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Kerry Finally Signs Vietnam Release

After pledging to Tim Russert that he would sign a form authorizing the Defense Department to release his military records, Sen. John Kerry has finally put his signature on the document.

Appearing on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Jan. 30, Kerry told host Tim Russert that he would sign the form known as SF 180, but did not say when he would do it.

It took him a solid 110 days to get around to it, and then only after a continuous drumbeat of demands from some conservatives.

A Kerry spokesman told the Washington Times the form is now in the hands of the Navy, where it will be processed before being passed to the National Personnel Records Center. The process could take a couple of months.

Once they are made public, the documents will either prove or disprove claims the Swift Boat veterans leveled against the senator during the 2004 presidential election campaign.

Kerry and his media allies such as the New York Times called the Swift Boat vets a bunch of politically motivated operatives who they claimed shamelessly vilified Kerry's war record.

For their part the vets charged that Kerry's real Vietnam service was so at odds with what he had for years claimed was his heroic war record that it proved him, as they put it, "unfit for command" as America's commander in chief.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Well you all ready for the big Memorial Day weekend coming up? A lot people will be piling their families into the SUV driving to the gas station, see the price of gas and then driving back home again.

Today in a surprising twist prosecutors charged Michael Jackson with fondling Mary Lay Letourneau’s new husband.

Now it's all up to the jury. Michael Jackson is in the hands of the jury. Which is kind of ironic, this is first time they’ve ever been in the hands of adults.

Actually there’s a lot of talk that if Michael is acquitted, he will be leaving the country. Or as he calls it, he’s being transferred to another parish.

Today President Bush delivered the commencement address at the naval academy. This appearance at the naval academy was historic for President Bush. For the first time he was on a military base and people could actually remember him being there.

There was one awkward moment - when Bush met a rear admiral, he said "I respect your lifestyle, but I don’t’ think you should get married.

A Washington based transportation industry research group says major roads in metropolitan areas are falling apart. That just goes to show you how fat we’re getting in this country. Now we’re breaking the roads.

In Middlefield, Ohio, they opened an Amish Wal-Mart, a Wal-Mart catering to the Amish community: the Amish people say it’s the greatest thing since unsliced bread.

Donald Trump has started his own online university. It’s a school where you don’t have to attend classes in person or as Ohio State calls it, the football program.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

As you know, last night Carrie Underwood beat out Bo Bice to become the new "American Idol”. She won a recording contract and the keys to a private jet. Bo came in second, he got the keys to Paula Abdul’s house.

Yesterday in Washington, President Bush paid a visit to a hydrogen fueling station. He said hydrogen will provide the power for our automobiles in the future. I’m not sure President Bush really understands hydrogen. Like he kept taking a hit off the pump to see if it would make him talk funny.

Today President Bush met with Palestinian President Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas "I loved your song Dancing Queen.”

A new study shows that the child population in San Francisco is dwindling and in fact San Francisco has the smallest share of children of any major city in the United States. That’s odd, huh? For some reason couples in San Francisco don’t seem to be reproducing as much as couples in other cities. Gee, I wonder what the problem is there? You think it might be something in the Rice-a-roni?

As you may know, I testified in the Michael Jackson trial this week. You know, I was sitting on the witness stand, Michael wouldn’t even look at me. Then I realized, of course I’m over 12. Nothing personal…

It’s Thursday, May 26. Or as "Star Wars” fans call it, May twenty-Sith.

Jennifer Wilbanks, you know the runaway bride, has been charged by police in Georgia with making false statements and filing a false police report. The judge will set a date for her to appear in court. A date for her to appear in court! Here we go again ladies and gentlemen!

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Everyone’s talking about all these "Star Wars” fans dressed in strange costumes. They look like aliens and weird creatures from outer space. No, I’m sorry. That was outside the Jackson trial yesterday. I was in Santa Maria yesterday. I got confused.

Actually, yesterday I ran into Jackson in the lobby before going in to the courtroom. And ironically he was on his way to the little boys room.

You know the strangest thing about testifying yesterday? After the trial O.J. Simpson picked me up in his ford bronco and took me to Robert Blake’s house for an Italian dinner.

The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for president in 2008. He’s already come up with a pretty catchy slogan "the pulse stops here.”

You know what’s interesting? Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University this past week where he told graduates that he actually dropped out of Yale. He quit Yale. Do you know what that means? President Bush is the smart one.

"Star Wars” has made $158.5 million since it opened last Thursday. The point 5 of course is the money it made from women going to see the movie!

Police in Springfield, Illinois say a man in a Darth Vader mask walked into a movie theater, grabbed an undetermined amount of cash and ran away. The sad thing, it was Mark Hamill.

Some sad news – Henry Corden, the man who was the voice of Fred Flintstone has died at age 85. Ironically, he was killed when he got a plate of ribs at a drive-thru and it tipped his car over.

Letterman

We’re getting ready for the Letterman family Memorial Day picnic. Last year Uncle Earl, God bless him, but he gets a little confused. Last year he confused his flask with the charcoal starter fluid.

Mom always makes chili for the family cookout. Her big secret is when she buys the ground beef - she tips the butcher to throw in a finger.

Last year on Memorial Day mom got into the margaritas. She passed out on the lawn with deer licking the salt off her lips.

Have you seen the pictures of Saddam in his underwear? Now I come from the school of thought that if you want to see a hairy guy in his underpants just hail a cab.

Did you see the Donald Trump movie? A movie about Donald Trump. It’s a story of a man that goes from being a billionaire to a millionaire.

Actually the movie was about how one man was able to change the New York City skyline with just his hair.

Conan

Britney Spears had to get rid of her dog because it didn’t get along with her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently he just sat around all day licking himself – the same as the dog.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

(Talking about testifying in the Michael Jackson trial) You know the worst part about testifying? I had to follow the chimp. Uh, you should have seen that witness chair, it was disgusting.

Actually there was one king of embarrassing moment when they asked me to point out the defendant and I pointed to Latoya.

And now there’s talk of Michael Jackson leaving the country as soon as the trial is over. One report says he wants to go to Africa and ‘disappear’. Maybe he’d have a better chance doing that somewhere else. Like Sweden.

The pilot who was in charge of that small plane that flew over Washington, D.C. last week and caused a big panic, well the FAA revoked his license. But the good news, he found a new job as an Amtrak engineer.

