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Terri Schiavo Killed - Starved To Death

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Killing Terri Schiavo

Felos: Starving Terri Looks 'Beautiful'

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Now Martha Stewart's out of prison, she's under house arrest. You know how the rules of house arrest work? It's interesting – Martha's allowed to leave her house for up to 48 hours per week, she can go to work, she can run errands, she can attend religious services, then she has to go back home at night – or, as everyone else calls it, living.

The Michael Jackson trial started 45 minutes late again yesterday after Michael showed up and started crying ... Yeah, he's crying because he doesn't have the Robert Blake jury.

This has been a very stressful week for Michael Jackson. You know how [he] deals with stress? You what he likes to do when he's in court? He likes to picture his accuser in his underwear.

Michael says he prays every day over the phone with the Reverend Jesse Jackson. And today Jesse said: "That was Michael? I thought I was hitting on Janet."

Letterman

Martha Stewart is going to court to try and get them to take off her electronic ankle bracelet. She said it just interferes with her spring planting (laughs). Oh yeah – how many times has the judge heard that story?

Big news from the world of motion pictures. They're now casting "Wonder Woman" – there's going to be a new version of "Wonder Woman." Yeah. And I just want to say one thing to you Hollywood big shots – listen to this – pick me, alright? (laughs) Because I'll tell you why: I already have the costume.

Here's a great story – a woman goes into Wendy's to have the chili. How many of you have had the chili at Wendy's? (applause) And she discovers an actual human finger in the chili. But she's not upset – she went back there for lunch today. She's trying to collect all five fingers.

Conan

It was reported today that Star Jones' husband, Al Reynolds, recently quit his job. When asked why, Reynolds said, "Because when I bring home the bacon, I don't get to have any."

According to the New York Post, the manager of the Village People is trying to re-create the band's image so they appear less gay. (laughs) Apparently he's going to do this by changing their name to "Not the Village People."

Miller

In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested ... Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali ... Except, of course, for the black part.

To mark Good Friday last week, several Catholic devotees in the Philippines allowed themselves to be crucified. By the way, if you take Friday off from work to be crucified, do you count it as a sick day or a vacation day?

This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a "Fear Factor" episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching "Extreme Makeover" that I realized I looked stupid with bangs.

Ferguson

The judge in the Michael Jackson trial ruled to allow testimony from past accusers. So you thought the lines were long at Disneyland ... now you're gonna see something.

Michael Jackson claims he's the victim of a conspiracy by a group that's trying to make him out to be a weirdo. (laughs) I believe that group is called "the public."

A woman ran her SUV off a bridge and fell 60 feet into a river, and lived! That's fantastic! But tragically, the police weren't able to save the gasoline.

The Village People have announced they don't want to come off as gay (laughs). The Village People are gay? Who knew?!

Kimmel

It's been pouring non-stop for three or four days now. It's been going on and on, and they say it's going to be the wettest year in L.A. since they started measuring in the 1800s. Everything is flooded. There was a shark attack on the 405 freeway today. (laughs) A great white ate a Mini Cooper.

We don't handle the rain very well here ... we see a cloud, immediately we're on storm watch. (laughs) But this one is serious. We got mudslides, we got sinkholes ... People were forced to take shelter under Governor Schwarzenegger's pecs today.

It's President's Day. I hope you had the day off today. Today is the day we honor our presidents with 50-percent-off mattress sales.

Somebody hacked into Paris Hilton's portable phone, and their computer got herpes.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

Jennifer Anniston has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. So I'm thinking about this – what chance now does that poor loser have of getting another woman?

Here's the story of the week – a woman goes into Wendy's and she orders the chili and she finds a human finger in the chili. (groans) I mean, how many of you were stunned – how many of you didn't know they put meat in Wendy's chili? (laughter) This is interesting. She spotted the finger when it pointed to the salt.

Did everyone have a good Easter holiday? New York City loves holidays. I was in town yesterday taking a walk through Central Park and everybody in New York City had the Easter spirit. I came upon a squirrel, on Easter Sunday, and there he was, big as life, dying his nuts.

Of course, today down in Washington, they had the big annual Easter egg hunt there on the White House lawn. The kids found 800 eggs and 200 John Kerry ballots from Ohio.

Miller

Just drove in on the 101 from Santa Barbara and, uh, let me say this, vis á vis the Schiavo case . . . If we're gonna start offing everybody in this culture that's brain-dead, that road would be empty.

John Couey – the convicted sex offender was charged with raping and killing 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford . . . Hey Florida! Forget about Terri Schiavo. Let's take this scumbag's feeding tube out!

Robert Blake claims he's broke. He blames his tax problems on the fact that the $50,000 he paid the hit man – he thought it was going to be a write-off.

Paris Hilton was in Mexico to promote her new perfume. What a freaked-out culture. She is formally known in Mexico as "El Skanko Magnifico!"

Ferguson

My excitement is building and I'll tell you why – March Madness. That's right. The NCAA tournament has been narrowed down from 64 hopefuls to the final four. It's a bit like Donald Trump picking a new wife, isn't it?

It's a bad day today in California, for the defense in the Michael Jackson case. The judge asked Michael what kind of laptop he had, and Michael said, "His name is Timmy."

This week the Supreme Court will hear a case about Internet music piracy. Now, regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: It will be the first time Chief Justice William Rehnquist has said the word, "Hoobastank."

The Pentagon is developing a robot that can perform surgeries by remote control. Surgeries by remote control! This will allow doctors to operate from as far away as the ninth hole.

Kimmel

Jurors in the Michael Jackson trial got to look at his adult videos and magazines. It's even worse than your mom finding them, having a jury go through them. Some of the things he had – he had Penthouse magazine, he had Barely Legal, he had something called "Photos of Sydney Men," and this shocking video, "Girls Gone."

Gasoline prices hit an all-time high this week. The national average is now $2.05 a gallon. In California the average is $2.31 a gallon. And that is for the cheap gas. Even I have been trying to conserve gas. Everyday now on the way into work, I try to run at least one car off the road. (laughter) I'm also training my assistant to use a siphon.

Left's Hypocrisy Game

Let's Go Back to Elian Gonzalez

Liberals say state courts have the right to decide whether brain-damaged Florida woman Terri Schiavo lives or dies, but they held a different position in the case of Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez in 1999.

WSJ - John Fund - Liberals cheered when Janet Reno defied the courts to seize Elian Gonzalez.

Liberals have gotten off easy for some of the somersaulting arguments they have made on behalf of judicial independence and states' rights to justify their position that Terri Schiavo should not be saved. Many made the opposite arguments in the Elian Gonzalez case.

The Reno Justice Department acted ... to short-circuit a legal process that was clearly going against it. On Good Friday evening, after all courts had closed for the day, the department obtained a "search" warrant from a night-duty magistrate who was not familiar with the case, submitting a supporting affidavit that seriously distorted the facts.

Armed with that dubious warrant, the INS's helmeted officers, assault rifles at the ready, burst into the home of Elian's relatives and snatched the screaming boy from a bedroom closet... Elian was quickly returned to Cuba; because he was never able to meet with his lawyers a scheduled May 11 asylum hearing on his case in Atlanta became moot. (See Picture Elian Snatched)

Rush: The 11th circuit basically ruled against Reno, ruled against the justice department, and Reno said, "To hell with it," and went and got a search warrant for the home where Elian was, spirited the kid out of there with an armed INS agent, and, bam, sent him back down to Cuba.

The left is out there shouting hypocrisy at the right. If they're going to shout hypocrisy I'm going to turn it around and let it bounce right off me and aim it back at them, because where was their disgust with the same types of things they think they're clearly disgusted with today, although the things they're disgusted with today pale in comparison to what Reno, the justice department, and Greg Craig did five years ago: Utter defiance of two different courts, and the veritable kidnapping via search warrant from a night court magistrate of Elian Gonzales and then sending him back to Cuba.

Injury Report Prompted Schiavo Cremation Plans

Michael Schiavo decided to have his wife's body cremated after her parents' lawyers obtained medical records showing she had sustained broken bones, a nurse who cared for Terri Schiavo is now claiming.

"He wanted her cremated after the bone fractures and dislocations were found," nurse Carla Sauer Iyer, who cared for Terri in the mid-1990s while she was at the Palm Gardens Convalescent Center, told ABC Radio host Sean Hannity on Friday.

"He immediately went to court and [said he] wanted her body cremated at that time," she said, "after we got hold of the records that proved there were dislocations and fractures."

A 1991 report on a bone scan performed on Terri Schiavo states:

"There are an extensive number of focal abnormal areas ... These include: multiple bilateral ribs ... both sacroiliac joints ... both knees and both ankles."

Radiographs reveal "compression fractures" of the spine and right femur. ... "Compression fracture presumably traumatic," the report says.

