Monday, May 2, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Did you hear about this? President Bush’s speech last night was actually cut off in some markets by CBS, NBC, and Fox so they could get in their primetime programs. Isn’t that unbelievable? Fox actually cut off President Bush to run "The Simple Life”. How ironic is that? Cutting off President Bush to run "The Simple Life”.
President Bush said last night in his primetime press conference that he wants to limit benefits for rich retirees. At which point Dick Cheney said to Bush, "Can I talk to you for a second?”
Just 72 hours after President Bush met with crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base, we’d be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now. Be like the old days!
Have you been following the Jackson trial? What was supposed to be the Prosecution’s star witness, Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe praised Michael Jackson yesterday. Jackson was so happy that after court he told Debbie "If you were a 12 year old boy I could kiss you.”
It’s not looking good for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case. In fact, Michael is already planning a big party at Neverland for the night he’s acquitted. If you go, remember it’s "BYOB”: Bring Your Own Boy.
Yesterday was ‘Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day’. Which means today is ‘Stay-Late-At-Work-To-Catch-Up-On-All-The-Things-You-Couldn’t-Get-Done-Because-Your-Kid-Was-Bothering-You-In-The-Office Day’.
Subway crime in New York City is on the rise because a lot of people are stealing iPods. They just steal them off people when they’re riding the subway. That’s terrible! Imagine people stealing music from people who stole music.
A study conducted by Santa Clara University found that 75% of all baseball players are superstitious. The most common superstition, you know what it is? On the days you have a drug test, don’t pee in a cup.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Casino:
10. It has the word "Trump" in the name.
9. No Rat Pack, but there are packs of rats.
8. Their big headliner: The withered corpse of Mel Torme.
7. One spin of roulette wheel lasts 7 to 10 days.
6. Free buffet is all-you-can-eat lemon wedges.
5. Advertises that its slots are "almost as loose as your wife!"
4. Has strict no-gambling policy.
3. There's a high-stakes table, a low-stakes table, and a kids table.
2. They're playing "Will It Float?" in the lobby. with a bag of fertilizer
1. Your full house loses to the dealer's six-of-a-kind.
Leno
Did you hear about this? President Bush’s speech last night was actually cut off in some markets by CBS, NBC, and Fox so they could get in their primetime programs. Isn’t that unbelievable? Fox actually cut off President Bush to run "The Simple Life”. How ironic is that? Cutting off President Bush to run "The Simple Life”.
President Bush said last night in his primetime press conference that he wants to limit benefits for rich retirees. At which point Dick Cheney said to Bush, "Can I talk to you for a second?”
Just 72 hours after President Bush met with crown Prince Abdullah and held his hand, oil prices fell to under $50 a barrel. Boy imagine if President Bush had let him get to second base, we’d be paying like a buck-ten a gallon now. Be like the old days!
Have you been following the Jackson trial? What was supposed to be the Prosecution’s star witness, Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe praised Michael Jackson yesterday. Jackson was so happy that after court he told Debbie "If you were a 12 year old boy I could kiss you.”
It’s not looking good for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case. In fact, Michael is already planning a big party at Neverland for the night he’s acquitted. If you go, remember it’s "BYOB”: Bring Your Own Boy.
Yesterday was ‘Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day’. Which means today is ‘Stay-Late-At-Work-To-Catch-Up-On-All-The-Things-You-Couldn’t-Get-Done-Because-Your-Kid-Was-Bothering-You-In-The-Office Day’.
Subway crime in New York City is on the rise because a lot of people are stealing iPods. They just steal them off people when they’re riding the subway. That’s terrible! Imagine people stealing music from people who stole music.
A study conducted by Santa Clara University found that 75% of all baseball players are superstitious. The most common superstition, you know what it is? On the days you have a drug test, don’t pee in a cup.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Casino:
10. It has the word "Trump" in the name.
9. No Rat Pack, but there are packs of rats.
8. Their big headliner: The withered corpse of Mel Torme.
7. One spin of roulette wheel lasts 7 to 10 days.
6. Free buffet is all-you-can-eat lemon wedges.
5. Advertises that its slots are "almost as loose as your wife!"
4. Has strict no-gambling policy.
3. There's a high-stakes table, a low-stakes table, and a kids table.
2. They're playing "Will It Float?" in the lobby. with a bag of fertilizer
1. Your full house loses to the dealer's six-of-a-kind.