Nobody is still sure who took those photos of Saddam Hussein in his underwear. All we know is that photos were taken in an "undisclosed location”. You know what this means? Maybe Dick Cheney probably took them.

Here’s something amazing – I read today that "Star Wars” made $58 million in one day. Which broke a record previously set by Tom Delay.

The film "Alexander” is being released on DVD. They say it will include a lot of never before seen footage. Ya know, like the MOVIE!

Any Chicago Cubs fans here? Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano has been told to cut back on his computer time because it was contributing to his elbow problems. Let me tell you something, if your elbow is injured from too much time on the computer, it’s time to get a real live girlfriend.

69 Percent Oppose Dem Filibusters

An overwhelming majority of Americans agree with Republicans who say President Bush's judicial nominees deserve an up-or-down vote, according to a Gallup survey released yesterday.

Twenty-four hours after the bombshell poll's release, news that 69 percent of Americans want Democrats to stop filibustering Bush's judicial nominees has yet to be reported by a single major U.S. media outlet.

The bombshell survey found that 35 percent "want to see the filibuster rules changed so that those judicial nominees are subject to an up-or-down vote," Gallup said.

Thirty-four percent "want to see the filibuster rule preserved" but "would like to see the Senate have an up-or-down vote on those nominees."

Only 19 percent told Gallup that Democrats were right to filibuster judicial appointments, with 12 percent voicing no opinion.

In another stunning development, a plurality of those surveyed by Gallup - 38 percent - said that Christian influence on the courts was "not enough," while only 27 percent disagreed. Twenty-eight percent said Christian influence on the courts was "about right."

The Gallup survey also found that 29 percent of Americans "think Federal court judges are too liberal" - with just 19 percent saying the judiciary is "too conservative."

Read more on this subject in Related Hot Topics:

Liberal Media Love Filibuster Deal

The Filibuster Deal

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The new website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Senate GOP: We Agreed to Give Up

McCain-Feingold Sequel: "McCain the Middle Finger"

Rush: You know, Republican leadership is now under fire. In both showdowns -- McCain-Feingold and McCain the middle finger -- the left marched in lockstep and they had an ace up their sleeve, and the ace up their sleeve is McCain.

McCain-Feingold is that 527 loophole that gave the left a 2-1 fundraising edge with those 527s. In this case, the ace up their sleeve is they think they'll give us three bodies to block Supreme Court nominations. We'll take these three but we're going to be able to block Supreme Court nominations. That's what they think.

The minority voice argument here is exposed as a fraud. The whole nonsense about the minority expressing their will is exposed. The minority will was to block votes on Patricia Owen, Janice Rogers Brown, and William Pryor.

The minority of 45 was thwarted by a minority of the gang of 14. So a sub-minority here is actually ruled. All of this is just smoke and mirrors. You got seven Republican senators that are happy today; 45 Democrats are happy. The left-wing media is thrilled. But there will be tomorrow. We have yet to see what tomorrow will bring, but there will be one.

Is "extraordinary circumstances" a Fraud?

Bradford Berenson: Let's find out. Before the ink is dry on this deal, the White House and Senate Republican leadership should work together to bring to the floor as quickly as possible all the remaining circuit court appointments, including those of nominees such as Brett Kavanaugh and Jim Haynes, whom the Democrats would previously have had on their hit list.

If any of those nominees draws a filibuster, we will know that the deal is a fraud, the Republican moderates who cut the deal will look ridiculous, and the pressure will be back on to implement a permanent, institutional solution. But with each day of distance we get from this issue, the power of further filibusters by the Democrats to embarrass the seven Republican signatories will be less.

Moreover, acting on these lower court nominations will, in effect, help set a standard and define "extraordinary circumstances" for a potential Supreme Court appointment. Thus, there's not a moment to lose: Let's schedule votes as quickly as possible on all remaining circuit court appointments and put the seven moderate Democrats to the test.

Read more on this subject in Related Hot Topics:

McCain Sells Out The GOP

55 Minus 7 = GOP Defeat

7 Nitwits Will Never Give Up Aphrodisiac of Power

Republicans Had the Votes But Not the Guts

God Save U.S. From Self-Appointed Saviors

Frist: It Ain't Over Yet

SEN. BILL FRIST, (R) MAJORITY LEADER: With this agreement, all options remain on the table, including the constitutional option. If it had been necessary to deploy the constitutional option, it would have been successful.

FRIST FLOOR STATEMENT ON JUDICIAL NOMINATIONS

US Senator William H. Frist, M.D.

May 24th, 2005 - Mr. President, though I am not a party to the memorandum of understanding signed last night by 14 of my colleagues, I have had the opportunity to further review the agreement in more detail. I believe the memorandum of understanding makes modest progress, but falls far short, of guaranteeing up or down votes on judicial nominees. It needs to be carefully monitored and executed in good faith.

Let me briefly share my thoughts on the understanding reached last night and my expectations going forward.

First, the memorandum of understanding begins to break the partisan obstruction of the past two years and guarantee fair up or down votes on several judicial nominees. Priscilla Owen, Janice Rogers Brown, and William Pryor all will receive the courtesy and fairness of up or down votes. I will continue to fight for other qualified nominees who have been waiting for votes and deserve the same courtesy and fairness.

Second, the agreement, if followed in good faith, will make filibusters of judicial nominees in the future, including Supreme Court nominees, almost impossible.

Third, let me be very clear: the Constitutional option remains on the table. I will not hesitate to use it if necessary. It has been and continues to be a last resort. My goal is restoring the principle of fair up or down votes on judicial nominees. However, if the minority again acts in bad faith – if they resume their campaign of routine judicial obstruction – I will ask all 100 senators to decide whether judicial nominees deserve fair up-or-down votes.

So let us begin today to execute this memorandum of understanding. This afternoon, I expect the Senate to confirm Priscilla Owen and by the end of the week to process Janice Rogers Brown and William Pryor. We will work with the Minority Leader, the Judiciary Committee and other Senators to move forward expeditiously on other nominees, including those from the Sixth Circuit and Tom Griffith.

This has been a very significant debate. By exposing the injustice of judicial obstruction in the last Congress, we have made progress on restoring a core Constitutional principle: all judicial nominees deserve fair up or down votes. I hope that progress continues.

Tim Russert Rips Howard Dean

During the show, Dean claimed, "Hypocrisy is a value that I think has been embraced by the Republican Party," and he vowed to Russert that "I will use whatever position I have in order to root out hypocrisy."

