour April 26, in support of her new album. Her album is called, "Now What?" which is the same thing Michael [Jackson] said to her on their wedding night.
Letterman
What a beautiful day in New York City. Wasn't it wonderful, lovely? (applause) Beautiful, beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice, earlier today I saw a funeral procession pull into Dairy Queen.
It was so nice here in New York City today, I saw a couple of nuns outside St. Patrick's taking a cigarette break.
Baseball season begins this weekend ... If you think about it, I love everything about baseball. I love the resin, I love the pine tar, I love the steroids (laughter)... And that's just in the hot dogs.
I don't know if you folks from out of town have experienced this or not, but big problems, big trouble in New York City. Every week there's a big problem, and now, do you know what it is? Giant potholes. Thousands of giant potholes all over New York City. ... One pothole I saw was so deep, you could look into it and actually see where Scott Peterson is headed.
Good news, ladies and gentlemen ... organ donation is up 6 percent. And that's just in the chili at Wendy's.
Conan
Yesterday, President Bush told reporters that even though his Social Security plan has hurt his popularity, he, quote, "remained undeterred." Then the president giggled and said, "I said turd ..."
Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Yeah. Afterwards, Demi Moore said, "I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance."
Big news last night – Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne were forced out of bed when their house caught on fire. Ozzie was stunned and confused – and then the fire started ...
Miller
This week, the Supreme Court made it easier for workers over 40 to allege age discrimination, saying that employers can be held liable even if they never intended any harm. The age discrimination issue is especially close to the Justices' hearts, having just heard earlier this week that they're being replaced by the cast of "The O.C."
First lady Laura Bush made a quick visit to Afghanistan on Tuesday, where she met with President Hamid Karzai and had dinner with U.S. troops. It's actually very beautiful in Afghanistan this time of year, with all the heroin in bloom.
A San Francisco company is offering a 'Lady Wingman' service where for 50 dollars an hour a woman helps a single man meet women at a bar. Or, for $50 an hour, you can get a cheap hooker. It's your call, Maverick.
A flight attendant that flew with Michael Jackson and his accuser from Miami to Santa Barbara testified Wednesday that she served Jackson wine in a Diet Coke can. You know, I guess when your nose is down to a piece of bathtub stopper, you don't really need glassware to release the bouquet anymore.
Ferguson
What a lovely day it was in Los Angeles today, wasn't it lovely? Beautiful! (applause) Spring's in the air – it's so nice people moved their crystal meth labs out on the front lawn.
Here's a story – a frightening story in many ways ... well, we'll see. A woman in Louisiana discovered $40,000 worth of cocaine wrapped around the fuel tank of her car. It's true! So she sold it and bought a tank of gas.
This is fascinating – I heard this today – this is fascinating. Studies show that rats enjoy tickling. (light laughter) Rats enjoy tickling! They like to get tickled! I don't know what that actually tells you. I mean, they also enjoy crapping in your pantry.
Kimmel
How many of you are here on spring break? (applause) What percentage of you actually expect to graduate from the college your parents are sending you to? (applause/laugher) Enjoy the weekend, though, because next week it's back to class, back to dorm rooms, back to vomiting in the bathtub because you couldn't make it to the toilet ...
Not a good week for Michael Jackson, the low light being when he showed up to court an hour and forty minutes late. No one knew where he was. Michael claims he was hospitalized with back problems. He's had a bad back, I guess, ever since he tried to give both Macaulay Culkin and Immanuel Lewis a piggyback ride at the same time.
Squeamish Mel Gibson fans like myself will be happy to hear that opening in theaters tonight, a recut version of "Passion of the Christ." I guess they edited it to make it more family-friendly. In this version, Jesus just gets community service.
