Sunday, May 8, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Well the argument has come up again that Humvees lack the necessary armor to keep its passengers safe. Not in Iraq, here on the 405.
As you may have heard, Los Angeles has been hit by a rash of freeway shootings lately. Of course, L.A. drivers are amazed by this - "How can you talk on the phone, hold a cup of coffee, do your makeup, and fire a gun at the same time?”
Authorities said that none of the freeway shootings seem to be related and also road rage doesn’t appear to be a factor. Well that’s certainly a relief. So the next time someone starts shooting at you on the freeway, it’s not personal. It’s their own anger issue.
One of the top al Qaeda leaders, Abu Farraj al-Libbi , was arrested in Pakistan today...He was the "3 of diamonds”. Whatever happened to that deck of cards thing? They never talk about that anymore. Apparently whenever they would discuss it, President Bush would yell "Go fish!”
Today Vice President Dick Cheney describe al Qaeda as "Wounded, off balanced and on the run.” No, I’m sorry he was talking about that bride from Georgia.
Well, it happened again. This time a customer at an ice cream shop in Wilmington, North Carolina found a piece of a severed finger in his frozen custard. They’re still not sure if it was a piece of Ben or Jerry.
On "Good Morning America” yesterday, Bill Clinton said he’s struggled with obesity all his life. He said his biggest struggle – trying to squeeze it all under the desk.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating A 15-Pound Cheeseburger:
10. "Can I super-size that?"
9. "What would Jesus do?"
8. "Why is everybody looking at me?"
7. "What am I going to have for dessert?"
6. "How expensive is it to be buried in a piano case?"
5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"
4. "Would it be easier to eat 60 quarter pounders?"
3. "Does it come with fries?"
2. "Am I that hungry or should I order the 12-pound cheeseburger?"
1. "Does this restaurant have a defibrillator?"
Leno
Well the argument has come up again that Humvees lack the necessary armor to keep its passengers safe. Not in Iraq, here on the 405.
As you may have heard, Los Angeles has been hit by a rash of freeway shootings lately. Of course, L.A. drivers are amazed by this - "How can you talk on the phone, hold a cup of coffee, do your makeup, and fire a gun at the same time?”
Authorities said that none of the freeway shootings seem to be related and also road rage doesn’t appear to be a factor. Well that’s certainly a relief. So the next time someone starts shooting at you on the freeway, it’s not personal. It’s their own anger issue.
One of the top al Qaeda leaders, Abu Farraj al-Libbi , was arrested in Pakistan today...He was the "3 of diamonds”. Whatever happened to that deck of cards thing? They never talk about that anymore. Apparently whenever they would discuss it, President Bush would yell "Go fish!”
Today Vice President Dick Cheney describe al Qaeda as "Wounded, off balanced and on the run.” No, I’m sorry he was talking about that bride from Georgia.
Well, it happened again. This time a customer at an ice cream shop in Wilmington, North Carolina found a piece of a severed finger in his frozen custard. They’re still not sure if it was a piece of Ben or Jerry.
On "Good Morning America” yesterday, Bill Clinton said he’s struggled with obesity all his life. He said his biggest struggle – trying to squeeze it all under the desk.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating A 15-Pound Cheeseburger:
10. "Can I super-size that?"
9. "What would Jesus do?"
8. "Why is everybody looking at me?"
7. "What am I going to have for dessert?"
6. "How expensive is it to be buried in a piano case?"
5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"
4. "Would it be easier to eat 60 quarter pounders?"
3. "Does it come with fries?"
2. "Am I that hungry or should I order the 12-pound cheeseburger?"
1. "Does this restaurant have a defibrillator?"