In a pointedly embarrassing interview with NBC's Tim Russert, the DNC chairman spent almost the entire program under withering attack as Russert demonstrated Dean's hypocrisy on past comments he made about abortion, his criticisms of Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly and the way he has tried to explain away his party's fundraising woes since he took the DNC helm in February.

Ironically, Russert played the hypocrisy-exposing role as he repeatedly unmasked Dean's integrity on key issues, including:

Tom DeLay

Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean insisted on Sunday's "Meet the Press" that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay should be treated more harshly than Osama bin Laden.

"I think Tom DeLay ought to go back to Houston, where he can serve his jail sentence down there courtesy of the Texas taxpayers," Dean said on May 14.

Asked if his harsh rhetoric toward DeLay wasn't hypocritical given his comments during the 2004 presidential campaign, when Dean said he didn't want to prejudge even Osama bin Laden, the top Democrat told Russert:

"To be honest with you, Tim, I don't think I'm prejudging [DeLay]."

Abortion Claims

On the hot-button issue of abortion, Dean said he was against the procedure in one breath, but in the next he defended the far more gruesome practice of partial-birth abortion.

Socialist Bernie Sanders' Endorsement

Russert caught the one-time presidential candidate off guard when he asked about his recent endorsement of self-professed socialist Rep. Bernie Sanders to replace retiring Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords.

"Well, first of all, he's not a socialist, really," Dean protested. When Russert noted that Sanders had acknowledged in writing: "Outside or in the House, I am a Democratic socialist," Dean offered meekly, "Well, a Democratic socialist – all right, we're talking about words here."

Caught in one change of opinion after another, Dean's greatest vulnerability among top Democrats is that he has not won over the party's leadership – and that may be hurting the party's bottom line: raising money.

Dean had been strongly backed for the DNC post by the party's hysterically anti-GOP left – notably Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and Al Gore. The liberal troika had seen Dean as a counterweight to Hillary Clinton's growing power and her and her husband's desire to move the party to the center.

But Dean's performance on the top-rated Sunday talk show suggests that he may not have overcome initial concerns about his ability to handle the national leadership post.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The new website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Newsweek - Interview

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

The new "Star Wars” movie opened last night, "Revenge of The Sith”. You should’ve seen the crowd, they haven’t been this exited about a premier since Windows ’98.

The Air Force announced this week that it must secure outer space to protect the nation from attacks so they wants president bush's approval of star wars space weapons. In fact, right after they made that announcement, Dick Cheney whispered in the president’s ear, "I am your father”.

President Bush said we should also be on the lookout for more alternative fuels. President Bush is really getting on this alternative energy bandwagon. Did you hear his plan for solar energy? He wants to send troops to the sun. Secure that area.

In the Michael Jackson trial - a former Jackson security guard testified that the accuser and his brother would get drunk in the wine cellar when Michael wasn’t around. But in their defense if you knew you had to sleep in Jackson’s bed later that night you’d have to get drunk first too.

The NBA has announced that a new plan to crackdown on performance-enhancing drugs. They’re cracking down on steroid use in the NBA. Oh great, now there’s no hope for the white guys.

Martha Stewart will be doing "The Apprentice” show on NBC’s fall schedule. Nice to see someone doing prison time able to appear on a show other than "American Idol” once in a while.

In TV news - CBS has cancelled "60 Minutes II” which means Dan Rather is losing another job. I think they have an opening over at "Newsweek” so he might go there.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

What a crowd! You sound like "Time” magazine when they heard what happened to "Newsweek”.

That’s the big story – "Newsweek” is in deep Shiite this week.

In fact, President Bush is so angry at "Newsweek”, he said that he is not even going to pretend to read it anymore.

As you know, the pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. The Bush administration says the closings will save enough money to fund another unnecessary war.

America continues to search for alternative sources of energy. Other companies now are making fuels made from corn and soybeans. This is amazing. You know what that means? Our cars will have healthier diets than we do.

Yesterday we voted for mayor. Not a lot of people turned out at the polling places yesterday. In fact, I drove past a polling station, it was emptier than the L.A. library.

There’s a rumor that Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. And if he wins, that would make him the first 3 term president since Roosevelt.

The Cub Scouts of America celebrated their 74th birthday yesterday. Happy birthday to them. They had a big party with hundreds of Cub Scouts. Or as Michael Jackson calls that "entrapment”.

I mentioned this yesterday. At the premiere of "Star Wars” at Cannes, there were comparisons being made between Darth Vader and President Bush. They also talked about president bush’s brother. They called him the evil Jebi master.

This new "Star Wars” is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones.

Letterman

It was a beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice out I saw a guy putting sun block on his light saber.

It was a slow news day. It was so slow that "Newsweek” couldn’t find a story to make up.

This is the time of the year when the networks announce their fall programming. CBS is going to have a new reality show. It’s a combination of "Survivor” and "The Bachelor”. It’s going to be called "Who Wants To Marry Robert Blake?”

Larry King interviewed Robert Blake the other night and Blake said that his broke, out of money. In fact he’s so broke he may have to put his murder weapon on EBay.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled

10. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin.

9. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".

8. Bucket seats? Actual buckets.

7. Horn only audible to dogs.

6. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck.

5. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!

4. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1".

3. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels.

2. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral.

1. Windshield wipers are on the inside.

Conan

President Bush met with Nelson Mandela today. Afterwards Bush said it was great to finally meet Bernie Mack.

Ethics Complaint Against Harry Reid

ALEXANDRIA, Va., May 19 /U.S. Newswire/ -- The American Conservative Union, the nations oldest and largest conservative grassroots organization, yesterday filed an ethics complaint against Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). The complaint comes in response to Sen. Reid's May 12th reference to judicial nominee Henry Saad's confidential FBI file on the floor of the United States Senate.

"Henry Saad would have been filibustered anyway...," said Reid on the floor of the Senate. "All you need to do is have a member go upstairs and look at his confidential report from the FBI, and I think we would all agree that there is a problem there."

According to Senate rules, Reid was prohibited from even accessing the FBI file, let alone publicly discussing the information held within. ACU filed the complaint with Ethics Committee Chairman George Voinovich (R-OH). The complaint also cites recent improper referencing of confidential materials by Senators Patrick Leahy (D-VT) and Carl Levin (D-MI).