Nurse Iyer said she recently contacted Palm Gardens to encourage co-workers who also cared for Terri to speak out - but said they have been muzzled.

"The administrator had gotten them together and they talked about what happened with Michael," Iyer told Hannity. "The people who have worked with Terri who are still there, they cannot talk to reporters - they would be terminated."

Terri Often Had Bruises

A close friend of Terri Schiavo's said that she often appeared bruised in the months before she was found unconscious in her St. Petersburg, Fla., home on Feb. 25, 1990.

"I did notice bruises on her upper arms and upper legs," Jackie Rhodes told Fox News Channel's Greta Van Susteren. Rhodes and Schiavo worked together at a local insurance office.

At the time, Rhodes said, she attributed Terri's frequent bruising "to maybe running into the desk at work or, you know, maybe she was extra-sensitive."

"But now, hindsight tells me that I did see them quite frequently and that they may have been more than just a bump into the desk," she added.

"They were mostly bruises where normally they would be covered up, you know, during the workday," she explained. "They were smaller bruises, like maybe someone had grabbed her or, you know, like, squeezed her arm or leg really tight."

On Friday Rhodes revealed that Terri and her husband had an ugly argument that night before she was was discovered unconscious on her bathroom floor, and had called her in tears to report the fight.

Rhodes said Terri and Micheal had already discussed getting a divorce.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Well, it is now 11:35 for any parent whose kids are still on spring break. Congratulations – you may already be a grandparent.

In the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital yesterday on a stretcher, did you see that? It happened right after Michael told him he was really broke and couldn't pay him.

Vice President Dick Cheney got a big pay raise. Last he was only making $53 a barrel, this week he's making $57 a barrel.

Yesterday, President Bush said he would further loosen the immigration laws. And of course, people are shocked… "What, we have immigration laws? When did that start?"

What do you think of this? Researchers at an Austrian university are facing ethics charges for using human corpses as crash test dummies. See, that's what happens if you don't have a good Social Security system … you have to keep working even after you're dead.

Isn't that creepy? But think about it – you know hard it is for a corpse to find work? Look at Al Gore, he's been out of work for what, about six years?

Conan

Arnold Schwarzenegger may be in trouble, did you hear this? It's been reported that [he] may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breast. When asked about it, Arnold said, "I didn't want to, but Barbara Walters kept insisting."

Yesterday, President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox at his ranch in Texas. There was one awkward moment, when Bush asked the Mexican president, "How did you sneak in here?"

Adidas has created a "smart shoe" that costs $250. Yeah, apparently the shoe is so smart it has never paid $250 for a shoe.

Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, jurors were shown a pornographic magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch called "Over 50." When asked why he bought the magazine "Over 50," Michael said, "I thought they meant months."

Miller

"President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin on Wednesday. Oddly enough, the meeting occurred when they all reached for the same 24 pack of Kirkland toilet paper at Costco."

"Actually, the three leaders met in Texas, where they spent part of the time on President Bush's ranch. The meeting did get off to a rocky start, though, when Bush said he valued Canada and Mexico, seeing them as large pieces of Styrofoam protecting something really valuable in between."

"In an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Robert Blake said that he has a clear conscience after his acquittal. Blake went on to say that if the jury believes he didn't kill his wife, than so does he."

"The County Treasurer in New Castle, Pennsylvania has come under heavy criticism for allegedly using his county issued cell phone to coordinate sex parties. A sex party featuring county workers... There's an orgy you don't want to miss. A bunch of orange traffic cones surrounding six shirtless chubby guys smoking cigarettes and watching the new guy hump a shovel."

Killing Terri Schiavo

We are being told that Terri Schiavo is being "allowed" to "die a natural death." Such an argument might make some sense if this were a terminally ill person. But Terri Schiavo is not dying from anything other than a lack of food and water, from which any of the rest of us would die.

She is not dying a natural death. She is being killed.

Thomas Sowell: What is being kept alive artificially is the liberal media version of events. One side of this story is being repeated endlessly, as if it were gospel, but anyone saying something different -- including doctors and nurses who have actually seen or taken care of Terri Schiavo -- is unlikely to be reported.

Despite the oft-repeated claim that Terri Schiavo is being "allowed" to die, supposedly in accordance with her own wishes, the only person who says that these were her wishes is the one person who wants her dead and who personally stands to benefit from her death -- her husband, Michael Schiavo.

When Sean Hannity said this on the Fox News channel's "Hannity & Colmes" program, he was assured by a lawyer who was defending the removal of the feeding tube that Michael Schiavo was not the only one to hear Terri say this.

But, when Hannity demanded to know the name of just one other person, the lawyer followed an old lawyer's maxim: "When your case is weak, shout louder!" He shouted and waxed indignant -- but did not produce the name of any other person.

This case is one where many people speak with certainty about very uncertain things -- and the certainties of one side contradict the certainties of the other.

Many seem certain that Terri Schiavo is vegetative, does not understand what is going on around her and cannot respond. But Carla Sauer Iyer, a nurse who attended Mrs. Schiavo for more than a year, has contradicted all of this. Moreover, she has painted a very different picture of Michael Schiavo than the one he presents to the courts and to the media.

But you are not likely to find her eyewitness account of events in the mainstream media.

According to this nurse, Michael Schiavo complained that his wife wasn't dying fast enough -- only the word he used was not wife or woman but a word that cannot be repeated in a family newspaper.

The nurse's sworn statement, under penalty of perjury, is that she reported to the police that she had found Terri in both medical and emotional distress after a closed door visit by her husband -- and that she also found a vial of insulin, as well as needle marks on Terri, after Michael Schiavo's visit.

The same mainstream media that will scour the country to find individuals to quote in support of killing Terri Schiavo will not lift a finger to investigate the chilling charges this nurse filed with the police years ago. It might disturb the picture they are trying to paint.

Terri Schiavo is being killed because she is inconvenient to her husband and because she is inconvenient to those who do not want the idea of the sanctity of life to be strengthened and become an impediment to abortion. Nor do they want the supremacy of judges to be challenged, when judges are the liberals' last refuge.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

As you know, millions of Americans are on spring break right now ... how many here are on spring break? (applause) Now, be honest – did you plan on staying this long, or you just can't afford gas to go back home?

Robert Blake is still out there looking for acting jobs. Did you hear the news today? He could be the new host of "Elim-a-date."

As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause.

Yesterday, Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. (laughter) I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boys' pants disappear.

According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.

Letterman

You know what's exciting, ladies and gentlemen, the circus is in New York City. (applause) You know what they do, they parade the big circus elephants right through Manhattan. I gotta tell you, New Yorkers just aren't impressed by that. Hell, we've got rats that big.

Here's an interesting fact ... elephants cannot breathe through their trunks. And neither can mob informants on their way to New Jersey.

Sunday night, CBS had a TV movie called "Spring Break: Shark Attack." Here's what happens: A bunch of bikini-clad co-eds are attacked by sharks. The movie was such a hit that CBS is now planning a new TV movie in which a hurricane hits "Hooters."

This just in – Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Los Angeles.

Kimmel

Today was a very good day for Michael Jackson ... well, I guess as good as it can get when you're on trial for child molestation. (laughter) For the second straight day, Michael was 20 minutes early to court. What he's done – and this is very clever – he's started TiVo'ing "Teletubbies."

There's a story going around that when Michael gets off scot-free, which will happen, he's going to sign a deal to be the house performer at the new Trump casino that they're building in Las Vegas. I guess things went well with Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace, and they figured why not sign up another superstar white woman to perform.

Send in the National Guard

How about a Republican governor sending in the National Guard to stop an innocent American woman from being starved to death in Florida? Republicans like the military. Democrats get excited about the use of military force only when it's against Americans.

Democrats have called out armed federal agents in order to: 1) prevent black children from attending a public school in Little Rock, Ark. (National Guard), 2) investigate an alleged violation of federal gun laws in Waco, Texas (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms), and 3) deport a small boy to Cuba (Immigration and Naturalization Service).

Starved for justice - Ann Coulter

In two of the three cases mentioned above, the Democrats' use of force was in direct contravention of court rulings. Admittedly, this was a very long time ago – back in U.S. history when the judiciary was only one of the three branches of our government. Democratic Gov. Orval Faubus called out the Arkansas National Guard expressly for purposes of defying rulings of the U.S. Supreme Court and lower federal courts.

The decadent buffoon Bill Clinton sent armed agents from the INS to seize a small boy from an American family – despite rulings by the majestic and infallible Florida courts granting custody of the boy to that very family.

None of these exercises of military force has gone down in history as a noble moment, but that's because of the underlying purpose of the force, not the fact that force was used.

As important as it was to enforce the constitutional right to desegregated schools, isn't it also important to enforce Terri Schiavo's right to due process before she is killed by starvation?

Just once, we need an elected official to stand up to a clearly incorrect ruling by a court. Any incorrect ruling will do, but my vote is for a state court that has ordered a disabled woman to be starved to death at the request of her adulterous husband.

