Friday, May 13, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Letterman
Our show has been nominated for nine Tony’s. Last year we won a Tony. The award for biggest waste of a Broadway theater.
If you leave anywhere else in the country I feel sorry for you. Today was a great day in New York. It was a beautiful, perfect day out. It was so nice that at the reservoir in Central Park the kids were diving for murder weapons.
It’s been a bad year for allergies. The pollen count has been high. Terrible time for allergies in New York City. It’s so bad and crazy that today I saw a squirrel putting Visine on its nuts.
It’s so bad that the hawk living on that apartment complex on 5th Avenue – the hawk is so congested that doctors have recommended that he not fly.
You all remember that runaway bride down in Georgia? They had the big wedding lined up, the church, the guests, the cake, the band, the whole thing and then she ends up running off and ends up in Albuquerque. Well they say now that this lady has been a little bit odd before. She’s been arrested three times for shoplifting. In the TV movie of her life the role of her is going to be played by Winona Ryder.
Conan
A recent study has found that some girls start to learn cruelty and manipulation as young as three years old – or as Martha Stewart calls them "late bloomers”.
Miller
On Monday, President Bush attended Russia's celebration commemorating the 60th anniversary of the allied forces victory over Nazi Germany. Bush and his host Vladimir Putin reportedly got along quite well during the event, except when at the end of the parade of Russian military troops and vehicles, George said "Is that all you got?" and busted out laughing.
This week, the State Board of Education in Kansas is continuing its hearings on how evolution should be taught in public schools...In other news, besides the evolution debate in Kansas, eight players from the Chicago White Sox were accused of throwing the World Series, flappers everywhere are getting their knickers off by sitting on flagpoles, and the stock market crashed. And that's this week's installment of "Things I Thought Already Happened in the 1920s"
Letterman
Our show has been nominated for nine Tony’s. Last year we won a Tony. The award for biggest waste of a Broadway theater.
If you leave anywhere else in the country I feel sorry for you. Today was a great day in New York. It was a beautiful, perfect day out. It was so nice that at the reservoir in Central Park the kids were diving for murder weapons.
It’s been a bad year for allergies. The pollen count has been high. Terrible time for allergies in New York City. It’s so bad and crazy that today I saw a squirrel putting Visine on its nuts.
It’s so bad that the hawk living on that apartment complex on 5th Avenue – the hawk is so congested that doctors have recommended that he not fly.
You all remember that runaway bride down in Georgia? They had the big wedding lined up, the church, the guests, the cake, the band, the whole thing and then she ends up running off and ends up in Albuquerque. Well they say now that this lady has been a little bit odd before. She’s been arrested three times for shoplifting. In the TV movie of her life the role of her is going to be played by Winona Ryder.
Conan
A recent study has found that some girls start to learn cruelty and manipulation as young as three years old – or as Martha Stewart calls them "late bloomers”.
Miller
On Monday, President Bush attended Russia's celebration commemorating the 60th anniversary of the allied forces victory over Nazi Germany. Bush and his host Vladimir Putin reportedly got along quite well during the event, except when at the end of the parade of Russian military troops and vehicles, George said "Is that all you got?" and busted out laughing.
This week, the State Board of Education in Kansas is continuing its hearings on how evolution should be taught in public schools...In other news, besides the evolution debate in Kansas, eight players from the Chicago White Sox were accused of throwing the World Series, flappers everywhere are getting their knickers off by sitting on flagpoles, and the stock market crashed. And that's this week's installment of "Things I Thought Already Happened in the 1920s"