"Harry Reid, Patrick Leahy and Carl Levin's references to judicial nominees confidential FBI files are gross violations of Senate rules and ethics," said ACU Chairman David Keene. "On behalf of the American Conservative Union and its more than one million members, I urge Senator Voinovich and the Ethics Committee to quickly and fully investigate this egregious behavior and end this pattern of systematic abuse."

According to Senate Rule 29, which governs Senate confidentiality matters, "any Senator, officer, or employee who shall disclose the secret or confidential business or proceedings of the Senate... shall be liable to suffer expulsion from the body."

"Confidential FBI files are just that -- strictly confidential," continued Keene. "Henry Saad himself isn't allowed to access his file to defend himself. The Democrats blatant violations of Senate ethics are a dangerous and desperate attempt at character assassination and must not be tolerated.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Quick question: how many people are only here because you used to live on a military base and now have nowhere else to go?

That’s the military’s new slogan? "An army of one base.”

Did you know this is "reading is fun week”, unless of course you’re a devout Muslim in Afghanistan reading "Newsweek”.

Michael Jackson joke of the night: As you may have heard, next Tuesday I am being called to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I have to go up there. Despite what happens, I just hope that Michael and I can continue to be friends and ride Harleys together on the weekends.

U.S. Military strategists say that we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden? We can’t even find Dave Chappelle….forget bin Laden!

President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of alternative fuels. Bush said he’s all for alternative fuels as long as they don’t try to get married.

Biodiesel? Wasn’t that Janet Reno’s secret service codename?

Letterman

Have you followed this "Newsweek” scandal? It caused a violent riot to break out in the Middle East against the United States. Which is too bad because up until now they loved us.

This is the time of year when the networks announce their new fall lineups and their new slogans. NBC – The place to be. ABC – We’re the one. CBS – Ask your doctor what Lipitor can do for you.

I’m excited because there’s going to be a new CSI. It’s "CSI: L.A.” What’s going to happen is that each week a famous celebrity is going to be arrested, tried, and acquitted.

Last night Larry King interviewed Robert Blake. They discussed Blake’s life, his career, and later he gave Larry some advice on how to not pay alimony.

Experts say the interview went great because Larry is still alive.

Blake says that he wants to fall in love again. Start lining up girls!

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

You know the toughest job in the world right now? Trying to sell "Newsweek” subscriptions in Afghanistan.

"Newsweek” magazine has now apologized for publishing a story that said U.S. interrogator at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. Turns out the story is not true. The reporters of course will be punished in the usual way, given jobs at CBS.

The White House said that the "Newsweek” report had damaged the U.S. image overseas. And believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas the White House knows what it’s talking about.

Condoleezza Rice is currently on a good will tour of Iraq. She was surrounded by armed guards, put in an armored vehicle and taken on a secret route to avoid attacks. And that was just when she was here in L.A.

At a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia, President Bush came out for alternate fuels. He wants to see more use of alternative fuel. He said he looks forward to the day when America will invade a country just because it has soybeans.

I guess you heard by now, according to that video that was shown in court, Michael Jackson used chimps to clean at the Neverland Ranch. That’s really bizarre, isn’t it? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Your place is so spotless. I need to get the name of your cleaning monkey. Mine just throws feces all over the living room.”

A web site in Texas offers hunters the chance to shoot at live game from their home computers. If we can figure out a way to use that technology here on the freeways, we could really cut down on traffic.

The final "Star Wars” movie opens on Thursday. So if you were planning on getting help with your computer, you better do it in the next two days because after that you’re pretty much screwed.

Today is Janet Jackson’s 39th birthday. She’s starting to get up there in years. Soon she’ll have to open her pants for a breast to pop out.

Letterman

It was a beautiful day here in New York. It was so nice out that the writer of this joke left for the day to the park and didn’t finish it.

A fan in Oakland dumped a beer on Jason Giambi’s head. What a waste of $36!

The bad thing was that Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The new website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Pez - PBS

Dingy Harry Reid,'Dirty Harry'

DINGY HARRY: Henry Saad would have been filibustered anyway. He's one of those nominees. All you need to do is have a member go upstairs and look at his confidential report from the FBI and I think we would all agree that there's a problem there.

Clint Eastwood's movie character "Dirty Harry" Callahan was clean compared to Dirty Harry Reid, the Senate Democrats' minority leader. Callahan may have roughed up the bad guys but Senator Dirty Harry Reid smears anybody for any reason.

Thomas Sowell: While Senator Reid's cheap shot that President Bush was a "loser" -- a strange label for someone who has beaten Reid's party twice -- got a certain amount of notice in the media, a far worse remark by Senator Dirty Harry is that Michigan judge and federal judicial nominee Henry Saad has some things in his FBI file that should give Senators pause before confirming him.

What makes this dirty is that FBI files contain anything that anybody has said about you, whether it is true or untrue. That is why FBI files are confidential, because they include unsubstantiated statements that have not been evaluated by anybody.

Most Senators -- including Dirty Harry Reid -- have not and cannot see what is in the FBI file on Judge Saad because only members of the Senate Judiciary Committee are allowed to see that file. If any member of that committee said anything about that file to Senator Reid, that member violated confidentiality.

Even Judge Saad himself cannot see the file, so he has no way of knowing what Senator Reid is referring to -- and therefore no way to defend himself against whatever unknown statement may be there. Nor is there any way for him or us to know whether whatever is in the file is serious or trivial.

We have only the word of Senator Dirty Harry Reid: It so happens that my own FBI file, compiled back in the 1970s when President Ford nominated me to the Federal Trade Commission, contains a claim that I was a Communist. Not even the people who were opposed to my nomination took that seriously. But anonymous statements to the FBI are a way to knife someone in the back.

Why is Senator Reid making insinuations about unknown and unsubstantiated statements in Judge Saad's confidential FBI file? Because Dirty Harry is desperate.

It is not just that a showdown on judicial nominees is pending in the Senate. Senator Reid's Democratic Party has been losing elections consistently in the past few years.

Even to threaten to obstruct the operation of the Senate during a war is something that boggles the mind, whether or not the threat is actually carried out. It also boggles the mind to see liberals defending filibusters, whose best known use in the past has been to block civil rights legislation.

What they are really defending is the right of those who lost an election to prevent those who won from governing. Dirty Harry Reid is the right man for that kind of job.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The new website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Lobbyist Travel

Newsweek Apologizes, Admits Error in Koran Desecration Report

At least 16 people died in Afghanistan after protests broke out Tuesday following the report that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, placed Qurans in washrooms to unsettle suspects, and in one case "flushed a holy book down the toilet."