Florida state court Judge George Greer – last heard from when he denied an order of protection to a woman weeks before her husband stabbed her to death – determined that Terri would have wanted to be starved to death based on the testimony of her husband, who was then living with another woman.

The husband also happened to be the only person present when the oxygen was cut off to Terri's brain in the first place. He now has two children with another woman.

Greer has refused to order the most basic medical tests for brain damage before condemning a woman to death. Despite all those years of important, searching litigation we keep hearing about, Terri has yet to receive either an MRI or a PET scan – although she may be allowed to join a support group for women whose husbands are trying to kill them.

Given the country's fetishism about court rulings, this may be a rash assumption, but I presume if Greer had ordered that Terri Schiavo be shot at her husband's request – a more humane death, by the way – the whole country would not sit idly by, claiming to be bound by the court's ruling because of the "rule of law" and "federalism." President Bush would order the FBI to protect her and Gov. Bush would send in the state police.

What was supposed to be the "least dangerous" branch has become the most dangerous – literally to the point of ordering an innocent American woman to die, and willfully disregarding congressional subpoenas.

They can't be stopped – solely because the entire country has agreed to treat the pronouncements of former ambulance-chasers as the word of God. The only power courts have is that everyone jumps when they say "jump."

People seem a little intimidated by the black robes. From now on we should make all judges wear lime-green leisure suits.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

I've started doing that new Robert Blake workout. No matter what you do wrong, you just walk.

How do you think [his] acquittal makes Martha Stewart feel? I mean, she goes to prison for lying to investigators, Robert Blake goes free ... you know, if Martha would have just killed her stockbroker instead of taken his advice, she'd be a free woman now.

Michael Jackson had a big St. Patrick's Day party at the Neverland Ranch [last week]. In fact, when the cops showed up, Michael told the kids, "Just tell 'em you're leprechauns."

You know how they pronounce Michael's name in Ireland? "Pete O'Phile."

Adidas has announced they're coming out with a "smart" shoe. It costs $250. You know, it's bad enough we can't afford to drive anywhere, now we can't walk anywhere.

According to a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, they say American schoolchildren are now incredible multi-taskers. They say one-third of all school children can now do their homework, instant message their friends, listen to music, watch TV and have sex with the teacher all at the same time.

Letterman

What a beautiful day ... isn't it lovely today in New York City? (applause) It's so nice, earlier today I saw a rat going into Central Park carrying a yoga mat.

It was so nice in New York City today that Martha Stewart was running around her estate wearing nothing but her electronic ankle bracelet.

Insiders now claim that Michael Jackson is zonked on medication, cut off from reality and headed for a nervous breakdown. (Pause) No, wait a minute ... that's me.

How about that Robert Blake – there's something, huh? What a piece of work this guy is. And now he's appearing on television to give his first interview to Barbara Walters, and earlier today he made Spaghetti Bolognaise with Tony Danza.

And Blake says he doesn't know who killed his wife, which would make him the only one in the world who doesn't. (laughter) But he's grateful for his acquittal. He thanked his team of legal warriors and the jury of 12 dumb asses.

Conan

If it's possible, you always think with [the Michael Jackson trial] it couldn't get stranger, then you tune in the next day and it's absolute madness. Yesterday at [the trial], Michael showed up late again, and then he broke down crying at one point. In fact, people close to Michael say he hasn't been this upset since they canceled "The Wonder Years."

The New York Post says that Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar, she had to be helped outside by the bouncer. (cheers) Afterwards, Chelsea said, "I'm sorry, I'm really competitive with the Bush twins."

This is weird. In Wisconsin, a 63-year-old man was charged with sexual gratification with an animal, for allegedly having sex with cows. Yeah. If convicted, the Wisconsin man could be deported to West Virginia.

Judge Thumbed His Nose at Congress

U.S. District Judge James Whittemore has defied Congress by not staying Terri Schiavo's starvation execution for the time it takes him to hold a full hearing on her case, a leading Republican senator said Tuesday.

"You have judicial tyranny here," Santorum told WABC Radio in New York. "Congress passed a law that said that you had to look at this case. He simply thumbed his nose at Congress."

"What the statute that [Whittemore] was dealing with said was that he shall hold a trial de novo," the Pennsylvania Republican explained. "That means he has to hold a new trial. That's what the statute said."

"What he's saying is, 'I don't have to hold a new trial because I've already determined that her rights have been protected,'" Santorum said.

"That's nice for him to say that. But that's not what Congress told him to do," he added. "Judges should obey the law. And this judge - in my mind - simply ignored the law."

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

I guess we've got a lot of folks from out of town ... a lot of folks visiting New York City. (Applause) Lots of folks here on spring break. (Applause). What's the matter, you never heard of the Bahamas? You picked a bad time to be in New York City, because all the hookers are on spring break.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the first full day of spring, and Martha Stewart's already got an ankle bracelet tan line.

Martha Stewart is under house arrest, and there's a 24-hour surveillance team monitoring Martha's whereabouts. (pause) Nothing yet on al-Qaida.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's March Madness (applause). Lots of upsets. Robert Blake now advances to face the Scott Peterson jury.

Terri Schiavo is being killed

Make no mistake about it, Terri Schiavo is being killed. She is not being "allowed to die."

No murderer would be allowed to be killed this way, which would almost certainly be declared "cruel and unusual punishment," in violation of the Constitution, by virtually any court.

She is not like someone whose breathing, blood circulation, kidney function, or other vital work of the body is being performed by machines. What she is getting by machine is what all of us get otherwise every day -- food and water. Depriving any of us of food and water would kill us just as surely, and just as agonizingly, as it is killing Terri Schiavo.

'Cruel and unusual'

Thomas Sowell: If the tragic case of Terri Schiavo shows nothing else, it shows how easily "the right to die" can become the right to kill. It is hard to believe that anyone, regardless of their position on euthanasia, would have chosen the agony of starvation and dehydration as the way to end someone's life.

A New York Times headline on March 20th tried to assure us: "Experts Say Ending Feeding Can Lead to a Gentle Death" but you can find experts to say anything. In a December 2, 2002 story in the same New York Times, people starving in India were reported as dying, "often clutching pained stomachs."

Terri Schiavo's only crime is that she has become an inconvenience -- and is caught in the merciless machinery of the law. Those who think law is the answer to our problems need to face the reality that law is a crude and blunt instrument.

Would I want to be kept alive in Terri Schiavo's condition? No. Would I want to be killed so slowly and painfully? No. Would anyone? I doubt it.

The fervor of those who want to save Terri Schiavo's life is understandable and should be respected, even by those who disagree. What is harder to understand is the fervor and even venom of those liberals who have gone ballistic -- ostensibly over state's rights, over the Constitutional separation of powers, and even over the sanctity of family decisions.

These are not things that liberals have any track record of caring about. Is what really bothers them the idea of the sanctity of life and what that implies for their abortion issue? Or do they hate any challenge to the supremacy of judges -- on which the whole liberal agenda depends -- a supremacy that the Constitution never gave the judiciary?

If nothing else comes out of all this, there needs to be a national discussion of some humane way to end life in those cases when it has to be ended -- and this may not be one of those cases.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Isn't it amazing? Robert Blake was found not guilty. And his lawyer was very clever. The defense was based on the premise, "What kind of idiot kills his wife after buying her dinner?"

You know, last week Scott Peterson was given the death penalty, plus he was fined ten thousand dollars. Ooo… lots of incentive to pay that one, huh?

But I think this whole thing has mellowed Blake. Like today, he said he would kill again if he met the right woman.

Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?"

Well folks, on the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, gas prices in California have hit three dollars a gallon in some places. Three dollars a gallon! Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there's no weapons of mass destruction, but apparently there's no gas there either.

Gas prices are so high, Robert Blake and O.J. are forced to carpool in their search for the real killers.

Miller

A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually rise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's journal of "Things that Scientists Told You To Do Last Month That Turned Out to be Harmful This Month."

An advertisement by a French company that parodies Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper" has been banned because it is offensive to Roman Catholics. Hey, I was raised Catholic, and I don't find it offensive. That explains why I was recently asked to appear on the cover of "Hip Catholic Magazine."

Christopher Botchen, a substitute teacher in Fresno, Calif. was arrested for allegedly smoking pot in the classroom with at least 10 students. Now, under California law, as most of you know, if you smoke weed in the classroom, you have to bring enough for everyone.

Michael Schiavo: 'When is that bitch gonna die?'

Carla Sauer Iyer was a registered nurse at the facility. In her own affidavit Iyer testified that Ms. Schiavo was capable of speech, explaining, "[Terri] spoke on a regular basis, saying such things as 'Mommy' and 'help me.'"

When she put a washcloth in Terri's hands to keep her fingers from curling together, Iyer said, "Michael saw it and made me take it out, saying that was therapy" that he had forbidden.

