Saturday, May 21, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like "Time” magazine when they heard what happened to "Newsweek”.
That’s the big story – "Newsweek” is in deep Shiite this week.
In fact, President Bush is so angry at "Newsweek”, he said that he is not even going to pretend to read it anymore.
As you know, the pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. The Bush administration says the closings will save enough money to fund another unnecessary war.
America continues to search for alternative sources of energy. Other companies now are making fuels made from corn and soybeans. This is amazing. You know what that means? Our cars will have healthier diets than we do.
Yesterday we voted for mayor. Not a lot of people turned out at the polling places yesterday. In fact, I drove past a polling station, it was emptier than the L.A. library.
There’s a rumor that Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. And if he wins, that would make him the first 3 term president since Roosevelt.
The Cub Scouts of America celebrated their 74th birthday yesterday. Happy birthday to them. They had a big party with hundreds of Cub Scouts. Or as Michael Jackson calls that "entrapment”.
I mentioned this yesterday. At the premiere of "Star Wars” at Cannes, there were comparisons being made between Darth Vader and President Bush. They also talked about president bush’s brother. They called him the evil Jebi master.
This new "Star Wars” is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones.
Letterman
It was a beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice out I saw a guy putting sun block on his light saber.
It was a slow news day. It was so slow that "Newsweek” couldn’t find a story to make up.
This is the time of the year when the networks announce their fall programming. CBS is going to have a new reality show. It’s a combination of "Survivor” and "The Bachelor”. It’s going to be called "Who Wants To Marry Robert Blake?”
Larry King interviewed Robert Blake the other night and Blake said that his broke, out of money. In fact he’s so broke he may have to put his murder weapon on EBay.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled
10. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin.
9. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".
8. Bucket seats? Actual buckets.
7. Horn only audible to dogs.
6. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck.
5. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!
4. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1".
3. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels.
2. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral.
1. Windshield wipers are on the inside.
Conan
President Bush met with Nelson Mandela today. Afterwards Bush said it was great to finally meet Bernie Mack.
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like "Time” magazine when they heard what happened to "Newsweek”.
That’s the big story – "Newsweek” is in deep Shiite this week.
In fact, President Bush is so angry at "Newsweek”, he said that he is not even going to pretend to read it anymore.
As you know, the pentagon is shutting down 180 military bases around the country. The Bush administration says the closings will save enough money to fund another unnecessary war.
America continues to search for alternative sources of energy. Other companies now are making fuels made from corn and soybeans. This is amazing. You know what that means? Our cars will have healthier diets than we do.
Yesterday we voted for mayor. Not a lot of people turned out at the polling places yesterday. In fact, I drove past a polling station, it was emptier than the L.A. library.
There’s a rumor that Dick Cheney may run for president in 2008. And if he wins, that would make him the first 3 term president since Roosevelt.
The Cub Scouts of America celebrated their 74th birthday yesterday. Happy birthday to them. They had a big party with hundreds of Cub Scouts. Or as Michael Jackson calls that "entrapment”.
I mentioned this yesterday. At the premiere of "Star Wars” at Cannes, there were comparisons being made between Darth Vader and President Bush. They also talked about president bush’s brother. They called him the evil Jebi master.
This new "Star Wars” is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones.
Letterman
It was a beautiful day here in New York City. It was so nice out I saw a guy putting sun block on his light saber.
It was a slow news day. It was so slow that "Newsweek” couldn’t find a story to make up.
This is the time of the year when the networks announce their fall programming. CBS is going to have a new reality show. It’s a combination of "Survivor” and "The Bachelor”. It’s going to be called "Who Wants To Marry Robert Blake?”
Larry King interviewed Robert Blake the other night and Blake said that his broke, out of money. In fact he’s so broke he may have to put his murder weapon on EBay.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled
10. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin.
9. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".
8. Bucket seats? Actual buckets.
7. Horn only audible to dogs.
6. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck.
5. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!
4. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1".
3. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels.
2. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral.
1. Windshield wipers are on the inside.
Conan
President Bush met with Nelson Mandela today. Afterwards Bush said it was great to finally meet Bernie Mack.
