Thursday, May 19, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Quick question: how many people are only here because you used to live on a military base and now have nowhere else to go?
That’s the military’s new slogan? "An army of one base.”
Did you know this is "reading is fun week”, unless of course you’re a devout Muslim in Afghanistan reading "Newsweek”.
Michael Jackson joke of the night: As you may have heard, next Tuesday I am being called to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I have to go up there. Despite what happens, I just hope that Michael and I can continue to be friends and ride Harleys together on the weekends.
U.S. Military strategists say that we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden? We can’t even find Dave Chappelle….forget bin Laden!
President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of alternative fuels. Bush said he’s all for alternative fuels as long as they don’t try to get married.
Biodiesel? Wasn’t that Janet Reno’s secret service codename?
Letterman
Have you followed this "Newsweek” scandal? It caused a violent riot to break out in the Middle East against the United States. Which is too bad because up until now they loved us.
This is the time of year when the networks announce their new fall lineups and their new slogans. NBC – The place to be. ABC – We’re the one. CBS – Ask your doctor what Lipitor can do for you.
I’m excited because there’s going to be a new CSI. It’s "CSI: L.A.” What’s going to happen is that each week a famous celebrity is going to be arrested, tried, and acquitted.
Last night Larry King interviewed Robert Blake. They discussed Blake’s life, his career, and later he gave Larry some advice on how to not pay alimony.
Experts say the interview went great because Larry is still alive.
Blake says that he wants to fall in love again. Start lining up girls!
Leno
Quick question: how many people are only here because you used to live on a military base and now have nowhere else to go?
That’s the military’s new slogan? "An army of one base.”
Did you know this is "reading is fun week”, unless of course you’re a devout Muslim in Afghanistan reading "Newsweek”.
Michael Jackson joke of the night: As you may have heard, next Tuesday I am being called to testify in the Michael Jackson trial. I have to go up there. Despite what happens, I just hope that Michael and I can continue to be friends and ride Harleys together on the weekends.
U.S. Military strategists say that we are closer than ever to finding Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden? We can’t even find Dave Chappelle….forget bin Laden!
President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of alternative fuels. Bush said he’s all for alternative fuels as long as they don’t try to get married.
Biodiesel? Wasn’t that Janet Reno’s secret service codename?
Letterman
Have you followed this "Newsweek” scandal? It caused a violent riot to break out in the Middle East against the United States. Which is too bad because up until now they loved us.
This is the time of year when the networks announce their new fall lineups and their new slogans. NBC – The place to be. ABC – We’re the one. CBS – Ask your doctor what Lipitor can do for you.
I’m excited because there’s going to be a new CSI. It’s "CSI: L.A.” What’s going to happen is that each week a famous celebrity is going to be arrested, tried, and acquitted.
Last night Larry King interviewed Robert Blake. They discussed Blake’s life, his career, and later he gave Larry some advice on how to not pay alimony.
Experts say the interview went great because Larry is still alive.
Blake says that he wants to fall in love again. Start lining up girls!