"Throughout my time at Palm Gardens, Michael Schiavo was focused on Terri's death," the RN noted. "Michael would say 'When is she going to die?' 'Has she died yet?' and 'When is that bitch gonna die?'"

Nurse: Terri Can Eat Normally

A certified nursing assistant who cared for Terri Schiavo in 1997 filed a sworn affidavit in the case stating that she was able to feed Schiavo normally on multiple occasions - but that husband Michael Schiavo would allow only a feeding tube.

Heidi Law, a CNA at the Palm Gardens nursing home, testified:

"At least three times during any shift where I took care of Terri, I made sure to give Terri a wet washcloth filled with ice chips, to keep her mouth moistened. I personally saw her swallow the ice water and never saw her gag.

[Another CNA] and I frequently put orange juice or apple juice in her washcloth to give her something nice to taste, which made her happy. On three or four occasions I personally fed Terri small mouthfuls of Jello, which she was able to swallow and enjoyed immensely."

Law testified that the only reason she didn't attempt to feed Ms. Schiavo more frequently was "because I was so afraid of being caught by Michael."

Editorializing on the case in light of Law's account, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette said Sunday, "It is one thing to withdraw a feeding tube; another entirely to withhold that day's meal tray."

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Today on the news they were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool. They said it’s about 20 percent African-American and 75 percent white ... oh, I’m sorry. That’s Michael Jackson.

You know who I feel really sorry for today? Robert Blake. Did you see what happened to him? All the reporters left his trial and went up to cover Michael’s. "Hey, come on, you guys. Who do I have to shoot in this town?!"

The elections in Iraq are being called a huge success. Did you see all the Iraqi people dancing in the streets? Wasn’t that amazing? I had no idea they were such bad dancers. That was unbelievable! Thank God that country doesn’t allow alcohol. Imagine how much worse the dancing would have been then!

A lot of Iraqi citizens here in the United States voted in the election as well. In fact, a lot of Iraqis in Chicago voted seven or eight times. Some are still voting now.

President Bush was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26, legalizing gay marriage in Mosul, was defeated.

Terrorists in Iraq claimed today they had kidnapped a U.S. soldier. They even released video showing a U.S. soldier with a gun to his head. It turns out the soldier was really just a toy doll. Like a G.I. Joe doll. The whole thing was fake. Well, it’s nice to see Dan Rather working again.

Here’s a very odd story – the New York Post reports that CBS is considering adding a comedian to the nightly news when Dan Rather steps down. How embarrassing is that for Dan? "Dan, I’m sorry, but you have to step down because there’s a problem with your credibility. We’re going to bring in Carrot Top."

As you know, Hillary Clinton collapsed. Apparently even she couldn’t believe how well the elections went in Iraq.

United Airlines pilots ratified a new contract that would reduce hourly wages 11.8 percent. The pilots are now saying the deal shouldn’t count because they were drunk when they signed it: "We were drinking pretty heavy. We don’t know what we signed."

Conan

The election is over. Bill Clinton has stated that Democrats shouldn’t sit around and whine about the election. He also went on to say, instead Democrats should use the occasion to ask for pity sex.

John Kerry is in the news of course. (Loud cheers) You haven’t seen the news I guess. Friends of John Kerry say he is depressed since the election ended. In fact he’s so down he hasn’t left any of his houses.

A recent study has found that more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the Jell-O.

Tom Cruise is in the news. Says he’s about to climb Mount Everest. And you thought he looked short next to Nicole Kidman.

Elton John is also in the news. He’s in talks with ABC to do a sitcom. The show will be called "The Real King of Queens”.

Judge Orders Schiavo Feeding Tube Removed

PINELLAS PARK, Fla. (AP) - The presiding judge in the case of Terri Schiavo ruled Friday that the feeding tube keeping the brain-damaged woman alive must be removed, despite efforts by congressional Republicans to block the move by seeking her appearance at hearings.

Pinellas Circuit Judge George Greer refused a request from U.S. House attorneys to delay the removal, which he had previously ordered to take place at 1 p.m. EST. Greer determined that it should go forward about an hour after another judge issued a temporary delay blocking the tube's removal.

DeLay Pledges Contempt Charge for Terri Judge

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay pledged Friday to hold Florida state judge George Greer in contempt of Congress for ignoring a congressional subpoena for Terri Schiavo's testimony, saying, "No little judge sitting in a state district court in Florida is going to usurp the authority of Congress."

"The Congress will pursue this, if we have to hold him in contempt of Congress," DeLay told radio host Sean Hannity.

Pressed on whether he intended to hold Judge Greer in contempt, the top Republican told Hannity: "Absolutely, absolutely."

But DeLay told Hannity, "This judge and the Supreme Court of Florida are well known to be liberal judges that have a different worldview and they're imposing their worldview on the law."

The top House leader said that "no sane person" could look at Schiavo and say she's in a persistent vegetative state.

DeLay called a lawyer for Michael Schiavo, who has pressed for years to have his wife starved to death, "the personification of evil."

Rush Throws Gasoline on the Fire

RUSH: Let's throw some gasoline on this...

People say, "Why is Congress getting involved in this? What's Congress got to do with this? It's a local case. It's an individual case." Can I take you back to our founding documents and particularly the Declaration of Independence?

We are all "endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights. The right to life, liberty, pursuit of happiness." You could make the argument that it certainly is a charge of government to defend and protect life, given that this forms one of the building blocks of the foundation of our country, and I find it fascinating here.

I am sorry to say this, but I can't find a liberal Democrat anywhere who's standing up for this woman's right to live. Now, I said I was going to throw some gasoline on this. But, it seems to me that it's Republicans that are doing what they can to protect this woman's life.

It's just interesting to see the sides, and the battle lines drawn here, and it's amazing to me who you can always find standing up for life and liberty, and it just happens to be conservatives and Republicans that do it.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

According to the New York City Health Department, there’s a rat problem in the city. We have at least 3 million rats, possibly as many as 10 million. And they’re not like the little white lab rats. The Health Department says that these rats are too smart to be trapped. Too smart. Don’t kid yourself, these rats are smart. Today outside Central Park I saw a rat doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in ballpoint pen.

The rats are very smart. They taunt police with letters to the paper.

Are you ready for St. Patrick’s Day? It’s tomorrow. The police will be enforcing alternate sides of the street urinating.

For St. Patrick’s Day Martha Stewart will be wearing her green ankle bracelet.

Today in California Michael Jackson paid off a leprechaun.

Philadelphia 23 Americans Killed, Iraq 6 in 8 Days

Time for US to Pull Out of Philly.

CBS - City In Crisis

PHILADELPHIA (KYW) Authorities and prosecutors concerned with a rash of killings in the city continued their plea for the public’s help in identifying murderers.

Within the past eight days, there have been 23 homicides in Philadelphia, including three in the late-night and early morning hours after District Attorney Lynne M. Abraham made her appeal and vowed that her office will protect witnesses.

CBS 3 reports that Mayor Street, under certain circumstances, would consider help from the Pennsylvania State Police and even the National Guard.

Rush: Time for US to Pull Out of Philly...

With all this Violence In Philadelphia, is it safe for us to be in Philly? Do we need to be in Philadelphia?

This is an insurgency and uprising, 23 murders in 8 days. We have no exist plans. This is a place out of control.

No more money for Philly. It is time to get us out of Philadelphia... more Americans died last week in Philly than in Iraq. Send the UN in their, send in the blue helmets.

United States Central Command - CASUALTY REPORTS (Click Here)

Go Back 8 Days. We had 6 American Solders Killed in Iraq. May God continue to watch over our troops in Iraq and everywhere.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

Crime in New York City is at an all time low. I think it must be true because it’s been weeks since I’ve had to say, "You’re not so tough without your knife punk!”

Crime is so low that it’s been weeks since I’ve played dead on a bank floor.

New York City has a terrible rat problem. And I mean rats, they’re not cute, they’re like terrier size. They estimate there’s between three and ten million rats in New York City. The real problem though is that they’re smart. They can elude capture. For example I was walking through Central Park this morning and saw one rat distract a squirrel and then a second rat ran in a grabbed its nuts.

I am tired, I probably don’t look the best, I haven’t slept all week. The problem is that each night I keep rolling over and hitting the electric ankle bracelet on Martha’s leg.

The niece of Osama bin Laden is living right here in New York City. I believe her name is Joyce. She’s an actress. She’s in an off Broadway play. I believe the name of the play is "Annie Get Your Gun Through Airport Security”.

President Clinton is in recovery. He’s doing well. He had quadruple bypass surgery. Then recently he had some other problems. But now he’s at home. Who thought his heart would be the first organ to give out?

Ferguson

St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner. You can tell because today Michael Jackson was seen dangling a leprechaun.

