Sunday, May 1, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through President Bush's Mind At This Moment:
10. "I'm officially the gayest President since Lincoln."
9. "What we need is a constiutional amendment to ban this."
8. "I wonder if this will help me get re-elected in 2008?"
7. "Now Prince Charles is gonna ask why I wouldn't hold his hand."
6. "If this will lower oil prices, I'll do anything."
5. "I knew this would happen if I started drinking again."
4. "Should I invite him back to the house to watch 'Will And Grace'?"
3. "Thank God there are no cameras around."
2. "This is more action than I get from Laura."
1. "Wow, his hands are as soft as Rumsfeld's."
Miller
The world's largest passenger plane, the Airbus A380, which can hold 840 passengers, took its first flight Wednesday in France. Wow, 840 Frenchmen on a plane. Might want to toss a couple extra pine cone-shaped air fresheners on the old rearview mirror.
Probation officials in New York are reportedly examining whether Martha Stewart violated the terms of her house arrest by attending a lavish party in Manhattan last week. Stewart is now trying to solve the problem, by paying to have Manhattan moved within 25 feet of her home.
Afghan farmers have reportedly begun harvesting this year's opium crop in defiance of a U.S.-sponsored crackdown on the nation's drug industry. You know who I feel sorry for in Afghanistan? That one guy who legitimately wants to start a poppy seed bagel shop.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through President Bush's Mind At This Moment:
10. "I'm officially the gayest President since Lincoln."
9. "What we need is a constiutional amendment to ban this."
8. "I wonder if this will help me get re-elected in 2008?"
7. "Now Prince Charles is gonna ask why I wouldn't hold his hand."
6. "If this will lower oil prices, I'll do anything."
5. "I knew this would happen if I started drinking again."
4. "Should I invite him back to the house to watch 'Will And Grace'?"
3. "Thank God there are no cameras around."
2. "This is more action than I get from Laura."
1. "Wow, his hands are as soft as Rumsfeld's."
Miller
The world's largest passenger plane, the Airbus A380, which can hold 840 passengers, took its first flight Wednesday in France. Wow, 840 Frenchmen on a plane. Might want to toss a couple extra pine cone-shaped air fresheners on the old rearview mirror.
Probation officials in New York are reportedly examining whether Martha Stewart violated the terms of her house arrest by attending a lavish party in Manhattan last week. Stewart is now trying to solve the problem, by paying to have Manhattan moved within 25 feet of her home.
Afghan farmers have reportedly begun harvesting this year's opium crop in defiance of a U.S.-sponsored crackdown on the nation's drug industry. You know who I feel sorry for in Afghanistan? That one guy who legitimately wants to start a poppy seed bagel shop.