Newsweek reported that Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita reacted angrily when the magazine asked about the source's continued assertion that he had read about the Koran incident in an investigative report. "People are dead because of what this son of a bitch said. How could he be credible now?" DiRita told Newsweek.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Newsweek magazine said on Sunday it erred in a May 9 report that U.S. interrogators desecrated the Koran at Guantanamo Bay, and apologized to the victims of deadly Muslim protests sparked by the article.

Editor Mark Whitaker said the magazine inaccurately reported that U.S. military investigators had confirmed that personnel at the detention facility in Cuba had flushed the Muslim holy book down the toilet.

The report sparked angry and violent protests across the Muslim world from Afghanistan, where 16 were killed and more than 100 injured, to Pakistan to Indonesia to Gaza. In the past week it was condemned in Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Bangladesh, Malaysia and by the Arab League.

On Sunday, Afghan Muslim clerics threatened to call for a holy war against the United States.

"We regret that we got any part of our story wrong, and extend our sympathies to victims of the violence and to the U.S. soldiers caught in its midst," Whitaker wrote in the magazine's latest issue, due to appear on U.S. newsstands on Monday.

Whitaker told Reuters that Newsweek did not know if the reported toilet incident involving the Koran ever occurred. "As to whether anything like this happened, we just don't know," he said in an interview. "We're not saying it absolutely happened but we can't say that it absolutely didn't happen either."

The acknowledgment by the magazine came amid heightened scrutiny of the U.S. media, which has seen a rash of news organizations fire reporters and admit that stories were fabricated or plagiarized.

Desecration of the Koran is punishable by death in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The new website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Judicial Filibuster

Kennedy Sought to Abolish Filibuster In 1995

The Republican National Committee came out swinging after Sen. Ted Kennedy lambasted the Republican drive to end the Senate filibuster.

"Sen. Ted Kennedy's hypocritical and obstructionist comments this morning are more evidence Democrats would rather launch partisan political attacks than confront the issues facing our nation." the RNC statement said.

The RNC noted that in 1995, Sen. Kennedy supported abolishing the filibuster.

In 1995, Democratic Senators Bingaman, Boxer, Feingold, Harkin, Kennedy, Kerry, Lautenberg, Lieberman, And Sarbanes all voted to end the filibuster.

The Republicans also chastised Kennedy for flip-flopping on previous statements he made indicating filibusters should not be used to block judicial votes.

In 1998, Sen. Ted Kennedy said: "We owe it to Americans across the country to give these nominees a vote. If our Republican colleagues don't like them, vote against them. But give them a vote."

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Quite a scare today – I’m sure you heard about this, the white house and the capitol building were evacuated today when a small plane flew into restricted airspace. You hear about this? It actually got within three miles of the white house. Three miles! That’s closer than John Kerry got.

Did you see people rushing out of the Capitol? That’s the fastest congress has moved that didn’t involve giving themselves a pay raise.

They say there hasn’t been this kind on panic and evacuation in the White House since the night in ‘98 when Hillary came home early.

In Michigan, a company has developed a body armor that they say can withstand a rocket propelled grenade. They say it’s perfect for soldiers in Baghdad or drivers in Los Angeles.

Michael Jackson’s defense lawyers plan to put three more men on the stand who say that as boys they slept in the same bed as Michael and nothing happened. The boys names are Tito, Jermaine and Jackie.

According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious…

In an interview in "USA Today”, Shaquille O’Neal says he prefers living in Miami because Los Angeles is really fake. I don’t know, is Miami any less fake than Los Angeles? I mean here the boobs are fake, there it’s the artificial hips.

Letterman

Do you watch "CSI: New York”? How about the regular "CSI”? Or "CSI: Miami”? Who watches "CSI: Phoenix?” or "CSI: Spokane”? Tonight on "CSI: New York” it takes place at Yankee Stadium and they find a dead Red Sox fan. It’s a big mystery. They find traces of gun powder, they find hair – and that’s just in the hot dogs.

The Rolling Stones are back out on tour this summer. They are part of the "Living Will-Palooza” tour.

Today in Washington the White House and Capitol had to be evacuated when a small plane entered restricted airspace. Turns out it was just a lobbyist to airlift bribe money for Tom Delay.

The evacuation caused 15 minutes of interruption to congress not getting anything done.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

Our show has been nominated for nine Tony’s. Last year we won a Tony. The award for biggest waste of a Broadway theater.

If you leave anywhere else in the country I feel sorry for you. Today was a great day in New York. It was a beautiful, perfect day out. It was so nice that at the reservoir in Central Park the kids were diving for murder weapons.

It’s been a bad year for allergies. The pollen count has been high. Terrible time for allergies in New York City. It’s so bad and crazy that today I saw a squirrel putting Visine on its nuts.

It’s so bad that the hawk living on that apartment complex on 5th Avenue – the hawk is so congested that doctors have recommended that he not fly.

You all remember that runaway bride down in Georgia? They had the big wedding lined up, the church, the guests, the cake, the band, the whole thing and then she ends up running off and ends up in Albuquerque. Well they say now that this lady has been a little bit odd before. She’s been arrested three times for shoplifting. In the TV movie of her life the role of her is going to be played by Winona Ryder.

Conan

A recent study has found that some girls start to learn cruelty and manipulation as young as three years old – or as Martha Stewart calls them "late bloomers”.

Miller

On Monday, President Bush attended Russia's celebration commemorating the 60th anniversary of the allied forces victory over Nazi Germany. Bush and his host Vladimir Putin reportedly got along quite well during the event, except when at the end of the parade of Russian military troops and vehicles, George said "Is that all you got?" and busted out laughing.

This week, the State Board of Education in Kansas is continuing its hearings on how evolution should be taught in public schools...In other news, besides the evolution debate in Kansas, eight players from the Chicago White Sox were accused of throwing the World Series, flappers everywhere are getting their knickers off by sitting on flagpoles, and the stock market crashed. And that's this week's installment of "Things I Thought Already Happened in the 1920s"

Only 53% Of Judges Confirmed

The Democrats' judicial-filibuster campaign has been unprecedented in scope, intensity and duration. Not surprisingly, therefore, it has achieved its primary goal, which has been to eviscerate President Bush's electorally transmitted constitutional prerogative to shape the federal courts.