Toys-R-Us is about to go bankrupt. See what happens when Michael Jackson stops dating?

I have a question about Michael Jackson. If Michael Jackson and Marilyn Manson were driving and collided on the 401 Freeway would it be considered a freak accident?

The State of California has ruled that the ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. So congratulations to gay people – you’re about to find out the joys of alimony.

The Constitutional Option

WASHINGTON (AP) - Democrats threatened Tuesday to slow or stop most Senate business if Republicans unilaterally change the rules to assure confirmation of President Bush's controversial court appointments.

Republicans rebutted swiftly, Frist in the lead. "To shut down the Senate would be irresponsible and partisan. The solution is simple: Return to 200 years of tradition and allow up or down votes on judges," he said in a written statement.

"The Democrats have it backwards," said Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah. "They broke with a long-standing tradition of giving judicial nominations that reach the Senate floor an up or down vote, and we simply want to restore that tradition."

Rush: Let's talk about this constitutional option. The Democrats call it the nuclear option, but as I keep saying they're the ones that have initiated the nuclear option by filibustering judicial nominees when the Constitution says nothing about that.

The Democrats are opposing this with everything they've got. They're opposing this with more fervor than they are opposing Social Security. They're opposing this constitutional option with more energy and more purpose than they are engaged in any other issue that has come before the Senate. The question is why? I think I have a bit of an answer.

We already know that much of the left has become irrelevant. The rantings and ravings of the kook fringe that now comprise the mainstream of the Democratic Party have rendered their party pretty much irrelevant.

If the Republicans do initiate the so-called constitutional option and clear the way for the confirmation of the judges that the president wants to appear on the appellate courts and the district courts and the Supreme Court, let me ask you this: just what purpose would be left for the Democrats to serve in the Senate?

Maybe opposing Social Security... I wouldn't be surprised that if the constitutional option is implemented and the Bush nominees are confirmed, Democrats could retire from the Senate in droves. The doors to the Senate chamber wouldn't be wide enough to be able to handle the stampede outta there.

Their single reason, their only reason for being right now is to filibuster judicial appointments so that there will be no vote on Bush judicial appointees. Once they can't do that, once they can't stop these nominations, then you have one less reason for all those 45 egos to sit around and be reminded they're a minority party. Remember the retirement in droves by Democrats from the House after 1994? They're not there to compete in the arena of ideas.

Late-Night Jokes

Letterman

Crime is now at an all time low in New York City. The bad news is that it’s our leading industry.

Crime is low but I still have bad knees from begging for my life.

The U.S. has convicted Osama bin Laden’s spiritual advisor. I believe his name was Sheik Phil.

Next we’re going after Osama’s yoga instructor.

Mel Gibson has re-released "The Passion”. A very powerful movie. It’s basically the same movie, just six minutes shorter. What they did was take out the coffee and desert at the Last Supper.

Are you following the Michael Jackson trial? Last week he shows up to trial in his pajamas. You know I’m starting to think he’s a little crazy and weird.

Spring training has begun for Major League Baseball. Steroids are the big issue right now in baseball and congress has subpoenaed several players for a hearing. They subpoenaed Jason Giambi, Sammy Sosa, Curt Shilling and Janet Reno.

Congress Is Clearly Grandstanding

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The chairman of a congressional committee Sunday threatened to push contempt proceedings against some of the biggest names in baseball if they fail to appear for a hearing this week about performance-enhancing steroids that have rocked Major League Baseball.

Rush: If I were Bud Selig, the commissioner ... I would form a committee and I would put on the committee Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, Curt Schilling, and all these other people that have been subpoenaed, have these baseball players hold a hearing on how Congress has destroyed Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.

Now, this isn't to say that baseball shouldn't get its act together, but congressional oversight of this? Come on, folks, this is a day late and a dollar short. They have jurisdiction over some drug laws.

But my point is this has been going on a long, long time and it's clearly grandstanding, and there are other things that the government could be looking into like Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid reform, so the Congress is not going to do that.

Well, I mean why not? Why not? If we're going to get a contempt of Congress charge let's go all the way. Let's start telling Congress how they should do what they should do. You know, these guys, they got enough to do without branching out here into the private sector and trying to tell us...

In the meantime, they've done enough to screw up enough things that they need to be looked into as well. And who's going to do it? Well, I'm volunteering. I'll join the committee of baseball players, chaired by Bud Selig, to look into the -- we won't have subpoena power, but we could still do some hearings. We'll do them on this show, we'll do the hearings on this show. I'll chair the committee if I have to.

How about we have hearings, since that's what the Democrats want to do, they want to do all these hearings on the baseball, let's have some hearings, let's make Democrats, let's have an investigation of the Democratic Party, we'll have hearings. We'll make Democrats stand up and swear. I mean put an oath on 'em out there, put the Bible, make 'em swear on an oath that taxes are not harmful and addicting.

Hey, folks, then the counterargument is hey, let 'em investigate baseball. The more they do that, the less they muck up the rest of our lives. So we could go -- (laughing) -- if all Congress does is conduct hearings, they don't pass any stupid, ridiculous laws. Of course, that's not altogether true because some stupid, ridiculous laws come out of hearings.

Chihuahua Adopts Chick

Ananova: A pet chihuahua dog has adopted a baby chick in China.

Huahua took charge of the chick as soon as owner Liu Bangyang's daughter brought it home.

She regards the chick as her baby and stands guard to make sure it comes to no harm, reports the Chongqing Morning News.

And, whenever the chick strays too far, Huahua picks it up gently in her mouth and puts it back in its cot.

Liu, from Guiyang city, Guizhou province, said: "We'll try our best to raise the little chicken, if that's what Huahua wants."

Condi Defends John Bolton

Meet The Press - Transcript for March 13

NBC's Tim Russert questioned Secretary of State Condi Rice on Sunday's "Meet the Press" about President Bush's nomination of John Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the U.N.

Russert claimed that U.S. diplomat John Bolton has been a regular and frequent critic of the United Nations.

Russert cited past interviews in which Bolton said if he had a chance to redo the Security Council, there would be only one member - the United States, "because that's the real reflection of the distribution of power in the world."

In 1994, during a Citizens for Global Solutions Convocation conference, he was quoted as saying: "There is no such thing as the United Nations. The secretariat building in New York has 38 stories. If you lost 10 stories today, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."

Such statements have angered U.N. supporters in the U.S. and some U.N. member states.

So, why would President Bush nominate him to be America's next U.N. ambassador, Russert queried.

"Because John is a very good diplomat. He has a lot of experience in U.N. affairs," Rice replied.

Why, then, Russert asked Rice, is Bolton often less than diplomatic in his statements?

"Well, sometimes we all say undiplomatic things, but the key is that this is a very good diplomat," Rice said with a smile.

"The United States needs a U.N. that is efficient, that is effective, that can meet the challenges of the 21st century," she continued.

"The U.N. itself, Secretary-General Annan's people, the members of the U.N. all know that the U.N. needs reform, that there are problems that have been exposed, for instance, through the Oil-for-Food program or through some of the problems with peacekeeping.

"The United States is going to work with the secretary-general and with the U.N. to make sure that we address these problems, and John Bolton ... is going to be someone who's going to be a strong voice for U.N. reform and for an American role in that," said Rice.

Pictures Of The Day

More great pictures from You. The website "Pictures Of The Day", will give us a place to share your pictures with others.

Rather Bitter

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Hey, before we get started, has anybody seen my pajama bottoms?

The gag order has been lifted. I can finally say what I have not been allowed to say all this time. Michael Jackson is my father.

Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up at the courthouse late. Or as he likes to call it, "a little behind”.

When Michael actually did arrive he was looking disheveled wearing pajama bottoms and walking stiffly. Which is usually how most boys leave the Neverland Ranch.

In fact, the worse part was when the kid saw the pajamas and said, "Hey those are mine.”

You know what I think happened – I think Michael got confused. I think he saw all those boys on the witness stand and thought there was going to be a sleep-over.

In the Michael Jackson trial, the jury wasn’t in court. They were given three days off to let their skin stop crawling.

A lot of people thought Michael was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he’s on trial for child molestation.

A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That’s the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables.

The boy testified that Michael Jackson was walking around naked and aroused. Boy all of a sudden Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl thing doesn’t seem so bad, huh?

You know who I feel sorry for in all this? Robert Blake. Today he stuck his head inside the jury room to see how it was going and they were all watching the Michael Jackson trial.

See here’s my feelings on this whole thing – if Michael Jackson wants to have sex with kids, he should do what other people do and become a teacher?

Why does Michael stay at the Ramada Inn - kids stay free.

Why does Michael Jackson like blackjack? He gets to double down on ten or eleven.

What did Michael Jackson tell the priest? "Hey, I saw him first.”

Michael Jackson is so broke…he’s only hitting on kids with trust funds. That’s how bad it is now.

Michael is so broke, today he was pouring red wine in cans of RC Cola.

