Friday, March 25, 2005
Late-Night Jokes
Leno
As you know, millions of Americans are on spring break right now ... how many here are on spring break? (applause) Now, be honest – did you plan on staying this long, or you just can't afford gas to go back home?
Robert Blake is still out there looking for acting jobs. Did you hear the news today? He could be the new host of "Elim-a-date."
As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause.
Yesterday, Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. (laughter) I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boys' pants disappear.
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.
Letterman
You know what's exciting, ladies and gentlemen, the circus is in New York City. (applause) You know what they do, they parade the big circus elephants right through Manhattan. I gotta tell you, New Yorkers just aren't impressed by that. Hell, we've got rats that big.
Here's an interesting fact ... elephants cannot breathe through their trunks. And neither can mob informants on their way to New Jersey.
Sunday night, CBS had a TV movie called "Spring Break: Shark Attack." Here's what happens: A bunch of bikini-clad co-eds are attacked by sharks. The movie was such a hit that CBS is now planning a new TV movie in which a hurricane hits "Hooters."
This just in – Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Los Angeles.
Kimmel
Today was a very good day for Michael Jackson ... well, I guess as good as it can get when you're on trial for child molestation. (laughter) For the second straight day, Michael was 20 minutes early to court. What he's done – and this is very clever – he's started TiVo'ing "Teletubbies."
There's a story going around that when Michael gets off scot-free, which will happen, he's going to sign a deal to be the house performer at the new Trump casino that they're building in Las Vegas. I guess things went well with Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace, and they figured why not sign up another superstar white woman to perform.
Leno
As you know, millions of Americans are on spring break right now ... how many here are on spring break? (applause) Now, be honest – did you plan on staying this long, or you just can't afford gas to go back home?
Robert Blake is still out there looking for acting jobs. Did you hear the news today? He could be the new host of "Elim-a-date."
As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause.
Yesterday, Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. (laughter) I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boys' pants disappear.
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.
Letterman
You know what's exciting, ladies and gentlemen, the circus is in New York City. (applause) You know what they do, they parade the big circus elephants right through Manhattan. I gotta tell you, New Yorkers just aren't impressed by that. Hell, we've got rats that big.
Here's an interesting fact ... elephants cannot breathe through their trunks. And neither can mob informants on their way to New Jersey.
Sunday night, CBS had a TV movie called "Spring Break: Shark Attack." Here's what happens: A bunch of bikini-clad co-eds are attacked by sharks. The movie was such a hit that CBS is now planning a new TV movie in which a hurricane hits "Hooters."
This just in – Saddam Hussein wants his trial moved to Los Angeles.
Kimmel
Today was a very good day for Michael Jackson ... well, I guess as good as it can get when you're on trial for child molestation. (laughter) For the second straight day, Michael was 20 minutes early to court. What he's done – and this is very clever – he's started TiVo'ing "Teletubbies."
There's a story going around that when Michael gets off scot-free, which will happen, he's going to sign a deal to be the house performer at the new Trump casino that they're building in Las Vegas. I guess things went well with Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace, and they figured why not sign up another superstar white woman to perform.