On his dalythoughts.com blog, Gerry Daly has elucidated the postwar record. Here are Mr. Daly's provocative findings.

During the first complete two-year Congress of their presidencies, postwar presidents achieved the following confirmation rates for their circuit-court nominees: Truman (80th Congress; 3/3: 100 percent); Eisenhower (83rd; 12/13: 92.3 percent); Kennedy (87th; 17/22: 77.3 percent); Johnson (89th; 25/26: 96.2 percent); Nixon (91st; 20/23: 87 percent); Ford (94th; 9/11: 81.8 percent); Carter (95th: 12/12: 100 percent); Reagan (97th: 19/20; 95 percent); G.H.W. Bush (101st; 22/23: 95.7 percent); Clinton (103rd: 19/22: 86.4 percent); G.W. Bush (107th; 17/32: 53.1 percent).

Thus, for the first complete two-year Congresses of the 10 postwar presidencies preceding George W. Bush's, the circuit-court confirmation rate averaged 91.2 percent. For Mr. Bush, it was 53.1 percent.

Moreover, before George W. Bush, no president's confirmation rate during his first complete Congress fell below 77 percent, which is nearly 50 percent (and 24 percentage points) higher than Mr. Bush's confirmation rate.

If we exclude Mr. Bush's two circuit-court nominees who were appointed to the federal judiciary by Mr. Clinton and nominated for the circuit-court bench by Mr. Bush as an unrequited, magnanimous gesture to the Democrats, then Mr. Bush's first-Congress confirmation rate falls to 50 percent (15/30), which is half Mr. Clinton's first-Congress effective rate.

This is a record of unprecedented obstructionism that simply cannot be permitted to continue through systematic filibustering.

The nation is now deep into its eleventh year during which the membership of the U.S. Supreme Court has not changed. That time span, which dates to August 1994, is the longest such period since the 1820s.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Did you all have a nice Mother’s Day yesterday? Mother’s Day is the day of course when we take time to thank our mom’s for not dropping us off at Neverland when you were kids.

And the number movie this week is "Kingdom of Heaven”. It’s a film about the 12th century crusades; a time when the tensions between Christians and Muslims led to bloody violence in the Middle East. Well, thank God those days are gone forever, huh? People were so primitive back then.

Pope Benedict has formally sworn in his new bodyguards; 31 members of the elite ‘Swiss Guard’. They’re the ones that protect the Vatican. So don’t even think of trying to attack the Vatican. Those Swiss Guards, they are well armed. They can stab you with that little corkscrew. They can poke you in the eye with the permanent toothpick.

According to the latest statistics, the average price of a gallon of gas has fallen three cents in the past two weeks. Three cents in two weeks! Who needs to reform Social Security now! Just think three cents in two week, in a year you’ll be able to buy gum.

President Bush is now over in Russia where he gave a speech the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. I think Bush may have been a little confused. He said to the people of Georgia, "So how’s that runaway bride of yours doing?”

In its biggest decision ever on the environment, president bush moved to open up a third of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging and other commercial ventures. It’s part of the new program—"no tree left behind”.

Opening national forests to road building and logging helps more Americans visit. Know where you can see the giant redwoods at sequoia national park? At Home Depot.

Let’s see, it’s about 11:40 so George Steinbrenner’s horse should be crossing the finish line any time now.

I think he was hoping to use the horse to distance himself from the Yankees.

The Kentucky Derby winner was Giacomo. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s horse Bellamy road finished seventh. In fact, George gave the horse a new name today…Yankee Stadium Hot Dog.

Happy Birthday to Mike Wallace….122 years old today.

God bless him! Actually he’s 87 years old. Or, as Anna Nicole Smith calls him, "The Bachelor”.

According to "Entertainment Weekly” the new term for gay lovers is "manpanions”. Well at least it doesn’t sound gay.

Letterman

Mom and I had a great Mother’s Day together. We both got the senior discount to "House of Wax”.

For you folks visiting New York City the Hello Deli has a special today – George Steinbrenner’s horse.

Did you see the Kentucky Derby? George Steinbrenner, the owner of the Yankees had a horse in the race and was heavily favored. The horse finished seventh. I think it might have been Steinbrenner’s fault – half way through the race he fired the jockey.

President Bush is in Russia right now. He’s picking up some duty free vodka for the twins.

Top 10 List of Congressional Travelers, All Dems

Though the media has targeted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay because of a few trips he's taken, it turns out he's nowhere near the top of the list of congressional junketeers.

The top ten travelers for the last five years in both the House and Senate happen to be Democrats, according to analysis by the web site PoliticalMoneyLine.com.

Tied for first place in the category of congressional wanderings are Rep. Maxine Waters and Sen. John Breaux - Democrats from California and Louisiana respectively - with 61 trips each.

The prize for third most accomplished junketeer goes to Tennessee Democratic Rep. Harold Ford (60 expeditions), followed by Ohio Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones (59 sojourns).

Senate media hound Joe Biden earned himself fifth place by keeping busy in between appearances on "Meet the Press" with 57 jaunts around the globe.

Then there's unabashed DeLay critic Barney Frank, whose wanderings landed him in sixth place with 51 trips.

Bringing up the rear of PML's top ten traveler list are Sen. Joe Lieberman, Rep. James Clyburn, Sen. Evan Bayh and Rep. Danny Davis - all Democrats.

So where does media target Tom DeLay rank? Way down the list in the 121st slot - tied with Democratic Senate heroine Barbara Boxer (14 trips each).

The Texas Republican lags well behind the Democratic Party's shining star, Sen. Hillary Clinton - who's jet-setted her way through 28 junkets since making her congressional debut.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Washington says they want to launch of a ten-year initiative to reverse childhood obesity. It’s called, "leave no child’s fat behind, behind.”

Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody! This is a holiday celebrated by over 10 million Mexicans….and that’s just here in L.A.!

Do you know what Cinco de Mayo means? It means "We outnumber you five to one.”

Please, don’t confused Cinco de Mayo with what’s going on here at NBC, that’s Cinco de ratings!

This is what I love about California - we have an Austrian governor speaking broken English wishing us Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Looks like Fox is now trying to get back at ABC news. Tomorrow night on the Fox News Network, a big expose on how early in her career, Barbara Walters was sleeping with Teddy Roosevelt. Actual Matthew Brady photographs.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Little Known Facts About My Son (Presented By Dave's Mom)

10. His date for the senior prom? You're looking at her.

9. Classmates voted him "Most likely to be turned down for 'The Tonight Show'".

8. Got fired from after school job at supermarket for touching the meat.

7. That is his real hair.

6. Once ate $3.85 worth of nickels.

5, He's straight.