Michael Jackson is broke. Funny, now he can actually only afford one glove.

Michael Jackson is so broke, now when he dangles a kid over a balcony it’s to shake spare change out their pockets.

Michael Jackson so broke….he’s now considered poor white trash.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

What a crowd! You sound like Bill Clinton when he heard he was gonna get to see the nurses at New York Presbyterian hospital again.

Good news. President Clinton is doing better. Just today, his condition was upgraded from stable to horny.

As you know former President Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can cleanup from his last operation and remove fluid buildup. Isn’t fluid buildup what got him impeached the last time?

He was in surgery for four hours today under a general anesthetic and when he finally opened his eyes and saw Hillary standing there he thought, "Oh my god, I’ve died and gone to hell.”

Big snowstorm back east this week. Six inches in Connecticut. The good news, it makes it easier to track Martha Stewart.

Do you know there’s actually no snow in Martha Stewart’s yard? She got up at 5 A.M. and vacuumed the entire thing.

Last night was Dan Rather’s last night as anchor of the CBS Evening News. Dan is not leaving show business. He’ll be hosting the new "Ripley’s Believe It or Not”.

(Michael Jackson jokes done by Drew Carey due to gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial.) Nice to be here. Thank you very much. Michael Jackson showed up to court late today wearing his pajama bottoms. You know what? If we find the kid wearing the pajama top, we have another court case on our hands.

Michael arrived at court looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is white.

The official word from the Michael Jackson camp is he has a hurt back. Hey kids are heavier now!

What does Michael Jackson call a school bus? Meals on wheels.

Do you know where Michael’s two favorite places to go on vacation are? Youngstown and Boise!

What does Michael Jackson never say after having sex? "Why don’t you grow up?”

The observers say Michael rarely looked at the boy on the stand. Of course he didn’t. The kid is 15 now.

(Back to Jay Leno.) Over in Britain, they have now come out with a Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles postage stamp. It’s a little different than the regular stamps. On these stamps, the adhesive is on the picture side, so you put it on the letter face down.

Delta airlines announced to cut costs, they are doing away with pillows. Great, so now there’s no way to shut up that crying baby.

According to a new law in San Louis Obispo, California, a librarian has the right to throw someone out of the library if they smell bad. Of course people here in Los Angeles where shocked when they heard that, they said, "What’s a library?”

Aide to Sen. Biden Sentenced as 'Sugar Daddy'

A former aide to U.S. Sen. Joseph Biden has been sentenced to three years in prison for stealing more than $400,000 in campaign funds partly to buy gifts for men he met through the Internet.

Roger Blevins III, 34, a former assistant campaign treasurer for Biden, was sentenced in federal court Thursday after pleading guilty last year to two charges, including interstate transportation of stolen property.

Assistant U.S. Attorney April Byrd said Blevins wanted to play "sugar daddy" to three Florida men he met online. Prosecutors alleged he made almost two dozen improper transfers or withdrawals from Biden's account in 2002 and 2003 and spent the money on expensive dinners, wine and luxury cars, including a Porsche Boxster and a BMW convertible.

Blevins apologized in court Thursday, saying his actions were "stupid, ignorant and wrong." He said he never intended to harm the Delaware Democrat's political career.

A phone message left with a Biden spokesperson was not immediately returned Friday.

According to court records, Blevins got involved with the men when he placed the highest bid for a date with one of them. One of the men reportedly had a fight with Blevins and called authorities.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

What a crowd! You sound like President Bush when he heard this is Dan Rather's last broadcast.

As you know, Dan Rather has officially stepped down tonight. I don’t know what he’s going to do now, but I think we can rule out joining the Texas Air National Guard.

For all his years at CBS, the network gave Dan Rather a gold watch. Well, they told him it was gold ... you know, he’ll believe anything.

Here’s my question: Who quits on a Wednesday? Who makes their last day a Wednesday? What 24 years, he can’t put in two more half-hours?

Our prayers go out to President Clinton. He’s going into the hospital for surgery, not too serious, to remove scar tissue from his heart. Doctors say it’s a low-risk, somewhat routine operation. In fact, each year they do thousands of these, and that’s just on Dick Cheney.

As you know, Martha Stewart is under house arrest for the next five months. During this time her activities will be limited to only doing things that will make her even richer.

Well, there are reports that Michael Jackson may be trying to sell the Neverland Ranch. He’s having financial problems. That’s what they said in the paper today. He might be putting it on the market, and Michael’s neighbors are up in arms. They’re afraid some weirdo might move in.

(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial, the following Michael Jackson jokes were read by Carrot Top.)
You know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house? When the big hand is on the little hand.

Today Michael Jackson told the jury that he actually likes 38-year-olds. What he meant was 30 8-year-olds ...

(Back to Jay Leno) A new survey says that 50 percent of people are unhappy with their job. You know why? Because their job is now in India.

Here’s another reason to be happy to live in America. A new study says that it is extremely expensive to own a dog in England. They say that over the dog’s lifetime, it could cost the owner as much as $38,000. But Prince Charles says hey, he’s going ahead with the wedding anyway.

Good news - the makers of Wrigley Doublemint gum announced today they’re bringing back the Doublemint twins. You remember the Doublemint twins? They were the Coors Lite twins before the breast implants.

Mel Gibson is on the show tonight. As you know, they are re-releasing the film "Passion of The Christ" ... or, as it’s known in Hollywood, "800 Million Dollar Baby."

Oliver North Warns John Bolton

News item: President Bush taps John Bolton for U.N. Ambassador.

Oliver North: The thought of you (John Bolton) representing us at the United Nations is driving the Bush-bashing, French-kissing, Blame-America-First crowd that savaged Condi Rice and Alberto Gonzales into a frenzy.

Article of Oliver North - Misunderestimation

Dear John,

Congratulations on the new gig as the president's top dog (Rottweiler?) at the United Nations. Given the way the liberals have reacted to your appointment, your confirmation hearings are likely to generate more adrenalin than a gunfight in Fallujah.

John "Sore Loser" Kerry described your nomination as "just about the most inexplicable appointment the president could make." Your appointment confirms their worst fears: They have "misunderestimated" President Bush again. He doesn't just want to change the Middle East -- he intends to change the world!

You've had plenty of practice dealing with hostile solons, but permit me to offer some friendly advice based on personal experience sitting at that cloth-covered table:

-- First, recognize that the Senate Libs really do hate your guts. They will tell you off-camera that "there is nothing personal" in what they are saying during the "hearing." Don't believe them.

-- Second, remember, you know a lot more about the important issues than they do. The senators grilling you will be reading questions written for them by staffers who think themselves the smartest people on earth.

-- Third, it's the sex thing, John. If you want to see the Libs on the raised dais squirm, bring up the sexual malfeasance that infects every level of the United Nations.

Tell 'em about the so-called U.N. "peacekeepers" in Congo who rape women and girls as young as seven and the U.N. general who molested his translator -- a young boy. And then ask the potentates of pork why these blue bonnets who leave destitute refugees with a slew of fatherless children and new diseases should be immune to prosecution.

-- Fourth, call 'em as you see 'em, John. The bloated bigwigs attacking you aren't used to plain English. Like the striped-pants-set at the United Nations, the senators who are giving you a hard time are masters at obfuscation -- like calling a tax increase "revenue enhancement."

Tell your inquisitors who bought Bill Clinton's definition of the word is, that when you get to the United Nations, you will call genocide what it is: genocide.

-- Fifth, Kofi's corruption. Lots of the guys who don't want you at the United Nations love to be seen on the cocktail circuit with their pal Kofi Annan. Tell Kofi's cronies that their buddy presided over the "Oil-for-Food" scandal -- where billions of dollars to feed Iraqis were instead spent by Saddam to build palaces, purchase weapons and buy-off foreign leaders to keep the big, bad United States at bay.

-- Sixth, "Eurocrats" in our Senate will want to know your views on giving Germany a permanent seat -- and a "veto" -- on the Security Council. Counter by suggesting that since "Old Europe" is so fond of a single currency and talking about pulling out of NATO to build their own "EU Intervention Force," a better option would be to give the French "seat" on the Security Council to the EU -- and require their ambassador to speak in Flemish.

-- Finally, remember that the guys trying to peel your hide are "tax and spend" experts. Ask 'em how the United Nations' madcap idea of taxing American citizens under its so-called "Millennium Development Goals" will go down with their constituents.

For good measure, tell your well-dressed interrogators that when you get to the United Nations, you will do something about that unnatural shade of blue U.N. troops wear on deployments. It sticks out like a pink feather boa and screams "put crosshairs here."

John, I haven't been this excited about a U.N. ambassador since the heady days of Jeanne Kirkpatrick. Keep your cool in the hearings. Save your best for New York. It should be a fun ride.

Liberals Had Fallen Into My Trap!

Ann Coulter wrote, "Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president."

