Saturday, April 16, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
As you know, Prince Charles married Camilla over the weekend. Which now raises the question – who's going to be his mistress now?
If you watched [the wedding], do you know that Charles and Camilla never kissed? They did not kiss. That's because in England, a lot of people there still do not approve of these same-sex marriages.
A very scary moment in Washington, D.C. yesterday. Capitol Police tackled - tackled - and dragged away a desperate man with two suitcases. Stationed himself in front of the Capitol building, stayed there for an hour, and demanded to get into the White House. You know, I think John Kerry's starting to lose it.
MSNBC is predicting that the archbishop of Bombay could be the next pope. Bombay? Even the job of pope is being outsourced to India now!
Letterman
I'm proud to say that today, I'm 47 years old. (applause) That's right. I don't count the 11 years I spent at NBC.
What a beautiful day here in New York City. It's so sunny here in New York City today, Jose Canseco was injecting players in the ass with Coppertone.
A judge now says that Martha Stewart cannot leave her 153-acre estate. Ladies and gentlemen, this sends a clear message to the criminal world. . . (laughter) . . . "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time."
The deal was Martha went to court because she wanted to spend more hours away from home, and I'm thinking, yeah, who can blame her? Who wouldn't want to get away from that $12 million, 153-acre hellhole?
Conan
Anybody watch the royal wedding this weekend? Very exciting. Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. And get this – Phil Collins was one of the guests at the royal wedding. In fact, at one point Phil Collins looked around and said, "Wow, I'm the best-looking person here."
The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, somebody actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!"
A company has come out with a brand-new breath analyzer that can tell parents if their child has been smoking pot. (boos) This is how it works. Apparently, you hand your child a tube, and if he inhales and passes it to you, he's smoking pot.
Miller
A 12-year-old Seattle student and his friends were caught and suspended for counterfeiting one-dollar bills. Something tells me that someday that kid's gonna be the head of a multi-national energy company.
The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Yeah, nothing hits the spot on a 150-degree Iraqi day like delicious maple syrup. . . Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness.
Jackson's former chef testified Friday that he saw the pop star reach up Macauley Culkin's shorts as he was delivering French fries to Jackson one night. Of course, at the Neverland Ranch, that's called a Happy Meal.
Ferguson
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
This week the Supreme Court will hear a case about Internet music piracy. Now, regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: It will be the first time Chief Justice William Rehnquist has said the word, "Hoobastank."
The Pentagon is developing a robot that can perform surgeries by remote control. Surgeries by remote control! This will allow doctors to operate from as far away as the ninth hole.
Leno
As you know, Prince Charles married Camilla over the weekend. Which now raises the question – who's going to be his mistress now?
If you watched [the wedding], do you know that Charles and Camilla never kissed? They did not kiss. That's because in England, a lot of people there still do not approve of these same-sex marriages.
A very scary moment in Washington, D.C. yesterday. Capitol Police tackled - tackled - and dragged away a desperate man with two suitcases. Stationed himself in front of the Capitol building, stayed there for an hour, and demanded to get into the White House. You know, I think John Kerry's starting to lose it.
MSNBC is predicting that the archbishop of Bombay could be the next pope. Bombay? Even the job of pope is being outsourced to India now!
Letterman
I'm proud to say that today, I'm 47 years old. (applause) That's right. I don't count the 11 years I spent at NBC.
What a beautiful day here in New York City. It's so sunny here in New York City today, Jose Canseco was injecting players in the ass with Coppertone.
A judge now says that Martha Stewart cannot leave her 153-acre estate. Ladies and gentlemen, this sends a clear message to the criminal world. . . (laughter) . . . "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time."
The deal was Martha went to court because she wanted to spend more hours away from home, and I'm thinking, yeah, who can blame her? Who wouldn't want to get away from that $12 million, 153-acre hellhole?
Conan
Anybody watch the royal wedding this weekend? Very exciting. Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. And get this – Phil Collins was one of the guests at the royal wedding. In fact, at one point Phil Collins looked around and said, "Wow, I'm the best-looking person here."
The makers of Bowflex have been ordered to pay a $1 million penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked, and said, "You mean, somebody actually used their Bowflex? Nobody uses their Bowflex!"
A company has come out with a brand-new breath analyzer that can tell parents if their child has been smoking pot. (boos) This is how it works. Apparently, you hand your child a tube, and if he inhales and passes it to you, he's smoking pot.
Miller
A 12-year-old Seattle student and his friends were caught and suspended for counterfeiting one-dollar bills. Something tells me that someday that kid's gonna be the head of a multi-national energy company.
The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Yeah, nothing hits the spot on a 150-degree Iraqi day like delicious maple syrup. . . Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness.
Jackson's former chef testified Friday that he saw the pop star reach up Macauley Culkin's shorts as he was delivering French fries to Jackson one night. Of course, at the Neverland Ranch, that's called a Happy Meal.
Ferguson
It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."
This week the Supreme Court will hear a case about Internet music piracy. Now, regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: It will be the first time Chief Justice William Rehnquist has said the word, "Hoobastank."
The Pentagon is developing a robot that can perform surgeries by remote control. Surgeries by remote control! This will allow doctors to operate from as far away as the ninth hole.