4. Insists on calling me "mommy".

3. He actually thinks the staff likes him.

2. Would spend hours sewing outfits for the backyard squirrels.

1. Earned a Boy Scout merit badge in whining.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Well the argument has come up again that Humvees lack the necessary armor to keep its passengers safe. Not in Iraq, here on the 405.

As you may have heard, Los Angeles has been hit by a rash of freeway shootings lately. Of course, L.A. drivers are amazed by this - "How can you talk on the phone, hold a cup of coffee, do your makeup, and fire a gun at the same time?”

Authorities said that none of the freeway shootings seem to be related and also road rage doesn’t appear to be a factor. Well that’s certainly a relief. So the next time someone starts shooting at you on the freeway, it’s not personal. It’s their own anger issue.

One of the top al Qaeda leaders, Abu Farraj al-Libbi , was arrested in Pakistan today...He was the "3 of diamonds”. Whatever happened to that deck of cards thing? They never talk about that anymore. Apparently whenever they would discuss it, President Bush would yell "Go fish!”

Today Vice President Dick Cheney describe al Qaeda as "Wounded, off balanced and on the run.” No, I’m sorry he was talking about that bride from Georgia.

Well, it happened again. This time a customer at an ice cream shop in Wilmington, North Carolina found a piece of a severed finger in his frozen custard. They’re still not sure if it was a piece of Ben or Jerry.

On "Good Morning America” yesterday, Bill Clinton said he’s struggled with obesity all his life. He said his biggest struggle – trying to squeeze it all under the desk.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating A 15-Pound Cheeseburger:

10. "Can I super-size that?"

9. "What would Jesus do?"

8. "Why is everybody looking at me?"

7. "What am I going to have for dessert?"

6. "How expensive is it to be buried in a piano case?"

5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"

4. "Would it be easier to eat 60 quarter pounders?"

3. "Does it come with fries?"

2. "Am I that hungry or should I order the 12-pound cheeseburger?"

1. "Does this restaurant have a defibrillator?"

Sex Scandals Rampant at U.N.

UNITED NATIONS - Sex abuse allegations against U.N. peacekeepers and other staff more than doubled last year, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said in a report released Thursday, calling the increase "deeply troubling."

There were 121 allegations in 2004 compared with 53 allegations reported in 2003, Annan said in a report to the U.N. General Assembly.

He added that the figures collected for last year may not reflect the extent of the abuse because some victims may still be unwilling to file complaints.

The vast majority of allegations of sexual abuse and exploitation - 105 out of the total 121 - were leveled at U.N. peacekeepers.

Forty-five percent of allegations against peacekeepers involved sex with minors and 15 percent involved rape or sexual assault. Thirty-one percent involved prostitution with adult women and the rest involved other forms of sexual exploitation and abuse. Allegations against 53 uniformed personnel were substantiated.

Abuses have been reported in peacekeeping missions ranging from Bosnia and Kosovo to Cambodia, East Timor, West Africa and Congo.

While allegations of abuse have dogged peacekeeping missions since their inception 50 years ago, the issue was thrust into the spotlight after the United Nations found earlier this year that peacekeepers in Congo had sex with Congolese women and girls, usually in exchange for food or small sums of money.

In March, a report by Prince Zeid Al Hussein, Jordan's U.N. ambassador on peacekeeper sex abuse, said the U.N.'s military arm was deeply flawed and recommended withholding salaries of the guilty and requiring nations to pursue legal action against perpetrators.

New Docs 'Prove' Kofi Lied to Probers

U.N. investigators have turned over to Congress boxes of evidence on the Oil-for-Food program, including "proof" that U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan lied to the Independent Inquiry Committee probing the scandal, Fox News Channel reporter Jonathan Hunt said Thursday.

"One source close to the case told me that in those boxes is the ammunition to prove that Kofi Annan lied to investigators," Hunt told Fox News Radio host Tony Snow. "So this is a very dramatic development indeed."

Hunt said the documents had been in the possession of U.N. investigator Robert Parton, who resigned from the probe two weeks ago charging that Annan was being let off the hook.

"The boxes contain the almost complete records of Parton's investigation," Hunt told Snow, explaining, "It looks very embarrassing for Kofi Annan right now - it's a very bad thing."

Congress has been trying to talk to Parton and another prober, Miranda Duncan, since they resigned, Fox News reported on its Web site. But Paul Volcker, who heads the Oil-for-Food probe, tried to block their testimony, insisting the duo had diplomatic immunity.

Sen. Norm Coleman, who chairs the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, said he's prepared to issue subpoenas that would force Parton and Duncan to testify over Volcker's objections.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

We’re very excited tonight. Our entire audience tonight is made up of people who were invited to the runaway bride’s wedding. These are all the guests. We have them all here tonight!

Have you heard the latest? They’re now saying that Jennifer the runaway bride could be charged for reporting a false crime and could face a year in prison. Gotta be tough on her lawyer if she’s charged. You know trying to convince the judge she’s not a flight risk.

A lot of people think she was just upset about settling down. Like most women who are about to be married, she first wanted to get that cross country bus trip to Albuquerque out of the way.

Here’s the amazing thing – her fiancé still wants to marry her. Talk about not taking a hint! Hey pal, the woman pretended to be kidnapped. She rode a bus halfway across the country to get away. Face it, she’s just not that into you. Try e-Harmony.com!

The new Iraqi government officially took over today. Well, that’s good enough for me. Let’s go home. Job well done. Mission accomplished.

Next Saturday is the Kentucky Derby. For the first time, top finishers will be tested for drugs. I guess officials got suspicious they realized a lot of the horses were as big as Jose Canseco.

The Clintons were supposed to renew their wedding vows this weekend. But apparently bill jumped on a bus and went to Albuquerque.

Miller

I'd like to take a quick moment to personally thank Jennifer Wilbanks for being such a conniving, narcissistic, self-important human being. If she hadn't pulled her little runaway bride stunt triggering a massive cross-country manhunt, I'd be standing here telling a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes. Instead, I have Fresh Meat. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you again for being such a self-indulgent, deer-in-the-headlights, commitment-phobic be-yotch.