In today's article from Townhall: Come back, liberals!

Ann Coulter: Now, the entire country is ignoring liberals. I'm the canary in the coal mine. Twenty-six congressmen have signed a letter denouncing me for a column I wrote two weeks ago; for the past two weeks, I've been attacked on MSNBC and CNN, in the Detroit Free-Press and on every known liberal blog and radio show. (I especially want to thank Pacifica Radio in this regard.)

I personally have shouted their complaints from the rooftops. Liberals had fallen into my trap!

But there was no point in responding because no one had heard about the liberal denunciations in the first place. It was like explaining a joke: OK, and then they said, "Call me a cab," and then I said, "You're a cab! Are you following this? ... Sorry, let me start over again."

This is like beating Dennis Kucinich in an untelevised presidential debate. That and $8.50 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbuck's. I'm tired of helping liberals publicize their attacks on me. Liberals are going to have to do better than that if they want a response from me.

It's not just that we're a divided nation, with liberals watching only CNN and conservatives watching only Fox News. I'm pretty sure liberals are aware of me, and I haven't appeared on CNN for months.

It's liberals the country is ignoring. No one knows or cares what they're carrying on about in their media outlets. Liberals can't get arrested. They're even letting Martin Sheen off with a warning now.

I hate to sound selfish at such a great moment for the country, but this is nothing short of calamitous for completely innocent right-wing polemicists. Liberals are too pathetic to write about. I have nothing to do; my life is over. Where have all the flowers gone?

I'm confident they'll stage a comeback someday. In lieu of common sense, liberals have boundless energy. But I'm getting bored waiting. In the interest of good sportsmanship, I have some proposals for liberals.

I think Democrats might want to drop the contract all Democrats apparently have to sign pledging to pretend to believe insane things. Also, if you could just get the base of your party to not participate anymore and maybe be a little less crazy, people might listen to you. Barring that, you're just going to have to scream a little louder.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

We have a very special audience here tonight. The only 400 people in the entire city who actually voted today in the mayor’s race.

Did you even know we had a mayor’s race today? You know our mayor’s race is kinda like the elections in Iraq. It’s a lot of foreign speaking people, in the desert, voting for people they’ve never heard of.

It’s now 11:36 and Martha Stewart, if you’re watching, lights out!

The authorities are insisting that Martha wear an electronic ankle bracelet to track her whereabouts. Why? She’s getting a TV show, she’s on a TV show, she’s on the news 24 hours a day, track her whereabouts? We can’t get rid of her!

(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial the following Michael Jackson jokes were done by Roseanne Barr.) The other day at the Michael Jackson trial they showed a video of Michael Jackson’s house. And both of Michael’s ex-wives showed up because they said that they always wanted to see what the bedroom looked like.

Defense lawyers say they might have Michael testify. They don’t really want him to, but doctors believe it’s the only way they can get his nose to grow back.

You know I kid Michael, but it is really just great to tell jokes about someone who’s had more plastic surgery than me.

(Back to Jay Leno.) Bill Clinton is going back into the hospital to repair some scar tissue from his heart operation. He’s expected to be in the hospital from three to ten days depending on what his nurses look like.

I guess you know Major League Baseball has started their new tougher steroid testing policy. Let me tell you something, it’s pretty strict. Any player whose head can’t fit inside a dome stadium is banned for 10 days.

Here in California, Governor Schwarzenegger has come out in support of a plan to ban junk food in our schools. He wants to ban the vending machines because our kids are too fat. In fact, it’s so bad, our bullies can’t fit the fat nerds in the lockers anymore.

In fact, kids are getting so fat, a lot of teachers won’t even have sex with the kids.

Tomorrow night is Dan Rather’s final night as the CBS anchorman. Seems like just yesterday he was making up his first story, doesn’t it?

It was this week in 1836 that Texas declared its independence from Mexico. Now I understand California is thinking about doing the same thing.

Letterman

Jose Canseco was in New York today to sign autographs of his book. So many people showed up that he had to stop twice to inject juice in himself in the ass.

Do you want the Olympics to be here in New York City in 2012? (Applause) The Olympic Selection Committee is here right now. Things are going well, so far only one committee member is missing.

Michael Jackson has been accused of releasing grand jury testimony in his case. I’d hate to see Michael get into any legal problems.

Conan

The star of the new show "Fat Actress” Kirstie Alley says that any time she strays from her diet she’s going to donate $100 to one of her favorite charities. In a related story three diseases have been completely eradicated.

Old Arab Helen Thomas

Ann Coulter, while arguing that liberal attacks on ex-White House reporter Jeff Gannon, formerly of Talon News, were a response to the "public disgrace and ruin of New York Times editor Howell Raines, CBS anchor Dan Rather and CNN news director Eason Jordan," also took a shot at longtime Washington correspondent Thomas (who, by the way, called Condi Rice a "monster" and a "goddamn liar").

Ann Coulter wrote, "Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president."

The Detroit Free Press reports that in a letter to Universal Press, which syndicates Coulter’s column, the lawmakers criticize Universal's response to the potential controversy as inadequate.

Ann Coulter called liberal columnist Helen Thomas an "old Arab" and suggested she may be a security threat to President Bush in a recent column, and 26 members of the U.S. Congress are steamin' mad.

Exactly what did, and didn't, happen?

Although Universal removed the "Arab" reference before sending the column to Coulter's 110 newspaper clients, the politicians are upset because Coulter kept "Arab" in the version of the column that appeared on her Web site, AnnCoulter.com.

The politicos point out that she also kept the Universal copyright under the column and didn't include a disclaimer explaining that the column was worded differently from the one syndicated by Universal.

They wrote: "Just as we would expect that similar slights against African-Americans, Jews, or Hispanics would not be tolerated, equal disapproval should be shown toward these repeated slanders directed at Arab-Americans," adding, "Loyal Arab-Americans have made heroic contributions to our military, intelligence, and Homeland Security efforts."

Using a Coulter copyright "corrects a longstanding error," said Kathie Kerr, director of communications for Universal. "Universal does not hold the copyright on Ann's columns."

However, as this story was being posted, Coulter had yet to drop the Universal copyright from the Feb. 23 column on her site. "We fully expect it will be removed," Kerr told Editor and Publisher.

Kerr added that she knew of no newspapers canceling Coulter’s popular column because of her "old Arab" remark.

Nor should they. It is an "opinion" column, after all, is it not? And this is still America, is it not?

Teresa Heinz: Bush Win Suspicious

Embittered first-lady wannabe Teresa Heinz is questioning whether President Bush's re-election victory last November was legitimate, saying that many of the country's voting machines could have been "hacked."

"Two brothers own 80 percent of the machines used in the United States," Heinz told a lunch for Seattle Rep. Adam Smith on Saturday, referring to the brothers as "hard right" Republicans.

She argued that it is "very easy to hack into the mother machines," in quotes picked up by the Seattle Post Intelligencer.

"We in the United States are not a banana republic," added the Mozambican-born billionairess.

Heinz urged Democrats to insist on "accountability and transparency" in how votes are counted, and said the integrity of future elections hangs in the balance.

"I think we should focus on '06: If '06 doesn't work out, '08 will be impossible," she told the Democratic group, adding: "I fear for '06. I don't trust it the way it is right now."

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

What a crowd! You sound more excited than Heidi Fleiss when she found out Charlie Sheen was single again.

The L.A. Marathon was yesterday. I wanted to run this year, then I remembered – oh, yeah, I’m too fat. Eighty-eight percent body fat not good.

I guess the winner of the marathon got a new Honda Accord and $25,000 in cash. Do you know what the 25 grand is for? Gas money!

Two-eighty a gallon today when I filled up. To give you an idea how expensive it is. Today on Hollywood Boulevard I saw a pimp in an electric car!

They say gas is now 53 dollars and 5 cents a barrel. But the good news; you get the 5 cent deposit back when you bring back the empty barrel.

Martha Stewart went back to work today. I guess you heard the bad news, on her way in this morning she knocked off a liquor store. You can’t go back.

As you know, Martha Stewart is under house arrest at her estate for the next five months. But did you know this? A 24 hour suicide watch has also been set up. Not for Martha. For her house staff. They’re stuck for five months in the house with Martha.

You know what’s amazing - in the five months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company’s stock priced has tripled. Not only that, Martha Stewart herself is now worth more than 600 million cigarettes.

Martha also said that prison was the toughest, most humbling place she’s ever been in. Ya know, outside of a K-Mart.

You know what’s fascinating – you know the first person to call Martha when she was released from jail? Michael Jackson. He said he wanted to know what it’s like for a white woman in prison.

As you know, I have to stop right there. As you know, I have been subpoenaed I am under a gag order. I cannot do any Michael Jackson jokes, but because of the gag order, we’re bringing in a guest comedian tDenise Miller Michael Jackson jokes:o tell some Michael Jackson jokes. He’s the star of his own show on CNBC, five time Emmy award winner, good friend, one of the funniest comedians around, Mr. Dennis Miller ladies and gentlemen!

