Saturday, March 12, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like President Bush when he heard this is Dan Rather's last broadcast.
As you know, Dan Rather has officially stepped down tonight. I don’t know what he’s going to do now, but I think we can rule out joining the Texas Air National Guard.
For all his years at CBS, the network gave Dan Rather a gold watch. Well, they told him it was gold ... you know, he’ll believe anything.
Here’s my question: Who quits on a Wednesday? Who makes their last day a Wednesday? What 24 years, he can’t put in two more half-hours?
Our prayers go out to President Clinton. He’s going into the hospital for surgery, not too serious, to remove scar tissue from his heart. Doctors say it’s a low-risk, somewhat routine operation. In fact, each year they do thousands of these, and that’s just on Dick Cheney.
As you know, Martha Stewart is under house arrest for the next five months. During this time her activities will be limited to only doing things that will make her even richer.
Well, there are reports that Michael Jackson may be trying to sell the Neverland Ranch. He’s having financial problems. That’s what they said in the paper today. He might be putting it on the market, and Michael’s neighbors are up in arms. They’re afraid some weirdo might move in.
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial, the following Michael Jackson jokes were read by Carrot Top.)
You know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house? When the big hand is on the little hand.
Today Michael Jackson told the jury that he actually likes 38-year-olds. What he meant was 30 8-year-olds ...
(Back to Jay Leno) A new survey says that 50 percent of people are unhappy with their job. You know why? Because their job is now in India.
Here’s another reason to be happy to live in America. A new study says that it is extremely expensive to own a dog in England. They say that over the dog’s lifetime, it could cost the owner as much as $38,000. But Prince Charles says hey, he’s going ahead with the wedding anyway.
Good news - the makers of Wrigley Doublemint gum announced today they’re bringing back the Doublemint twins. You remember the Doublemint twins? They were the Coors Lite twins before the breast implants.
Mel Gibson is on the show tonight. As you know, they are re-releasing the film "Passion of The Christ" ... or, as it’s known in Hollywood, "800 Million Dollar Baby."
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like President Bush when he heard this is Dan Rather's last broadcast.
As you know, Dan Rather has officially stepped down tonight. I don’t know what he’s going to do now, but I think we can rule out joining the Texas Air National Guard.
For all his years at CBS, the network gave Dan Rather a gold watch. Well, they told him it was gold ... you know, he’ll believe anything.
Here’s my question: Who quits on a Wednesday? Who makes their last day a Wednesday? What 24 years, he can’t put in two more half-hours?
Our prayers go out to President Clinton. He’s going into the hospital for surgery, not too serious, to remove scar tissue from his heart. Doctors say it’s a low-risk, somewhat routine operation. In fact, each year they do thousands of these, and that’s just on Dick Cheney.
As you know, Martha Stewart is under house arrest for the next five months. During this time her activities will be limited to only doing things that will make her even richer.
Well, there are reports that Michael Jackson may be trying to sell the Neverland Ranch. He’s having financial problems. That’s what they said in the paper today. He might be putting it on the market, and Michael’s neighbors are up in arms. They’re afraid some weirdo might move in.
(Due to the gag order on Jay Leno in the Michael Jackson trial, the following Michael Jackson jokes were read by Carrot Top.)
You know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house? When the big hand is on the little hand.
Today Michael Jackson told the jury that he actually likes 38-year-olds. What he meant was 30 8-year-olds ...
(Back to Jay Leno) A new survey says that 50 percent of people are unhappy with their job. You know why? Because their job is now in India.
Here’s another reason to be happy to live in America. A new study says that it is extremely expensive to own a dog in England. They say that over the dog’s lifetime, it could cost the owner as much as $38,000. But Prince Charles says hey, he’s going ahead with the wedding anyway.
Good news - the makers of Wrigley Doublemint gum announced today they’re bringing back the Doublemint twins. You remember the Doublemint twins? They were the Coors Lite twins before the breast implants.
Mel Gibson is on the show tonight. As you know, they are re-releasing the film "Passion of The Christ" ... or, as it’s known in Hollywood, "800 Million Dollar Baby."
