Thursday, March 31, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
Now Martha Stewart's out of prison, she's under house arrest. You know how the rules of house arrest work? It's interesting – Martha's allowed to leave her house for up to 48 hours per week, she can go to work, she can run errands, she can attend religious services, then she has to go back home at night – or, as everyone else calls it, living.
The Michael Jackson trial started 45 minutes late again yesterday after Michael showed up and started crying ... Yeah, he's crying because he doesn't have the Robert Blake jury.
This has been a very stressful week for Michael Jackson. You know how [he] deals with stress? You what he likes to do when he's in court? He likes to picture his accuser in his underwear.
Michael says he prays every day over the phone with the Reverend Jesse Jackson. And today Jesse said: "That was Michael? I thought I was hitting on Janet."
Letterman
Martha Stewart is going to court to try and get them to take off her electronic ankle bracelet. She said it just interferes with her spring planting (laughs). Oh yeah – how many times has the judge heard that story?
Big news from the world of motion pictures. They're now casting "Wonder Woman" – there's going to be a new version of "Wonder Woman." Yeah. And I just want to say one thing to you Hollywood big shots – listen to this – pick me, alright? (laughs) Because I'll tell you why: I already have the costume.
Here's a great story – a woman goes into Wendy's to have the chili. How many of you have had the chili at Wendy's? (applause) And she discovers an actual human finger in the chili. But she's not upset – she went back there for lunch today. She's trying to collect all five fingers.
Conan
It was reported today that Star Jones' husband, Al Reynolds, recently quit his job. When asked why, Reynolds said, "Because when I bring home the bacon, I don't get to have any."
According to the New York Post, the manager of the Village People is trying to re-create the band's image so they appear less gay. (laughs) Apparently he's going to do this by changing their name to "Not the Village People."
Miller
In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested ... Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali ... Except, of course, for the black part.
To mark Good Friday last week, several Catholic devotees in the Philippines allowed themselves to be crucified. By the way, if you take Friday off from work to be crucified, do you count it as a sick day or a vacation day?
This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a "Fear Factor" episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching "Extreme Makeover" that I realized I looked stupid with bangs.
Ferguson
The judge in the Michael Jackson trial ruled to allow testimony from past accusers. So you thought the lines were long at Disneyland ... now you're gonna see something.
Michael Jackson claims he's the victim of a conspiracy by a group that's trying to make him out to be a weirdo. (laughs) I believe that group is called "the public."
A woman ran her SUV off a bridge and fell 60 feet into a river, and lived! That's fantastic! But tragically, the police weren't able to save the gasoline.
The Village People have announced they don't want to come off as gay (laughs). The Village People are gay? Who knew?!
Kimmel
It's been pouring non-stop for three or four days now. It's been going on and on, and they say it's going to be the wettest year in L.A. since they started measuring in the 1800s. Everything is flooded. There was a shark attack on the 405 freeway today. (laughs) A great white ate a Mini Cooper.
We don't handle the rain very well here ... we see a cloud, immediately we're on storm watch. (laughs) But this one is serious. We got mudslides, we got sinkholes ... People were forced to take shelter under Governor Schwarzenegger's pecs today.
It's President's Day. I hope you had the day off today. Today is the day we honor our presidents with 50-percent-off mattress sales.
Somebody hacked into Paris Hilton's portable phone, and their computer got herpes.
Leno
Now Martha Stewart's out of prison, she's under house arrest. You know how the rules of house arrest work? It's interesting – Martha's allowed to leave her house for up to 48 hours per week, she can go to work, she can run errands, she can attend religious services, then she has to go back home at night – or, as everyone else calls it, living.
The Michael Jackson trial started 45 minutes late again yesterday after Michael showed up and started crying ... Yeah, he's crying because he doesn't have the Robert Blake jury.
This has been a very stressful week for Michael Jackson. You know how [he] deals with stress? You what he likes to do when he's in court? He likes to picture his accuser in his underwear.
Michael says he prays every day over the phone with the Reverend Jesse Jackson. And today Jesse said: "That was Michael? I thought I was hitting on Janet."
Letterman
Martha Stewart is going to court to try and get them to take off her electronic ankle bracelet. She said it just interferes with her spring planting (laughs). Oh yeah – how many times has the judge heard that story?
Big news from the world of motion pictures. They're now casting "Wonder Woman" – there's going to be a new version of "Wonder Woman." Yeah. And I just want to say one thing to you Hollywood big shots – listen to this – pick me, alright? (laughs) Because I'll tell you why: I already have the costume.
Here's a great story – a woman goes into Wendy's to have the chili. How many of you have had the chili at Wendy's? (applause) And she discovers an actual human finger in the chili. But she's not upset – she went back there for lunch today. She's trying to collect all five fingers.
Conan
It was reported today that Star Jones' husband, Al Reynolds, recently quit his job. When asked why, Reynolds said, "Because when I bring home the bacon, I don't get to have any."
According to the New York Post, the manager of the Village People is trying to re-create the band's image so they appear less gay. (laughs) Apparently he's going to do this by changing their name to "Not the Village People."
Miller
In an interview on Sunday, Michael Jackson declared he is the victim of a conspiracy and asked fans around the world to pray for him. Jackson would not go into detail about what exactly the conspiracy is, but did hint it was being perpetrated by people who do not like their kids being molested ... Jackson went on to say his persecution was identical to that of black luminaries such as Nelson Mandela and Muhammad Ali ... Except, of course, for the black part.
To mark Good Friday last week, several Catholic devotees in the Philippines allowed themselves to be crucified. By the way, if you take Friday off from work to be crucified, do you count it as a sick day or a vacation day?
This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood said she survived because of something she saw on a "Fear Factor" episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by watching "Extreme Makeover" that I realized I looked stupid with bangs.
Ferguson
The judge in the Michael Jackson trial ruled to allow testimony from past accusers. So you thought the lines were long at Disneyland ... now you're gonna see something.
Michael Jackson claims he's the victim of a conspiracy by a group that's trying to make him out to be a weirdo. (laughs) I believe that group is called "the public."
A woman ran her SUV off a bridge and fell 60 feet into a river, and lived! That's fantastic! But tragically, the police weren't able to save the gasoline.
The Village People have announced they don't want to come off as gay (laughs). The Village People are gay? Who knew?!
Kimmel
It's been pouring non-stop for three or four days now. It's been going on and on, and they say it's going to be the wettest year in L.A. since they started measuring in the 1800s. Everything is flooded. There was a shark attack on the 405 freeway today. (laughs) A great white ate a Mini Cooper.
We don't handle the rain very well here ... we see a cloud, immediately we're on storm watch. (laughs) But this one is serious. We got mudslides, we got sinkholes ... People were forced to take shelter under Governor Schwarzenegger's pecs today.
It's President's Day. I hope you had the day off today. Today is the day we honor our presidents with 50-percent-off mattress sales.
Somebody hacked into Paris Hilton's portable phone, and their computer got herpes.