(Dennis Miller's Michael Jackson jokes) Big day in the trial today folks. I see where Michael Jackson and George Hamilton have officially crossed lines on the pigmentation flow chart.

Some interesting facts coming out about Neverland. It seems Michael Jackson has the only playroom in the western world with a wine steward.

What do you serve with Macaulay Culkin? Red? White?

So let me get this straight – Jackson gets the kids over the Neverland Ranch. And by the way, if you like the Neverland Ranch, try the vinaigrette. But anyway….

He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guy’s the really cool uncle I always wanted.

(Back to Jay Leno) Friday in his closing argument, Robert Blake’s lawyer said it’s ridiculous to think that Blake would kill his wife in his own neighborhood. And today O.J. Said, "Yeah, that’s crazy. You’d have to be nuts to do that.”

Did you hear about this? I thought this was really nice. While Bill Clinton and the former President Bush, were flying around the around the world the tsunami damaged areas, Clinton let Bush sleep on the plane’s only bed while Clinton himself slept on the floor. No big deal for Clinton – for him it was just like being back in the white house with Hillary.

And he was cushioned by the flight attendant. Made it a little better.

I understand there is now a new virginity movement in high schools around the country where kids are now saving themselves for the right teacher.

Folks it’s happened again. This time in West Virginia, a 6th grade teacher was arrested for having sex with students. Did you see teacher’s picture? Not the most attractive. I think sex was punishment for kids who didn’t do their homework.

Student-teacher sex? It looked more like student-cafeteria lady sex to me.

Internet News Grows, Papers Spiral Down

Reliance on the Internet for political news during last year’s presidential campaign grew sixfold from 1996, while the influence of newspapers dropped sharply, according to a study issued Sunday.

Eighteen percent of American adults cited the Internet as one of their two main sources of news about the presidential races, compared with 3 percent in 1996. The reliance on television grew slightly to 78 percent, up from 72 percent.

Meanwhile, the influence of newspapers dropped to 39 percent last year, from 60 percent in 1996, according to the joint telephone-based survey from the Pew Research Center for The People and the Press and the Pew Internet and American Life Project.

But one-third of political news consumers cited a belief that they did not get all the news and information they wanted from papers and television, and another 11 percent said the Web had information not available elsewhere. These individuals were more likely to visit blogs or campaign sites for information.

And blogs, Rainie said, likely had an indirect influence on what campaigns talked about and what news organizations covered.

Blogs, for instance, have been credited with forcing an apology from CBS News anchor Dan Rather for last fall’s "60 Minutes" report on President Bush’s National Guard service.

Blogs "are having a modest level of impact on the voter side and probably a more dramatic impact on the institutional side," Rainie said. "Blogs are still a realm where very, very active and pretty elite, both technologically oriented people and politically oriented people go."

Fifty-eight percent of political news users cited convenience as their main reason for using the Internet. This group was more likely to use the Internet sites of traditional news organizations or online services.

Forty percent of Internet users found the Internet important in helping them decide for whom to vote, while 20 percent said the online information made a difference.

The random survey of 2,200 adults, including 1,324 Internet users, was conducted Nov. 4-22 and has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 2 percentage points.

Dean Should Resign

The brother of civil rights icon Medgar Evers is calling on Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean to resign for suggesting that minorities generally work in professions like maids and bellboys.

Speaking at Mississippi's Jackson State University College last week, Charles Evers said: "The Democratic Party [should] do the same thing to Dean that Republicans and other Democrats did to Senator Lott. Ask him to step down, because he's the wrong man for the position."

Evers was reacting to Dean's comments last month to the Congressional Black Caucus, where he joked: "You think the Republican National Committee could get this many people of color in a single room? Only if they had hotel staff in here."

Evers, a member of the Mississippi Republican Executive Committee, elaborated on his call for Dean's resignation on Thursday.

"As a black man, I resent anyone who says anything about us as a race," he told Fox News Channel's "Hannity & Colmes." "When are we going to learn to become Americans? When are we going to learn to respect Republicans and Democrats as human beings and not as black or white?"

Evers' brother Medgar became the civil rights movement's first martyr after he was assassinated in 1963 while working as the NAACP's first field coordinator in Mississippi.

Two-month-old baby speaks

Ananova: A two-month-old baby in China can call his mother for feeding, instead of crying for attention.

When the baby wants feeding he calls "Mama, Mama".

Mrs Wang at Beijing city says she discovered her baby could speak when the baby was only 2 months old, reports Beijing Times.

Mrs Wang says the baby can also say the word Nai, the Chinese word for milk.

Doctors at Beijing Children's Hospital say it's really rare for a baby speak at two months old.

The Iraq Effect? Bush Was Right

WASHINGTON – Something remarkable is happening in the Middle East - a grass-roots movement against autocracy without any significant "Great Satan" anti-American component.

In Beirut, the crowds that massed in the streets and forced the resignation of the Syrian-controlled government were demonstrating for kifaya (change) and freedom from the Syrian military that has occupied their country for more than a quarter of a century.

Daniel Schorr: The passionate protest had apparently been triggered by the assassination of the popular former prime minister, Rafik Hariri - an assassination that the Lebanese assume was engineered by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

In Egypt, too, the streets have been alive with the sound of kifaya. Apparently seeking to divert the movement for change, President Hosni Mubarak announced last weekend a change in the election law to permit competitive elections. But his likeliest challenger, Ayman Nour, is in jail for allegedly forging election documents. And this week there were demonstrations in the streets of Cairo in his support.

In the past the United States would have avoided criticizing Mr. Mubarak, a key figure in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. But now Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has openly rebuked Mubarak and canceled a scheduled visit to Cairo.

In London this week, Secretary Rice said, "Events in Lebanon are moving in a very important direction."

The movements for democratic change in Egypt and Lebanon have happened since the successful Iraqi election on Jan. 30. And one can speculate on whether Iraq has served as a beacon for democratic change in the Middle East.

During the run-up to the invasion of Iraq, President Bush said that "a liberated Iraq can show the power of freedom to transform that vital region."

He may have had it right.

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

87-year-old West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd is in trouble after he compared Senate Republicans to the Nazis. He would have compared them to the Ku Klux Klan but he used to be a member.

Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news… that I’m allowed to talk about.

Do you know about this gag order? I’m a potential witness in the Michael Jackson trial. As you know, there’s a gag order for everyone involved in the Michael Jackson trial. In fact, I believe I’m the first person over the age of two that has been gagged by Michael Jackson.

So tonight folks it will be all Tito Jackson jokes.

As you know - the Michael Jackson trial is going on up there and yesterday and one of the witnesses was a public relations specialist who was hired by Michael Jackson to counter all the negative publicity. Well that worked out well, huh? That’s a job well done.

Martha Stewart is going to be released from prison tomorrow. She was supposed to be released Sunday, but they’re letting her out tomorrow. She will immediately go to house arrest in her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she goes from the big house to the even bigger house.

In an interview on Japanese television President Clinton said that Hillary Clinton would make a great president. Lousy intern, but a great president.

The big royal wedding is a little over a month away. This is going to be a difficult adjustment for Prince Charles’ fiancée Camilla. You know, Buckingham Palace is a big change from her old job ringing the bell at Notre Dame.

Sylvester Stallone is on the show tonight. He’s promoting his new boxing reality show "The Contender”. It’s getting great reviews. Contestants on reality shows getting punched in the face. Where was this idea when Omarosa was on?

CNN, God bless them, has become the first national cable television news network to air commercials for hard liquor. Did you see their new slogan? Show the new CNN slogan. (Drop-in video screen: CNN graphic and CNN music with an announcer who sounds like James Earl Jones says "CNN – news with booze”)

Here’s a very odd story – a 63 year old man in Wisconsin has been arrested for having sexual relations with a cow. The guy was having sex with a cow. Here’s the sick part – during sex, he wanted the cow to bark like a dog.

Hey Kev, you know what this guy called this cow? His utter woman.

Do you know what the penalty for having sex with a cow? Impeachment.

Letterman

Martha if you’re watching – I waited for you.

It’s windy outside. It’s really crazy, it’s windy here in New York City. Usually it doesn’t get like this. Like today over at Flash Dancers a striper had to leash herself to a pole.

It was so windy at the Hello Deli, Rupert G was flying a kite made out of health code violations.

Here’s how time flies by. Five or six years ago Martha Stewart went to jail. Martha Stewart has been in the can, the grey bar hotel, the slammer, now she gets out on Friday. She’s busy worrying about last minute details like how much to tip the warden. But once she’s out she’s under house arrest. She’ll return to her $40 million mansion and be under house arrest. Boy that will teach her.

She can only leave the house for medical reasons, groceries or to dump more stock.