Saturday, May 28, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Everyone’s talking about all these "Star Wars” fans dressed in strange costumes. They look like aliens and weird creatures from outer space. No, I’m sorry. That was outside the Jackson trial yesterday. I was in Santa Maria yesterday. I got confused.
Actually, yesterday I ran into Jackson in the lobby before going in to the courtroom. And ironically he was on his way to the little boys room.
You know the strangest thing about testifying yesterday? After the trial O.J. Simpson picked me up in his ford bronco and took me to Robert Blake’s house for an Italian dinner.
The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for president in 2008. He’s already come up with a pretty catchy slogan "the pulse stops here.”
You know what’s interesting? Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University this past week where he told graduates that he actually dropped out of Yale. He quit Yale. Do you know what that means? President Bush is the smart one.
"Star Wars” has made $158.5 million since it opened last Thursday. The point 5 of course is the money it made from women going to see the movie!
Police in Springfield, Illinois say a man in a Darth Vader mask walked into a movie theater, grabbed an undetermined amount of cash and ran away. The sad thing, it was Mark Hamill.
Some sad news – Henry Corden, the man who was the voice of Fred Flintstone has died at age 85. Ironically, he was killed when he got a plate of ribs at a drive-thru and it tipped his car over.
Letterman
We’re getting ready for the Letterman family Memorial Day picnic. Last year Uncle Earl, God bless him, but he gets a little confused. Last year he confused his flask with the charcoal starter fluid.
Mom always makes chili for the family cookout. Her big secret is when she buys the ground beef - she tips the butcher to throw in a finger.
Last year on Memorial Day mom got into the margaritas. She passed out on the lawn with deer licking the salt off her lips.
Have you seen the pictures of Saddam in his underwear? Now I come from the school of thought that if you want to see a hairy guy in his underpants just hail a cab.
Did you see the Donald Trump movie? A movie about Donald Trump. It’s a story of a man that goes from being a billionaire to a millionaire.
Actually the movie was about how one man was able to change the New York City skyline with just his hair.
Conan
Britney Spears had to get rid of her dog because it didn’t get along with her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently he just sat around all day licking himself – the same as the dog.
Leno
Everyone’s talking about all these "Star Wars” fans dressed in strange costumes. They look like aliens and weird creatures from outer space. No, I’m sorry. That was outside the Jackson trial yesterday. I was in Santa Maria yesterday. I got confused.
Actually, yesterday I ran into Jackson in the lobby before going in to the courtroom. And ironically he was on his way to the little boys room.
You know the strangest thing about testifying yesterday? After the trial O.J. Simpson picked me up in his ford bronco and took me to Robert Blake’s house for an Italian dinner.
The word is Dick Cheney is thinking of running for president in 2008. He’s already come up with a pretty catchy slogan "the pulse stops here.”
You know what’s interesting? Cheney was the commencement speaker at Auburn University this past week where he told graduates that he actually dropped out of Yale. He quit Yale. Do you know what that means? President Bush is the smart one.
"Star Wars” has made $158.5 million since it opened last Thursday. The point 5 of course is the money it made from women going to see the movie!
Police in Springfield, Illinois say a man in a Darth Vader mask walked into a movie theater, grabbed an undetermined amount of cash and ran away. The sad thing, it was Mark Hamill.
Some sad news – Henry Corden, the man who was the voice of Fred Flintstone has died at age 85. Ironically, he was killed when he got a plate of ribs at a drive-thru and it tipped his car over.
Letterman
We’re getting ready for the Letterman family Memorial Day picnic. Last year Uncle Earl, God bless him, but he gets a little confused. Last year he confused his flask with the charcoal starter fluid.
Mom always makes chili for the family cookout. Her big secret is when she buys the ground beef - she tips the butcher to throw in a finger.
Last year on Memorial Day mom got into the margaritas. She passed out on the lawn with deer licking the salt off her lips.
Have you seen the pictures of Saddam in his underwear? Now I come from the school of thought that if you want to see a hairy guy in his underpants just hail a cab.
Did you see the Donald Trump movie? A movie about Donald Trump. It’s a story of a man that goes from being a billionaire to a millionaire.
Actually the movie was about how one man was able to change the New York City skyline with just his hair.
Conan
Britney Spears had to get rid of her dog because it didn’t get along with her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently he just sat around all day licking himself – the same as the dog.
