Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
You know the toughest job in the world right now? Trying to sell "Newsweek” subscriptions in Afghanistan.
"Newsweek” magazine has now apologized for publishing a story that said U.S. interrogator at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. Turns out the story is not true. The reporters of course will be punished in the usual way, given jobs at CBS.
The White House said that the "Newsweek” report had damaged the U.S. image overseas. And believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas the White House knows what it’s talking about.
Condoleezza Rice is currently on a good will tour of Iraq. She was surrounded by armed guards, put in an armored vehicle and taken on a secret route to avoid attacks. And that was just when she was here in L.A.
At a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia, President Bush came out for alternate fuels. He wants to see more use of alternative fuel. He said he looks forward to the day when America will invade a country just because it has soybeans.
I guess you heard by now, according to that video that was shown in court, Michael Jackson used chimps to clean at the Neverland Ranch. That’s really bizarre, isn’t it? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Your place is so spotless. I need to get the name of your cleaning monkey. Mine just throws feces all over the living room.”
A web site in Texas offers hunters the chance to shoot at live game from their home computers. If we can figure out a way to use that technology here on the freeways, we could really cut down on traffic.
The final "Star Wars” movie opens on Thursday. So if you were planning on getting help with your computer, you better do it in the next two days because after that you’re pretty much screwed.
Today is Janet Jackson’s 39th birthday. She’s starting to get up there in years. Soon she’ll have to open her pants for a breast to pop out.
Letterman
It was a beautiful day here in New York. It was so nice out that the writer of this joke left for the day to the park and didn’t finish it.
A fan in Oakland dumped a beer on Jason Giambi’s head. What a waste of $36!
The bad thing was that Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed.
Leno
You know the toughest job in the world right now? Trying to sell "Newsweek” subscriptions in Afghanistan.
"Newsweek” magazine has now apologized for publishing a story that said U.S. interrogator at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. Turns out the story is not true. The reporters of course will be punished in the usual way, given jobs at CBS.
The White House said that the "Newsweek” report had damaged the U.S. image overseas. And believe me, when it comes to damaging the U.S. image overseas the White House knows what it’s talking about.
Condoleezza Rice is currently on a good will tour of Iraq. She was surrounded by armed guards, put in an armored vehicle and taken on a secret route to avoid attacks. And that was just when she was here in L.A.
At a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia, President Bush came out for alternate fuels. He wants to see more use of alternative fuel. He said he looks forward to the day when America will invade a country just because it has soybeans.
I guess you heard by now, according to that video that was shown in court, Michael Jackson used chimps to clean at the Neverland Ranch. That’s really bizarre, isn’t it? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Your place is so spotless. I need to get the name of your cleaning monkey. Mine just throws feces all over the living room.”
A web site in Texas offers hunters the chance to shoot at live game from their home computers. If we can figure out a way to use that technology here on the freeways, we could really cut down on traffic.
The final "Star Wars” movie opens on Thursday. So if you were planning on getting help with your computer, you better do it in the next two days because after that you’re pretty much screwed.
Today is Janet Jackson’s 39th birthday. She’s starting to get up there in years. Soon she’ll have to open her pants for a breast to pop out.
Letterman
It was a beautiful day here in New York. It was so nice out that the writer of this joke left for the day to the park and didn’t finish it.
A fan in Oakland dumped a beer on Jason Giambi’s head. What a waste of $36!
The bad thing was that Giambi took a swing at the guy and missed.