You know, in a way, I feel for this woman. I once put my name on the list at Applebee's, then changed my mind, panicked, and hid behind a Goodwill drop box for a week.

Fox TV has announced plans to make a movie about Lynndie England's story. Playing the part of England? 80's heartthrob Lou Diamond Phillips."

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Man it was chilly here in Los Angeles. I tell you my feet were colder than a Georgia bride heading for New Mexico.

That’s the big story – the bride that everyone thought had been kidnapped just got cold feet and took off. Her feet were so cold, Ted Williams was hitting on here.

Today the fiancé said he still wants to get married! Somebody needs to tell this guy there are plenty of other crazy women out there.

I guess Laura Bush was a big hit with her comedy routine at the big Washington correspondents dinner the other night. This is something new for the Bush family - intentional comedy.

Laura Bush described herself as a "desperate housewife whose husband goes to bed too early”. To which Hilary replied, "That must be nice.”

The president knew in advance she was going to speak, but he never saw the material. Basically, same way he handles his intelligence briefing.

President Bush said today that the social security is going bankrupt. The good news is that won’t happen for at least 50 years and by then you won’t have to worry about social security because the temperature will be 158 degrees!

Speaking of that – NASA just released their new report on global warming or as President Bush calls it "spring”!

Warren Buffet and Bill Gates announced that as of this weekend, they are now working together. How expensive is gas when these two have to start carpooling, huh?

The blue and white dress worn by Judy Garland in "The Wizard of Oz” sold at a London auction for $252,000. I believe the buyer will be wearing it when he marries Elton John next month.

Letterman

I am feeling great! Over the weekend the authorities picked up my fiancé in Albuquerque.

It’s graduation time in New York City. New York City is full of honor students. "Yes your honor.” "No your honor.” "Not guilty your honor.”

Louis Farrakhan: Strap A Bomb

This is the tenth anniversary celebration of the Million Man March. Here is a portion of remarks made by Louis Farrakhan.

CALYPSO LOUIE: Our listening to Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday, listening to our artists who gave of their souls, and when we heard their songs and patted our feet their music, we could go one more day in a vicious America, a vicious America. And after all that we have suffered, we still have a heart of compassion. After all that we have suffered...

We don't see the vindictive spirit, wanting to do to others what was done to us.If anybody deserves to strap a bomb on themselves and give pain for the pain that we have suffered, it is we.

RUSH: You know, we're listening to this utter, total insane irrationality. The only thing, you don't know how many people now might go -- I just don't want to even consider it. I just don't want to -- here's more of Calypso Louie from this morning.

CALYPSO LOUIE: I listen to my brothers and my sisters. I rejoice in my soul because death is hard when you work all your life to see your people free and die seeing them in worse condition.

RUSH: I swear, folks, I do not know what country he's looking at. This is beyond commentary. Yeah, they haven't made much progress. Still suffering out there, people still need to be set free, rascals, 1966, all the world over, so easy to see, people everywhere just want to be free.

Well, the people who are free somehow are being told that they're still in shackles and chains still on the plantation and it may be time to strap on some bombs, all this from Calypso Louie.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Did you hear about this? President Bush’s speech last night was actually cut off in some markets by CBS, NBC, and Fox so they could get in their primetime programs. Isn’t that unbelievable? Fox actually cut off President Bush to run "The Simple Life”. How ironic is that? Cutting off President Bush to run "The Simple Life”.

President Bush said last night in his primetime press conference that he wants to limit benefits for rich retirees. At which point Dick Cheney said to Bush, "Can I talk to you for a second?”

Just 72 hours after President Bush met with crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base, we’d be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now. Be like the old days!

Have you been following the Jackson trial? What was supposed to be the Prosecution’s star witness, Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe praised Michael Jackson yesterday. Jackson was so happy that after court he told Debbie "If you were a 12 year old boy I could kiss you.”

It’s not looking good for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case. In fact, Michael is already planning a big party at Neverland for the night he’s acquitted. If you go, remember it’s "BYOB”: Bring Your Own Boy.

Yesterday was ‘Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day’. Which means today is ‘Stay-Late-At-Work-To-Catch-Up-On-All-The-Things-You-Couldn’t-Get-Done-Because-Your-Kid-Was-Bothering-You-In-The-Office Day’.

Subway crime in New York City is on the rise because a lot of people are stealing iPods. They just steal them off people when they’re riding the subway. That’s terrible! Imagine people stealing music from people who stole music.

A study conducted by Santa Clara University found that 75% of all baseball players are superstitious. The most common superstition, you know what it is? On the days you have a drug test, don’t pee in a cup.

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Casino:

10. It has the word "Trump" in the name.

9. No Rat Pack, but there are packs of rats.

8. Their big headliner: The withered corpse of Mel Torme.

7. One spin of roulette wheel lasts 7 to 10 days.

6. Free buffet is all-you-can-eat lemon wedges.

5. Advertises that its slots are "almost as loose as your wife!"

4. Has strict no-gambling policy.

3. There's a high-stakes table, a low-stakes table, and a kids table.

2. They're playing "Will It Float?" in the lobby. with a bag of fertilizer

1. Your full house loses to the dealer's six-of-a-kind.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through President Bush's Mind At This Moment:

10. "I'm officially the gayest President since Lincoln."

9. "What we need is a constiutional amendment to ban this."

8. "I wonder if this will help me get re-elected in 2008?"

7. "Now Prince Charles is gonna ask why I wouldn't hold his hand."

6. "If this will lower oil prices, I'll do anything."

5. "I knew this would happen if I started drinking again."

4. "Should I invite him back to the house to watch 'Will And Grace'?"

3. "Thank God there are no cameras around."

2. "This is more action than I get from Laura."

1. "Wow, his hands are as soft as Rumsfeld's."

Miller

The world's largest passenger plane, the Airbus A380, which can hold 840 passengers, took its first flight Wednesday in France. Wow, 840 Frenchmen on a plane. Might want to toss a couple extra pine cone-shaped air fresheners on the old rearview mirror.

Probation officials in New York are reportedly examining whether Martha Stewart violated the terms of her house arrest by attending a lavish party in Manhattan last week. Stewart is now trying to solve the problem, by paying to have Manhattan moved within 25 feet of her home.

Afghan farmers have reportedly begun harvesting this year's opium crop in defiance of a U.S.-sponsored crackdown on the nation's drug industry. You know who I feel sorry for in Afghanistan? That one guy who legitimately wants to start a poppy seed bagel shop.