Thursday, May 5, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
We’re very excited tonight. Our entire audience tonight is made up of people who were invited to the runaway bride’s wedding. These are all the guests. We have them all here tonight!
Have you heard the latest? They’re now saying that Jennifer the runaway bride could be charged for reporting a false crime and could face a year in prison. Gotta be tough on her lawyer if she’s charged. You know trying to convince the judge she’s not a flight risk.
A lot of people think she was just upset about settling down. Like most women who are about to be married, she first wanted to get that cross country bus trip to Albuquerque out of the way.
Here’s the amazing thing – her fiancé still wants to marry her. Talk about not taking a hint! Hey pal, the woman pretended to be kidnapped. She rode a bus halfway across the country to get away. Face it, she’s just not that into you. Try e-Harmony.com!
The new Iraqi government officially took over today. Well, that’s good enough for me. Let’s go home. Job well done. Mission accomplished.
Next Saturday is the Kentucky Derby. For the first time, top finishers will be tested for drugs. I guess officials got suspicious they realized a lot of the horses were as big as Jose Canseco.
The Clintons were supposed to renew their wedding vows this weekend. But apparently bill jumped on a bus and went to Albuquerque.
Miller
I'd like to take a quick moment to personally thank Jennifer Wilbanks for being such a conniving, narcissistic, self-important human being. If she hadn't pulled her little runaway bride stunt triggering a massive cross-country manhunt, I'd be standing here telling a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes. Instead, I have Fresh Meat. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you again for being such a self-indulgent, deer-in-the-headlights, commitment-phobic be-yotch.
You know, in a way, I feel for this woman. I once put my name on the list at Applebee's, then changed my mind, panicked, and hid behind a Goodwill drop box for a week.
Fox TV has announced plans to make a movie about Lynndie England's story. Playing the part of England? 80's heartthrob Lou Diamond Phillips."
Leno
We’re very excited tonight. Our entire audience tonight is made up of people who were invited to the runaway bride’s wedding. These are all the guests. We have them all here tonight!
Have you heard the latest? They’re now saying that Jennifer the runaway bride could be charged for reporting a false crime and could face a year in prison. Gotta be tough on her lawyer if she’s charged. You know trying to convince the judge she’s not a flight risk.
A lot of people think she was just upset about settling down. Like most women who are about to be married, she first wanted to get that cross country bus trip to Albuquerque out of the way.
Here’s the amazing thing – her fiancé still wants to marry her. Talk about not taking a hint! Hey pal, the woman pretended to be kidnapped. She rode a bus halfway across the country to get away. Face it, she’s just not that into you. Try e-Harmony.com!
The new Iraqi government officially took over today. Well, that’s good enough for me. Let’s go home. Job well done. Mission accomplished.
Next Saturday is the Kentucky Derby. For the first time, top finishers will be tested for drugs. I guess officials got suspicious they realized a lot of the horses were as big as Jose Canseco.
The Clintons were supposed to renew their wedding vows this weekend. But apparently bill jumped on a bus and went to Albuquerque.
Miller
I'd like to take a quick moment to personally thank Jennifer Wilbanks for being such a conniving, narcissistic, self-important human being. If she hadn't pulled her little runaway bride stunt triggering a massive cross-country manhunt, I'd be standing here telling a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes. Instead, I have Fresh Meat. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you again for being such a self-indulgent, deer-in-the-headlights, commitment-phobic be-yotch.
You know, in a way, I feel for this woman. I once put my name on the list at Applebee's, then changed my mind, panicked, and hid behind a Goodwill drop box for a week.
Fox TV has announced plans to make a movie about Lynndie England's story. Playing the part of England? 80's heartthrob Lou Diamond Phillips."
