Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Did you all have a nice Mother’s Day yesterday? Mother’s Day is the day of course when we take time to thank our mom’s for not dropping us off at Neverland when you were kids.
And the number movie this week is "Kingdom of Heaven”. It’s a film about the 12th century crusades; a time when the tensions between Christians and Muslims led to bloody violence in the Middle East. Well, thank God those days are gone forever, huh? People were so primitive back then.
Pope Benedict has formally sworn in his new bodyguards; 31 members of the elite ‘Swiss Guard’. They’re the ones that protect the Vatican. So don’t even think of trying to attack the Vatican. Those Swiss Guards, they are well armed. They can stab you with that little corkscrew. They can poke you in the eye with the permanent toothpick.
According to the latest statistics, the average price of a gallon of gas has fallen three cents in the past two weeks. Three cents in two weeks! Who needs to reform Social Security now! Just think three cents in two week, in a year you’ll be able to buy gum.
President Bush is now over in Russia where he gave a speech the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. I think Bush may have been a little confused. He said to the people of Georgia, "So how’s that runaway bride of yours doing?”
In its biggest decision ever on the environment, president bush moved to open up a third of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging and other commercial ventures. It’s part of the new program—"no tree left behind”.
Opening national forests to road building and logging helps more Americans visit. Know where you can see the giant redwoods at sequoia national park? At Home Depot.
Let’s see, it’s about 11:40 so George Steinbrenner’s horse should be crossing the finish line any time now.
I think he was hoping to use the horse to distance himself from the Yankees.
The Kentucky Derby winner was Giacomo. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s horse Bellamy road finished seventh. In fact, George gave the horse a new name today…Yankee Stadium Hot Dog.
Happy Birthday to Mike Wallace….122 years old today.
God bless him! Actually he’s 87 years old. Or, as Anna Nicole Smith calls him, "The Bachelor”.
According to "Entertainment Weekly” the new term for gay lovers is "manpanions”. Well at least it doesn’t sound gay.
Letterman
Mom and I had a great Mother’s Day together. We both got the senior discount to "House of Wax”.
For you folks visiting New York City the Hello Deli has a special today – George Steinbrenner’s horse.
Did you see the Kentucky Derby? George Steinbrenner, the owner of the Yankees had a horse in the race and was heavily favored. The horse finished seventh. I think it might have been Steinbrenner’s fault – half way through the race he fired the jockey.
President Bush is in Russia right now. He’s picking up some duty free vodka for the twins.
Leno
Did you all have a nice Mother’s Day yesterday? Mother’s Day is the day of course when we take time to thank our mom’s for not dropping us off at Neverland when you were kids.
And the number movie this week is "Kingdom of Heaven”. It’s a film about the 12th century crusades; a time when the tensions between Christians and Muslims led to bloody violence in the Middle East. Well, thank God those days are gone forever, huh? People were so primitive back then.
Pope Benedict has formally sworn in his new bodyguards; 31 members of the elite ‘Swiss Guard’. They’re the ones that protect the Vatican. So don’t even think of trying to attack the Vatican. Those Swiss Guards, they are well armed. They can stab you with that little corkscrew. They can poke you in the eye with the permanent toothpick.
According to the latest statistics, the average price of a gallon of gas has fallen three cents in the past two weeks. Three cents in two weeks! Who needs to reform Social Security now! Just think three cents in two week, in a year you’ll be able to buy gum.
President Bush is now over in Russia where he gave a speech the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. I think Bush may have been a little confused. He said to the people of Georgia, "So how’s that runaway bride of yours doing?”
In its biggest decision ever on the environment, president bush moved to open up a third of all remote national forest lands to road building, logging and other commercial ventures. It’s part of the new program—"no tree left behind”.
Opening national forests to road building and logging helps more Americans visit. Know where you can see the giant redwoods at sequoia national park? At Home Depot.
Let’s see, it’s about 11:40 so George Steinbrenner’s horse should be crossing the finish line any time now.
I think he was hoping to use the horse to distance himself from the Yankees.
The Kentucky Derby winner was Giacomo. Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s horse Bellamy road finished seventh. In fact, George gave the horse a new name today…Yankee Stadium Hot Dog.
Happy Birthday to Mike Wallace….122 years old today.
God bless him! Actually he’s 87 years old. Or, as Anna Nicole Smith calls him, "The Bachelor”.
According to "Entertainment Weekly” the new term for gay lovers is "manpanions”. Well at least it doesn’t sound gay.
Letterman
Mom and I had a great Mother’s Day together. We both got the senior discount to "House of Wax”.
For you folks visiting New York City the Hello Deli has a special today – George Steinbrenner’s horse.
Did you see the Kentucky Derby? George Steinbrenner, the owner of the Yankees had a horse in the race and was heavily favored. The horse finished seventh. I think it might have been Steinbrenner’s fault – half way through the race he fired the jockey.
President Bush is in Russia right now. He’s picking up some duty free vodka for the twins.
